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For over a decade, David Tian, Ph.D. — a uniquely qualified therapist, life coach, and former university professor — has coached tens of thousands of people from over 87 countries to achieve happiness and success in their relationships, dating, psychology, and lifestyle.
Dr. Tian has been featured in international media, as well as co-hosting a radio show on national radio and a weekly dating advice column in a national newspaper in Singapore.
The show, “Man Up: Masculinity for the Intelligent Man” (https://www.davidtianphd.com/blog/), is David’s way of helping as many people as possible enjoy empowering and fulfilling lives, while contributing to the global understanding of masculinity in modern times. In the show, he takes your questions posed in the Man Up private Facebook group (https://www.facebook.com/groups/manupcommunity/) and answers based on his experience coaching tens of thousands of students around the world for over a decade.
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She Finds Out You Have A Girlfriend?
When you get into these kind of situations, David Tian Ph.D. tells us what this says about you.
David Tian Ph.D. explains why an open relationship is better for some men.
In this Man Up episode, David Tian Ph.D. discusses women’s expectations and its implications.
David Tian: Boom! Stop! In episode 58 of Man Up, I discuss, how to get a girl back after she’s found out you have a girlfriend?
Masculinity for the Intelligent Man. I am David Tian, Ph.D., and this is: Man Up!
Hello, I’m David Tian, Ph.D. and welcome to episode 58 of Man Up! I’m in Bangkok. Some apologies that while I was behind the great firewall of China just a few days ago, I didn’t get to shoot as much videos I wanted to. And then we had the big Mastermind summit. And I was hoping to shoot some video during the summit but it was crazy, crazy in a good way. Super busy and couldn’t find any time for that. So unfortunately, couldn’t get to shoot that there.
I had to wait until I flew back to Bangkok. Because I was behind the great firewall, I didn’t have access to Amazon, Facebook, Google and all of the Google related products. Plus, it turns out that many of our software that we’ve been using is dependent in someway on Google and Amazon. So those didn’t work because they were continually trying to load Google and Amazon, bouncing around various VPNs.
For guys who own VPN companies, some of my friends, man, China is like a big black hole there and it worked for like a half hour and then it would just cut out and I would have to find a new channel which meant uploading took forever. Sometimes the hotel would work because it’s an international hotel. But it was iffy. It was inconsistent.
So anyway, just some excuses for why I haven’t been posting lately. Apologies for that, but we’re back on track in the new year. You’d probably be watching this in the new year, looking at the posting schedule. However, for me – today – right now, filming this, it is Christmas Eve. Spending Christmas Eve with some friends, I’m trying to shoot some videos real quick so we can make the dinner. They’re all coming over here.
Then tomorrow, I’m flying to Singapore to spend Christmas Day with my friends in Singapore. So I’m going to have two different countries, 24 and 25 (of December), it’s going to be real fun. So I’m looking forward to that. I’m kind of pumped up! Had a restful return from China. China was insane – every time we go there is pretty insane. So ironically, when I’m in Bangkok, it’s like my Zen center.
I just want to show you a little bit of my place. I don’t think I’ve actually shot any “Man Up!” video here in my home/hotel in Bangkok. But it’s pretty bad ass for you. I’m not always on the same floor. This is the twentieth, it goes a little bit higher than this but to just to show you some of the view, I wake up to – there’s the bed.
There are some blinds that are automatic. There you go… Some view of Bangkok, looking at the CBD and some tourist areas here. There’s Sathorn and Patpong across the street. Don’t go there much, just so you know. But anyway, there you go. Pretty cool! Big fan of the city. Most of the time, it’s a great city to actually be based in.
Ok, cool! Well, let’s get into it. I want to try to keep these videos short. The ones I shot in China went overly long. So I’m going to try to keep this short, hopefully the focusing is good – great! Soon I will be back in Singapore and we’ll be shooting a video with someone behind the camera. It’s a lot easier when that happenss.
Ok, so I’m answering the question – a private question – sent to me via a private message. It’s a guy who’s taken one of my courses, online courses that I’ve developed a long time ago with my good friend Christian Hudson at the socialman.com, we’ll plug for him. And we filmed a program that, a training program I did – this was 2009 – so as of by next week that would be seven years ago when I first created that course. It’s an old course. It’s amazing it’s still selling so great. And we updated it a couple of years after the original shooting. It’s a great entry level course just to get you the basics of attraction and social intelligence.
