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For over a decade, David Tian, Ph.D. — a uniquely qualified therapist, life coach, and former university professor — has coached tens of thousands of people from over 87 countries to achieve happiness and success in their relationships, dating, psychology, and lifestyle.
Dr. Tian has been featured in international media, as well as co-hosting a radio show on national radio and a weekly dating advice column in a national newspaper in Singapore.
The show, “Man Up: Masculinity for the Intelligent Man” (https://www.davidtianphd.com/blog/), is David’s way of helping as many people as possible enjoy empowering and fulfilling lives, while contributing to the global understanding of masculinity in modern times. In the show, he takes your questions posed in the Man Up private Facebook group (https://www.facebook.com/groups/manupcommunity/) and answers based on his experience coaching tens of thousands of students around the world for over a decade.
Connect with David Tian here:
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DTPHD Podcast: https://www.davidtianphd.com/dtphdpodcast
When She Leaves You
David Tian Ph.D. explains why a woman would want to be out of the relationship.
David Tian Ph.D. tells us why we need to examine the reason why we enter a relationship.
In this Man Up episode, David Tian Ph.D. discusses why some marriages and relationships fail.
David Tian: Boom! Stop. I’m David Tian, PhD. And in this video I answer the question: What if she leaves you when you’re down in life? Welcome to Man Up Episode 181.
Masculinity for the Intelligent Man. I’m David Tian, PhD., and this is Man Up!
Hi. I’m David Tian, PhD, and welcome to Man Up Episode 181. For over the past 10 years, I have been helping hundreds of thousands of people in over 87 countries attain success, happiness, and fulfillment in life and love. We are in Ku De Ta, Bali. This used to be a classic spot, now it’s like a lot of families. Hopefully, the music is not too loud.
We’re going to have to do some noise reduction to bring that down. And it was cloudy and rainy just earlier today after four days of constant sunshine.
So, the irony. But here we are, and I’m answering a question from the Man Up private Facebook group.
By the way, if you have not yet joined that, join that. Click the link. See you inside the Man Up private Facebook group.
This is a question from Allen. Let’s see, it’s two screens long. I’m going to read certain parts of it, but not the whole thing. Okay, “New to the group. Been a fan of David’s work for years.” Thank you.
“I got into a relationship with a girl I really connect with. We both enjoy meditation, spirituality, and philosophy from the get-go. Hit it off physically as well with her commenting on how well we connect when being intimate. I felt her falling for me and initiating first, being the first one to say I love you and asking what kind of relationship we had, the boyfriend-girlfriend question.”
Okay, that’s good.
“We had only been official for two months when out of nowhere she freaked out and says she had doubts about our relationship. We talked and she said she was busy and had too much on her plate, and didn’t know how she feels. She feels she has little to offer in terms of our relationship.”
So, you do know that’s bullshit from her side. You’ll find out why as I read more.
“Projects underway as well with maybe moving to another city to study is a possibility.” It’s sort of like, it’s not you, it’s me. “On my part, she says we have argued quite a bit and had disagreements on issues.”
Sorry, I’m in a bit of a flu from last week, so I’m going to be sniffling. “And that I hadn’t been empathetic enough. I’m also undergoing periods of detox to fix health issues and to grow stronger physically and mentally, emotionally.”
“She said that this has been somewhat of a disconnect for her.” Not sure what that means. Here’s a situation. He has financial issues which he did not have before when they first started going out.
In two short months, she has gone from perceiving me as unreal to looking at my weakest self: a detoxing, scrambling dude, starting out on his biggest dreams, stripping down on all kinds of karma before really taking off.
Okay, we got to let the staff go through here.
“We talked and she stills want to talk and see each other, but we just took it down a notch with being free to see other people. I told her I couldn’t just be friends because I’ve developed feelings for her. We’d been messaging daily before, and now I’m the one that backed things off, not contacting her for myself to be able to come down emotionally a little bit.”
I think that’s a good idea. If she doesn’t want it, and you want it, obviously you’re more attached than she is here, taking some time off is always a good idea.
