Man Up | Ep. 130 • July 29, 2016
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or over a decade, David Tian, Ph.D., has coached tens of thousands of people from over 87 countries to achieve happiness and success in their dating and love lives.
Once a nerdy, skinny professor of philosophical psychology who couldn’t hold a conversation to save his life, David is now director of Aura Transformation Corp., and a world renowned dating and life coach using therapeutic methods. Dr. Tian has been featured in international media, including AXN, Cosmopolitan, Psychology Today, as well as co-hosting a radio show on national radio and a weekly dating advice column in a national newspaper in Singapore. Formerly a professor at the National University of Singapore, Dr. Tian is actively researching, speaking, and publishing in the areas of philosophy and psychology.
The show, “Man Up: Masculinity for the Intelligent Man,” is David’s way of helping as many people as possible enjoy empowering and fulfilling lives, while contributing to the global understanding of masculinity in modern times. In the show, he takes your questions posed in The Man Up private Facebook group and answers based on his experience Coaching tens of thousands of students around the world for over a decade.
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David Tian: Boom! Stop. In Episode 130 of Man Up, I answer the question of: What is chemistry between a man and a woman?
Masculinity for the intelligent man. I’m David Tian, Ph.D. and this is Man Up!
Hey! This is David Tian, Ph.D. And for over the past ten years, I’ve been helping millions of people in over 87 countries attain success in life and love by applying ancient wisdom and cutting-edge research. And here I am in Bali, and welcome to Episode 130 of Man Up: Masculinity for the Intelligent Man. Let me just show you the background here. This is the view from the balcony. It’s a beautiful lotus pond and just gorgeous grounds here, so hopefully I’ll be able to shoot in the room, the suite, it’s an amazing two bedroom suite, very generous.
But I’m going to shoot on the balcony today. And the question today comes from Kian, and the question is, “What is chemistry between a man and a woman? Many ladies told me it is an important component to consider for them to be in a relationship. And recently, a lady whom I was getting to know for four months chose another guy over me, citing there’s a lack of chemistry between me and her. Can chemistry be built with every kind of lady, and how can I build chemistry with the lady that I have an attraction for?”
Alright Kian, very basic question. And it’s a good question. It’s a question that very few people in the world have an answer for. I have an answer for you, alright? So, the basic question is, “What is chemistry between a man and a woman and how can you build it?” But first, how can you understand it? There are two levels of this. And the first level is the very basic level of basic, standard physical attraction. What you’re attracted to physically goes way back into your background with all kinds of influences from society, largely from society, your peer group as well as your initial, either father figure for females or mother figure for males.
And that will really color and determine, in many ways, what you’re attracted to emotionally in the beginning, when you’re in your 20s. And if you don’t mature out of that, it’ll determine all the way through your life. So, that’s there. There’s a basic level of physical attraction. And like I said, that comes from a whole panoply of different sources and factors. And so, that’s there.
And I think most people understand that level. So everybody can understand that. When you think about your friends who might be attracted to a different type of girl and you’re attracted to one type and they’re attracted to another. And then there are those women and men who are attracted to a large portion of the opposite sex. And so, they’re blessed with that and it’ll be easier for them to build chemistry because they have that initial physical spark of attraction with members of the opposite sex.
It’s always good as a male, I’m talking to you as a male, Kian, to get your fashion down, to get your fitness down, to be healthy and to have your body language, your eye contact, your tonality, the sound of your voice, the way you move; all of those things will determine what percentage of women are attracted to you at that first glance, that first impression. That’s very important.
So, that’s a basic level and that’s something that everybody understands, so that’s there. And if a girl was raised in a society that values a different physical type from you, you can still go to level two but you won’t have that initial spark, and that will have to come later. So, the lesson from things like arranged marriages and couples who are initially friends and then they become lovers are an example of that, where the level one of the physical attraction isn’t there yet and it forms as a result of level two. So, let’s get to level two.
Level two is an emotional attraction and that is much more powerful than the physical for many people, but especially anybody who’s in the mind and the heart more. So, the more mature you get, the more important that becomes. That is formed through one thing and one thing mostly. As an academic, I never want to say absolutes, so one thing mostly, and that is… But I would say that’s absolute right now because I can’t think of any other factors but I’m opening the door, keeping the door open for any others.
And that is polarity. The polarity between the masculine and feminine energy. So, masculine and feminine do not have to do– are not always tracked by your biological sex or gender. Sex is the right word in this case. So, if you have a penis, it doesn’t mean necessarily that you’re a masculine, or that you have a masculine core, or that you live in your masculine energy. It’s just that, given the hormones and biochemistry of the human being with the penis, often his core is masculine.
And whether he then inhabits masculine energy through most of his life is a separate question, but the core is usually masculine. So, a woman– I’ll give you an example of when polarity doesn’t exist between a man and a woman. If she is a very feminine woman and/or she lives in her feminine energy… And I’ve covered the masculine and feminine in other videos, but basically what that means is that she’s– So, the feminine energy is about feeling through the senses and being more attuned to the environment and to the periphery, what’s around you, your environment and the context.
And soaking that all in, and that’s one example of a feminine energy. There are a lot of other facets to it but I’m trying to keep this punchy and short, so this video will not be specifically about what each of those energies are. Because I talked about in many other areas– and I’ve actually devoted entire episodes. I think Episode 100 or 101 was about that.