Anyway, the guy who bought the course asked me a question, and I wanted to answer it just because he bought that course and he’s coming out of that course. The question is, here we go – I’m going to have to – I really appreciate the guys who write longer questions but it means I have to summarize. Okay, he’s a boss of a non-profit group, and there’s a young and very beautiful girl at his non-profit group.
They’ve been having fun texting and then when they see each other, they crack each other up like hell. “She knew all along that I have a girlfriend”, those were his words. But things happened, things changed when we exchanged “I like you’s”. “I thought she’d probably embarrassed to be the second option and decided not to text me anymore.” Very perceptive. “I can still feel she likes me the way she looks” at him, I’m assuming, “because we still each other every day because of the organization. But how do we get back to our fun relationship, knowing that she only had a change of heart when there came to be a commitment via ‘like’ words.” English is his second language I’m pretty sure.
So I think basically what happens is, what happened, is that he’s running a non-profit organization. There’s a young pretty girl there. They flirted a lot and then when he mentioned he has a girlfriend, she stopped responding. He’s wondering… “Why??” Okay, so this should be pretty easy.
So the girls that are watching are going to be like “ugh! Are you kidding me?” So a big part of my job is getting… there are lot of guys that, I would say more than 50% of men over 20 have no clue about basic what young attractive women consider to be basic psychology. I shouldn’t even say young… attractive women.
Dude, you led her on and she feels bitter and deceived. And dude you have a girlfriend. So I’m going to call you out on your integrity.
If you have a girlfriend and you’re flirting with other girls, you better be in an open relationship. And if it is, you should tell this young girl that it’s an open relationship and explain to her what that means and explain to her what role… like explain to her how your behavior fits into that context. You have to explain it all for them. So, otherwise people don’t know what to make of it and they’ll just panic and run (build trust).
People would rather not go through the effort of figuring out your lifestyle choices in order to hang out with you when they just first met you. When all of these is just harmless flirting at the beginning. So it went through the harmless flirting stage into something where she thought there was potential, she felt a little cheated, especially if she’s young.
I mean if she’s an older woman that’s like over 25, she’s… what’s the term… I was going to say “been around the block” but that sounds derogatory. She’s seen things. She’s experienced things. She kind of gets it and she’ll understand that you’re an immature man who lacks moral courage. She gets it.
So if she really likes you physically or if you’re funny, she might forgive it and keep the fun and flirtatiousness going because it’s entertaining (rebuilding trust in a relationship). But, the young girl will be thinking about the potential of feeling a connection. Now here’s something that’s interesting and I should really get this out there so I’m going to say this repeatedly, maybe in every single video.
The trend is these days that women are as they age are more increasingly interested in marriage and men as they age in 2016 are increasingly uninterested in getting married. So it’s going like this, women… I’ve been telling this to guys and they’re like shocked that young hot girls would still want to get married. Yeah!
Because medical science hasn’t progressed to the point where it’s an easy thing to have kids when you’re in your late 30s or later. You know there are a lot of complications and it’s just a lot more difficult. And that biological clock has a hard end point, right, and then she gets menopause.
Men, you know you’re seventy, you can pop some Viagra and you get that window of time where you can have another baby. And sure there are complications there too but it’s a lot less and much further down the age. So women are still looking for commitment, I mean it’s kind of swung back because the message for the past 5-10 years has been that women who found freedom and to a large of extent they have.
There’s still that fantasy that they can have that Hollywood romance… that Disney ending, right. Happily ever after. It’s only women who have gone through many of those and have them failed who become cynical and hardened like men, who’ve given up on it and just want to have fun and screw around, right? Because when a girl is young, she’s not thinking “ohh, I want to use my body and just enjoy lots of pleasure with my clitoris”. She’s not thinking that. She wants to have the textbook fantasy, Barbie doll with Ken romance.
Until she’s had a bit of that and then it’s destroyed, only then will she become a little bit more promiscuous. So, dude, you’re promiscuous but don’t expect the young, innocent – innocent compared to you – girl to take it lightly when she finds out that you’ve got a girlfriend.
I also call out to your integrity, have some integrity.
Okay, it’s been coming up to 10 minutes, I got to end that, pretty simple message, have some integrity and don’t lead girls on. Don’t screw over your girlfriend. That’s just sad. If you want to screw around, then break up with this girl – don’t lead her on! Both sides. This girl your flirting with and your girlfriend. It’s 2016 man, time to man up!
Alright, Facebook group, join it! Boom! Boom! Boom! That’s how you ask questions and that’s how I can interact with you personally. I want to hear your questions… they are my life blood. So come and do that and join the private Facebook group. Okay, until next time… Man Up!