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For over a decade, David Tian, Ph.D. — a uniquely qualified therapist, life coach, and former university professor — has coached tens of thousands of people from over 87 countries to achieve happiness and success in their relationships, dating, psychology, and lifestyle.
Dr. Tian has been featured in international media, as well as co-hosting a radio show on national radio and a weekly dating advice column in a national newspaper in Singapore.
The show, “Man Up: Masculinity for the Intelligent Man” (https://www.davidtianphd.com/blog/), is David’s way of helping as many people as possible enjoy empowering and fulfilling lives, while contributing to the global understanding of masculinity in modern times. In the show, he takes your questions posed in the Man Up private Facebook group (https://www.facebook.com/groups/manupcommunity/) and answers based on his experience coaching tens of thousands of students around the world for over a decade.
Connect with David Tian here:
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Girl Obsessed With Social Media
It’s not social media, David Tian Ph.D. deliberates on the reason why she is not interacting with you.
David Tian Ph.D. tells us to respect social media platforms and how they can be useful.
In this Man Up episode, David Tian Ph.D. asks men to learn why she’s on those social media platforms to understand why she’s choosing that over you.
David Tian: Boom! Stop. In episode 75, I answer the question of, how to handle a girl who’s always on social media?
Masculinity for the Intelligent Man. I am David Tian, Ph.D., and this is: Man Up!
Hey, this is David Tian, Ph.D. and this is episode 75 of Man Up! I’m in Singapore. It is a little bit rainy, I’ll just show you the view, it’s kind of nice. Singapore is actually a very green city, especially for Asia. Beautiful air out here most of the time when Indonesia is not burning their forest. Anyway, so I’ll show you a bit of the view there. It’s a nice view.
Okay cool, so we got a question from the private Facebook group… actually this one was a private message. I usually don’t answer private messages but this one is pretty good. So I’m going to answer this. And it comes from Mark.
He says, “How do I compete with the attention of good looking girls receiving on social media? Just to go into more detail, between Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat and God only knows what else, girls are more and more on their phones posting pics and videos rather than participating in real life interactions. You take a girl out for dinner, she takes pictures of her food then watches her phone to see how many people liked it. Take them to an event, and then they have to check in then respond to everyone’s comments saying they are jealous. Thanks for your time, Mark.”
Okay, so I totally know where you’re coming from. Pretty much all of my friends, my female friends are really heavy users of these different social media platforms. To be honest, even my clientele, the guys on our online programs who are 25 years and under, I would say even in America – 30 and under – hardly ever use this thing anymore.
They don’t really use the MacBook. A lot of girls I know who are under 25, except for work, they don’t usually open their own personal MacBooks or computers. They’re always on their phones. This is just the future of the universe. The internet as you know it will no longer be consumed mostly through this. It will mostly perceived through wearables, the phone, in so far as we carry it around everywhere.
But soon, Google Glasses trying to make a foray in, dude but it will be everything. I got an Apple watch usually. Oh, I just don’t have any of my accessories on. I usually have an Apple watch on. Soon we’re going to have like smart pants, smart shirts, we’re going to have the Oculus Rift to consume information and experience reality in many ways this is good and bad. Get with the program, in a way, this is good. This is good. I’ve seen, I know exactly where you’re coming from, Mark.
Let’s see Mark’s age here. I’m guessing based on his email address. Let’s see, just make sure my math is correct that he’s 30 years old. So based on your email address, looks like you’re on 30. And that means you are not in touch with young people. Probably. I mean, I’m 39 and I’m just getting on Snapchat. In fact, what I wanted to do was to, I’m really bullish on it… hold on… really bullish on Snap.
I’ve had an account for a… years actually. But I just never figured it out and I was mostly on Instagram in the past couple of years, though you know, everyone’s on Facebook. Once your grandma goes on Facebook, you know then that’s the time when all the cool kids get off Facebook. So they’ve been on this platform. So add me here, I don’t think you can really see it. It’s @davidtianaura. Add me @davidtianaura. Snapchat! Okay so add me there.
What I really love about it, just go check out what Gary Vaynerchuk says about Snapchat. He got me convinced around the turn of the new year to get on and use it. I’ve been experimenting with it. I’ve had tutorials from my 20 year old female friends. They’re showing me how to use it and still I just, literally this is how funny it is.