“I feel like waiting too long before messaging would be on the reactive butthurt side.” Fuck that. As soon as you start wondering about being reactive or butthurt, you already lost. As soon as you start wondering, “Am I being reactive?” You’re already being reactive, it’s too late.
All you can do is go where you are. Don’t hide your feelings, it’s just about, how do you grow from them?
You’re vulnerable right now. As soon as you feel the feelings you’re feeling, that’s when you start to man up and you actually can take power over the vulnerability.
But right now, when you hide the vulnerability, when you repress it and you hope no one notices, you already lost.
So, it’s a good idea to take some time off for yourself. But when you’re like, “I feel like I’ve been waiting too long before messaging”, that would be reactive. Just do what you need to do for yourself. Fuck reactive. Fuck this other shit.
So many men are ashamed of being hurt. This is fine. Being hurt is good. It means that you are human. It’s attractive. It is valuable in life.
On a side note he says, ending the thing with, “I’ve started hitting up other girls, but feel strongly I’m doing it as an escape for feeling bad about this girl.”
So he’s like, he wants another partner to fill the gap. Okay. Here’s what’s going on. I asked him, “What is your intended outcome?” But I didn’t get an answer before I needed to film.
But this is the deal, right? He’s superficial and she’s superficial. There you go. They’re both immature so they’re in an immature relationship, and they are trying to deal with this.
Right now, you feel like shit is going down in your life. You are not as financially well-off. And because of that, you’re not as psychologically well-off.
And because of that, you feel insecure. And because of that, she’s sensing from you that this is actually getting to you.
If you are a man who didn’t give a fuck about your bank account, your bank balance, or what the fuck else is the other shit that’s going on in your life–
Because you know that you’re going to come out on top, as a matter of time, then it won’t bother other people. But because it bothers you, it bothers her.
And she’s superficial, obviously, from the kind of like ‘it’s not you, it’s me’. Obviously, it’s you. She’s just telling you – this financial difficulty you’re going through, as well as your detox, physical detox, which you’re also going through, was a disconnect for her.
In other words, she’s like, “You’re not as attractive as you used to be. Therefore, I’m out.” If you don’t know what I’m talking about, Google or YouTube search: “Love Versus Attraction.” This is a very important keynote talk I gave.
It’s about 40 minutes or so. Every guy in the world who is having trouble with relationships or women needs to watch that about ten times.
I’m going to reference that a million times. I’m going to put it in every single free course, because that is that basic thing where guys – people, men and women around the world – they get confused.
They get into a relationship out of attraction, which is what you got into, Allen, out of pure attraction. And you think that will just transfer into love.
No, motherfuckers. You guys got into a relationship out of immature infatuation. You guys got along, there’s some chemistry, you had some sex, great.
You can have that with a fucking prostitute. So, great, you have attraction. And then you expect that to transfer into love. Two months into your fucking relationship, you guys weren’t feeling it. You didn’t have the feels no more.
And then you attribute it to your lack of confidence, because your body was going south, and your finances were going south.
So, she bailed on your fucking ass. “Oh, I’m not so into you no more.” No more attraction. And because you guys didn’t even have love in the first place, you’re confusing love for attraction.
Because she didn’t feel attraction for you anymore, then she’s out. And she doesn’t want to feel guilty. She’s got a conscience or she just wants to make it easy on you and her by saying, “Oh no, it’s because I don’t think I can contribute to this relationship.”
That’s like when you go to a job interview and they’re like, “What’s your biggest flaw?” And you’re like, “I work too hard.” One of those things. This is the situation you find yourself in. She’s this way, you also are this way because you are now looking for a girl to stand in. You got fucked over because she dumped your ass, so you feel insecure.
And now because she’s not there, you need to fill in the gap with another girl. This is normal. Normal superficiality.
If you don’t see that these are category changes, that the relationship you should have in a romantic long-term committed, exclusive relationship is supposed to be a love relationship because attraction does not last.
Attraction is by definition a temporary fleeting thing. But you want to have a love relationship based on attraction, that will always fail. That’s why most marriages and most relationships fail.
I mean, the land of marriages, those will fail. Over 50% of them will fail because people don’t know the difference between love and attraction.
