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For over a decade, David Tian, Ph.D. — a uniquely qualified therapist, life coach, and former university professor — has coached tens of thousands of people from over 87 countries to achieve happiness and success in their relationships, dating, psychology, and lifestyle.
Dr. Tian has been featured in international media, as well as co-hosting a radio show on national radio and a weekly dating advice column in a national newspaper in Singapore.
The show, “Man Up: Masculinity for the Intelligent Man” (https://www.davidtianphd.com/blog/), is David’s way of helping as many people as possible enjoy empowering and fulfilling lives, while contributing to the global understanding of masculinity in modern times. In the show, he takes your questions posed in the Man Up private Facebook group (https://www.facebook.com/groups/manupcommunity/) and answers based on his experience coaching tens of thousands of students around the world for over a decade.
Connect with David Tian here:
DTPHD Podcast Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/dtphdpodcast/
Man Up Show Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/manupcommunity/
When You Want To Open Up To Your Girlfriend About Your Past
David Tian Ph.D. reveals the reason why you’re not yet ready to be in a long-term relationship.
David Tian Ph.D. describes what an adult relationship is.
In this Man Up episode, David Tian Ph.D. shares what you can do if you’re not yet ready to be in a relationship.
David Tian: Boom! Stop. I’m David Tian, PhD. And in this video, I answer the question: When you want to open up to your girl about your past. Welcome to Man Up Episode 161.
Masculinity for the Intelligent Man. I’m David Tian, PhD., and this is Man Up!
Hey! This is David Tian, PhD, and for over the past ten years, I’ve been helping hundreds of thousands of people in over 87 countries attain success in life, love, happiness and fulfillment, and welcome to Man Up Episode 161. I’m here in Bangkok, one of my favorite places, and this is called CentralWorld. It’s a complex of really cool bars and restaurants. I just took a break from dinner just to film this for you guys, just to show you where we are. It’s open air above, pretty cool.
Okay, so answering a question from the private Facebook group. Just answering Kimble’s question. Let me try to summarize it. Actually, it’s a pretty short question. I should be able to read the whole thing out here. Just got to find it because I screenshotted it for this phone.
“When both of us are strongly connected, should I share stories about my past love, sex, and ex-girlfriends with my current girl, I mean confess everything about my past to her? And what will happen if this backfires? Will girls accept this kind of honesty?” I asked him to clarify what he means by ‘confessing’, and then this is very insightful. He says, “Personally, I feel like I’m a perv when thinking about past years of my teenage years for having tried many stuff recently with a few real girls. These memories are still strong enough to drive me to disloyalty, which I think may harm our current relationship. Then I think if we share our stories, then we will get better in understanding, giving pleasure to each other.”
“I don’t force my girlfriend to talk anything about her past love, but I currently can’t think of any better solutions to prevent myself from being disloyal.” So Kimble, what he’s basically saying is – it’s really weird when he says ‘confessing everything to her’, like he just did something evil, or bad, or shameful. I was wondering if he just meant to open up about his past and be vulnerable, but it’s actually the other thing. He’s actually scared that he’s going to be disloyal to her. He says, “These memories are still strong enough to drive me to disloyalty, which I think may harm our current relationship. But I currently can’t think of any better solutions to prevent myself from being disloyal.”
So, if the only solution to you not cheating on your girlfriend is telling her about all the times you fucked your ex-girlfriends, then you are not ready to have a long-term relationship. Straight up, simple as that. You’re not ready to be with this woman, and my advice to her is to leave you. You’re not mature enough yet for this. And that’s okay for the both of you. You should not be forcing yourself to be exclusive and monogamous, like ‘serious’, right? You shouldn’t force yourself to do it. Don’t do it unless you want to do it 100%. Don’t force yourself. Just play the field. Have fun. Be very upfront about the fact that you are interested in casual relationships right now, and then that way you won’t hurt anybody, you won’t hurt any girls, and you engage in adult relationships where both parties know what they’re getting into.
That’s an adult relationship. Right now, you’re trying to be somebody that you’re not, and the dishonesty is going to end up killing you. Now, if you are fighting it, a lot of merit to you, but you’re doing it the wrong way. You should not be in the relationship if you have to fight feelings of being disloyal like this at this level. Maybe once in a while you see a hot girl or whatever and maybe you have the temptation, but it shouldn’t be like you have to confess this. It shouldn’t be at this point. You shouldn’t even be thinking about it.
So what this tells me is you’re not ready for a long-term relationship. The best thing for both of you is to break this off, or continue to be friends, or fuck buddies, or friends with benefits, or whatever it is that she’s willing to accept with you. But for you, don’t force yourself to be in a monogamous relationship until you’re ready for it. That’s my advice for you. And most guys in their 20s in the modern world, in any kind of industrialized nation, modern world, are not ready to be in a monogamous relationship.
They’re either needy and think they’re ready to be in a monogamous relationship when they’re really not mature enough to be, or they’re like you and they’re in denial, and they’re going to regret it later in their 30’s and 40’s when they wonder about what could’ve been if they had lived it up in their 20’s and really had a good time like all the other people they’re seeing. So for you, I think you should play the field for now, get it out of your system, sow your wild oats so to speak, so that when you do want to get into a monogamous relationship, you’re not going to be fighting these disloyalty feelings.
You want to be 100% ready for it when you get into it, otherwise what’s going to happen is either you get a divorce or you’re going to settle into a life of quiet desperation. So there you go. To summarize it: Don’t get into a monogamous relationship unless you are 100% ready to do so. If you’re in any way wondering about sowing your wild oats and having the bachelor life again, then you’re not yet ready. You got to get that out of your system first. Alright, so it’s David Tian. Join the private Facebook group. My arm is killing me now. I had a killer workout week. I’m really pushing it this weekend. Man, this isometric hold here is insane. I’m actually holding it up like this.
Okay, so I got to get out of here and get some sustenance at this restaurant over here. And until next time, I’ll see you in the private Facebook group. Join the private Facebook group. Click the link. I’ll see you on the group, and Man Up!