Man Up | Ep. 49 • December 14, 2015
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or over a decade, David Tian, Ph.D., has coached tens of thousands of people from over 87 countries to achieve happiness and success in their dating and love lives.
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Should A Guy Tell His Friend’s Husband She’s Having An Affair
In episode 49 of Man Up, I’m going to be talking about whether they guy should be telling his friend’s husband that she’s having an affair.
Masculinity for the Intelligent Man. I am David Tian, Ph.D., and this is: Man Up.
Hi, I’m David Tian, Ph.D. and welcome to Man Up, episode 49. Got a heavy one today and this from Peter and he’s asking: Should I tell my friend’s husband that she’s having an affair? So his friend is an old college friend, is a female college friend and she’s cheating on her husband. Peter’s asking whether he should tell that friend’s husband. He said that they were at a dinner party, he had to lie to her husband for her and he really didn’t like just the fact that he had to lie. And then the other thing is, he feels like he’s violating some kind of bro code by doing this. And he’s asking me: Should I just tell the friend? This affair has been going on for over a year.
He says, though, that his female friend that he’s known since college has told him that there’s no way that there’s anything that’s going to come out of this affair. She’s just having a really fun time with this guy every chance she gets. She says the guy she’s having an affair with is not relationship material and doesn’t ever want to settle down so she’s going to stay with her husband. But he also said that she said that, if she could she would choose the guy she’s been cheating with over her husband and would leave her husband to be with that guy.
It’s just that that guy doesn’t want to have a relationship. Peter then asked me: What should I do? Should I tell him, her husband? Should I do the bro code and tell him man-to-man. He says that he thinks, ethically, he owes more – more obligated to the friend because he’s known her longer.
What’s my answer? Well, if I were in your shoes, Peter, I would find some new friends – simple as that. Here’s the deal, Peter. You don’t know your own values for somebody – he says he’s like an ethicist. He’s this ethical thinker. He does Philosophy as an undergraduate and this is a dilemma. It’s not a dilemma, dude.
You just don’t know what you stand for and you hoity-toity intellectuals of – basically, people I grew up with – think you’re ethically better just because you did more theory. Actually, the studies show that the theory actually has no connection to actual ethical application. So, people who think a lot about ethics and theorize about it and philosophize about it actually aren’t any more ethical or moral than anyone else who hasn’t thought about it. That’s kind of sad but it’s the truth.
Here’s the deal. Your friend is a horrible human being – just kidding – she’s acting horribly. She’s acting unethically. She’s acting horribly. The fact that you’re allowing her, still, into your sphere of influence to influence you and, in fact, putting you through some emotional anguish, already is making your life worse. And it’s up to you.
Do you want to have a worse off life? Do you want to live a sub-par life that continues to seek out people like that and have them in your life? But if I were you, I would just stop seeing her. She asks me out for dinner, I don’t go. She asks me out for coffee, I politely decline. She’ll get the point. I don’t want her in my life anymore. Now, I’m not going to be mean. I’m not going to do anything to hurt anyone else other than just withdrawing myself and my presence and protecting my mind from that influence, that pernicious influence. I just won’t hang out with people like that.
Whether you should then – as you’re departing from her, this relationship with her, this female friend that you’re now decided that she doesn’t support your values and so you’re going to withdraw from that relationship – whether you should then tell her husband, that’s up to you. I would say don’t wade yourself into it. Because it’s like quicksand, the more involved you get with people like this, the worse your life becomes. You cannot fix it. It’s like quicksand, the more you move around and do stuff, the deeper you sink. Don’t get mired into that mud. That’s what I would say.
There are a lot of other things I could say about this in terms of values but I’m going to stop there. I’m trying to keep these videos shorter. So Peter, that’s what I would say to do. I would say not get involved with the husband and stay away from that friend. Get some new friends. Raise your standards. If you want to ask me questions and you want to interact with me, join the private Facebook group. Click the link here or here or here and join the private Facebook group. We approve join requests all the time. Until then, I will see you in the Facebook group and man up!