And then the masculine is about powering through, getting shit done, being independent and fighting challenges and powering through them. Let me put it out there that a female, a biological female, can be living in her masculine energy most of the time because her society or her job demands it. She could be in a workplace that demands that she power through challenges. But then when she relaxes and is in her natural self after work and her core is feminine, in order for her to feel fulfilled and happy, she will need to be in her feminine.
Maybe that means that she’s going to be more in her body, dancing or doing yoga, having a man that she can then lean on. Or being more artistic and being more in her senses. That’s an example. So, whether you’re biologically female or male doesn’t say anything about how good you are at being masculine or feminine. It’s more about how happy and fulfilled you are in the energies that you’re inhabiting.
Now, if you’re a feminine woman, you’re only going to experience chemistry with a masculine man and/or with a masculine energy. Many of the men I’ve seen in places I’ve lived in Southeast Asia are not living in their masculine energy. Singapore is a great example. They’re largely depolarized. So if they’re masculine, they’re not very masculine; they’re just sort of masculine. Or sometimes, they’re quite feminine in their energy.
A great example of that is their dependence on mom. If they live with the mom, they’re very likely living in their feminine energy. So, everyone knows what I’m referring to, over 90% of single males in Singapore under the age of 35 still live at home with mom and dad. And if that’s your case, it’s going to be difficult to be in your masculine energy all of the time, because you’re still largely dependent or you are playing the role of a dependent. And in many ways, that’s the same thing.
And they put you in that mindset of the dependent. So, it’s going to be hard for you to be that rock and that pillar that the feminine can dance around and run to for support. I know it’s not easy for me to quantify what a lot of science people want, but you can experience this in yourself. The more mature and the more that you understand these energies.
So, a feminine woman with a feminine man will depolarize and there won’t– So, a feminine woman with a feminine man or at that same level, and they’re not going to create the attraction and the spark of chemistry. Chemistry comes when there’s that– it’s like a magnetic energy or a battery. You know they have plus and minus, right? So, you want to have opposites and that creates the electricity, it creates the static, it creates the tension.
And if you’re attracting feminine women, you would need to be a masculine man to create the chemistry. Now, if you’re a feminine woman or if you’re a feminine man and you’re with a feminine woman, you will make good friends. That’s why often, feminine women find gay men to be good friends because gay men are feminine men and they have that feminine energy in common. So, they make great friends; they connect well, but that does not create chemistry.
So, there are two components if you pair it down into the very basic building blocks of a relationship. There are two components to a great relationship, and those are passion, which comes from the polarity, and then connection which comes from that friendship, the certainty, the stability in all of that. Another great way to create passion is having that uncertainty in the relationship of, “I don’t know what’s coming up next. I wonder what’s going to come up next” and so on.
So, you want to have that polarity. Now, if you are a man who is feminine and you’re trying to attract a feminine woman, you’re just not going to have the chemistry and you would make a good friend for her. Now, if you want to attract a masculine woman, there aren’t that many. If you think about a stereotypical butch, like a lesbian butch, the short hair kind, some of them tape their boobs down and they’re more like butch, right? And they’re going to be attracted to people who have feminine energy.
So even among the lesbian community, you’ll see the feminine lesbians and the masculine lesbians and they’ll have chemistry. So, the masculine lesbians do not usually have chemistry with each other, so that’s a really cool test case because you can see that so clearly and it’s less about political correctness. Because there’s so much political correctness that obscures the real issues. So, that’s the truth. So, that’s how it works. That’s how chemistry works.
Chemistry is basically another word for polarity, and polarity is describing the polarity between masculine and feminine energies in a context of the relationship. So, yes, you can build chemistry with the type of women you’re looking for if you know the type of women you’re looking for. So, if you are attracted to feminine women but you happen to be not a very masculine man, what that means is your core is actually quite masculine, but your expression and the way you’ve been living, whether it’s because of society, or your peers or your family and upbringing, whatever the reasons are, you aren’t living according to your core. And so, probably you’re not very fulfilled or happy either.
So, you’re sort of like the male example or the male equivalent of a feminine woman who has to, for her work, has to dress and act like a man and climb the corporate ladder or whatever the ladder is in her workplace to get ahead. And she’s not going to feel fulfilled if she’s a feminine woman at her core, unless after work she can then explore her feminine and inhabit that feminine energy after work and her personal life.
And obviously, if she can do that in her work, then she’ll be even more fulfilled. Society has rewarded women for being more masculine and rewarded men for being more feminine. There’s a depolarization all through society ever since the gender politics in the US in the 1950’s and going forward. Now, it’s infected all around the world.
Okay, the light is going down. I’m going to have to end this video. But Kian, hopefully that explains it for you. There’s a lot more to say. So in future products, in 10 Weeks to Freedom, I go into detail on the polarity and chemistry, how to create chemistry, and how to be more masculine. I explore this in great depth in our live events, our 18 hour a weekend live events. Actually, the 21 hours if you include the infield, the out there in the real world coaching time.
So, I can do this quickly in a video but there’s a lot more to say, obviously. But chemistry comes from passion, passion comes from polarity, and it’s important to understand how to be more masculine. And that’s why you’re watching this show, right? So, how to get more information, and how to interact with me, and how to ask your questions and get them answered is by joining the private Facebook group.
Go there and join the group now. Click on the link below. We approve requests multiple times a day, sometimes every day, and I will see you inside the group. Until then, Man Up![MUSIC]