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For over a decade, David Tian, Ph.D. — a uniquely qualified therapist, life coach, and former university professor — has coached tens of thousands of people from over 87 countries to achieve happiness and success in their relationships, dating, psychology, and lifestyle.
Dr. Tian has been featured in international media, as well as co-hosting a radio show on national radio and a weekly dating advice column in a national newspaper in Singapore.
The show, “Man Up: Masculinity for the Intelligent Man” (https://www.davidtianphd.com/blog/), is David’s way of helping as many people as possible enjoy empowering and fulfilling lives, while contributing to the global understanding of masculinity in modern times. In the show, he takes your questions posed in the Man Up private Facebook group (https://www.facebook.com/groups/manupcommunity/) and answers based on his experience coaching tens of thousands of students around the world for over a decade.
Connect with David Tian here:
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DTPHD Podcast: https://www.davidtianphd.com/dtphdpodcast
Is The Feeling Of Being In Love The Right Foundation For A Relationship?
David Tian Ph.D. explains what passionate attraction is.
There are some relationships that fail, David Tian Ph.D. tells us why this happens.
In this Man Up episode, David Tian Ph.D. discusses why we need to learn how to have passion, how to create it, and how to grow it.
Boom! Stop. I’m David Tian, Ph.D. and in this video I answer the question: “Is the feeling of being in love the right foundation for a relationship?”
Welcome to Man Up Episode 148!
Masculinity for the Intelligent Man. I’m David Tian, Ph.D. and this is Man Up!
Hey! This is David Tian, Ph.D. and for over the past ten years, I’ve been helping hundreds of thousands of people in over 87 countries attain success, happiness and fulfillment in life and love, through the application of ancient wisdom and cutting-edge research. And here I am in Tokyo, Japan. I’m on the street corner of Asakusa, and that’s the famous gate – that big bell. I don’t know if you can see it. That tree is blocking it. But for those who’ve been to Tokyo, you know where I am. It’s a famous tourist corner. And answering a question from the private Facebook group, from El Drakče. I can’t pronounce that name, sorry, but El, I’ll call you.
Let’s see if I can summarize this. “Okay, I have one very specific problem: I had a break up with my girlfriend about a week ago. We were in a ten months long relationship and it was absolutely great. I love her very much, but she told me that our relationship became boring to her, but she would love very much to be a friend to me. She also told me that she was thinking about a breakup before one to two months but she didn’t do that until now because I’m a very good person. But I’m a very important part of her life, and because she doesn’t want to lose me.”
“So, this breakup stressed me a lot. I still love her very much. First two days after the break up, I was rarely talking to her. She was initializing our talks. And on third day, I told her that I can’t be her friend at this moment, and we stopped every contact.” Okay. “She told me that she will always be there if I decide to be her friend, and told me that she’s guilty for this breakup, and told me that she doesn’t deserve such a good guy like me; that I deserve a much better girl.” Oh man.
“Since then, we don’t talk at all, but I found out that she already has a new boyfriend and that they were flirting about one to two months before our breakup.” Oh, interesting. “And they were not talking to each other since July, until the last two to three days, because she didn’t want to cheat on me. As I told you, I love her very much and I would like to get her back. I know that I need to do a lot to get her back and keep her, but please tell me where to start and what to do. I’m too distracted to make a good plan alone now. I’m not talking to her now, but should I call her on her birthday?”
Okay El, for this question, I’d actually – in my previous video, where I was holding the camera the wrong way, because I’m filming on my phone, the wrong way. So, this is a very similar question to the one I just filmed. And in that question, the same issue of being, the girl says, “I’m not in love with you but I love you.” And it’s sort of that whole friend situation again. So, very similar, and I’m going to say this is a similar thing, but this is even worse. So, this is ten months into the relationship. She’s lost her feelings of love. It’s not like the 19 year marriage that we were talking about in the earlier episode just before this.
