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For over a decade, David Tian, Ph.D., has coached tens of thousands of people from over 87 countries to achieve happiness and success in their dating and love lives.
Once a nerdy, skinny professor of philosophical psychology who couldn’t hold a conversation to save his life, David is now director of Aura Transformation Corp., and a world renowned dating and life coach using therapeutic methods. Dr. Tian has been featured in international media, including AXN, Cosmopolitan, Psychology Today, as well as co-hosting a radio show on national radio and a weekly dating advice column in a national newspaper in Singapore. Formerly a professor at the National University of Singapore, Dr. Tian is actively researching, speaking, and publishing in the areas of philosophy and psychology.
The show, “Man Up: Masculinity for the Intelligent Man,” is David’s way of helping as many people as possible enjoy empowering and fulfilling lives, while contributing to the global understanding of masculinity in modern times. In the show, he takes your questions posed in The Man Up private Facebook group and answers based on his experience Coaching tens of thousands of students around the world for over a decade.
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How To Get Over A Breakup
David Tian: Boom! Stop. In episode 62 of Man Up, I answer the question of, how do you get over a break up?
Masculinity for the Intelligent Man. I am David Tian, Ph.D., and this is: Man Up!
Hello, this is David Tian, Ph.D. and this is episode 62 of Man Up! I am back in Singapore. Pretty nice weather today. It’s heat in the weekend, I’m at the W Sentosa. Here it is to give you a little view of the pool area, they got an amazing pool, I love the pool here. Great service. Very nice suite, two-bathroom suite.
Almost always get upgraded to the suite. Love living in a Starwood hotel so big loyalty props there. Big fan of some other chains but Starwood’s my first choice in most cases. Love the vibe of the W.
So anyway, there you go. Excuse the casual attire, heading to the pool in a little bit. Okay so episode 62, answering question from, oh and happy new year, I know you’re definitely watching this way into January, but for me because I was behind the firewall of China, this is the first episode of 2016.
I’m done recording for 2015. So anyway, Happy New Year! Okay, question from the Facebook group, the private Facebook group, Man Up! And it comes from Go. His name is Go. It’s a really simple question. I don’t even need to read it. It’s just “how does someone get over a breakup?” He says it might be out of topic.
I don’t know why he would think it would be out of topic. One thing that I’ve been trying to do for years, three or four years is to move out of pick up because you know some guys might think it’s “pick up”.
I still get guys coming to the preview events or people messaging me asking pick up questions like how do I do this super-duper karate kid pick up on some girl like surrounded by fire and shit. I have no interest in those ridiculously stupid questions whatsoever.
Even if you were to get a great answer to those, they will actually just make you more needy. Pick up artists are all really needy. So I don’t want to go there. This is not off-topic at all. This is right on topic, how do you get over a break up.
Because it is inevitable. It will happen to you. The chances of you having one girlfriend and going all the way through your life just with her, marrying her, having kids with her and then dying at the end of your life… being married to her is statistically incredibly rare.
Unless you’re in some kind of very rare society now or very traditional religious society. Singapore is not traditional in that sense. But I’m thinking something like maybe somewhere in the middle east. Maybe like if you’re in Syria or something, I don’t know. You’re going to have a break up! And it’s really important that you know what to do when that happens.
Now you would only be asking this question, really, if you were the one who was dumped. Usually the person who leaves the relationship has a much easier time getting over it. And maybe that person will have to deal with the guilt of leaving the other person. But it’s not generally as hard emotionally. But to the person who got left, who would have preferred to have stayed in the relationship but got dumped. So speaking to the person who got dumped – and if it’s never happened to you – you have not lived enough.
I understand a lot of guys – my God! I haven’t done an event where I met new guys that are not already enrolled in our programs or a member. I haven’t done an event like that for over a month. And I know a lot of dating coaches in the world, my colleagues around the world, have not done any coaching for a long time but I like to keep my finger on the pulse so to speak, and I was just shocked. This is what the fourth event – I just did one last night – the fourth event in a row where ninety percent of the room are guys over twenty-five, Singaporean over twenty-five who have never – never – been in a relationship.
Like a committed… like never had a girlfriend and maybe at the age of thirty, having two or three sexual partners total. And that might be like two or three sexual encounters. Not including paid stuff. I don’t know if they include paid stuff. I didn’t ask them. It’s important for guys to realize, that’s generally not the experience of women. Anyway, just want to put that out there. It’s good that at least you have been in a relationship.
That was the point of that and I’ll come back to this theme but it’s really important for me to get reminded constantly that there’s a wide spectrum of needs when it comes to relationship advice. And a lot of guys are not getting those, a lot of guys are at the margins of that.
