Man Up | Ep. 168 • January 18, 2017
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or over a decade, David Tian, Ph.D., has coached tens of thousands of people from over 87 countries to achieve happiness and success in their dating and love lives.
Once a nerdy, skinny professor of Asian philosophy who couldn’t hold a conversation to save his life, David is now director of Aura Transformation Corp., and a world renowned dating and life coach. Dr. Tian has been featured in international media, including AXN, Cosmopolitan, Psychology Today, as well as co-hosting a radio show on national radio and a weekly dating advice column in a national newspaper in Singapore. Formerly a professor at the National University of Singapore, Dr. Tian is actively researching, speaking, and publishing in the areas of philosophy and psychology.
The show, “Man Up: Masculinity for the Intelligent Man,” is David’s way of helping as many people as possible enjoy empowering and fulfilling lives, while contributing to the global understanding of masculinity in modern times. In the show, he takes your questions posed in The Man Up private Facebook group and answers based on his experience Coaching tens of thousands of students around the world for over a decade.
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David Tian: Boom! Stop. I’m David Tian, PhD. And in this video I answer the question: How to deal with an insecure woman in a relationship. Welcome to Man Up Episode 168.
Masculinity for the Intelligent Man. I’m David Tian, PhD., and this is Man Up!
Hey I’m David Tian, PhD. and for over the past 10 years, I have been helping hundreds of thousands of people in over 87 countries attain success, happiness, and fulfillment in life and love. And welcome to Man Up Episode 168. We’re still here in Ubud, Bali and it’s got a cool view of this pool and then the villas down there with cool thatch huts. Beautiful, gorgeous valleys and rivers everywhere. Just a beautiful setting up here. Just getting down the evening cocktails and dinner.
So, answering a question from the private Man Up Facebook group this one comes from Tory. It’s a two-parter question but very short. So the first part is, “How do you reassure a woman that you love her and that you are not going anywhere?” Next question. “She been through shit in relationships, but how do I get past the wall and make her see me for me and not the guys from her past relationships?”
Tory, two things. First, I’m gonna give you the general advice and then give you a caveat. So the general advice is it takes time. I’m assuming shit means her previous boyfriend’s cheated on her or she was abused by her previous boyfriends and just has trust issues and commitment issues. And when it starts to feel really good, she pulls away because she doesn’t want to get disappointed again because she feels familiar when she opened up and became vulnerable. She got hurt. So, I’m assuming it’s something along those lines. And if that’s the case and you have great intentions, then what you should really do is, you need time and you have to let your actions speak for themselves.
So, it just takes some time where you’re there and you show her. You prove it to her through your action. And here’s the other thing: reinforce the fact that you are proving it. So sometimes when you do something good for somebody, it doesn’t sink into them because they have deservedness issues. Like, they don’t feel like they deserve it so it doesn’t actually hit home.
So, you have to reinforce for her what you’ve done. Often, maybe frequently, you could say: Hey look! Did I cheat on you this week? No I didn’t! Hey, high five! Something along those lines. That was just funny but something like that. So you wanna reinforce her, remind her, how awesome you have been so far, and that commitment will be there for her. She can look back and see your track record. “Oh yeah, I guess that’s true.” Right? You have to show it to her. Reinforce her. Don’t just wait until, like, a year of not cheating on her and just, like, miraculously expect her to just like be mature enough to be able to get over her previous traumas. You have to actually help her through it.
So it’ll take time, and you just prove yourself over time, and then reinforce it depending on her level of insecurity. Reinforce it as long as you’re comfortable with it as well and have fun with it, but just remind her that you have been great so far and that’s a good reason for why you will continue to be great. A great way to predict what would come next is based on what has come before and you can just continue to reinforce that throughout the relationship.
So human beings, whether man or woman, have good reasons to be skeptical about relationships. Most of us have been through bad relationships. And the longer that you’ve been, the older you get and the more relationships you’ve had and the more times you’ve been burned, the more walls and defenses will come up. So this is a pretty common issue and you just have to prove it to her through your track record over time and then reinforce it like I said.
Now here’s a caveat. It might be a case where there’s a boundary issue where, for instance, she’s just so insecure and there’s so much trauma, or neurosis, or neurotic level of insecurity, that what she’s acting for you to do is to take responsibility for her emotions. You can’t do that. No human being can do that, so you shouldn’t put yourself in the position where you have to manage and massage her emotions.
That’s her shit. She’s gotta deal with that. You be with you. You do you. You know what you’re about. You stay with your commitment level, your responsibility. You uphold your end of the bargain. It’s up to her to appreciate it and see it.
You can help her with it by being transparent with it but if she, for instance, requires you to text her every hour when you’re out with the guys, or she’s constantly accusing you of cheating on her when you haven’t, and there’s reason for her, really irrational reason for her to doubt you, she’s just neurotically obsessing about it, then you can’t help her. She needs professional help. She needs time and she might not even ever get out of that situation, unfortunately for many people, unless she realizes it that she needs help and moves forward on her own.
So you must be wary of your boundaries. You cannot take responsibility. You should not take responsibility for other people’s feelings. You take care of yourself and then their feelings will come based on their interpretation of the events, of their perception of the events. And that’s not something you cannot control. You uphold your end of the bargain and hope that she’s mature enough to uphold hers.
Now, the reality is, most people in their 20s are not mature enough. This might be just one of those cases where you’re gonna have to chalk it up to experience and learn from it and move on. But hopefully, if she just needs basically some time and for you to establish a track record with her. For you to look back and show her that you’ve had been faithful all this time, and that your relationship has been growing in passion and connection, you could just point that out and that should be enough proof for her to allay her fears and this could be the one for her.
So, I’m gonna summarize it. The general advice is: prove it through your track record and reinforce periodically with her. And then the caveat is: make sure she’s not going over the balance of rationality and obsessing about her insecurities with you, requiring you to check in and accusing you of stuff you didn’t do. So if that’s the case, you’re gonna have to pull away because there’s nothing you can do. She needs to fix herself, so it’s a boundary issue.
So there you go! It’s a good summary of that I think. We are gonna get some drinks. The sun is setting right now and I’m pretty thirsty. We’ve got drinks melting, again, at the bar. And this is David Tian, signing out. You must join the private Facebook group. Go ahead and join the private Facebook group and see Thomas Thomer, his question is in the group.
There’s a great group of guys in there. They’ve already started answering his question before I even saw it. So, a great group of people and it’s a growing community. It’s growing very fast every day. Join the group. We approve requests every day. I’ll see you inside the Man Up Facebook group.
Click the link. Join the group. I’ll see you inside.
This is David Tian, PhD, signing out. Man Up!