Man Up | Ep. 92 • March 28, 2016
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or over a decade, David Tian, Ph.D., has coached tens of thousands of people from over 87 countries to achieve happiness and success in their dating and love lives.
Once a nerdy, skinny professor of philosophical psychology who couldn’t hold a conversation to save his life, David is now director of Aura Transformation Corp., and a world renowned dating and life coach using therapeutic methods. Dr. Tian has been featured in international media, including AXN, Cosmopolitan, Psychology Today, as well as co-hosting a radio show on national radio and a weekly dating advice column in a national newspaper in Singapore. Formerly a professor at the National University of Singapore, Dr. Tian is actively researching, speaking, and publishing in the areas of philosophy and psychology.
The show, “Man Up: Masculinity for the Intelligent Man,” is David’s way of helping as many people as possible enjoy empowering and fulfilling lives, while contributing to the global understanding of masculinity in modern times. In the show, he takes your questions posed in The Man Up private Facebook group and answers based on his experience Coaching tens of thousands of students around the world for over a decade.
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How To Earn The Respect Of Other Men
Hey welcome to Episode 92. It’s David Tian, Ph.D. this is Man Up. We’re in the afternoon break of our Mastermind Summit here in Bangkok. We do these four times a year for Mastermind clients as well they have access to all of our coaching events and one-on-one coaching.
So the question is coming from Michael. He’s basically asking, how do I get those I look up to who intimidate me? How do I get those who I respect? How do I get them to think well of me and how do I impress them?
So basically the issue is like, there are other men he wants to impress but he feels insecure around them because he’s not as impressive as them and he feels that his personality changes as a result. So he’s not himself and he’s just awkward and it gets worse and worse, the more he thinks about it.
So I think at some point we’ve all been there. I remember my first time feeling this were as a graduate student, actually as an undergrad and once I realized in my mind that I set the goal for myself of becoming a professor myself that I started to look up to these big name professors and I started to do like I really wanted to impress them and all these and it took me a couple of years before I got some really great advice from some senior grad students, one in particular is I was in Chinese…my field that I chose, my area of specialty was Chinese Religious Philosophy but in the dorm I was living in at University of Toronto where I started my grad school, there was a good friend of mine I still hang out with. I just met him a couple of weeks ago in Japan and he was doing his Ph.D. in Japanese history.
He was an older grad student, anyway, he has some great advice and one of them was this, that I would pretend it like… because I asked him, “I didn’t really do the readings but I asked this question because I wanted to impress the professor and I didn’t want him to know I hadn’t done the readings, do you think you could tell?”:And my friend’s response was, “David look, you’re a senior undergrad and this is a 60-year-old professor. You’re like a little ant crawling around in his hand. He sees everything you’re doing even if you think you’re hiding, he sees it.
So don’t even pretend.” And once I’ve realized that that was probably true because it was like he’s a 60-something-year-old professor, when he started out people were doing Ph.D. in fours year, right now it’s eight but he got out fast which meant he’s been a professor pretty much like 35 years of his life; whereas, I am just starting as an undergrad.
So it make sense right. So I realized like authenticity, vulnerability, not pretending to know more than I do, becoming from a sincere place of wanting to learn more, thinking hard, and really applying myself earnestly, sincerely – all of those traits not like trying to impress them by what I knew but trying to impress them by how bad I want it and how bad I’m willing to work for it and how much I’m going to work for it. Those are the things. Those are the traits that impress teachers, mentors, coaches, people in positions of authority, people that are worthy of your respect.
So you can only show that not by the impressive end results but by the process. Everybody can do the process. Show the work that you’re doing. Show them the work. Show them the sincerity. One of those things that started happening to me in my undergrad was I started to develop dark circles into my eyes.
I went later and found out from a doctor it’s just thinner skin under the eyes. I was getting plenty of sleep but the professors thought I wasn’t getting sleep. They thought I was working around-the-clock and I started to notice like they would say things like, “David, you know I’m so glad you worked really hard. You deserve a rest.” I actually did back it up by working really hard and doing all nighters, so those then they became really dark circles but that’s where I got the respect.
One other thing to mention here not just the hard work, the sincerity, the vulnerability, authenticity but also what’s important to understand is the mentor needs the mentees just as much the mentees needs the mentors. The professor needs the students just as much as the student needs a professor.
The professor cannot exists without an outlet, without that student that he’s going to groom to takeover for himself or that he’s going to place in different places to further the research – that’s an important part. Allow the person who has reached that point, the teacher, the mentor, the coach, whoever is the authority you’re trying to appeal to or the alpha males so to speak. Allow them that outlet. They need to have that outlet.
They can’t actually grow in their attainment without that outlet. Understand this that the mentor needs the mentee as much as the mentee needs the mentor, it’s just that there’s a lot more candidates for the mentee than there are for the mentor. So you’ve got to put in the work, you got to show your sincerity, your perseverance, your persistence, your hard work, and to get them to see that an investment in you is worth your time. Same with alpha males, don’t pretend to be more than you are.
Don’t try to impress them. Don’t try to like dominate them or whatever – just be you and be open, vulnerable, authentic, that works anytime by the way but just to be open and not to hide when you feel insecure, not to hide when you feel inferior but just to put it out there. Not to be ashamed of your feelings but that they are what they are and that the only way you can grow and mature is by acknowledging that and taking ownership over that and then moving forward.
I hope that clarifies it and we got to get back to the Summit. Join the private Facebook group. Click the link, join the group. We approve on a daily basis and I will see you inside the group.