Man Up | Ep. 112 • June 01, 2016
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or over a decade, David Tian, Ph.D., has coached tens of thousands of people from over 87 countries to achieve happiness and success in their dating and love lives.
Once a nerdy, skinny professor of philosophical psychology who couldn’t hold a conversation to save his life, David is now director of Aura Transformation Corp., and a world renowned dating and life coach using therapeutic methods. Dr. Tian has been featured in international media, including AXN, Cosmopolitan, Psychology Today, as well as co-hosting a radio show on national radio and a weekly dating advice column in a national newspaper in Singapore. Formerly a professor at the National University of Singapore, Dr. Tian is actively researching, speaking, and publishing in the areas of philosophy and psychology.
The show, “Man Up: Masculinity for the Intelligent Man,” is David’s way of helping as many people as possible enjoy empowering and fulfilling lives, while contributing to the global understanding of masculinity in modern times. In the show, he takes your questions posed in The Man Up private Facebook group and answers based on his experience Coaching tens of thousands of students around the world for over a decade.
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David Tian: Boom! Stop. In Episode 112, I answer the question of: Girlfriend or one-night stand? What if she doesn’t meet your standards for the long-term?
[MUSIC] Masculinity for the intelligent man. I’m David Tian, Ph.D. and this is Man Up!
Hey! I’m David Tian, Ph. D and welcome to Episode 112 of Man Up! And for the past ten years, I’ve been helping tens of thousands of people in over 87 countries attain success in life and love. And here I am in the private villa. It’s actually just down the street, there’s a little path from the main pool that I just shot the previous episode in and just came down here. It’s a nice private pool with this kind of frog fountain thingy. It’s actually a very warm pool. It gets warmed up during the day. It’s one of the problems of Bali. If you have a private villa pool, they’re often cold because they don’t get that much sunlight. Or if you come to the wrong time and year.
I actually come usually in dry season, but I’m here for a wedding. I’m in Bali for a wedding. So, I’m here during the start of wet season so it’s pretty humid. Well, not that humid yet. It’s going to get even worse, but it’s more humid than I am used to. But it’s still gorgeous as you can see. And here is Campuhan, gorge, check it out. It’s just completely… There’s like no development on the other side, just incredible. I don’t know if you can hear the sound of the actual rushing water, the rapids down there; just gorgeous. You probably can’t hear it because I have this little microphone thing on, but just beautiful in all sides. Yeah, can’t get enough of that. Oh, this is actually better. We can do that.
Okay, let’s get back to the pool area. The pool at night with the moon and the stars is especially nice. Okay, alright, answering question from the private Facebook group. Let’s see if I can set up, get the little pool in the background as well. That’s good. My arm’s a little tired. I’m going to rest it here, slouch a bit so you can see it. Cool, got the tree coming out of my head.
Okay, Thomas has asked quite a few questions. I’m going to answer the first of those. “Yesterday,” he says, “I saw your video about having standards. I agree” he says, “…that it’s important to have standards when I choose a girl- if a girl could be my girlfriend.” Well, I’m glad to hear that. Glad you think it’s good to have standards. “But what about when you just want to have sex with a girl?” Yeah, you don’t need any standards if you’re going to… [LAUGHS] Give me a break.
Okay so basically, there are things that you want in a short-term relationship and things you want in a long-term relationship. Okay, this is standard. There’s also a psychological complex or psychological dynamic that comes into play here which is normally referred to as the Madonna-whore complex or dynamic, dynamic is more accurate I think. “Sometimes,” he says, “I see a girl who is cute but which I would not consider as my girlfriend from first impression. Like, she is cute but I could have a better one.”
Oh, like, isn’t that horrible, like the way…? I guess everyone talks- women talk this way all the time. You know, “He’s hot, but you know, I could get a hotter guy” or “This is not the hottest guy I could get”, that kind of shit too. “Why should I do then? Fake having standards?” Well, you do have standards, it’s just that your bar is lower for short-term relationships, that’s all. And that’s true for everyone, men and women. And so, if you just want to get off, the man or woman that the person would choose is usually… I mean, obviously, lower requirement than somebody you’re going to spend your entire life with and have children with. No, duh.
And this is like one of the big differences between men and boys; boys playing as, like, trying to just get girls and sex and they’re trying to be cool. Versus just like, if you just stop to think about it, it’s not underground, it’s not like some weirdoes. Here’s the difference… Oh, well, I’ll get to it. I’m getting ahead of myself. “What I should do then? Fake having standards?” Well, you have standards, just lower standards when it comes to short-term relationships. “When you only fuck girls who meet your standards, then you only fuck one girl a year.” So, you clearly mean when you only fuck girls who meet your long-term dating standards, then you only fuck one girl a year, man, which is good.
