Man Up | Ep. 160 • December 21, 2016
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or over a decade, David Tian, Ph.D., has coached tens of thousands of people from over 87 countries to achieve happiness and success in their dating and love lives.
Once a nerdy, skinny professor of philosophical psychology who couldn’t hold a conversation to save his life, David is now director of Aura Transformation Corp., and a world renowned dating and life coach using therapeutic methods. Dr. Tian has been featured in international media, including AXN, Cosmopolitan, Psychology Today, as well as co-hosting a radio show on national radio and a weekly dating advice column in a national newspaper in Singapore. Formerly a professor at the National University of Singapore, Dr. Tian is actively researching, speaking, and publishing in the areas of philosophy and psychology.
The show, “Man Up: Masculinity for the Intelligent Man,” is David’s way of helping as many people as possible enjoy empowering and fulfilling lives, while contributing to the global understanding of masculinity in modern times. In the show, he takes your questions posed in The Man Up private Facebook group and answers based on his experience Coaching tens of thousands of students around the world for over a decade.
David’s also prepared free video courses that reveal how to get a new girlfriend, how to make friends anywhere, and how to talk to anyone. Click Here and scroll down the page to access these free resources.
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David Tian: Boom! Stop. I’m David Tian, PhD. And in this video, I’m going to answer the question: Is it too soon to have a serious talk in your new relationship? Welcome to Man Up Episode 160.
Masculinity for the Intelligent Man. I’m David Tian, PhD., and this is Man Up!
Hey! It’s David Tian, PhD, and for over the past ten years, I’ve been helping hundreds of thousands of people in over 87 countries attain success in life, and love, and happiness and fulfillment. And here I am in Bangkok. This is Man Up Episode 160, I believe. I’m going to have to double check that. It’s been a while. We did longer talks. We, as in I, did longer talks and we uploaded them to the channel, so make sure you check out our keynote talks, the longer ones.
It’s been a tough week workout-wise, so my body is feeling it. I was supposed to work out today but I decided to take a recovery day. It’s a Saturday. Very busy out here in Bangkok. Managed to find a little space here where it’s not too noisy to shoot this video for you.
And I’m answering a question from the Man Up Facebook group, which you should join. Man Up Facebook group from Davy, and he’s got a long question. It’s very long, I’m going to have to summarize this. Shout out to the girl holding the camera. I get to use my own phone for this. This is the first time ever in the history of Man Up here.
“Hey everyone, been a part of the group for a few months now. I’ve seen great support here and really happy to be a part of the group.” Well, thank you Davy. Great to have you. “I’d like to get your advice about a two month relationship.” Okay, let’s keep that in mind, two months. “At a little over two months, it’s still a pretty new relationship but things have moved along pretty quickly and we’ve become serious about our relationship. We are pretty good when we are together in person. There’s a lot of passion and intimacy. The struggles for me come when we are apart or when she wants to go off and do her own thing. She seems distant and usually waits for me to reach out to her during the week, usually by text message. I also feel that the level of affection, some isn’t reciprocated. I send nice, sweet messages that aren’t returned with the same emotion.”
Then he gets into this whole thing with horoscopes. I’m just going to avoid that because that would turn into a whole other thing. And the issue now is – this is a freaking long message, so I’m going to try to summarize it. His real questions are the following, I’m summarizing the question for him. He is happy with the level of passion and intimacy when they’re together, but he’s not happy with the level of affection that she shows him over text messaging and phone calls when they are apart. Also, he’s becoming more jealous and insecure over time.
Alright, his question is, “What would you suggest is the best way to create some space, let the dust settle, and find a way to talk about my concerns, of my emotional needs not being met?” Okay, so his emotional needs are not being met. That’s the main issue. “As time goes on in a relationship, what’s the best way to gauge or pace the frequency of which we meet each other throughout the week, or is this a sinking ship due to having too many obstacles compatibility, language, culture, et cetera?” She is 36 and he is 32.
