Man Up | Ep. 232 • June 6, 2018
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or over a decade, David Tian, Ph.D., has coached tens of thousands of people from over 87 countries to achieve happiness and success in their dating and love lives.
Once a nerdy, skinny professor of philosophical psychology who couldn’t hold a conversation to save his life, David is now director of Aura Transformation Corp., and a world renowned dating and life coach using therapeutic methods. Dr. Tian has been featured in international media, including AXN, Cosmopolitan, Psychology Today, as well as co-hosting a radio show on national radio and a weekly dating advice column in a national newspaper in Singapore. Formerly a professor at the National University of Singapore, Dr. Tian is actively researching, speaking, and publishing in the areas of philosophy and psychology.
The show, “Man Up: Masculinity for the Intelligent Man,” is David’s way of helping as many people as possible enjoy empowering and fulfilling lives, while contributing to the global understanding of masculinity in modern times. In the show, he takes your questions posed in The Man Up private Facebook group and answers based on his experience Coaching tens of thousands of students around the world for over a decade.
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Is Too Much Masculinity Toxic?
David Tian Ph.D.: Boom, stop. I’m David Tian, and in this episode of Man Up, I answer the question: Is too much masculinity toxic? Welcome to the Man Up show.
Masculinity for the Intelligent Man. I’m David Tian, Ph.D., and this is Man Up!
Hey, I’m David Tian, and for the past 11 years, I’ve been helping hundreds of thousands of people in over 87 countries attain success, happiness, and fulfillment in life and love, and welcome to the Man Up show. I’m in a beautiful location here in Japan, rural Japan, at a gorgeous ryokan onsen in the mountains. So we’re moving to another ryokan in the mountains. But before we do so, got a question here from Armin.
And this is actually one of our private Facebook groups, but it pertains to a lot of the questions I’ve been seeing in the Man Up group, so let’s get into it. And I’m going to read quite a bit of his question, because I think just getting the question clear is quite instructive.
So, Armin’s question here is, he’s got a question concerning the dark side drill and masculine energy. So the dark side drill is a drill that I created and is included in the Invincible course and in the Masculine Mastery, Rock Solid Relationships course.
It’s an amazing thing. In fact we’re creating a separate version of it, a new version, that is also accessible to women, for men and women. So, the dark side drill is basically a drill that helps you access your dark side, and harness it, and get it under control.
This is a very narrow road and big cars are going by because it is right around that time when people are checking out of the property, and so, that’s the big noise you hear going by. Anyway, so his question, “I have done a lot of exercises in the past to get into my inner warrior, or into the masculine, more primal part of me which always created good results for me. This has always had a very positive impact on me in my daily life with no negative side effects.”
I will be editing as I go along because English is not his best language. “I will be more masculine and still keep a high level of empathy/connection/feminine energies in general. However, there are also times when I did a daily round of dark side drill.” And by the way, he tried to do it daily. I recommend no more than once a week, because it’s an incredibly powerful drill, and you’ll see why. Actually I recommended it at most, once a week.
And in fact, if you just do it once in your life, or a few times in your life, you already have a lot of benefits, and big jump in your– a big spike in your masculinity. But he’s tried to do it daily. So one side effect if you do it daily, one potential side effect.
So he says, “I always had the impression that this creates a little bit more intense results doing it more often. I see it in myself that I will go through my day in a more aggressive way.” And aggressive isn’t good, assertive is good, aggressive is not good. Aggressive is where you’re attacking, you’re intruding. So, asserting is where you’re defending, and you’re drawing your boundaries. “Okay so, I know that this is a good state for achieving and getting things done. However… So, a good state for achieving and getting things done is the masculinity.”
You can hear them processing through this pipes, all of that hot spring water piped into the tubs up there, it’s pretty amazing. Anyway, I hope it’s not too noisy. “So, it’s good for achieving and getting things done. However, a negative side effect of this is that I have a harder time to relax or calm down again. And this goes even deeper.”
He says. “On the one hand, I will go through my day in a more masculine achieving energy, but I will also have a harder time to connect with people and myself in general. I will feel more exhausted and easier to be irritable, and I will lose empathy to other people if I do dark side drill every day. I will be more impatient and I feel that I would take more emotional people less seriously, like girls, which results often in connection problems with these people. I assume that this is also a result of my descending empathy when doing dark side drill every day. To me, this is a serious problem.”
