Man Up | Ep. 98 • April 13, 2016
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or over a decade, David Tian, Ph.D., has coached tens of thousands of people from over 87 countries to achieve happiness and success in their dating and love lives.
Once a nerdy, skinny professor of philosophical psychology who couldn’t hold a conversation to save his life, David is now director of Aura Transformation Corp., and a world renowned dating and life coach using therapeutic methods. Dr. Tian has been featured in international media, including AXN, Cosmopolitan, Psychology Today, as well as co-hosting a radio show on national radio and a weekly dating advice column in a national newspaper in Singapore. Formerly a professor at the National University of Singapore, Dr. Tian is actively researching, speaking, and publishing in the areas of philosophy and psychology.
The show, “Man Up: Masculinity for the Intelligent Man,” is David’s way of helping as many people as possible enjoy empowering and fulfilling lives, while contributing to the global understanding of masculinity in modern times. In the show, he takes your questions posed in The Man Up private Facebook group and answers based on his experience Coaching tens of thousands of students around the world for over a decade.
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Why You’re Jealous Of Your Girlfriend’s Ex
David Tian: Boom! Stop. In episode 98 of Man Up, I answer the question of why you’re jealous of your ex’s boyfriend.
Masculinity for the intelligent man. I’m David Tian, Ph.D. and this is Man Up!
Hi, I’m David Tian, Ph.D. and for over the past 10 years l’ve been helping tens of thousands of people around the world in over 87 countries enjoy success and dating and relationships and welcome to Man Up Episode 98.
I like that intro. I realized a lot of people who are watching these videos who don’t know anything about me and instead of just diving right in, a little background. So, I’m just going to try doing that before the video. Let’s see how it goes if I remember to do it.
Episode 98 and here we are in Singapore. You can it’s actually quite cloudy and there’s a nice pool area. It’s very green here. I like this view in the screen, the contrast from the skyscrapers view. It is hazy from Indonesia, the burning stuff again. It’s going to rain soon so at least that will calm down some of that pollution. A few years ago, the haze only lasted like a month or two but now it’s like half the year. It’s kind of frustrating because Singapore doesn’t do anything, I mean it’s not Singapore’s fault. Okay, so question, enough about pollution.
The question coming from the Man Up Facebook group from Cliff, how do you prevent jealousy of your girlfriend’s ex boyfriend and I’ll just read it because it’s a short one. “Even though we are together for a few months recently she says she misses her ex after she got angry at me for not taking her bag when I’m occupied with a call.” I don’t know why she got angry at you? You’re on a call, maybe you miswrote that.
“Other than that everything seems good, just that once when she is angry. I understand that self-confidence plays a big part in getting jealous of her ex-boyfriend but then again, I know she loves me. She assured me that she loves me but what is the missing ex part for?”
Okay, great. I don’t want to get too caught up in the specifics of this, the way he’s expressing himself makes me worry. There are sort of things he’s mentioning here makes me worry about his emotional maturity.
The question about preventing jealousy of your girlfriend’s ex is quite common and I’ll answer that part. So first of all, you have to decide whether the ex girlfriend is worth being in a relationship with and whether the feelings are well-founded.
So two steps, first you got to figure out whether your perception of the events or acts or the facts are objective and accurate and the other thing is to understand if you want to stay in that relationship why you feel jealous and how you can get over that. So let’s look at it a different way, the jealousy is a sign of something that’s wrong.
The jealousy you feel is a sign that something is wrong and the only question then is whether it’s something wrong with her or whether something wrong with you and it could be something wrong with both of you., so that’s option three. So let’s look at option one first then option two and then option three.
Option one – Something wrong with her. In other words, does she flirt around a lot? Is she still in contact with her ex? Her saying she misses her ex and her not realizing that that would hurt you in some way, I mean, even if you a very secure person it just raises a lot of red flags why someone would bother saying that to you? What is she trying to accomplish there? Is she just venting? Is she just expressing frustration at you?
