Man Up | Ep. 233 • June 8, 2018
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or over a decade, David Tian, Ph.D., has coached tens of thousands of people from over 87 countries to achieve happiness and success in their dating and love lives.
Once a nerdy, skinny professor of philosophical psychology who couldn’t hold a conversation to save his life, David is now director of Aura Transformation Corp., and a world renowned dating and life coach using therapeutic methods. Dr. Tian has been featured in international media, including AXN, Cosmopolitan, Psychology Today, as well as co-hosting a radio show on national radio and a weekly dating advice column in a national newspaper in Singapore. Formerly a professor at the National University of Singapore, Dr. Tian is actively researching, speaking, and publishing in the areas of philosophy and psychology.
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David Tian Ph.D.: Boom stop, I’m David Tian. And in this video I answer the question: Should you give her more attention and reassurance? Welcome to the Man Up show.
Masculinity for the Intelligent Man. I’m David Tian, Ph.D., and this is Man Up!
Hey, I’m David Tian, and for over the past 11 years I’ve been helping hundreds of thousands of people in over 87 countries attain success, happiness and fulfillment in life and love. And welcome to the Man Up show. I’m in a beautiful part of the countryside of Japan, in the hot springs area. Just beautiful mountains and amazing hot springs. If you’ve never done it before, I highly recommend it, the ryokan onsen experience.
Anyway, here’s the question. This question comes from Thomas in the Man Up private Facebook group. It got quite a lot of comments, which I let roll, and then he tagged me in one of the comments that he wrote as an update. So I’m going to read quite a lot of the question because the answer is pretty straightforward, in my opinion.
But most, a lot of guys missed it, and I think there’s a reason why a lot of people miss it. So, let’s get into the question. I’m not going to read it all by the way, it’s a very long post, like eight pages on the screen — eight screens on this phone.
Okay here we go, “Okay, so long story short, we’ve gone into difficulties.” Okay so first of all, English is not his first language so I’ll be translating some of it along the way. “We got in to difficulties when my girl and I a few weeks ago had several talks where I opened her up.”
“I was kind of a cold fish lately he says, and stressed and worked more than normal. That was the core issue. The other was that some of our core values and beliefs are different. She wants me to reach out and contact her every day, which I learned years ago was a no go. But once in a while okay.”
“So she was the one who initiated contacts mostly; 90% of the time.” And this was his first post. So this is like, what? 10 days ago or something like that. “We are still together, but she is asking space for thinking. She does not feel loved enough, which I believe is true.”
“She told me she needs space to figure things out because she feels divided on her inner side. Which I responded, I understand where she’s coming from, I love her and she is really important for me but I’m going to respect her need. Call me when she figured it out and ready to talk about it, and to ready to continue being in the fun bus with me.”
That’s the backstory, and then he basically shows this photo of this girl, sitting on another guy’s lap at what looks like a big picnic with a lot of people at it, including kids who happen to be standing right next to them. And people in the comments, the guys were responding right away like, “She wants her space. She wants to have some fun. You’re not meeting her needs and all this.”
And he’s like, “No! I just want to hear what you think about whether she’s a slut in the photo.” Like, it’s just so funny. Guys write like a long history and background, and then they come at you with a question that has got nothing to do with the real issue. That’s why most guys suck with women and most guys suck in relationships.
They’re very surface-level thinking, very A to B level thinking, when relationships and human psychology is all underneath the surface. So his update, which was about like two weeks later or something like that, a week later, says, “Okay, so I reached out– She reached out the day after he posted the original post, saying she was really sorry but she can’t continue the relationship. She started speaking calmly, was open. I told her she was right, and sometimes I’m still immature and then I want to work things out truly but I accept her decision.”
“She immediately asked if I want to come with her to — she immediately asked if I want her to come with me on our friend’s wedding. So she’s like, “Do you still want me to go to the wedding?” So I told her, ‘Yeah, sure. But not as friends only, forget the labels, let’s just enjoy the evening.’ She declines, started an argument, but I was calm and peaceful.” Anyway, so what happened is, so the next day she flakes on him, she says, “I hope you had a good time at the wedding but I can’t go, have a great time.” And so, after 30 minutes she says, “Have fun, enjoy the wedding. I’ve sent you the photo of the cards in case you would need it. Enjoy the event.”