Okay, I think we have information here. He has a long response in the comments. So, I asked a question for clarification in the comments and he’s got this long answer. Thank you very much Davy for elaborating. “As far as affection return”, he says, “sometimes she will say, ‘I miss you’ but seldom initiates the conversation about when we should meet next. She told me she was used to the guy taking the lead in most things in her past relationship.” Well, if that’s what she’s saying, then that’s what she wants. She has her needs, you have your needs. You have to meet her needs in order for her to meet your needs. This is one of those things, taking the lead.
But let’s just get to the crux of it. I’m going to try to keep this short. “All in all, I’ve just sensed a lot of uncertainty or just no communication at all. She just listens to what I have to say and doesn’t contribute, and it’s exacerbated by a language barrier.” So, he’s an English-speaking White person in a Chinese-speaking country. “When we talked about how we feel for each other, she told me she really likes being with me and thinks I’m gentle and kind. I want to ask her if she has concerns about the…” Okay, “It just seems like an honest conversation needs to be had to flesh out all the issues, but this would be maybe the third or fourth attempt to talk. She could be losing her patience, which sucks.”
Okay, so some of the issues he wants to talk about are, “I want to ask her if she has concerns about the difficulty of me integrating with her other areas of her life because I don’t speak Chinese.” Okay, so Davy, here’s the thing. You are uptight as fuck right now. Two months in the relationship and you want to have a serious talk with her to flesh out all the issues. This is the sort of talk that you might hear among diplomats who want to sit down with other countries’ ambassadors and flesh out all the issues.
It’s like you’re trying to meet Duterte and like, “Hey, let’s talk about the drug war.” This is bullshit. Look, two months in the relationship, you’re needy as fuck. You need therapy. What you also really need is my course on neediness, because everything you’re saying is just flooding. There’s so much neediness here that it’s going to undermine everything. And basically what’s happening is, your neediness is causing her to want to be away from you and have her own space, and probably that’s her personality already. So now it’s exacerbated because you’re really needy.
You’re trying to flesh out all the issues, and this is in two months, dude. Two months, you’ve already had three or four attempts to do this. Way too serious. Way too heavy right now. In the first two months, you’re supposed to have fun. It’s supposed to be natural. It’s supposed to be fun. This does not sound fun. After all of this stuff – I know what you’re going to reply. You’re going to reply, “David, whenever we meet, we have a lot of fun. It’s awesome. It’s awesome.” I don’t believe it. Your version of fun is not what we’re talking about in terms of fun. It sounds like if you’ve been with her for two months and you’ve been trying three or four times to have ‘the talk’ as a dude, you’re way over-invested here and way needy.
Easy answer is: Get Invincible. It’s a course I did. It’s basically the anti-neediness course, best course ever, critically acclaimed. Get Invincible. That will eradicate your neediness. I’m going to go get some water. I’m pretty parched right now so I’m going to end this here. The summary is that you’re needy as fuck, you don’t know it, and you’re way too serious in this relationship. She’s trying to maintain her distance because she’s a normal, modern person and needs some time to get into it, but the more clingy you are the more you push her away. And right now, you’re really clingy, so you got to get that handled.
Also, you’ve already acknowledged that you’re jealous and insecure already two months in, so you really need to get control of that neediness. And this is a self-esteem issue, it’s what used to be called ‘inner game’ or limiting beliefs issues. It’s your values and purpose issues. It’s your passion issue. Again, I have a course called Invincible that takes care of that. Right now, it’s on waiting list, but you can sign up for the waiting list. So to summarize, if you are, as a dude, within a one or two month relationship and you find yourself really wanting to have a ‘serious’, honest talk to flesh out the issues with her, then you’re needy as fuck if you’re in the modern world. You’re needy as fuck. You need to get Invincible and that’s the summary.
Alright, it’s David Tian. Signing out. Thank you so much for watching. Join the private Facebook group. Click the link. Join the group. See you inside the group. Until then, Man Up!