So again, I’m going to remind you of this graph. Okay, so if you see that passionate attraction versus companionate attraction – I hope it’s not flipped in the camera. So, you have the idea of when you first start a relationship, you have passionate attraction – it’s very high in terms of intensity, and then it just wears off, the butterflies in the stomach, the feeling of being in love will wear off naturally as a consequence of biology. And then over time, if you want to continue to have that relationship, you need to transition into companionate attraction which is this more of a gentle slope of intensity.
And most couples – pretty much all of them – do not make that transition successfully unless they have training and unless they have deep knowledge of what’s happening. And pretty much nobody has that kind of knowledge.
So, everyone’s going to have fucked up relationships. Or if they haven’t had the courage to get a divorce or whatever, they will lead lives of quiet desperation, and then sort of miserable, and just content to leading a sub-par life and not happy.
So, that’s what most people do, and you guys went through that. And this is a perfect example. She is already at the – what you said about one to two months in, she’s flirting with another guy, so she and you lasted about eight months in that honeymoon relationship. And naturally, just as a consequence of how relationships work, regardless of how you were in that relationship, even if you were awesome… Actually, if you were awesome, it probably would’ve lasted for about at least 18 months and probably two or three years that way.
So definitely, there are things I could just tell by your question that you don’t understand how attraction works. But even if you did, this girl lacks the integrity. So no matter what, it wouldn’t have worked. No matter how great of a guy you were, she would’ve done this to you. It’s just a matter of time. And in this case, you’re lucky. You win or you learn, right? That’s something I covered in the last video. And hopefully, you will learn from this, about the type of women that are right for a relationship. This type of woman is not right for a relationship. And the truth is, you’re not right for a relationship either because you don’t understand what it takes for a committed relationship to work.
Both of you need to tap on the pinned post in the private Facebook group and watch the free complimentary video course I’ve made on how to make a relationship… Actually, there’s the course on relationship material, and the red flags in a relationship, as well as how to make a relationship passionate. So, I’m holding this up with my arms. Again, I had a shoulder day not too long ago where I really killed my shoulders, in a good way. But right now, they are burning so it’s a little bit shaking.
But you know, one of the things is, I like to film when I’m travelling to show you guys the different places I’m in. It’s hard to carry – I don’t want to be one of those guys who carries a fucking selfie stick or whatever, so I’m doing this by arm. So, forgive the shakiness on the camera. But that’s the deal. So, the takeaway is: if you want to have a successful, long-term relationship with a woman but she doesn’t understand the difference between companionate and passionate attraction, you’re fucked. It’s just a matter of time. It’s a ticking time bomb right there.
Just a matter of time before that relationship falls apart, because what’s going to happen is those feelings – the butterflies in the stomach and all that from the initial honeymoon are going to go away – necessarily just part of biology. And if she doesn’t know how to deal with that and how to grow that into companionate attraction, it’s not going to work. Also, if you don’t understand how to make a relationship passionate, even if you just have companionate attraction so to speak, it’ll just be like a friends connection, which is what you kind of are getting to now if she had the integrity to stay in the relationship. You just be good friends and there’d be no passion.
So, you have to also learn how to have that passion and how to grow it, how to create it, how to ignite it. And there’s a free course I made in the pinned post. Tap the pinned post. You see the link. Click the link and get access to the free video courses. So, I got that free video course there on how to make a relationship passionate. As well as for all you guys having trouble in the relationships, it’s usually because you picked the wrong person, or that person at that stage in her life is not ready.
So, go watch the course on relationship material and the red flags. You need to get all of that information, all of that knowledge. Knowledge is power, my friends. Knowledge is power. So, I forgot to mention, this is Episode 148 of Man Up and I’m here at Tokyo, signing out from Asakusa Gate here – well, the gate near Asakusa, I forgot the exact name of that gate.
Join the private Facebook group to ask me the questions, to see the questions that are being asked as well, just interact with the great community on there. Join the private Facebook group. Just click that link, log into Facebook and join the group. We approve requests every day. So, I’ll see you inside there.
Until then, Man Up!