Man Up | Ep. 82 • March 02, 2016
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or over a decade, David Tian, Ph.D., has coached tens of thousands of people from over 87 countries to achieve happiness and success in their dating and love lives.
Once a nerdy, skinny professor of philosophical psychology who couldn’t hold a conversation to save his life, David is now director of Aura Transformation Corp., and a world renowned dating and life coach using therapeutic methods. Dr. Tian has been featured in international media, including AXN, Cosmopolitan, Psychology Today, as well as co-hosting a radio show on national radio and a weekly dating advice column in a national newspaper in Singapore. Formerly a professor at the National University of Singapore, Dr. Tian is actively researching, speaking, and publishing in the areas of philosophy and psychology.
The show, “Man Up: Masculinity for the Intelligent Man,” is David’s way of helping as many people as possible enjoy empowering and fulfilling lives, while contributing to the global understanding of masculinity in modern times. In the show, he takes your questions posed in The Man Up private Facebook group and answers based on his experience Coaching tens of thousands of students around the world for over a decade.
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In episode 82 of man up, I answer the question of: How do you handle loud night clubs?
[Intro Music] Masculinity for the Intelligent Man. I am David Tian, Ph.D., and this is: Man Up!
[Music Fades] Hey, it’s David Tian, Ph.D. and this is episode 82 of Man Up! I’m in Singapore, still recovering from my flu. That explains the raspy voice. Also recovering from a tough work out today.
Well, I’m still sweating from that and it was like, how long ago, it was like 7 hours ago since that workout. So that was a good workout.
Flirting Tips For Guys and Starting a Conversation
Anyway, question from the Facebook group, from David, and it’s a two parter. I answered the first part in this video. The first part is, “I have a question. Recently I’ve been out at Altitude”. If people don’t know that’s a rooftop bar, “for a VIP drinking session”, I’m not sure what a VIP drinking session means, “and I was inundated by girls’ compliments of new found friends.”. I’m not sure what that means.
“I was inundated by girls’ compliments of new found friends.”, okay, “I couldn’t handle the noise level and couldn’t build any comfort or attraction. How do you talk in a place like this? It’s so bad that I couldn’t even get their names right”.
“Was inundated by girls’ compliments of new found friends”, I’m just going to pretend this means that he met a lot of girls. Okay, “and I was inundated by girls’ compliments of new found friends”, alright, so the question is how do you handle the noise level in a club, how do you talk in a place like that?
He can’t even get their names right. Okay, now, the fact that he used the words “I couldn’t build any comfort or attraction” tells me he hasn’t been actually going through my material. That’s really sad when I read this.
Comfort or attraction… you know you’d be only using those terms like that if you’re reading an old mystery method book from the year 2006 or something. Whatever. If he couldn’t build any comfort or attraction, then how could you be inundated by girls’ compliments of new found friends.
I’m not sure what that means but, okay, so please fix up your English though I can at least understand what you’re saying. But I’m going to appreciate your question and I’m just going to say, I’m going to assume, the question means how do you talk in loud night clubs. Guy’s pretty normal. I get that a lot, I think I might have answered that previously but I will just answer this directly in terms of this question here from David.
Altitude bar! Guys, go ahead and google it. It is a rooftop bar… it is not actually that loud. So David you have no idea how loud clubs can get if you think altitude is loud. It’s an outdoor club. There’s only so much… soundwaves dissipate up. And there is like a sunken area where it can get quite kind of loud. But you really don’t know how loud a club can be yet if you’re using altitude as your basis of comparison.
How do you talk in a place like this?
So ok, the first part of the question is how do you handle the noise level. Just like you handle anything else, you go to get used to it. It’s funny because I was talking about this with some other Singaporean guys. I see, I sense a lot of laziness in Singapore, like Singaporean guys who are trying to figure out trying to be better with women.
And I am in fact, getting so much laziness coming out of that, that it’s actually help me understand the worldwide phenomenon of post PUA demographic, which is great because we’re all post PUA now. In case you hadn’t noticed, there are still some hobbyist who insist on clinging to doing a thousand approaches or more and power to them. I think in the long run is going to be an unhealthy practice.
But you got to get it out of your systems. If you got to get it out of your system, you got to get it out of your system. But a lot of guys don’t want to put work into it. They think it will be easy-fast and I think this is a symptom of bad… of imbibing bad marketing.
I think if you can get the same results from having done a thousand… from doing a hundred approaches, as doing a thousand, I think that’s a very significant in my old programs and I was able to say “look I can reduce your time by 90 percent to get you the result, that in itself is an incredible accomplishment.
