Man Up | Ep. 22 • October 18, 2015
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or over a decade, David Tian, Ph.D., has coached tens of thousands of people from over 87 countries to achieve happiness and success in their dating and love lives.
Once a nerdy, skinny professor of Asian philosophy who couldn’t hold a conversation to save his life, David is now director of Aura Transformation Corp., and a world renowned dating and life coach. Dr. Tian has been featured in international media, including AXN, Cosmopolitan, Psychology Today, as well as co-hosting a radio show on national radio and a weekly dating advice column in a national newspaper in Singapore. Formerly a professor at the National University of Singapore, Dr. Tian is actively researching, speaking, and publishing in the areas of philosophy and psychology.
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In episode 22, I cover how to go out to the bar or club by yourself.
Masculinity for the Intelligent Man. I am David Tian, Ph.D., and this is: Man Up.
Hey, Man. I’m David Tian and welcome to Man Up, episode 22. I’m answering a question again from David in the private Facebook group. It’s a very good question and it’s simply: Do you have any tips on going out to night clubs or bars by yourself? A little background from him: I tried this a few times several years ago if I was in the mood for going out and other people weren’t.
A few of these nights were great but most weren’t good experiences. At the time, it felt weird to be out by myself. It also seemed to put a lot more pressure on me to constantly be in conversation with a group of people. Is it just a matter of practice and confidence? Is it something that you would or wouldn’t recommend doing? Okay, cool. There are a lot of sub-questions. Let’s do that, let’s answer the sub-questions first. I noticed, too, that given these questions and this background, David is not coming from a PUA background which is great. I like the blank slate a little bit; it’s easier to work with. There’s less unlearning that has to occur.
So: A few of these nights were great but most weren’t. At the time, it felt weird to be out by myself because – I’m assuming because it seemed to put a lot of pressure on me to constantly be in conversation with a group of people. Notice this, it feels weird to be out by yourself because you feel like you need to be talking to people when you’re in a bar or club, that’s all in your head. It feels weird to you.
Confidence with Women
Imagine a really cool guy was standing at the bar, enjoying his drink and smiling and just really comfortable. Would you go like, “That guy’s so weird.” No, you wouldn’t. You’d be like, “Hey, that’s a cool guy. I bet he’s waiting for somebody.” Or “He looks really comfortable in his element.” It’s only weird if you think it’s weird and in fact, once you think it’s weird, it becomes weird for everyone else.
You’re putting the pressure, as he says, on yourself. It also seemed to put a lot more pressure on me to – who’s putting this pressure on you? You, you’re the one who’s fucking yourself up in your own head. It’s all you – you’re fucking yourself up. So stop messing yourself up in your head. Get comfortable. I mean, you just give yourself permission to be comfortable doing that. Imagine you’re James Bond. You’re James freaking Bond and James Bond doesn’t have a lot of friends. He doesn’t have a lot of guy friends so when he goes to the bar, he’s posting up, having a good time, enjoying his Martini, standing at the bar, deciding who to kill. He’s standing at the bar enjoying himself.
Can James Bond look really cool standing at the bar by himself? Yes. Can you imagine him doing that? I hope so. If you’ve seen the movies it’s pretty natural for him to do that. That’s you, be James Bond. Channel your James Bond, be comfortable. This is what cool, confident people do especially if you’re cool and confident and you’re travelling. If you’re travelling, you’re not expected to know people. But what, you’re just supposed to stay up in your room the whole time at night? You can come down. You can be like Lost in Translation Bill Murray, hanging out at the bar, having a drink by yourself, really cool. Just chilling out, having a good time. You can chill out and have a good time at the bar.
How to Start Conversations
Here’s another tip, talk to the bar staff. They’re there to make you happy. Talk to them. Hopefully it’s not slammed at the bar so when the bartender has a spare minute, chat him up. Ask him who the best tippers are, get some local knowledge of the city. Just chat. Ask him how his day is, anything, right? Share about yourself. Bartenders are there to be social as well so that’s their job. You can talk to the waitresses as well, whatever, right? Talk to the hired staff. But here’s the thing, because he moves into: Is it just a matter of practice and confidence? Well, of course it’s a matter of confidence. Is it a matter of practice? Of course. Can you practice being social? Yes.
How Do I Make Friends
Can you practice speaking with strangers? Yes. Can you practice becoming more attractive to strangers? Yes. Can you practice starting conversations with strangers? Of course. Is this something that we do in Aura Transformation Corp? Of course, that’s our mission statement. That’s exactly what we do. So if you need any help doing that, I’ve got a special course for you. It’s a free, three-video course that I created and you can access it from pretty much any of our homepages but you can go to auratransformation.org and you’ll just scroll down and you’ll see, if you want to learn how to talk to anyone, click that link and just enter your email and you’ll get the three-video course on how to talk to anyone.
There’s also another video course right next to it on how to make people like you, how to make friends, basically. Click on that and you’ll get the course on how to make friends from scratch.
Ways to Make Friends
These are skills; they are actually skills that you can practice. You know what this is like, if you were sitting at home – let’s say you sit in the office for 30 days and you don’t talk to a single soul. How good or how fluent will you be when you go and speak with somebody for the first time after not talking to anyone for 30 days? You’re going to be stumbling over your words and blah, blah, blah, right? Of course, the more you practice the better you get at it.
Is it something that you would or wouldn’t recommend doing? It’s all up to you. It depends on your goals and what your life situation’s like. If, in fact, none of your friends want to go out but you want to go out then I recommend that you go out. Now, after a week or two of going out on your own and you’re still going out on your own, yes, that’s weird because you should be making friends at the bar when you go on your own.
You should get to know the people there and you should be inviting them and they should be inviting you to join them and go out and enjoy some drinks. That’s weird if you’re doing this too long. But if it’s like your first night out after a hiatus or if you’re travelling, it’s perfectly normal and natural to go to the bar on your own or to go to the club on your own.
Meeting New Friends
But when you’re there, aim to make friends first, make connections. Like your other questions as well, David, about building a social circle. Do that by making friends and then meet their friends and so on. Give value to people. If you want to learn how to make friends from scratch, go to auratransformation.org and type your email in to get the free video course. So until next time – make sure you join the secret Facebook group for Man Up. You can ask your questions directly to me and get your answers personally from me, until next time – man up.