The other question… So, he’s got another question I’m going to dispatch with it very easily. The other question, “What should I do when I meet a girl who is meeting my standards and I really like her?” So, in other words, either way you’re fucked, right? So, you meet a girl who doesn’t meet your standards, you don’t know what to do. You meet a girl who does meet your standards, you don’t know what to do. So, this is… You know, what to do.
“Treating her like I am not interested in her. For example, I had sex with a nice girl and want to see her again but I assume that she has lots of guys in her life so it’s better to ignore her and wait until she’s invests in me.” This is the mindset that guys, going into PUA, get something out of, because the mindset is so bad that if you replace it with the less bad mindset, they’ll think, “Oh man, the less bad mindset was great!” That’s the problem, right? This is just a horrible mindset. The PUA mindset is less horrible yet still horrible, you get it?
So right now, the PUAs are going to tell him, “Alright, yeah, treat her like you’re not that interested in her. Lay back, be cool.” Right now, because he’s needy and he hasn’t figured out the psychology yet; he’s not mature yet. So, anything he does will just be tainted with this neediness so it’s better to pretend to be a cool non-needy guy, because in reality you are not a non-needy guy, you’re a needy guy. So, just pretending will get you a little bit of results better than what you had if you were just honestly, “Hey, I’m a needy fucking guy.”
But here’s the thing, that’s one of the biggest differences between what I teach and what PUAs teach. PUAs teach manipulation, pretending, deceiving, trying to be somebody you’re not. What I’m teaching, I don’t know what the term for it is but it could just be being a good person; just being a good person. So, you shouldn’t ever, and the guys in my coaching programs, should never have to hide their intentions. They just have to ask themselves, “Are they doing what is right and consistent with their purpose in life, and their meaning in life, and their true and authentic selves, whether they’re in line with their true authentic selves in that moment?”
And if they are, yes, then they can do whatever the fuck they want and it’ll be great, because that’s the only thing people want from you, really; authenticity. So, if you like her, then you got to say what you like about her, right? You have to have generally high standards, not just bullshit standards. Like, I know a lot of guys who say they want an intelligent, educated woman and he’s not even intelligent and educated, so it’s just bullshit. So, you have to know what it is you’re going after and knowing exactly how to get it. I obviously can’t do it in a ten minute video here, but I do it in a 55 hour course called Limitless and I go even deeper in terms of the experiential component of it in another course called Invincible.
So, to go into more depth there… I’m also thinking I should be able to encapsulate it into a 200-page book that will not be as full of a treatment as Limitless or Invincible but will be a good 200-page entryway, a gateway to it. So, I’m working out a big on that. Hopefully I have a portion of some time in the summer to hash that out, so look forward to that. But that was the second question, the answer is: learn my shit, okay? So just actually, respect and do some of the readings, okay?
But I know you’ve been watching the videos. I know that videos are more entertaining. If I go a little bit more extreme… So, I don’t want to be too hard on you, Thomas, because you’ve been- you’ve got a good [INAUDIBLE] to you in asking a lot of questions and I like that. Thomas’ first question, “When you see a girl that is not good enough to be your girlfriend,” and I’m assuming physically because she’s not physically beautiful enough. The examples you give here are just when you first see her, “But she’s cute enough to have sex with. What should you do?” There he asks his question.
“What should I do? Fake having standards?” No, just don’t start promising shit that you don’t intend. Don’t use relationship language, don’t promise that you’re going to spend date time together. If you just want to hook up, then just go hook up all the way. See, this is the difference: Don’t try to pretend. Don’t play games. Don’t play games. I just killed a fucking mosquito, ugh. And now I got it on three fingers, ugh. Don’t play games. Just be honest and authentic. And a lot of guys who are not socially intelligent, they’re like, “Oh, be honest means I have to be boring.” I’m going to address that in another video: stop being fucking boring.
Like, “Oh, I now want to engage in sexual relations with you.” No, that’s because your personality sucks that you don’t know how to have fun. That’s another problem a lot of guys have. But no, I’m talking about right now, just honesty, right? So, don’t leave her on in terms of letting her think that there’s going to be anything more than hanging out and hooking up. So, hanging out and hooking up. This is why Tinder’s good, because generally there isn’t that assumption that it’s going to turn into marriage off Tinder. It’s more like, “Hey, let’s hang out, plan B is to be friends, plan A is hey, if it works out, we’ll hook up.” Right? That’s the standard Tinder MO.