Going to the question of the break-up. Here are some tips, if you were the one who got dumped, first of all, realize that this is a normal thing. It’s a good thing that you were in the relationship in the first place. You need to take a post mortem. So the old pick up advice was to go fuck ten girls or something stupid like that. That would just distract you from the emptiness inside. And if that was a relationship that really mattered to you then just having more sex will just only make you forget but it won’t help you learn and grow as a human being. What’s the point of… you’re just like an animal who just wants to forget the bad event.
That’s not good! So you want to always grow from every experience and you can. Winners always grow from every experience. So you need to take a post mortem and ask yourself why the relationship evolved as it did, and how you can understand it, and what lessons you can take from it.
Now if there were any things that you needed to improve or work on in yourself, take those to heart and start to work on those not as, not in an effort to win back that girl or guy but as for yourself because you need to take that feedback for yourself. Now you got to begin the post mortem right away but realizing that however long that relationship has been, you’ll need at least half of that time to get over it. So if it’s been a year of relationship, you’ll need six months generally to get over it and to not be pampered by it. You know, it won’t be bothering you.
So for the first three months after a one year relationship, if you’ve been seeing each other regularly during that one year, you should expect to not be thinking that clearly in relation to that relationship. So what you need to do is start your post mortem but realize the work from that, the results won’t come until later but get started. But then immediately, what you should be doing is to change your environment, change the anchors. Travel is a really really great thing to do.
Go somewhere new, preferably by yourself or with a good friend or two but really you need to do a little soul searching. If you have a friend, you just end up talking about superficial things that don’t really have to do with relationship. Guys, especially don’t know how to handle emotions discussions.
Guys don’t know how to talk about emotions especially to other guys. So this is a major problem in masculinity – in modern masculinity – and I will be addressing that as many times as I can in the different videos. Generally your guy friends will suck at being therapist and they will suck at helping you get over what you’re dealing with your feelings and learning… and maturing as a man. They’re going to suck at that.
If you have a sister or an older sister who can give you perspective and loves to talk about feelings, and loves to actually get to know the real you, that’s a really good person to travel with. If you can get a coach, you can…if you want to pony up and get the real deal, you can find a good therapist just a work through your thoughts! Therapy is a bad word for it…it sounds like there’s something wrong and you need to correct it with therapy but actually it’s more like counseling, like coaching.
So you can do that, BUT when you travel, I recommend that you travel alone to a new place, and I would enjoy it, explore on your own, and have new experiences, create new anchors. When you come back to where you live. You want to have as many new associations as you can. So if your favorite restaurant with her or the favorite café with her or the favorite thing you guys did, it’ll trigger these anchors. You don’t want to have those, you want to have new ones because those are relatively unuseful.
So create new habits. New routines. Go to new places in the city you’re at. Rearrange your apartment. Get some new paint, buy a new rug. Just change up the environment so it doesn’t trigger those things. I’m lucky because my lifestyle and lifestyles of many of my friends, some of my friends is sort of nomadic, or relatively nomadic.
So I live in these hotel rooms. All of these anchors keep changing all the time and it makes it really easy. I know most people are tied down to one place. Notice the difference in language, right? A lot of people say, when are you going to settle down, I think when are you going to get tied down.
But a lot of people are tied down so it’s hard for them to change the anchors. It’s the same especially if they live with the girl. So, you need to make conscious active effort to create new associations. Create new anchors. You probably have favorite music that reminds her… reminds you of her. You want to clear out that playlist and replace it with new music, it’s going to take a little while for the new music to come up. You want to do that as soon as you can. Clear out any her old possesions that are still in your place. Just start anew. Start afresh. And then that would give you a more detached objective perspective when it comes to reevaluating that relationship.
Okay, so this video went a lot longer than I wanted. I’m going to try maintain discipline and keep it down to about five minutes so coming up to ten, there’s a lot more actually to be said about getting over breakups. There are also some… just understand, the most important thing is to understand and process what happens so you can learn from it and grow. That’s the most important thing.
In the short term, you want to cut all the anchors and associations and replace them with new anchors and new associations. And new adventures, and new experiences that make you grow. And new habits and new routines. Enjoying new clubs. Start doing the things that you’ve been putting off. Go to the gym. It’s the new year, right? Go to the gym, be a new you. Create the new you. And just focus on doing that making yourself become a better person. That’s the best way to get on in life whether you’re coming from a break up or not.
Okay, man… so that’s episode 62. Welcome to the new year! 2016! Let’s crush it together. Join the private Facebook group, click that link, join the group, interact with me. A bunch of the questions if they’re easy, I can just answer them right in the Facebook group in the comments… but otherwise I will create these videos for you. Alright man so see you in the private Facebook group.