I replied, “Thank you. It is very kind from you.” Anyway, and then there’s some back and forth texting, like… So they broke up, the next day, she’s like, “Do you want me to go to the wedding?” He’s like, “It’s okay!” She says, “Yes, I would!” And she says– flakes on him with the last minute, and then they continue flirting. So a few days more, they flirt, they flirt, they meet up, they have make-up sex. It looks like about six days after the initial break up and then he’s like, “Cool.”
And then he goes right back in to the relationship frame as if nothing had happened. That’s what most guys do, like, they’re like, “Okay, great! The drama’s over. I’ve learned nothing from it. Everything’s back to normal.” And actually the problem was the opposite, she thought things had changed, and that’s why she got back together, but of course things hadn’t changed.
Because suddenly, it was interesting because what happened is, as you heard it in the beginning, he’s very stand-off. He’s like, “I read that initiating conversation on a regular basis with her is a no-go, so I’m not going to do it.” So she initiates 90% of the time. And then she’s like, “Look, I’m not feeling it and you’re not meeting my needs.” And then he’s like, “Yeah, I get it. I’ve been stressed out at work and all this.” And she’s like, “Uh-huh.” And then he suddenly puts all this attention on her now, because she dumped him.
And then now he’s back on her, and then she’s like, “Oh! He’s changed. He is paying attention to me.” And then she feels reassured so she gets back together with him. Problem is, she realizes that, he’s only there to use her for his benefit and that he’s playing games with her.
With like, following the rule book, that he heard somewhere else, not from me, but some bullshit. So he’s like, “Okay.” So now he goes into, she’s like, speaking, laughing, has a kiss,” they have great make-up sex. He says, “Playful, fun, and turned her on. And had probably one of the best sex ever in our lives.” Next day he takes off to his dad and then he disappears. So he’s taken off for a while, and then he buys her some stuff. And then he’s like, “Okay, started playful banter joking, she asks for some opinion. She wrote on me on Facebook then, some playful banter again, we say goodbye.”
“My father made her some food, so on the way back home I stopped at her place and gave it to her. I guess it was a big mistake, almost like a totally different person. She said I was very kind to bring her that food package, her eyes were looking all over.” And she’s now moved on. So now, she’s in fun mode. But fun mode means she’s going to have her fun. Like she’s going to try lots of different guys.
And there’s no reason for her to put all of her chips on him, when he didn’t deliver. So a lot of guys, I think they pointed out at first, but Thomas’s focusing on the wrong thing. The first, basically what’s happening is, Thomas with this girl, he’s gaming her in the relationship. So, that means that he’s not meeting her needs. What needs does a woman need to feel in a relationship? Reassurance and attention. Reassurance and attention.
So a lot of game guys, guys who follow the pick-up rules and shit they read on the internet and stuff like that, are playing hard to get. But they suck at it because they’re not really hard to get, they’re really needy as fuck. But they’re playing a game to seem as if they’re not needy.
That’s what Thomas was doing. He’s not texting her very much. He’s doing all of the stuff that he read or learned about in an e-book or in a video course that tells him, “Follow these rules.” Instead of going with this feelings, instead of being true to how he really feels and being vulnerable.
And saying like, “I would really like to text you more, but I read in this book that I should only text you every once in a while and that you should initiate. So I’m very afraid that you’re not going to like me for very long, so I’m following these fucking rules so that you won’t dump me.”
And this is very weak, but it’s like most of the world. Most people follow some stupid ass rules, not understanding the underlying principles of the rules. So they’re trying to pretend like they’re not needy, by modelling and copying the behaviors of those who aren’t needy.
When in fact, they’re actually needy. And what’ll happen is, you’re gonna get fun time. Because girls who would be attracted to the guy who doesn’t text very often, and is playing coquette, basically hot and cold, and is laying off, basically not even there in a way, and she’s got to chase him.
He’s going to attract girls who just want to have fun, or who have daddy issues and or damaged, those are the two main types. And probably both, daddy issued, damaged girls who want to have fun. And that means they just want to have casual fun, they want to hook up, enjoy their singlehood and all that, which is increasingly common here, in the West, I mean.
