Man Up | Ep. 192 • June 06, 2017
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or over a decade, David Tian, Ph.D., has coached tens of thousands of people from over 87 countries to achieve happiness and success in their dating and love lives.
Once a nerdy, skinny professor of philosophical psychology who couldn’t hold a conversation to save his life, David is now director of Aura Transformation Corp., and a world renowned dating and life coach using therapeutic methods. Dr. Tian has been featured in international media, including AXN, Cosmopolitan, Psychology Today, as well as co-hosting a radio show on national radio and a weekly dating advice column in a national newspaper in Singapore. Formerly a professor at the National University of Singapore, Dr. Tian is actively researching, speaking, and publishing in the areas of philosophy and psychology.
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Whose Fault Is It? Yours Or Hers?
David Tian: Boom! Stop. I’m David Tian, PhD. And in this video, I answer the question: Whose fault is it? Yours or hers? Welcome to Man Up Episode 192.
Masculinity for the Intelligent Man. I’m David Tian, PhD., and this is Man Up!
Hey. It’s David Tian, PhD., and for over the past 10 years, I have been helping hundreds of thousands of people in over 87 countries attain success, happiness, fulfillment, in love, in life and relationships.
Here we are in Bali. Welcome to Man Up Episode 192. I’m in Bali, the sun is setting, going to grab some dinner, but I’m going to answer a question first. This one is from the private Man Up Facebook group, it’s a question from Droov. Interesting name. Alright.
“I’m with my girl for almost over a year. Recently, I was worried about some things and hence was not really talking…” Okay, let me just get to his question. Bottom-line, he says number one, “It was her fault. She got irritated. And when I called her, she didn’t pick up. Number two, I kind of think it’s a toxic relationship. How should I get past this?”
Okay, so here is the context.
“Recently, I was worried about some things and hence was not really talking to her since one or two days. She was asking what happened and stuff. I told her it’s nothing. And then today, I said that I’m feeling that we aren’t really communicating.” Really? Let me repeat what the fuck he just said.
“Recently, I was worried about some things and hence was not really talking to her. She was asking what happened. I told her it’s nothing. And then today, I’m feeling that we aren’t really communicating.” Gee, I wonder whose fucking fault is that, Droov? And he’s like, gets to the end like, “It’s her fucking fault!” Dude, you just said it right here.
You had some shit happening in your life. She’s like, “Anything wrong?” You’re like, “No, it’s nothing.” And then you’re like, “Bitch, why weren’t you listening to me?” It’s called communication, Droov. You have to communicate.
But it’s okay, because you’re a narcissist. I think we might’ve already kicked this guy out of the group. I’m kidding. People send me the questions.
But anyway, “And then today, I said that I’m feeling that we aren’t really communicating. It’s like I take care of your feelings and like this, but you don’t do the same.” You really take care of her feelings and likeness? What does that even mean? Take care of her likeness? Alright,
“And in between, we got into an argument, and she got irritated and hung up. After five to ten minutes, I tried calling her and left her some messages. Bottom-line, it was her fault and she got irritated!” When I scream like that, it’s because there’s an exclamation mark. “It was her fault, exclamation mark! And she got irritated, exclamation mark! And when I called her, she didn’t care to pick up, exclamation mark!”
Number two, “I kind of think it’s a toxic relationship for me. How should I get past this?” And then some guys – there are 24 comments. Actually when this was sent to me, there are 24 comments.
There are probably more now, and he opened up some more based on the comments; so, awesome, the guys who are questioning him in the comments. That’s some good, mature comments in the Man Up group.
Droov said, “I agree to you that blame game is not right” in response to somebody else, “but try to see it from my view. Every time when we fight, 95% it’s me who calls her up and tries to sort.”
Okay, so Francis asked Droov in the comments, “Can you clarify the situation? It’s sort of vague.” Droov said, “I was worrying about some studies-related stuff, and the fact that me and my girlfriend wasn’t really spending good time together, and lately we weren’t communicating like we used to. So finally in the evening, I shared all this with her.
She tried to understand few but couldn’t finally. Anyway, I’ve really made up my mind, and I know for a fact that this relationship is toxic one for me but I’m still kind of attached to her.”
Yeah, because you’re a narcissist and you’re getting your narcissistic ego supply from her. It’s an easy solution, so he’s like, “How do I stop being attached to this toxic woman?” Well, get a new one.
That’s for you as a narcissist, Droov. You just need that feedback from the world that you’re hot, you’re desirable, and that they’re going to listen to you even if you don’t have anything to say.
