Man Up | Ep. 15 • September 21, 2015
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or over a decade, David Tian, Ph.D., has coached tens of thousands of people from over 87 countries to achieve happiness and success in their dating and love lives.
Once a nerdy, skinny professor of philosophical psychology who couldn’t hold a conversation to save his life, David is now director of Aura Transformation Corp., and a world renowned dating and life coach using therapeutic methods. Dr. Tian has been featured in international media, including AXN, Cosmopolitan, Psychology Today, as well as co-hosting a radio show on national radio and a weekly dating advice column in a national newspaper in Singapore. Formerly a professor at the National University of Singapore, Dr. Tian is actively researching, speaking, and publishing in the areas of philosophy and psychology.
The show, “Man Up: Masculinity for the Intelligent Man,” is David’s way of helping as many people as possible enjoy empowering and fulfilling lives, while contributing to the global understanding of masculinity in modern times. In the show, he takes your questions posed in The Man Up private Facebook group and answers based on his experience Coaching tens of thousands of students around the world for over a decade.
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What If Your Girlfriend Leaves You For A Celebrity?
In this episode, I talk about what to do when your girlfriend ditches you for a celebrity.
Masculinity for the Intelligent Man. I am David Tian, Ph.D., and this is: Man Up.
All right, welcome to episode 15. Now we’ve got a question, which is quite interesting. Not sure how relatable this is going to be to everyone else but this is a really good question. This is from Rodriguez and I’ll just summarize it because it’s sort of long winded. So he went with his girlfriend to a party where David Beckham was at. They got into the VIP area and then to get to VVIP area, which is where David Beckham’s table was – there was another bouncer there. The bouncer said, only girls allowed. His girlfriend said, “I don’t even know him.” – pointing to the boyfriend.
It’s really just me; I swear it’s just me. The boyfriend, Rodriguez, said, my heart was crushed. I felt dejected. At first he didn’t know what to do so he tried to get physical with the bouncer – of course, that doesn’t help at all – but then the bouncer pushed him back and he just ended up watching while his girlfriend just pretended like she was single and fawning all over David Beckham. He’s saying he doesn’t know how to get his mojo back and so on. So that’s the question: What do I do when my girlfriend ditches me for a celebrity?
Well this actually happened to me a few times so I can sympathize with you. There are a lot of celebrities that come through Singapore and the girls they’re just going to do their thing. Sometimes they’ll bring you in on it, sometimes you have an inside track – so the bouncers they know you or sometimes you’re just valuable socially in that setting, like for yourself to get yourself in – to meet the celebrity.
If you’re getting into that area because you’ve got hot girls with you, then probably at that last stage they’re going to screen you out as a male. That’s just the nastiness of male celebrities. I don’t know about Beckham – if he was trying to hook up with any of them. But a lot of the guy celebrities do, even if they’re married or they’re publicly in a relationship, it doesn’t really matter because they’re just nasty.
So that’s the deal. You’ve got to realize that this is a dog-eat-dog world; it’s like survival of the fittest. So there’s that one thing. If you accept that – this evolution and it’s about game and competing and all that. Then the best thing you can do is to not react and to just think strategically and not get emotional.
But that’s if you’re trying to get in as a single male. If your spouse or your girlfriend ditches you to go in then the real question is: Why are you in that relationship? She threw you under the bus. Is this the type of woman whose values jive with yours? Is this the type of woman who you want to have in your life? The partner you choose is going to largely determine how you become – because the people you spend the most time with is who you become.
It just happens naturally over time that you start to take on the attributes or thought processes or whatever – beliefs, of those you spend a lot of time with especially those that you look up to or that you want to have their approval of – whose approval you want to have. Or whose connection you want to keep if you’re willing to change something about yourself in order to keep that connection. Those people will automatically influence you to become a certain way.
If you’re living with this girl or she’s living with you, that person will probably be the most influential over how you turn out. Unless you’re a workaholic and spend all your time at work and hardly see her. Most people, their spouses are going to be the most influential over them, in how they become.
It happens so gradually and so powerfully that people don’t notice it. Because they just become that person and then they only notice it when they look back like years later over what’s happened. That’s one of the laws of the universe; you become who you spend the most time with. That’s why I personally will pay a lot of money for my own coaching – for business coaching, sales coaching, strategy coaching, acting coaching, fitness coaching, whatever. Because I want direct access to the people – because they can influence me at the most powerful level – at the unconscious, automatic level. That’s the power of it.
If you’re not curating who you spend your time with, if you’re not careful about that then you’re going to become somebody that you didn’t choose to be. It might be a good thing but most of the time it’s a bad thing. If you have a spouse or girlfriend who would ditch you, would tell the bouncer that she’s not with you, doesn’t even know you, throw you under the bus just to take a selfie with David Beckham or whatever then I think most guys – they’re value system would not be attracted to that.
That would not be something that would be – guys don’t go around looking for a girl who would ditch them for a celebrity. Once that’s a data point you know about her, it’s a very important one, now that you have that data, what are you going to do about it? If you’re a real man – it’s very difficult for me to reconcile that – unless you’re in an open relationship. But then you wouldn’t be bothered by it and you are, so this really goes against your value system – you should dump her.
There’s no – I can’t see any good reason why you would stay with a girl who’s now showing her true colors. All right, so that’s that. Don’t be blinded by your ego and pride. If she is stealable, if she is willing to throw you under the bus – get the heck out of there. It’s not worth it. You will find better. I’ll leave you on that note. You’ll find better, go out and do it.
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