Man Up | Ep. 163 • December 30, 2016
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or over a decade, David Tian, Ph.D., has coached tens of thousands of people from over 87 countries to achieve happiness and success in their dating and love lives.
Once a nerdy, skinny professor of philosophical psychology who couldn’t hold a conversation to save his life, David is now director of Aura Transformation Corp., and a world renowned dating and life coach using therapeutic methods. Dr. Tian has been featured in international media, including AXN, Cosmopolitan, Psychology Today, as well as co-hosting a radio show on national radio and a weekly dating advice column in a national newspaper in Singapore. Formerly a professor at the National University of Singapore, Dr. Tian is actively researching, speaking, and publishing in the areas of philosophy and psychology.
The show, “Man Up: Masculinity for the Intelligent Man,” is David’s way of helping as many people as possible enjoy empowering and fulfilling lives, while contributing to the global understanding of masculinity in modern times. In the show, he takes your questions posed in The Man Up private Facebook group and answers based on his experience Coaching tens of thousands of students around the world for over a decade.
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David Tian: Boom! Stop. I’m David Tian, PhD. And in this video, I address the issue: When she leaves you when you’re in critical condition. Welcome to Man Up Episode 163.
Masculinity for the Intelligent Man. I’m David Tian, PhD., and this is Man Up!
Hey, I’m David Tian, PhD, and for over the past ten years, I’ve been helping hundreds of thousands of people in over 87 countries attain success, happiness and fulfillment in life and love.
Actually now, we’re coming up to the New Year. Maybe by the time you see this, it is the New Year, but I’m filming this actually on Christmas Day. That is how dedicated I am to the craft and it’s the only bit of work that I promised myself to do today, otherwise it’s rest. Happy Holidays to you and to your loved ones.
I’m in Bangkok. I don’t know if you can tell, but I am here in Bangkok, and got a question here. I’m going to answer this one from Jamie. It’s a pretty quick question. I’m just going to read it verbatim.
“I’ve been with this girl for four years. We’ve been engaged. I got in a car wreck, and as soon as I was recovered enough to be up and about, she tells me that during the two months I was out of it, she fell in love with another guy. I’ve given this girl my future, and she treated it like it was nothing.”
Alright, Jamie. I asked him for some more clarification and I’m still waiting to hear on that. It’s a pretty recent question. But just the fact that this guy asked this question at all and said this stuff, I just wanted to make it clear, just to get to it, in case any other guys are in this situation. Let me just break it down for you, it’s pretty easy.
“I’ve been with this girl for four years.” They were engaged. This is context. Four years, engaged. I’m very certain that he’s in his 20s. “I got in a car wreck. And as soon as I was recovered enough to be up and about, she tells me that during the two months that he was out of it…” So, they were engaged, together for four years, he was in the hospital for two months, maybe in a semi-coma. She says she fell in love with another guy. It’s important to understand what’s going on here. One is to understand the importance of love, and what the fuck it is, and that most young people, as in 97% and more young people who think that they know what love is, don’t know what the fuck love is at all.
That pisses me off so much. Because over the years, I’ve been getting the same sort of questions that have this basic assumption about what love means, and they’re just flat out wrong. The facts are just wrong on love. So, I created a whole special other keynote talk, I recorded it another one I did, I think it’s called Love Versus Attraction, and that’s available on the YouTube channel. You should go watch that first. So Jamie, go educate yourself on what love is. It sounds like you got to be in your 20s for sure, and this sounds like a very young relationship, or you’re just very immature. They could be old and aged but immature emotionally and psychologically.
So, she fell in love with another guy in two months. Just so that we’re very clear on this. First is that there’s a big confusion around what love is here. The second is, she’s really immature. So that’s partly why I think there’s a lot of confusion around what love is, because the fact that she would throw away a four-year relationship… So another way to go is, she was already cheating on you behind your back, already pulled away emotionally, you just never noticed it. And when you got in that car accident, it was just the last thing to push her over the edge and finally take that leap to tell you that she wants to separate.
That’s probably the case. But the fact that she would stay in the relationship that long, wait until you are in this life and death situation, and then you leave when you recover from it – that’s a major sign of insecurity, instability, and unsuitability for a relationship. How would you know this? Well, if it’s your first time encountering this sort of thing, you wouldn’t. That’s why you should take advantage of over ten years of experience by going to the private Man Up Facebook group. Join the group because there’s a free course in there called Relationship Red Flags. It’s a special course and it’s free. It’s on Relationship Red Flags.