But some guys now don’t even want to do 2 approaches. Like they’d get an opener, I would say do it 20 times, because that’s… you know, there are newbie, practice five years ago in the total transformation program was the first month do 20 approaches. Very manageable, just do one a day for five days a week for four weeks. Five times four is twenty, you do one a day, you get twenty!
That’s like the bare minimum. And then like I said if you’re really motivating, you want to get results faster, do a hundred. Do five a day. I do when I was getting better, I would do ten a day or night. Obviously the more you do it, the better you’ll get at.
But again, my standards in life are a lot higher than these guys. And my standards for getting better with women for my mentors and guys that I knew who are going that journey with me back in like 2005 and 2006, ’07, 08 were the same. They were all working real hard.
Where To Meet Friends and Things to Start a Conversation
You know we’d go out and we would… I mean it would never occurred to me that it would be easy. It never occurred to me that personality change and transformation would be easy. And make no mistake, I knew that the problem was that my personality was not attractive.
I know all these guys going around thinking they can just say a few words to a girl like… and by the way I’ve actually paired it down to that based on science, and there it is, a few words. But it’s not going to get you all the way.
You say a few words, but if you don’t have the personality to back it up, it’s basically, you’re faking your way through. And no one wants to do that. I knew the problem was that I wasn’t easy going, I wasn’t adventurous enough, I wasn’t assertive enough, I wasn’t enough of a leader, I wasn’t initiative taking enough, I wasn’t sexy enough, I had too many hang-ups over sex, I just had too many insecurities.
And so I had to get over all of these things and I’d be funny, I’d be witty and I went in and worked at it. Like anything else in life you want to be good at basketball, you got to put in the time. You got to take your shots, you got to practice, you got to hit the court, you got to take your shots, you got to do it thousands of times.
You want to get good at coding, you got to sit there and you got to fucking code for hours and hours a day. You want to get good at math, you got to do the math. You can’t just read the book. Now you all understand that, you can’t master math, you can’t get A’s in math unless you do the problem sets.
You can’t just read it. Well, maybe there’s one percent of people who it comes naturally to but even then, when they get to the Ph.D. level, they need to work. Anything in life you want, you got to fucking work at it. See how frustrating. This is the reason why I prefer to do it like this because sometimes when I see a guy who’s just as lazy as fuck, I just get frustrated because he wants it easy and fast.
And I tell him, it takes work. But if he’s not prepared to put the work in, then I’m not prepared to work with him. Simple as that. You want the teacher to respect you? Then fucking work hard.
Alright, so go to the club. I didn’t go clubbing, I haven’t stepped foot in a club until I was thirty years old. Let that sink in for you. I had not yet stepped foot in a club, with the exception of my bachelor party when I was 24 or 25 but we pre-drinked so much at Peel Pub that beer I barely remember the club.
I got pretty wasted that night. I don’t remember it. The first time I consciously, soberly stepped in to a club was thirty years old. And was it natural to me? Heck no! Did I expect to walk in just like walking into my living room? I did not expect that. How could it be that easy? It’s not! I worked at it. It was fucking loud. It’s like when you’re in the military, and if you’re in Singapore, David, you should know.
You’ve got to think clearly, even when there are bombs going off, grenades going off, people shooting at you and that’s called training. Right? So you desensitize yourself to it. So overtime, your brain learns to filter the sound that are not relevant to what you want to do. Right? And you can focus. It’s the same with everything. Scuba diving, driving, everything. Your brain learns to focus on the thing you want to focus on. Just the conversation at hand.
Now, if your ears are not working, you have to desensitize yourself to that environment. Alright, so just go more often. Turn the music up louder. Now I get lucky because I went to perform in our performing arts high school like I pointed out in the previous video. I was in bands, like very loud bands.
Basically we were jazz bands, so I was sitting behind the drummer and the drummer’s fucking loud, right? There’s like you can’t muffle that. And in fact, they would amplify it. You got the base, you got the trumpets, you got five trumpets, five trombones, you got four other saxophones playing with you and everyone’s just jamming at it and no earplugs and I got used to it. Just got used to it.
Now I was able to hear, after a while, I was able to hear the four trumpets, what they were playing, I was able to hear above the cacophony of the noise, the main line, the main melody when I stood up to do my solo, I could hear the harmony from the base while listening simultaneously to the drummer was laying down and simultaneously to the whole harmonies that the piano was playing out so I could keep track of where I was, and that is all happening in the brain.
