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For over a decade, David Tian, Ph.D., has coached tens of thousands of people from over 87 countries to achieve happiness and success in their dating and love lives.
Once a nerdy, skinny professor of philosophical psychology who couldn’t hold a conversation to save his life, David is now director of Aura Transformation Corp., and a world renowned dating and life coach using therapeutic methods. Dr. Tian has been featured in international media, including AXN, Cosmopolitan, Psychology Today, as well as co-hosting a radio show on national radio and a weekly dating advice column in a national newspaper in Singapore. Formerly a professor at the National University of Singapore, Dr. Tian is actively researching, speaking, and publishing in the areas of philosophy and psychology.
The show, “Man Up: Masculinity for the Intelligent Man,” is David’s way of helping as many people as possible enjoy empowering and fulfilling lives, while contributing to the global understanding of masculinity in modern times. In the show, he takes your questions posed in The Man Up private Facebook group and answers based on his experience Coaching tens of thousands of students around the world for over a decade.
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Should You Care About What Others Think Of You? The Real Truth
In this episode, I talk about whether you should care about how people view you.
Masculinity for the Intelligent Man. I am David Tian, Ph.D., and this is: Man Up.
Hey, welcome to episode 16. So this then closes week 4. Pretty amazing, first month! First month of Man Up, pretty cool. So the question comes from Glenn. It is a follow-up question from episode 5. Episode 5 was: Can I date multiple people without being a slut? The question is: What if I’m being viewed as a slut? This is to summarize that question. There’s a difference between being a slut versus being viewed as a slut.
This is very interesting.
A lot of people care too much, far too much, about how they’re being viewed as. This is a really, really big problem. This problem in itself creates thousands of other problems. When you give a damn about how you’re being viewed versus how you actually are, you’re basically compromising your character. One of the things about character and value is that – character is who you are when no one’s watching. It’s who you really are. In that sense of like, if you care about how other people view you versus how you really are then you’re not a person of integrity and you’re not authentic.
In my value system – these are just my personal values and the values in our mission in Aura – is to place authenticity and integrity at the very top. Authenticity is number one. This transparency of being honest and being genuine is far more important than how other people view you. So if you are a despicable, dirty human being but people view you as a paragon of virtue, who fucking cares? In other words, that’s not a good thing.
Now if you are a really good person but people view you as bad – like maybe you have a PR problem – you shouldn’t be concerned about that because what you should be most concerned about is who you really are. Because people who are really good, they’ll be able to tell who you are. The people who can’t appreciate your goodness – if you’re transparent, if you’re authentic, if you just say what you believe, if you’re communicating truthfully and honestly and they’re able to understand your language, there’s no actual miscommunication, factually, whatever and they still reject you – then they’re not supposed to be in your life.
So many guys who are not clear on their values, not clear about who they are, what they stand for, what they’re ideals are. They can’t live; they’re just being thrown about, wishy-washy. They have all of these psychological disconnects, psychological conflict. All of these problems emotionally, all this lack of understanding of female psychology, lack of understanding of women largely because they don’t have a clear set of values that they’re living authentically by.
That they’re living genuinely, that they’re transparent about or honest. I would just say, yeah, there’s a big difference between whether you are a slut versus being viewed as a slut. What you should really care about is whether you are in fact a slut. If you’re just being viewed as a slut but you’re not a slut, then it’s just like a PR problem. It’s all you’ve got. Just be honest, just be forthright, just be clear and if they continue to judge you as a slut that’s their problem. That’s their moral judgment.
Should you change your values and live a different way just so that other people – just because people view you in a certain way? That’s incredibly weak. That’s incredibly weak and it is not a masculine thing to do. So obviously you have to take into account how other people feel so you don’t hurt their feelings but if they’re just judging you – and often they’ll judge you because they don’t know the facts that’s why authenticity and the courage to make it authentic is important.
To make it clear, to make it vulnerable, to make it transparent, to make it obvious to them and clear what you stand for, what you’re about, how you choose to live your life, what your ideals are and all that. If it’s clear, the people that should be in your life they won’t judge you badly. But if it’s clear but they still judge you negatively then they’re not good for you. Those are people that should not be in your life.
If you want to accomplish your mission in life, if you want to accomplish your purposes, if you have questions about I don’t know what my values are, I don’t know what my purpose is in life, I don’t know what meaning I have in life, then you need to join our events. You need to come to our programs in Aura. We have step-by-step training programs that lead you through mental exercises as well as social exercises that lead you through how to figure out your values, your purpose, find deeper meaning in life. As odd as that sounds, that’s mostly what we do now. We have programs like Limitless that take you through that. We have one called Invincible that does that for you as well. What’s good about Invincible is that it takes you through getting your values and your purpose and your meaning just while you sit in your chair, like this literally arm chair. From your armchair, you can become transformed. You can transform into your ideal man. It’s pretty powerful; we’ve been testing that for years. So if you need help with that, we’re here, we can help you out with that.
If you have more questions about it go to the Facebook group. Join our Facebook group. Join the Man Up movement. Interact with me there, you can ask your questions there. You can vote up questions you want answered. I will see you in the next episode and in the Facebook group – until next time, man up.