So, that means that he’s not going to have a successful relationship. Because the type of girls that he’ll draw in to his life, by playing games, by pretending not to care, by texting her very little, all that shit, by gaming, basically, are going to be the ones who will not want a relationship. And the ones who want a relationship will be turned off by him, because the ones who want a relationship will want and need reassurance, and attention, and your presence.
And presence is a way to give reassurance and attention, but players and pick-up guys and game players, they don’t want to give reassurance and attention because they learned that that’s, like, bad. That that will turn her off because he’ll seem needy. But if you’re coming from a place where you are confident in yourself, and you’re secure, you can act sincere to your — like, true to your feelings, authentically, and not be afraid that she’s going to leave you or something. Because if she leaves you for you being your sincere true self, because you texted her because you want to, and she doesn’t like that, well that’s her problem.
And it’s better to lose a girl by being your true self than to get her by being your false self. Thomas isn’t in touch with his true self. He’s playing games. So eventually, I mean, he got lucky enough that this girl, who was in fun mode, maybe at the time, wanted a relationship, and she’s going, telling him like, “I’m not feeling it, you’re not meeting my needs. You’re not there for me.”
He’s like, “It’s the truth, I’ve been stressed out at work, I’ve been neglecting her. I purposely gamed her so that she initiates 90% of the time.” 90-10 is a pretty big disparity. And her needs aren’t being met. She’s not reassured that he’s going to be there for her. That he’s sticking in for the long run, she’s not reassured. And she’s not getting the attention. Without attention and reassurance. The feminine energy withers.
You can even see this in like pure feminine energy. So if you take a little girl who loves to dress up and be a princess, if you give her lots of attention, she flowers and she’s even more encouraged to spin around, and play make-believe, and have more energy. And if you reassure her that daddy’s there, you’re going to care of her, catch you if you fall, and all that stuff, she’ll let go even more. And that’s just pure feminine energy. So if you don’t give her that, if you’re like, “Yeah, okay. I got shit going on, you got shit going on so, give me a holla when you got some time.”
You’re playing player, then you’re very likely not going to attract a woman who’s ready for, or wants a relationship. And if you happen to do so, you’re not going to meet her needs and she’s going to pretty quickly take off on you. And what happened to this girl was she’s like, “Okay, fine. If you’re not going to meet my needs, Thomas, then I’m going to have some fun.”
Girls just want to have some fun now, so then she’s playing around some guys, sitting on his lap, it’s probably innocent fun, but he’s freaking out, because he’s been fake the whole time. He’s playing his cards close to his chest. Like he’s like, “I really love you, you’re very important to me. But I’m going to act as if you’re not important to me. Because I want to be cool, because I’m so full of fear that you’re going to leave me if I show my true self, that I have to play according to these stupid ass rules that aren’t even right, that I read somewhere on the fucking internet.”
So he shoots himself on the foot by playing games. Whenever you play games, you’re not going to be able to give reassurance and attention to the feminine energy, the woman; who, in a relationship, is that’s exactly what she needs and wants: reassurance and attention. And by the way, if you give a woman reassurance and attention and it’s true, and sincere, and authentic, and that turns her off, that means she was not ready for a relationship, and she wasn’t ever going to be happy in a relationship at that point in her life.
So this is great polarizing tactic. Put out the energy that you want to have come back to you. If you want to stop leading manipulative relationships, stop manipulating. If you want to start leading relationships that aren’t driven by fear and insecurity, then stop being fearful and insecure in that relationship. Which means, fucking speak the truth in that relationship and the truth will come back to you.
Or the people who can’t deal with the truth will leave, and that’s a good thing. You need to polarize if you want to find fulfillment and happiness in life. And if you want to find the people who are right for you. So get clear on what you want, put that energy out. Don’t be half-assed. So these guys are putting out player energy and wondering why they’re not getting into relationships or why the relationships aren’t succeeding.
It’s because they’re putting out the wrong energy and they’re doing the wrong things. If you want to be in a relationship, you got to be present, you got to have reassurance, give her reassurance and attention. And you’ve got to do it from a place without fear. You’ve got to be open and vulnerable to maybe somebody leaving you. You’ve got to put that out there. You got to be true to yourself in that sense. Not pretending to be somebody else just to keep the girl, because you’re so full of fear that if you’re your true self, she’ll leave you. That sucks. That’s going to guarantee it.