So the ears are used as devices to get input into the brain, then the brain then sifts out irrelevant input and takes in the relevant input and that’s how you learn.
Places to Meet Friends
Okay, so if it’s important for you to go meet women in a bars and clubs and I’m not saying you need to. Let’s make that clear. If you just don’t like it, if it’s not worth it to you then don’t go. If it’s not worth it to you to meet women in bars and clubs, you don’t like the women that are there – if it’s not worth it to you – then don’t go.
Go meet women in the salsa class, in the improve comedy class, in the acting class, in the Starbucks, on the streets, whatever. No one said that you had to go to the bars and clubs. But if you want to meet women in bars and clubs, then you have to fucking work at it.
Fucking lazy man, I can’t fucking take this anymore.
So go work at it, alright? That means you got to get used to the sounds so go, go, go! Might take 20 exposures before your brain gets used to filtering out the bad, filtering out the irrelevant info and hearing and analyzing the relevant info from the girl. So your ears will get more attuned to it. Good!
Now, secondly, you can’t get their names right because you can’t hear their names. Well that’s a long lines of listening. Probably if you can’t hear, they can’t hear you. So your projection probably sucks. Again, I got really lucky that my family is quite musical and my extended family is musical. Almost all my friends are musical.
Okay, so I didn’t think it was unusual but now I realize it is unusual. I’m very blessed by that. I have to give all praise to my parents, our community for making all those Asian-American and Asian-Canadian kids take piano and violin lessons when they were kids. Alright so one of those things is vocal.
So I had to join the church choir from a young age as part of the requirements for the performing arts high school I was in. Even though I was a saxophone player, I had to join one of the choirs. So that was a requirement. I learned to sing, I learned to project my voice, I learned to do that through music. You can also do that to music and I highly recommend that. However, you can also do that, I think, through toastmasters.
You can also join a method acting or an acting class and I recommend a method acting. They will help you with the projection and your articulation. I think every, especially every Singaporean, needs help with articulation. And I think every person could use help with projection unless you had musical training or an artistic or a drama in your background, you could do with some projection.
Also being able to modulate the tone of your voice to make it lower, make it higher. You know being able to do that even with a raspy flu voice, those are all I think – I don’t think, I know – are good skills to have.
And then again, going back to the earlier episode about overthinking things, one of the reasons why you overthink things, is you haven’t done enough with your life. Pack it in. You have as much time as Elon Musk. You’re going to hear me say that over and over and over.
That’s something I say to myself whenever I come up with excuses like I don’t have time to write whatever or do this or that. Or meet so and so and coach so and so. I have as much time as Elon Musk and look what he’s done. I have as much time as Mark Zuckerberg and look what he’s done. From the time I started getting better with women until now, Mark Zuckerberg basically created Facebook until now.
He started Facebook I think a year after, or maybe a year before, sorry… a year before I started studying social psychology. So there you go! I’m just as guilty as any of you I haven’t done enough. I don’t aspire to be a billionaire but… I mean look at what they can do with their time.
So yeah, I have no excuse. Pack it in. Take music lessons, take vocal lessons, go take method acting classes, take improv acting classes, join a fucking band for all I care. Do all of those things, you have the time to do it.
If you really enjoy the bars and clubs and you want to meet women there, then go to bars and clubs. Set aside, three times a week to go and acclimate to those environment. Acclimate yourself to those environment if that is you want to meet women there. It’s up to you whether you want to do that.
But it will take work. Like anything else in life worth getting, it takes work. Just work smart so that you get your goal at the end of that time. A lot of people don’t work smart. They don’t work hard and they don’t work smart. They do neither. But a travesty is to work hard and they knock at the goal because you didn’t follow the right instructions and that’s why I offer coaching.
I don’t promise it to be easy, I promise it, if you follow the program, you’ll get the results. And then when you get to the end of that program, you get the result. The result is that it becomes natural, becomes assimilated into your brain and into your body, into your nervous system so that you just do whatever you want, say whatever you want and will draw the right women into your life.
So that’s a promise, and I’ve been delivering on that promise for 10 years. Take me up on it. Alright? So I can guide you along those lines. But no matter what, it’s going to take work, it’s going to require you – just like anything else in life – you have to practice. Like everything else in life.
Alright, so join the private Facebook group click on the link, join the group. I’ll see you inside the group. Ask me your questions personally. Sometimes I’ll answer them right away right there in the comments of your question. So I’ll see you inside the private Facebook group, until next time, man up!