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For over a decade, David Tian, Ph.D. — a uniquely qualified therapist, life coach, and former university professor — has coached tens of thousands of people from over 87 countries to achieve happiness and success in their relationships, dating, psychology, and lifestyle.
Dr. Tian has been featured in international media, as well as co-hosting a radio show on national radio and a weekly dating advice column in a national newspaper in Singapore.
The show, “Man Up: Masculinity for the Intelligent Man” (https://www.davidtianphd.com/blog/), is David’s way of helping as many people as possible enjoy empowering and fulfilling lives, while contributing to the global understanding of masculinity in modern times. In the show, he takes your questions posed in the Man Up private Facebook group (https://www.facebook.com/groups/manupcommunity/) and answers based on his experience coaching tens of thousands of students around the world for over a decade.
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Can You Get Every Girl?
David Tian Ph.D. shares what happens when you try to get every girl to like you.
David Tian Ph.D. explains why you need to polarize, why you need to make your choices.
In this Man Up episode, David Tian Ph.D. tells us to choose an identity that is expressive of the type of man in life that you want to have.
David Tian: Boom! Stop. In episode 65 of Man Up, I answer the question of, can you get every girl?
Masculinity for the Intelligent Man. I am David Tian, Ph.D., and this is: Man Up!
Hey, it’s David Tian, Ph.D. Welcome to episode 65 of Man Up. I am in Singapore. Just realized this is not… maybe I can, let’s just do this. This time I’m going to try and keep it under five minutes. The last video was really long. Twenty-three minutes, something like that. So I’m going to keep it at five.
Question is a very good one coming from Glenn. Glenn asked…well, it’s a long explanation so I’m going to summarize it for you. Glenn is a very successful businessman.
Has worked hard to get his fitness at the right level and now he’s looking for a girlfriend and he finds that while the girls that… that he can get girls…but like girls to like him, there are girls that like him but then there are girls that don’t like him.
And he’s asking, the girls that don’t like him or don’t go for his types – successful businessmen and would prefer he says to go for bad boy on a Harley-Davidson or he specifically mentioned like a drug dealer pimp type of guy.
I guess the guy at the clubs who’s doling out the coke, how does he get those types of girls who go for that. Like more of that exciting type of thing, he says.
So, it’s a good question. It’s really a question of whether you… So I like to think of it, I think what he’s really asking is he wants to get all girls. Not just the ones with… I mean if you want a girlfriend, you only need one out of seven billion people to like you.
He’s a businessman so I’m going to talk about it completely in this metaphor or analogy of business. One of the biggest mistakes in the business is trying to get – trying to convert all your customers.
So to give you an example, every great business polarizes at some point. And you have to polarize. So for instance, you have to stand for something. So you’re going to have – if it’s a good product – you’re going to have raving fans and then you’re going to have people who absolutely hate it.
Like when the Apple watch first came out, it’s a good example and I think it still polarizes people though over time that will be less polarizing because people will just accept it.
You can see which side I’m on. You’ve seen me wear it. Anyway, when it first came out and I had told some friends that I ordered it. I had a couple of friends who were incredibly antagonistic just to the idea that there’s an Apple watch. They just hated the thing. They didn’t even want to try it on or talk about it. They just… like… ripped into the fact that it’s ugly.
It’s just ugly. Just because a watch is ugly doesn’t mean it’s a bad product but like there’s just a visceral reaction to it. And almost irrational reaction to it and it was interesting to see that a product like that could illicit such strong reactions. There are many things that, like CrossFit’s another great example.
I’m not a fan of CrossFit but I have friends who are. There’s no one who’s sort of a fan of CrossFit. Everyone’s either totally fully, fully into… like completely bought into CrossFit and preach it or there are people who are like, “No, this is really bad or not good for me.”
I think, rare in thinking, there are good things and bad things about it. But most people I know are on one side of the other of the fence and strongly so. There’s a strong gluten-free thing like all the health food aficionados depending on who you ask. Depends on what that word would be… aficionado freak. You know whatever that is. The health food people, who are gluten-free everything. And there are those people who hate all the people who are gluten-free everything.
You can’t be middle of the road. And that is one of the biggest mistakes guys who are learning about women who are young, immature… actually let me take young out of there…. Umm… immature.
I’ve seen tons of forty somethings who are immature. Who don’t know what they stand for, who don’t know what they are about. In the world, absence of women, or women play a very small role in your day to day life maybe the segregation of the sexes or something, what would you be like.
Who would you be, what would you be doing. Obviously the way you dress, the way you look on the outside might be different but what would you be doing with your time. What is the meaning of your life.
And if you can’t answer those questions, you’re always going to be at the mercy of things outside your control. Your self-esteem is going to be at the mercy of women and whether they like you. And when they know they have that power, when people know they have that power over you, they just don’t respect you. Or they treat you like a baby and they don’t respect you as an adult or as a man.
So don’t try to convert every customer. Figure out who your avatar is. Figure out who your demographic is. Figure out who your ideal customer is and make everything directed at that person and then forget everyone else.
Okay, so as a businessman you’d understand that. I hope I don’t really need to go further it’s at five minutes I really want to keep it to five minutes it’s what it feels like to do 5 minutes. Like a mental note to myself because I’ve not been keeping to that at all. So this is what it feels like. There’s so many things I want to say, right, but I’m going to try to keep it to five minutes.
So many things I want to say. But it’s like that business, you have to figure out your avatar, gear your product to the avatar in the sense of this. If you could, like here’s your product, you love your product, your passionate about your product but how do you market it.
And hopefully you’ve created a product with somebody in mind who’s going to buy it, right? You don’t just create in vacuum for somebody but you don’t know who the market is. So you know who that person is. You go and you make that person your avatar.
Now who’s, when you’re making yourself attractive to women, you can’t make yourself attractive to all women. That’s just stupid. Why? Because the girl who would go ga-ga like completely just sees that guy in a second just wants to jump all over himwho is let’s say the jock. Okay, there’s the jock.
The girl who loves the big muscular jock dude… And then there’s a girl who would be really turned off by the big muscular jock dude and loves the Korean pop band dude who looks like an androgynous girl, you know. You know the type. And those are totally different aesthetics.
And if you try to go middle of the road, she’s not going to jump on either of you. And you’re going to have a hard time. And she’s never going to be head over heels over you because you’re just going to be vanilla. You want to polarize, you want to make your choices.
And your choices are going to be a lot of your life. If you’re at your heart, you’re like Captain America, but you choose for some stupid reason to dress like a Korean pop band boy, it’s going to be hard on you. You’re going to be depressed. You’re not going to feel like yourself. You’re not going to feel confident about yourself.
So choose a type or identity that is expressive of the type of man in life that you want to have. And then that will select out, screen out the women who wouldn’t like that and you want that.
Because it will then screen in in a very strong way, select for you I mean in a very strong way, it will self-select those women who would respond very strongly to the identity you have chosen for yourself. That has to happen. If that doesn’t happen, then you’re going to be vanilla, you’re going to be middle of the road…no one wants to fuck middle of the road. They settle for middle of the road just so that’s out there.
Alright, some big brother talk… seven and a half minutes. Not too bad. I’m going to try to stick to this length from now on. Took four tries to do it today. But there you go man… and join the private Facebook group. Ask your questions there, and in the meantime… man up!