So this is the question here. “To me, this is a serious problem, because this issue will actually make it harder for me to relate to my partner and my relationship with women in general.” And he’s just asking for insights. So, there are two answers to this, first is the shorter one. So the shorter one is, obviously, dude, I said no more than once a week.
You’re doing it every day. So what did you expect, now you’re a freaking Hulk. Right so, the Hulk is actually a good example of the masculine energy taken too far. This is where your out of control rage and — if your testosterone level are too high for you to manage, not only will you not be able to control yourself emotionally and psychologically, but also physiologically, you’re going to break out in pimples, and you’ll have other nasty physical side effects. It’s sort of the same effect.
But even without steroids or expensive and very inconvenient testosterone replacement, you could do it through your mind, which is an amazing thing. Your brain tells the rest of your body, you need all this extra testosterone and it just starts pumping it into your bodies. It’s pretty amazing, the dark side drill, which I invented, which is amazing, has this effect.
So Armin, you’re experiencing it. I said no more than once a week. The doctor said once a week at maximum and you’re overdosing. So, you’re overdosing, obviously it’s not going to be as easy for you to empathize, and be vulnerable, and get into your feminine side.
So the longer answer is, I’ve done a whole other podcast on this. It’s not in the Man Up podcast, it’s in a more reflective, more philosophical podcast, which is the DTPHD Podcast. So D-T-P-H-D Podcast, I did this one with our guest, Henry Chong. And it was on masculine-feminine energies. Okay, so go look that up, I’ll try to make sure we get that linked in the text, in the show notes to this video. So the DTPHD Podcast on masculine-feminine energy. One of the many points we make is that a mature human being is a mixture, a harmonious balance, of feminine and masculine energies.
So, is it possible to be too masculine? Yes, obviously. If you’re like 99% masculine, you’re going to be toxically masculine. This is masculinity without any balancing. It’s the same with the feminine. If you have 99% percent feminine energy, this is going to be toxically feminine. This is just, it’s just toxic. You need to balance the system. And most people, because of their biology, because of the hormones that are already pumped into their bodies naturally, have a home energy. So you’re often more in your core masculine or feminine, and that’s often determined by your biological sex.
So, a very masculine man, but who’s also mature, might be 80-20, 80% masculine energy, that 20% of feminine energy allows him to play with his three-year-old daughter when she comes running up to him with her My Little Pony dolls. It allows him to be playful, and to be more emphatic, and more compassionate and all that. Same with the woman; that 80-20, 80% feminine, 20% masculine, that 20% masculine helps her to get shit done, helps her to be more assertive, helps her to have that killer instinct and go and get shit done.
So, all of that helps. It’s pretty tight, this guy’s going to have to do a three point turn. I think this is for them to come out on to a little bit, I’m standing on a little divot on this road. I just realized what it’s for, sorry. Anyway so, I’m standing in there. So it’s a balance, so is it possible to be too much of one? Yes. And is it good to be too much of one? Obviously not, because it’s too much. So 80-20 is like probably the maximum that you want to have. Like 80% of any one energy. 70-30 is good.
There are a lot of seducers in history who it seems had something like a 60-40 split, dandies are a good example, the dandy archetype of — Like for the man, it’s the man who looks like he might be like borderline gay in his fashion, for instance, and in his movements, and has a lot of connection with women. So, some modern day dandies would be Russell Brand and his flare, Prince, bless his soul, and other people like this. There’s a great exposition of dandies in Robert Greene’s book, the art of seduction. So you can look that up and you can trace some examples from there based on the primary sources he cites.
I believe in Asian literature, The Tale of Genji, The Pillow Book those were all depictions of dandies as well as in the Chinese tradition, the Dream of the Red Chamber. We’re in Japan, so they have actually a long history of dandies being seductive.
And that’s a 60-40, even maybe a 55-45 split in masculine/feminine energies. So there you go. That’s the longer answer. If you want to get in to more detail about this, I’ve done a whole separate podcast on it. Go look that up, hopefully we can link it up for you on masculine feminine polarities in the DTPHD Podcast.
Alright, thanks a lot, Armin for the question, got to get running now, until next time. Join the private Facebook group, click the link, join the group, we’ve got like 23,000 guys in there. And in fact, the comments and answers to the questions that are posted are already quite good. So much so that I haven’t had felt the need to post a video for so long because a lot of the questions get handled right there in the comments. And notice that this one is actually not even in the Man Up group. So, the Man Up group is a great resource to get your answers. So join the group, and interact with the community there. I’ll see you inside the group.
Until then, David Tian, signing out. Man Up!