But anyway, you have an attraction relationship and you want to now – because you’re the guy who got fucked over because you got dumped, and you’re in a weak spot now.
You’re in the one down. You want to get a replacement for that girl. Same fucking thing. You guys are all in the same fucking boat, man.
You guys only know attraction and you’re looking for validation from another girl, sexual gratification from another girl. Basically, this girl just served two things.
She just served emotional validation, psychological validation, and then physical, sexual gratification. That’s it. Right now, you want to get your ego back because she dumps your ass, so you want to get that back from another female.
Yeah. I totally understand. I got it. It makes sense. But guys who are watching this, don’t ever confuse that with love. None of this is love. None of it. She was in “love”, depending what that means. But she never really loved him on any kind of classical sense of the word love, and he never really loved her.
He’s just now butthurt because he got dumped. And he’s got so much shame around being hurt, and around having feelings, thinking that will make him look less attractive, the fact that he feels.
Look, it would be better if you were more mature. But if you were more mature, you probably wouldn’t have fallen for this type of girl.
Here’s one other thing I just want to say before you end off. I guess the recap is: two immature people who don’t know the difference between love and attraction. This is what happens when they get into a relationship.
One of them is eventually going to go down in life, because life is up and down. Hopefully it’s upward trajectory. But for many people, it’s just up and down.
And when they go down, the other person loses attraction and they bail. So, that’s what happens when you base a relationship on attraction, not love.
But one other thing I want to point out – he started off saying, “We bonded over meditation, over philosophy.” Guess what? Most of the people that I’ve met who are just yoga, meditation, philosophy, there is airy-fairy and fucking woo-hoo, fucking intellectually stupid as possible.
I would prefer to hang out with an engineer who was like brass tacks reality. How do I make this machine go that way? I’d rather talk to that person.
That person is grounded in reality. When I talk to an airy-fairy, “Ooh, let’s woo-hoo meditate” bullshit, this is one of those lands in Bali, like the Ubud, the people who just eat organic shit and they go, “Oh, I’m spiritual.”
They’re fucking in the clouds. They don’t know fuck-all. They don’t know what love means. They don’t know what attraction means. I don’t mean all of them, I just mean 95% of them. So, just because you think you know – you like to talk about philosophy, and love, and meditation, don’t think you know about it.
Most importantly, where is the goodness in this? Where is the good? You feel like you deserve it, right? You feel like ‘she oughta love me because my body is doing well, and I got finances, and I’m intellectual.’
And then when you go south, when your body goes down, when you got to do detox and you’re suffering physically, and you’re suffering financially, suddenly you don’t feel worthy no more of this relationship.
Well, you deserve it. That’s your world. Don’t think you’re any higher spirituality. You’re not the fucking Dalai Lama. You don’t have no fucking clue what goodness is.
Hey, it’s okay. Most of the world doesn’t either, so whatever. But don’t think you’re better because you can meditate, because you got some yoga shit going on. So, just so you know, get off your fucking high horse and stop drinking that fucking detox green juice. Well, green juice can be very good for you.
What I’m saying is, get off your fucking high horse, man. These guys that are like, “Oh, I don’t want club sluts. I don’t want the club girls, the club chicks.” Okay, I get that. And instead, they’re like, “No, I want a superior being, someone who can meditate and knows yoga.” Fucking stupid. They’re both superficial. They’re both fucking superficial.
Just to put that out there. That’s a little thing at the end there, a little rant, because I’m in the land of superficial woo-hoos. Well, not in this side of the island, but towards the mountains.
So, here we are, the sun is setting. Not sure if you can tell. Usually, it’s this beautiful pink, but right now because of the clouds, I think it’s – but it’s very beautiful anyway.
We’re going to get some dinner. So, it’s good talking to you. Join the private Man Up Facebook group. I’ll see you inside the group.
And Allen, thank you so much for asking the question, even though I may be hard on you, I really appreciate you asking.
Hopefully you’ve learned, and hopefully you guys watching this have learned something.
I humbly share it with you out of learning it the hard way. I’ll see you inside the group.
Until then, David Tian signing out, Man Up!