Even if you don’t want to communicate your feelings or what’s going on in your head, you just want to assume. You just want everyone to know. You just want your girl to know automatically what you’re feeling, what you’re going through. And if she doesn’t, well, fucking blame her, yeah! That’s a really good way to go.
“Anyway, I’ve really made up my mind and I know for a fact this relationship is toxic, but I’m still kind of attached to her. So, how should finally break up and how should I move on and not go back to her, exclamation mark? P.S: Still now, she didn’t care to call me back. It’s every time whenever she is irritated, she really forgets about me!” Okay, so there’s some other guys coming in like, “Dude, you got to chill out. Are you sure this is happening?” And he says in response to Tom here, “I have tried everything, brother. I have tried communicating with her. It’s been two hours she didn’t care to call me back or message me.” Two hours. “I can’t let anyone take me for granted, brother. We really have a communication problem, which I didn’t have had with any of my previous girlfriends. So yes, I am sure I want to break up. :)”
He wrote a smiley face. So then Tom writes back, “Two hours isn’t that long, man.” So anyway, Droov writes back, “When she hung up, I called her seven to eight times only to calm her down, and then I found she was on a call.” So she hangs up, he calls her back seven to eight times to calm her down but she doesn’t pick up any of those seven or eight calls.
Can you imagine? Like, they just had a fight, and he’s like ripping her phone off, like… Okay, “And then I found out she was on a call. I waited and she picked up, and only to say she is not a right state of mind and is very much irritated.” Gee, I wonder why.
Okay, so that’s all the screenshots that were sent to me. It continues. I think that’s enough to conclude what’s happened here. So Droov, basically, there are two things going on. Droov is either mildly narcissistic or majorly narcissistic.
It’s hard to tell just based on that, but there’s definitely some narcissism going on there, and he’s very much wrapped up in his own shit.
Whether he’s getting his shit taken care of, whether he’s being taken care of – and he considers taking care of her because he will phone her seven or eight times in a row within a span of five to ten minutes until she picks up.
And when he finally realizes he’s getting a busy signal, he’s like, “Oh, she must be on a call now”, right? And then he waits until he’s not getting the busy signal anymore, and then he calls her again. And then he gets mad if he texts her and she doesn’t reply in two hours.
He’s like, “Bitch, don’t you got my back? I got your back whenever you’re sad, I will fucking call you seven to eight times in a row.” Here’s the thing, right? He’s blaming her for not communicating even though he’s the one who is holding it in, not communicating with her.
The thing is, it’s easy for the average person to blame. I take this from Brené Brown. It was a book, something about Rise Up or something like that. It was a book after Daring Greatly, I forget the name of it. Rising Greatly or something. Rising Strong.
Anyway, where she talks about blame. It’s really good because she has this really good theory around blame.
Blaming is what happens when you discharge the pain that you’re feeling, and it could’ve been the pain in that moment or the pain from an earlier experience, or a much earlier experience, some trauma, and you’re offloading that pain.
The feelings about yourself, it’s too painful for you to feel them in yourself, so you offload them and you put them on somebody else. That’s what’s happening when you blame.
So right now, it’s too painful for his narcissistic self to realize that it’s his fault about the communication problem. “There’s something really bothering me.” She asked me, “What’s bothering you?” I said, “Nothing.” And then she says, “You know, I think we have a communication problem.” You know, like, yeah, you’re the communication problem in that example.
Now, for her to be attracted to you and to be with you for a year, she must have her own problems. She’s either, in a way, a codependent narcissist or maybe she’s just too immature to see the narcissism. That’s another option. That’s another possibility.
But Droov, I noticed in the way that you respond to the other guys’ comments is you’re very self-centered. I doubt you’re going to stay in the group for very long because these guys are going to call you the fuck out on that, which I love about the group.
You know, I’ve been talking about narcissism for over a year now in that group, and expanding on it. I think it’s at the root of a lot of of the cluster B personality disorders and a lot of what we consider to be ‘acceptable’ or ‘cool’ behavior.
A lot of what currently is being valorized as far as like the type of role models that we have in society – actually, many of them are displaying narcissistic traits and have narcissistic thought patterns and things like that. People adopt those even if they’re not naturally a narcissist.
But I think with Droov, it’s so natural for him to be self-involved that I think he’s definitely trapped in this narcissistic thought pattern. Now, I don’t know how he’s going to take that.
The average narcissistic… If you’re really suffering from NPD, you’ll probably tell me to fuck off and I don’t know what the fuck I’m talking about and all that shit, right? Nay, power to you if you think that; just like you tell off this woman that you’ve been in a relationship with for a year, and you put the blame on her.