So anyway, obviously what happened was her needs weren’t being met so she’s going to look for some other guy. But in the meantime, while she’s switching, mate switching, she’s going to have some fun, and that’s what she’s doing. Now, she’s like, “I’m in fun mode now. He’s shown that he’s not actually– he’s only behaving this way because I dumped him.” And then it kicked in, she’s like, “I can’t trust this guy. He’s just being nice now because I dumped him, and now he takes off to his dad.”
And just that little bit of abandonment will trigger that fear in her. “Oh man.” There’s that space, because he’s smothering her with attention now which is what she wanted. But now there’s that space, it gives her the time to think and reflect, and say, “Actually, I’ve seen this pattern before. This guy’s is not going to be here for me. I better have some fun.”
So he comes back from his dad, to visit his dad, he finds she’s at a party. There’s a party at her house, and she’s drunk, or she’s drinking, and she’s having a good time, and she looks awkward. And she’s cold to him, and isn’t acting like they’re in a relationship because she’s already made up her mind to move on, find something better, and in the meantime have some fun which all guys can understand that because that’s what you fucking do. So, the girls are going to have some fun too.
So, that’s the situation. The takeaway is, if you want to be in a relationship, put out relationship vibes. So, don’t be afraid. All of these tactics of game, of playing, of pick up and all that stuff, is driven out of fear: fear that you’re not good enough, fear that you’re not worthy, fear because you’re insecure. These are all coming out of core securities. If you drop the fucking fear, and you’re vulnerable, and you put out who you really are, even if you think it’s needy.
Just put it out there, because what it will do is to draw the people who will actually love you, who’ll actually be good for you at that moment. As long as you’re self-aware, and you can speak your truth. So Thomas, if you are hovering this doubt, “Maybe she’ll leave me if I text her too much.” Say that damn thing, man. Say this truth, whatever you’re thinking, you have to have self-awareness.
But you could start with — it’s better to speak the truth with less self-awareness than to not speak the truth with whatever self-awareness you have. So, speak that truth. And then what that will do is, if you want to be in a relationship, it will turn on the women who also want to be in a relationship, and then you won’t have to play games.
Because you knew that, like, you tell her. “I read somewhere that guys aren’t supposed to text a girl that often. What do you think? Because I would really like to do that. I would really like to find a relationship where I can do that. And if she’s like, “Yeah, don’t text you often, that’s bad. I would hate it if you texted me. And if you text me too much, and I’m going to be–” Then great, that girl’s not ready for a relationship, she’s not good for a relationship. Find a woman who thrives under reassurance and attention, and that’s all women who want to be in a relationship, who actually, truly are ready and want to be in a relationship, ready to commit.
They are going to be in their feminine energy and will respond to the reassurance and attention. But when a woman’s playing around, when she’s fucking around, that’s actually masculine energy. This is actually a short-term mating strategy.
So you might have seen this, like a girl on the outside all feminine, dancing, all sexy whatever. But then you start to realize, she’s taken a predatorial approach to men. She’s actually, when you hold her hand, she’s going to have — she’s going to actually — that’s actually a masculine energy.
The more she does that fucking around. The more masculine she’ll be. She’ll tell you to get off the chair. She’ll start ordering you around. She’ll be more aggressive. This is actually going to cause her feminine energy to wither and you can see this in like career sluts, girls who fuck around for years and years and years. They end up becoming quite hard, quite cynical, quite like — Even on the outside if they’re all sexy and stuff, with the boobs and the ass and all that stuff. But actually, as you get to talk to them, they’re actually quite masculine predatorial.
That’s the energy that you’ll end up attracting if you continue to operate out of fear, and play games. So stop playing games and to bring a woman into your life who’s ready and good for a relationship. Reassurance and attention through your presence is what you give her. I have a whole separate free video course on how to make a relationship passionate where I go into some more detail on this. And of course, I have a whole other deluxe course for dudes called Rock Solid Relationships. So I obviously recommend that.
The Rock Solid one’s like, over 35 hours of in-depth material including emotional and– like, emotional experience, emotional transformation, by speaking to your unconscious. So check it out. In the meantime, join the private Facebook group, see you inside the group!
Inside the group you can get access to the free video course on how to make a relationship passionate. And I’m going to enjoy the hot springs here. The sun is setting, as usual, whenever we shoot these. So I’ll see you inside the private Facebook group.