Just last week I realized there are all these text messages being sent to me and I didn’t know you can actually send text messages through it. But I just swiped this way… right… and you can read it and you can reply to it. So I kept thinking how do I reply to this. I’d have to send a photo and write on it… but then anyway, that’s how behind I am and I feel like a lot of guys are not with the program.
So here’s the deal… you can do PUA tactics to momentarily change the situation because back in the old days, it was just text messaging. And if a girl wasn’t into you, she’d be on her phone and all you’d hear would be bing, bing, bing and it wouldn’t be different social media platforms. It would just be text messages from her friends. If she is not interested in the conversations with you, she’s not interested in you enough then the phone will overtake her attention.
This isn’t any different just because now we have new platforms. The attention deficit was always there when she’s not interested in you.
Now there are old PUA ways of dealing with this, especially if she is used to being ADD in that sense with her friends… let’s just make it clear, it’s not a social media platform problem, it’s an ADD problem. So if she’s not used to focusing on a conversation, you’ll notice a lot of girls nowadays, if they’re under 25 and I would say definitely under 21, have a hard time sitting still through a one and a half – two hour – movie unless it’s a really gripping movie.
You’ll see a lot of these girls are so used to checking in that’s it’s hard to pay attention to that one thing for that whole period of time in the dark. This is something a bit new. The lack of training around focus, I think. So if she’s that case, if she’s one of those people who’s just used to being this way… because around her friends, their all on this and it’s not a problem. That’s why started off by saying get with the program because it’s not necessarily a sign of disrespect.
She’s just used to living in the realm of social media and that’s not a bad thing because get this right, when she’s interacting with people, she’s interacting with real people. So it’s like… it’s not like she’s interacting with a passive object… she’s interacting with somebody on the other side of this. So she’s chosen to interact with those girls, her friends, or some other guy rather than talking to you because you’re not fucking interesting enough.
That’s the fucking truth. That’s the truth.
So taking this device away from her won’t make her more interested in you, per se. However, she might be trained to… what’s the word… conditioned to be pinging on this device and sometimes you just need to have that pattern interrupted.
And you can just tell her “hey look, for ‘whatever period of time – for the next half hour’, let’s try to like not actually look at this, alright? Let’s turn the phone over, put it on mute, just turn it over, and I dare you not to look at it. If you lose this dare, the dinner’s on you.” Just make it fun. And make it realize that young people, cool people, are on this all the time. I don’t mean the phone, I mean social media. Because that’s the way of the future in terms of how information will be consumed. In a way, we’ve always been on social media.
We’ve always been interested more on referrals, we’re social creatures, we are always trying to connect socially. It’s just that instead of face to face or on the phone, you know on the old days when you had to dial like this on a rotary phone, instead of that, we have much more advanced devices that’s all. And then there are different platforms so there are different ways of sharing information.
I personally when you’re out with me, I’ll do like an Instagram photo once a day, and I try to limit it to once or twice a day. On Facebook, I try limit it, except I like sharing information that I find useful to other people. But in Snap it’s great, and I’m just learning it again and I’m pretty excited about it, it’s fun because I know I don’t need to be a perfectionist about it.
So I can share interesting things about my day. So I take photos of my food because I think it’s cool. And I want to share the joy with other people. I also like to keep a photo journal which is not good with Snapchat but with Instagram, it is. And I can look back, what was I doing last year for Christmas, or last year which is something I just looked up. So those are all good things. It’s not anything that girls do. I think you should do it. You should get with the program. Get with the world.
But like I said, sometimes it’s like an addiction because she’s used to the dopamine hit of ping, ping, ping! Somebody likes me, somebody’s giving me attention. So just tell her, she’s looking at her phone, put your hand over her hand just to pause, stop her, pattern interrupt, touch the hand, touch her hand and say, “Hey look, for the next half hour, let’s see if you can do this”. And if she doesn’t like you, she’ll get angry about that, she’ll be offended by it, that’s a really important sign.