This is one of the red flags, and there’s no way that she showed her immaturity at this stage, four years in. She definitely showed her immaturity earlier than that, and you ought to have picked that up. I mean, it would’ve been better if you had picked that up earlier on than have to be confronted with the harsh truth after coming out of the hospital. So, get that free course, Relationship Red Flags, to educate yourself, to inoculate yourself against this sort of parasitic type of person. The final line though was the one that made me really worried. “I’d given this girl my future, and she treated it like it was nothing. I’d given this girl my future.”
Okay. So, you’re going to hear this from guys and girls who are bitter after a breakup, after being dumped. “I’ve given her everything” or “I’ve given him everything. I’ve given him my future. I’ve sacrificed so much.” Whenever you’re in that situation, you already fucked up. So to understand the relationship dynamic, if you don’t understand the relationship dynamic, you already are fucking up the relationship. If you ever find yourself emotionally thinking those thoughts, or psychologically thinking the thought, “I’ve given her everything”, then that’s why it failed. Because you’re coming in as the fixer, you’re coming in from a position of giving, and waiting for something in return.
Because if you truly loved her unconditionally, that thought would never come to your mind. It shouldn’t come to your mind. I mean, it should’ve been like, “Oh, that was a waste.” But there should be no bitterness towards it. And it shouldn’t be a sacrifice. A love relationship should not be a sacrifice. Sometimes, there’s a compromise, right? Maybe you can’t take that plum job around the other side of the world because it’s not going to be a practical situation for her and your kids, so you stay at home. But that life, that relationship and family life should outweigh, in terms of benefits, the benefits that accrue to you emotionally from going to that job.
If it doesn’t, then you truly are sacrificing. In which case, you’re not psychologically ready to be a good dad, or to be a good husband, or to be a good boyfriend, or whatever the case may be. You’re not mature enough. So, the only honest thing to do in that situation is to not sacrifice, to say, “Look, this is what I got to do.” Why? Because it comes up later. It is like acid in the relationship. You don’t even notice it. It’s just these leaks that come out. It’s like having a gas leak in your car. You just keep driving, and this thing is leaking, and it’s just about to explode but you don’t notice until it’s too late.
So, that’s the situation here. I know for a fact that this guy was in a fixer mentality. Even on the outside, maybe you’re all gangster badass, but you’re in the nice guy role in the relationship. For you to even say or think that with that bitterness, you’re in the nice guy position. How can you inoculate yourself against this? How can you prevent this from happening again? The only way to do it is to grow psychologically and emotionally. And I’ve actually created a whole set of free courses on this, because I get asked this so often that I made a whole set of free courses.
The only way you can get that is to go to the private Man Up Facebook group and download, or go get the complementary courses. So, they’re in the private Facebook group. Join the private Facebook group. Click the link. Let me do a summary. This is a pretty quick question. If your fiancée or your girlfriend of four years leaves you after you come out of a coma in the fucking hospital, she leaves you for another guy? You fucked up royally. You can be mad at her, but also turn the mirror on yourself and figure out what mistakes did you made that you missed the red flags that would’ve told you, prepared you, warned you, that this person is susceptible to such immature behavior.
And here’s the other thing, and one thing I want to mention: She will be coming back to you. There’s no fucking way, for real. If you had brains at all – if you were mature, if you were in the position where you did watch my free video courses, you did know the red flags, and you still were blind to them, or refused to acknowledge them, and you were too deep in love with this person, too deep ‘infatuation’ I should say and she is too… One of the things that can happen with an immature girl is when there’s a separation, she feels the vacuum and she needs to fill it with something. Sometimes they fill it with food, sometimes they fill it with shopping, sometimes she fills it with another dude but he’s just a stand-in dude for you.
You show up now, you’re the real thing, now she’s just fucked up because she’s got all this other shit going on, but she’s so immature, she’s impulsive, has no responsibility. And basically what’s going to happen is, the rebound dude can’t match up to you and all of the comfort that you’ve accrued over the four years. She’s going to go back to you. But when she goes back to you, it doesn’t solve anything. It just prolongs the problem and it’s like patching the oil leak with some masking tape or some shit. That shit’s still going to leak and it’s still going to blow up. So you still, no matter what, need to click the link and join the private Facebook group to get the free video courses, to educate you, to make sure that you don’t make this mistake again.
That’s the situation you’ve been. And I’ve been eating way too much over the holidays. I think I gained two and a half kg in three days. Holy shit. Anyways, I’m on a very full stomach still, and my brain’s moving a little slowly, but there you go Jamie. Join the private Facebook group and make sure you inoculate yourself by being able to see the red flags in the relationship so that you don’t get into this situation again, or for any of you guys watching this, so you don’t get left in the hospital. Alright, until then, Happy New Year, Happy Holidays. It’s David Tian, signing out. Man Up!