Whatever it is just the fact that she says that, she says that she misses her ex to you is very immature, is immature at best and at worst is malicious, is mean-spirited, mean-spirited, or mean. You who are watching this video have as much info as I do on the situation so I can’t go any further. We can’t go any further in judging this girl than that but the fact that she would say that to her boyfriend, to you Cliff is not good at all.
Now, let’s give her the benefit of the doubt that she’s immature but just before we go there; so girls in dating relationships in 2016 and going forward have a lot more power and freedom in those relationships than the boys do.
So a 23-year-old girl or 21-year-old girl or an 18-year-old girl has a lot more options when it comes to dating than a 23-year-old boy or a 21-year-old boy or an 18-year-old boy than a boy counterpart of her age and in terms of mating value because technology has not made it easy for women to have babies after 35 unlike pharmaceuticals for men being able to with all the erectile dysfunction pills available, freely available for men like Hugh Hefner can still get it up apparently in his 70s and 80s but that has not been the case for women.
So the prime mating age for a female in terms of just appealing to a male’s reptilian brain like males like evolutionary like mating mind and his unconscious mating drive, this are unconscious, so you don’t blame men for being horny or being turned on by certain things those are not things that they’re able to consciously control.
I have in mind all of these like older women that are my friends who don’t like the situation and they get bitter about it but there’s no point getting bitter about the facts, you got to adjust and deal with them and the facts are a female’s mating value at this time unless technology improves or medical technology improves is like 20-25 is probably peak and depending on which culture you’re in it could peak around at 25 or maybe at 30 but nothing pass 30 just because of the biological considerations that the unconscious male mind is taking into account.
And because of that, a woman’s freedom, and power in a relationship will also peak at that time. So a woman in terms of her options in finding men to either have sex with or date in relationships is very high, possibly at her peak in her 20s; whereas a man’s might only peak in his mid 30s or 40s and the longer we live or the longer our lifespan go because in the past 50 years only we’ve almost doubled our life expectancy and the longer that goes like the longer the male’s mating, peak mating period can extend.
So he’s going to be at his maturity because a woman is attracted to not just physical fitness but also in physical health but also the mind, most of all in fact. There’s a great book by Geoffrey Miller on this called The Mating Mind. The mind is that thing that they’re looking for when it comes to sexual attractiveness because if you have the mind like Professor X you can control the physical; you can have a whole army at your disposal.
So men have it coming later, so they have it longer but women at that time they have more options. So they do these things. They are sloppy. They are inconsiderate. They’re spoiled kids when it comes to dating. That’s a charitable reading of what they’re doing and then there’s another one which is more of this self-centered, sociopathic and 1% of the population is estimated to be psychopathic so they really don’t give a shit about you.
They just want to recruit power for their own selfish interest and pursuit of their own selfish power. So girls are just the same men. They’re spoiled, power hungry and you can’t blame them, I mean, men turn this way if they’re still single in the 40s, it’s not hard to think about examples of that.
So she could just be fucking around with you like is she keeping a lot of male friends on the side as platonic friends when you know that those guys would love to fuck her and you know those guys would love to get with her and they’re flirting with her actively but she’s just like, “Oh he’s just a friend.” And she’s just keeping them at arm’s length but not really. She’s still keeping them there in the loop. Is she keeping her orbiters?
Now, when you’re first dating a girl and you’re not serious, you’re not exclusive, you’re not committed then you have no right to actually expect her to drop any other opportunities but if you’re committed and exclusive, she shouldn’t be having orbiters. She shouldn’t be having guys who orbit the planet which is her and don’t land.
Like that’s fun as a power trip for her when she’s single but when she’s in a relationship she shouldn’t need that validation and if she does drop her because I know many women, girls, and female friends who love their boyfriend just as I know many boys who love their girlfriends but when they’re out on a girls night out or boys night out and with a little bit of alcohol and they see a hot girl or the girls sees a hot guy, she’s going to still say she loves her boyfriend.
