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For over a decade, David Tian, Ph.D., has coached tens of thousands of people from over 87 countries to achieve happiness and success in their dating and love lives.
Once a nerdy, skinny professor of philosophical psychology who couldn’t hold a conversation to save his life, David is now director of Aura Transformation Corp., and a world renowned dating and life coach using therapeutic methods. Dr. Tian has been featured in international media, including AXN, Cosmopolitan, Psychology Today, as well as co-hosting a radio show on national radio and a weekly dating advice column in a national newspaper in Singapore. Formerly a professor at the National University of Singapore, Dr. Tian is actively researching, speaking, and publishing in the areas of philosophy and psychology.
The show, “Man Up: Masculinity for the Intelligent Man,” is David’s way of helping as many people as possible enjoy empowering and fulfilling lives, while contributing to the global understanding of masculinity in modern times. In the show, he takes your questions posed in The Man Up private Facebook group and answers based on his experience Coaching tens of thousands of students around the world for over a decade.
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Can You Get Every Girl?
In episode 65, I answer the question of: Can you get every girl?
Masculinity for the Intelligent Man. I am David Tian, Ph.D., and this is: Man Up!
Hey, it’s David Tian, Ph.D. Welcome to episode 65 of Man Up. I am in Singapore. Just realized this is not… maybe I can, let’s just do this. This time I’m going to try and keep it under five minutes. The last video was really long. Twenty-three minutes, something like that. So we’ll keep this in five.
Question is a very good one coming from Glenn. Glenn asked… well, it’s a very long explanation so I’m going to summarize it for you. Glenn is a very successful businessman.
Has worked hard to get his fitness at the right level and now he’s looking for a girlfriend and he finds that while the girls that… that he can get girls… the girls to like him but then there are girls that don’t like him.
And then he asks, the girls that don’t like him or don’t go for his types – successful businessmen “and would prefer”, he says, “bad boy on a Harley Davidson” or he specifically mentioned like a drug dealer pimp type of a guy.
I guess the guys at the club who’s doling out the coke, how does he get those types of girls to go for that. Like more of that exciting type of thing, he says.
So, it’s a good question. It’s really a question of whether you… So I like to think of it, I think what he’s really asking is he wants to get all girls. Not just the ones with… I mean if you want a girlfriend, you only need one out of seven billion people to like you.
So I’m going to talk about it completely in this metaphor or analogy of business. One of the biggest mistakes is trying to get – trying to convert all your customers.
So to give you an example, every great business polarizes at some point. And you have to polarize. So for instance, you have to stand for something. So you’re going to have – if it’s a good product – you’re going to have raving fans and then you’re going to have people who absolutely hate it.
Like when the apple watch first came out and to think it still polarizes people though over time that will be less polarized because people are just accept it.
You can see which side I’m on. You’ve seen me wear it. Anyway, when it first came out and I had told some friends that I ordered it. I had a couple of friends who were incredibly antagonistic just to the idea that there’s an apple watch. They just hated the thing. They didn’t even want to try it on or talk about it. They just… like… ripped into the fact that it’s ugly.
It’s just ugly. Just because a watch is ugly doesn’t mean it’s a bad product but it’s like there’s a visceral reaction to it. And almost irrational reaction to it and it was interesting to see. That a product that bad could illicit such strong reactions. There are many things like crossfits and many other great examples.
I’m not a fan of crossfit but I have friends who are. There’s no one who’s “sort” of a fan of crossfit. Everyone’s either totally fully, fully into… like completely bought into crossfit and preach it or there are people who are like, “no, this is really bad and not good for me”.
I think rare in thinking good things and bad things about it. But most people I know are one side or the other of the fence and strongly so. There’s a strong gluten free thing like all the health food aficionados depending on who you ask. Depends what that word would be… aficionado freak. You know whatever that is. The healthy people, the gluten free in everything. And there are those people who hate the all the people who are gluten free on everything.
You can’t be middle of the road. And that is one of the biggest mistakes guys who are learning about women who are young, immature… actually let me take young out of there…. Umm… immature.
I’ve seen tons of forty something who are immature. Who don’t know what they stand for, who don’t know what they are about. In the world, absence of women, or women play a very small role in your day to day life via segregation of the sex or something, what would you be like.
Who would you be, what would you be doing. Obviously the way you dress, the way you look on the outside might be different but what would you be doing with your time. What is the meaning of your life.
And if you can’t answer those questions, you’re always going to be at the mercy of things outside your control. Your self-esteem is going to be at the mercy of women and whether they like you. And when they know they have that power, when people know they have that power over you, they just don’t respect you. Or they treat you like a baby and they don’t respect you as adults or as a man.
So don’t try to convert every customer. Figure out who your avatar is. Figure out who your demographic is. Figure out who your ideal customer is and make everything directed at that person and then forget everyone else.
Okay, so as a businessman you’d understand that. I hope I don’t really have to go further and it’s already five minutes and I’d like to keep it in five minutes like a mental note to myself and I’m not keeping to that at all. So this is what it feels like. There’s so many things I want to say, right, but I’m going to keep it to five minutes.
So many things I wanted to say. But it’s like that business, you have to figure out your avatar, gear your product to the avatar in the sense of this. If you could, like here’s your product, you love your product, your passionate about your product but how do you market it.
And hopefully you’ve created a product with somebody in mind who’s going to buy it, right? You don’t just create a vacuum for somebody you don’t know who the market is. So you know who that person is. You go and you make that person your avatar.
Now who’s, when you’re making yourself attractive to women, you can’t make yourself attractive to all women. That’s just stupid. Why? Because the girl who would go ga-ga like completely who just sees that guy in a second just wants to jump all over him who is let’s say is the jock.
The girl who loves the big muscular jock dude… And then there’s a girl who would be turned off by the big muscular dude… the jock dude… and loves the Korean pop band dude who looks like an androgynous girl, you know. You know the type. And those are totally different aesthetics.
And if you go try to go the middle of the road, she’s not going to jump of either of you. And you’re going to have a hard time. And she’s never going to be head over heels for you. You’re just going to be vanilla. You want to polarize, you want to make your choices.
And your choices are going to be a lot of your life. If you’re like, at your heart, like Captain America, but you choose for some stupid reason to dress like a stupid Korean pop band boy, it’s going to be hard on you. You’ll be depressed. You’re not going to feel like yourself. You’re not going to feel confident about yourself.
So choose a type or identity that is expressive of the type of man in life that you want to have. And then that will select out, screen out women who wouldn’t like that and you want that.
Because it will then screen in in a very strong way, select for you in a very strong way, it will self-select those women who would respond strongly to the identity you have chosen for yourself. That has to happen. If that doesn’t happen, then you’re going to be vanilla, you’ll be in the middle of the road… no one wants to fuck in the middle of the road. They settle for the middle of the road just soon as it’s out there.
Alright, some big brother talk… seven and a half minutes. Not too bad. I’m going to try to stick to this length from now on. Took four tries to do it today. But there you go man… and join the private Facebook group. I answer your questions there, and in the meantime… man up.