And in real life, that’s the way the rare player does it. If he’s in the player stage but he doesn’t want to create tons of drama and he wants to be able to go back to the club and see the girls that he hooked up with. He has to be completely transparent with it and just be clear that, “We’re just having some fun.” So, “Hey, you want to have some fun?” That’s the language you’re using. Fun, easy-going, open-minded, adventurous, spontaneous, “Let’s do some spontaneous, independent stuff”, right? Like, she’s independent, you’re screening and qualifying on those things and your vibe is like that. Whereas in a relationship, you’ll have those but you’ll also have longer-term things like looking into each other’s hobbies, art, culture, travel together; more of the actual, deeper part of your personality.
Now, a lot of guys, for them, it turns out that they just don’t attract women for short-term relationships that much because they don’t have enough fun and spontaneity in their lives. And that’s a trade-off. Now, if you want to develop both sides of yourself, do so and you’ll have abundance in both sides. So, if you develop your physical body and your fashion, if you develop your sexuality, your sexual presence, your sexual vibe, your eye contact, your tonality, your body language and everything, your presence most importantly, you’ll be drawing women in for both long-term and short-term relationships. And you got a big difference between a short and long-term, is escalation and the time of escalation.
So, if you’re looking for something quick, you want to start escalating physically quickly, so that if it’s a girl who doesn’t want to have the short-term relationship and is looking for a long-term thing, especially from you, from a guy like you, she’d want a long-term thing, then she’ll let it be known to you by pushing back and resisting the physical escalation. Which is your signal to say, “Okay, this person is not ready for this relationship. If I were then to use my words to manipulate her and leave her on, I would be leading her on and deceiving her, and then I am a despicable human being.” So, you got to make it clear.
Now, even when you make it clear, it still may be tricky because girls may still fall for you just because you’re awesome, you know, you’re awesome. [LAUGHS] And my clients are awesome, and girls fall in love with them even when they’re very explicit verbally about it being a short-term. And then at that point, for the more advanced guys I tell them, “You should just stay away from those situations and keep her at arm’s length. Once you get the idea of that, she’s looking for something bigger, longer that you can’t deliver, or that you’re not willing to deliver at this point in your life.”
Because it’s sort of like this, it’s sort of like a crack cocaine drug dealer telling this first time user, “Hey, this is really dangerous for you, okay?” But then, describing all the awesome benefits of it and then giving her a free taste, giving the boy a free taste, and then the dealer saying – when the kid becomes addicted, the dealer comes back to say, “I told you! I fucking told you what this was”, you know, “You came into it with your own free choice, free will, your decision to get addicted. Now, give me my money.” That’s the dynamic.
So, don’t fucking say you can absolve yourself of responsibility, player boy, PUA player boys, just because you verbally assent to, or verbally warn her, or verbally you’ve been saying that you’re not looking for something. But in here and in here, you know she’s looking for something more and you continue to drag her on, lead her on. I used to do that kind of stuff, so I know that does not absolve you of responsibility. Grow up. Be a man. The show’s about being a man, right? Be a man. It’s not little boy shit, 20 year old shit over there, right? I’m talking to a lot of 20 year olds on this show too.
Dating Tips for Men
If you want to grow up quick, if you want… Then again, I just did another episode where I was saying, you want to go at your pace. Wherever you’re at, just go there, stay there and do that pace. Don’t speed it up. Don’t become 50 before you hit 50. But what’s coming up is that you’re going to mature and realize looking back, all the girls that you thought you were being honest with, you didn’t even go far enough with them. That’s what my point is. My point is this: You can’t go too far with your honest intentions, because what you’re trying to do is read from her what she wants. And it’s got to be clear that what she wants coincides with what you want, which is a short-term relationship.
Tips for Men
So, that was a much deeper answer than what Thomas was looking for. Thomas was looking for a really superficial answer. That was a bad question. I replaced it with a deeper question, and I hope you understand what the responsibilities are there on your side. It’s just the truth. I mean, it’s just obvious that people have lower standards for short-term relationships than they do for someone that they’re going to spend their entire life with and have a family with. So no, duh, right? So, pretty obvious, but then I answered a deeper question, a question that excited me, a question that interested me. So, I hope you enjoyed that. I hope you got some benefit out of that. And until next time, Man Up!