She wants to marry her boyfriend but she’s going to mess around with this guy because she’s still immature, because she can’t handle commitment because she’s not disciplined. It got nothing to do with the strength of her love, it’s the strength of her resolve and her will power and discipline and young people just don’t have it especially in 2016. They got nothing. I looked at these young kids and I would like to compete with them when I was in my 20s because they got nothing.
They’re spoiled, a lot of entitled spoiled kids, spoiled with freedom, spoiled with the freedom to make an internet business without any education, without learning anything like going through the hard work. They learn a very narrow slice of reality maybe it’s internet marketing or like some social media stuff and then they think, “Okay, I don’t need education now. I’m done.” You’re done in terms of your work ethic and in terms of broadening your mind. It’s just fucking lazy.
So maybe she says she loves you but then she wants to hurt you, so her immature self says, she misses her boyfriend because she knows it’s going to hurt. Because people especially girls, women feel, can intuit like at the intuitive level can tell whether you’re insecure through all 100 of subcommunications especially over time.
So she knows, she knows it will hurt you. If it hurt you she knew it would hurt you and so she said it. That’s a charitable reading. The less charitable reading is that she’s just self-centered, sociopath, psychopath. Those are all different things or they’re related but different and getting worse and worse, psychopath.
So check yourself and check her. Does she have a lot of guys hanging around? Is she still flirting with guys? Is she having long conversations with men? Is she having girls nights out more than occasionally? Like occasionally would be it has to be a special reason why she’s doing it like a best friend’s birthday or something she might go to the club and just drink and no boys allowed but there should be no reason for her to have a girls night out with no boys like you’re not allowed to come if she’s in a committed relationship.
There should be no reason for that unless it was a request from one of her friends on a special occasion. Same with the boys’ nights, if you’re not ready for relationships guys, if you still need to have your fucking boys’ nights out and that be more than occasional as well and a lot of guys I think that’s probably new information. I don’t think anyone saying that. I never heard anyone saying that but it’s reciprocal.
So a friend of mine runs a good blog, girlschase.com. He’s got an excellent article on how you can tell whether a girl is going to cheat on you something like that. I have forgotten the exact title but Chase can probably tell me and you probably will find out, SEO – because he does very good organic SEO. Anyway, one of items is she goes on girls nights out. That’s totally right men and clubbing on a regular basis more than occasionally, she’s not serious or ready for that relationship yet.
Now, if she was a wild girl and getting it out of her system because many men like myself had to get it out of their system. There’s a period of transition when you’re getting into realizing, “Oh men, I don’t really want that.” But there are friends that you had at that time still asks you out so you go but there’s a period of transition. So that could be anywhere from a few months to a year or more but to make sure that there’s a transition that’s important.
So you got to be watching that person and it’s even better if you find them after they go through that transition they don’t have to suspect whether they’re mature enough but guys who need to still do the guys nights out, I know so many of them and they all just want to use me as an excuse because I’m a single party guy to come out. They don’t ever think consciously I’m going to cheat on my wife but I’m going to have some fun. I missed flirting with girls and all those, getting drunk, just feeling like the man and all that and I feel for them.
I feel sorry for them because they weren’t ready when they got into that relationship and now, they better fucking make do because it’s their fault on that side. That’s their responsibility to get mature. So I think people should get it through out of their system first. Okay, enough about that.
So in other words, maybe she’s a flirty girl, maybe she’s a slutty girl, may be she’s cheating on you? You don’t fucking know. So their brains we’ve adapted traits like the males should there should be an alarm going off to warn us that she’s a fucking slut and that we just invested 10 years into raising her child not realizing that it wasn’t ours, so that’s a protective mechanism.
You always want to pay attention to when that’s happening; however, having said that because that was not as much for Cliff as for the other men watching this and women. For Cliff, I don’t know much about her so I was just going to stop, it could be she’s just inconsiderate and acting out to hurt you because she feels neglected or for whatever reasons, we don’t know because you didn’t tell us and I bet you don’t know. I don’t think you’re emotionally aware enough and mature enough to be able to read her but a charitable reading would be that she’s just acting out in the moment.