You probably put whatever criticism your friend is trying to give you as blaming the friend for giving you that. I don’t know if he’s going to take that well, but one thing everyone can take away from this is: Whenever there’s a communication problem, one thing that guys have a real trouble with is knowing what they’re feeling and why they are feeling it.
So Droov, in a narcissistic personality, often his own motivations and intentions are inaccessible to himself, to his own consciousness. So the first step to getting out of that narcissistic thought pattern is understanding why you’re thinking and feeling these things.
And when they don’t involve other people. So, don’t blame others. What is it about them – let’s say you cannot change them. What is it about them that’s triggering what you feel, and why is that event triggering it? Alright, so that’s the first step, right? That you start to understand your own operating system of your own mind.
And then you can go from there, right? That’ll get you out of the narcissistic pattern where you’re just blaming others. Turn that mirror on yourself and ask yourself why you feel this way.
Now, obviously, Droov, if you really think so lowly of her, obviously the thing to do is to leave but you’re just whining, and bitching, and moaning, right? So like, you’re in that in-between state because you haven’t found your next victim – that’s his perspective.
But a lot of guys, they blame, they’re like, “Ah, I want to break up with her but I can’t.” Dude, you have to understand why you’re stuck in this, why you’re so attached in this way. What is it that you’re getting from her that’s keeping you in this relationship?
Another thing is, this is clearly a transactional relationship. The guys who have been watching the Man Up episodes for a while, you know what I’m talking about, the different levels of love, right? You start off with need love, like a little baby who is like… babies are self-centered, right?
They don’t have that self-other differentiation yet when they are first born. So, they have like – just basically when they feel hungry, they go, “Wah, wah wah!” And lo and behold, they get some food, right? So, that’s need love where you’re just like, “Ah, I need this!” And you get it, hopefully. That’s the need love.
So, the second level is transactional. Most of the world is in transactional love. Droov is in transactional love. So, as long as you keep giving me what I need, I’ll keep giving you what you need. And if you pull back, well, I’m fucking pull back.
And then he’s like blaming you, “Fucking – you’re the one who broke the contract – the unspoken contract in the first place!” Even though his communication skills are obviously poor, but he’s going to blame her because he wants out. So, he’s not getting the narcissistic supply anymore. That’s a transactional relationship.
Most people are in one. The next level above that – so transactional relationships will not last. They won’t last for very long. They won’t last for 50 years, definitely, or even 30 years. It’s going to be a challenge to have them last for 20 years.
And the next level above that is unconditional love, and you really need to be careful about who you enter that kind of love relationship with. And even if they hurt you, even if they do something that you completely didn’t foresee and they hurt you really bad and you can’t forget that. Actually, forgetting is the wrong word. Or you can’t get over it and stay in that relationship, it’s too dangerous for you.
If that’s the case – you can continue to love them, in fact. That’s a deep thing, just like if your child is completely rebellious, wants to kill you and all of that, you can continue to love the child even as you sign the papers to lock that child up in jail because that child is now a menace to society or whatever. You can still continue to love him, and that’s a deep thing about love. Most of the world has no fucking clue about what love is.
It’s very sad because they’ve lost the classical tradition. They don’t study any of the classical books or any of the classical literature, or any philosophy. They think philosophy is Jack Donovan. That’s a fucking joke. I mean, most of the world is dumb in the fucking head. They think they are smart but they are… Anyway, don’t get me started.
So, there we go, that’s the answer to Droov’s question. He’s displaying clearly narcissistic tendencies and he’s blaming others. It’s really easy to blame others.
Before you blame others for your problems, for the relationship falling apart, turn that fucking mirror to you and try to figure out what is it that’s creating that unrest, that feeling that you don’t like? Whatever that feeling is, a negative feeling that you want to get rid of.
What is causing that other than the other person? What interpretation in your mind is causing that, and what led to that? That’s where the solution lies. Stop trying to just putting all the blame on other people and trying to – if you can’t – trying to change them, or hoping that they will change, that’s like the nicer version of that.
But really, try to focus on yourself, and what you can change, what’s going on in your head that’s causing all of that negativity that you don’t want to feel.
Alright, so there you go. I got to get some dinner. It’s hard to summarize that answer, but you know, there’s a lot narcissism and blame; so narcissism and blame, closely related.
Alright, man. Join the private Facebook group. We answer your questions in there.
Really great community inside there, and it’s David Tian, signing out.
Until I see you in the private Man Up Facebook group, Man Up!