Now, all of this to say, so I said earlier, maybe as a 30-year old, you’re just not cool enough, you got to get on these platforms to be cool. However, if you don’t want to do it, because of something like principled stance on “I’m anti-technology” or something, then find girls who are anti-technology too. So it’s just like if you’re a hippie, you can go find a hippie chick. Just find somebody whose values are like yours.
However, if she’s like most Americans, or most people around the world, she’s going to be hooked into this especially if she’s young, under 25, she’ll be hooked in especially on Snapchat. So either you get on there and understand and how to use it and enjoy it just like she is and you can share in that experience, because it’s pretty easy to do a wefie, you know, and bring her into it or she can bring you into it and you can just get in there, it’s cool. It’s actually a way of sharing with her friends. So there’s that.
And then I said sometimes they are conditioned or sometimes weird conditioned by these sounds and vibrations to look to this phone so much so that we have a hard time, especially the youngsters who are raised on this since they were like 10 years old, have a hard time sitting through a two-hour movie.
So you have to make allowances the way the generations change. Either you get cool and you share with it, share in it or you try to do a pattern interrupt and you tell her, “Look, for the next half hour let’s see if we can both stop paying attention to this and pay attention to each other, right?”.
If she takes offense of that, and I don’t think many of them will but sometimes they do, then this is what I would do, “my values are such that, if you are seeking external validation, woman, if the girl is seeking external validation validation and approval and that’s how she gets her feeling of significance, then that’s not somebody I want to spend any time with. Let alone get into a relationship with her.
In the old days, maybe I would have gotten into a sexual relationship with her, you know, maybe because she’s hot. But now I have standards, and I recommend that you get standards too.
Don’t spend major time with minor people, because they will actually bring you down. Just don’t. If that’s your principal values, then stick with your guns and say… end the day early and say, “Hey, I got to run. It was nice eating with you. Take care!” And then that’s it you’re done. You know, just politely exit. You don’t have to make a scene or anything.
If she says no to the “Hey let’s put this aside for half hour”, if she says no to that, and that bothers you, then end the dinner as soon as you can. Just get out, what’s the problem? Don’t bother trying to convert people, don’t bother trying to convert prospects who are not real, qualified leads. Okay, I’m using sales language. It’s much better use of your time to go source for new prospects because there are 7 billion people in the world.
There’s no reason to ever get focused on anyone… especially…there might be when you have investment into that relationship, and hey Asian guys, this means that you need to be 3 months into a relationship with her for that to be the case. At least a month. And I’ve had at least knowing that there’s physical intimacy. So a lot of guys I’ve noticed in Asia say they’re in a relationship and all that means is that they’ve had some lunch meetings with the girl sometimes.
Okay, so that’s clear.
For the first date, there’s no reason to invest, get the heck out of there. You’ve learned a lot about her. If she is on those platforms, not to connect with people but to get significance from them. So if she’s commenting on other people’s stuff and they’re having back and forth conversation, having private snapping conversations or she’s on with Snap privately with somebody, then that’s actually healthy and normal, and if she’s choosing that over you, it’s because you’re not interesting enough, she’s not attracted to you enough, so you got to make a choice if you want to keep going with a girl who’s not attracted to you, OR you might want to re-assess who you are and whether you’re boring as fuck and maybe that’s why she’s so into this.
Because if something was really right in front of her, something blew up like this machine gun going everywhere, she’s not going to be checking Instagram. She’s going to be like “what the fuck!”. And she’s going to be like “wow, look at that”. And then probably she’ll take it on Instagram and take some photos. If you were interesting enough, she’d be wefie-ing with you.
On one hand, maybe, you’re not interesting enough, on the other hand maybe she’s just not right for you because your set of values is to poo poo Facebook, Instagram and Snapchat. You don’t respect those platforms and I feel sorry for you because you’re going to become a dinosaur. Get with the program I would say. A great guy to learn from on social media is Gary Vaynerchuk. I’m giving another shout out to him, just google Vaynerchuk. V-A-Y-N-E-R-C-H-U-K. Big inspiration especially since he started doing his DailyVees.
Okay, cool! Trying to keep it to… Oh my God! Thirteen minutes! Alright, I got to run. It was a pleasure talking to you.
Until next time, man up!