In which case, this is also true so for you I think it’s option three which is, it’s a problem with her and it’s a problem with you. I think you guys are both too immature. So the problem with you is whenever you feel jealous the reason is because you perceive another male as a threat.
So whenever you feel jealous the reason is because you perceive the other male as a threat, as a threat to the stability of the relationship, to your relationship, to your potential offspring whatever your evolutionary mind is working in terms of offspring of passing on genes so you perceive it’s a threat to your investment, in her, in the relationship – it’s a threat to your investment.
Why do you perceive it as a threat? And now you have to look at your insecurities, so there’s that first part if she brought it up that’s a problem in her. If her ex-boyfriend was like…think of a non-threatening person like a homeless 80-year-old man. That’s kind of disgusting right? I’m assuming you’re like in your 20s right? And she’s like, “Oh I miss my ex.” You’re going to be like, “Wow, wait a second. You have awful taste. Let’s get the hell out of here.” Think of this person that you wouldn’t be threatened by her bringing him up or even just finding out that she dated that guy that would raise alarms.
Just like for the girls watching be like a guy who has low standards when it comes to women that’s a turn off. Like you’re thinking maybe he just have really bad taste and “what the fuck am I doing with a guy who has bad taste?” So for a lot of guys who were just desperate and needy they don’t think of that, so I’m showing it from the other perspective and a lot of guys are desperate and needy.
So if you’re desperate you probably hadn’t thought of that but why are you threatened by that other guy and fix that in yourself. So maybe you’re insecure because he’s more fit than you if you’re fat or skinny. Then go to the fucking gym, get that handled.
Maybe he makes a lot more money than you and that’s important to you, that’s important for you to know what your values are because I’ve never been threatened by guys with money because my parents raised me on a very good Christian ethics where money has little of value except for what it can do to help other people and I think most religions are like that – money as a tool for alleviating pain and suffering not for enjoying hedonistic pleasures especially in Singapore some Christian churches purportedly teach and just taking in the world’s values and fucking themselves up basically.
So do you feel insecure because you make a lot less money than them because your value system is materialistic?
If that so and you want to feel good about yourself and you don’t want to change your value system or question it then you better make some fucking money, so figure it out men. Become an entrepreneur. Quit your job, stop whining. Now you’re in 2016, the world’s your oyster. It’s very easy to just make money, I mean, as opposed to in the 1950s when they didn’t have the internet and the normal thing was to get a job and then keep it for the rest of your life like a Japanese salary men.
But the world has changed and now there’s a lot more freedom to make your way. So at least make enough of a living wage just off the internet. And hey, you know you can always hustle harder. Level up your education, become more help to other people – that’s the best way.
So look at yourself in terms of your insecurities, why are you insecure?
And become stronger and if you can’t become stronger because it’s something genetic maybe he’s taller and you’re insecure about your height like I was at one point in my life then you need to condition and reframe.
Now, I gave a talk at 21 Convention that a lot of people like so I’m just going to refer to that, you can Google that or YouTube search it, 21 Convention David Tian, that should bring it up and it’s a talk on insecurities and destroying your limiting beliefs. So the important point I want to just mention was if you feel jealous that means that you view the other male or males as a threat to yourself and you have to ask yourself why you’re insecure and how to get over those insecurities? So you feel secure in yourself, you feel proud of yourself. You’re living a life that you’re proud of and hey, welcome to life, Nothing comes easy that’s worth getting.
Option three is both of you need to grow up and I think in this case it is option three, both of you need to grow up. Okay, cool. Long enough of a video. Damn it, 22 minutes. I want to keep it under…I don’t think I can ever do a 5-minute video, I don’t know. Or 7 or 8. That’s realistic. Let’s try to aim for 8 or maybe keep it under 10.
Anyway, join the private Facebook group. I love your questions. I live off those questions. The show is based on your questions, so please asks your questions and I’ve been able to answer like a third of them just in the comments below the questions so not even having to wait for me to shoot the video, so pop it in there. Ask your question, I may be able to answer it right away. If not, I’ll make a video for you. Until next time, see you in the private Facebook group. Man up!