Man Up | Ep. 231 • March 29, 2018
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or over a decade, David Tian, Ph.D., has coached tens of thousands of people from over 87 countries to achieve happiness and success in their dating and love lives.
Once a nerdy, skinny professor of Asian philosophy who couldn’t hold a conversation to save his life, David is now director of Aura Transformation Corp., and a world renowned therapeutic coach. Dr. Tian has been featured in international media, including AXN, Cosmopolitan, Psychology Today, as well as co-hosting a radio show on national radio and a weekly dating advice column in a national newspaper in Singapore. Formerly a professor at the National University of Singapore, Dr. Tian is actively researching, speaking, and publishing in the areas of philosophy and psychology.
The show, “Man Up: Masculinity for the Intelligent Man,” is David’s way of helping as many people as possible enjoy empowering and fulfilling lives, while contributing to the global understanding of masculinity in modern times. In the show, he takes your questions posed in The Man Up private Facebook group and answers based on his experience Coaching tens of thousands of students around the world for over a decade.
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Dr. David Tian: Boom, stop! I’m David Tian, and in this video, I answer the question: Which woman should I go for? Safe or successful?
Masculinity for the Intelligent Man. I’m David Tian, Ph.D and this is Man Up!
Hi, I’m David Tian, and for over the past 11 years, I’ve been helping hundreds of thousands of people in over 87 countries attain success, happiness, and fulfilment in life and love. Welcome to Man Up. I believe it’s Episode 231. We’re at the villa, a little vacation home here, or not so little. Beautiful view of the ocean, and that’s our dining room, living room there, and then the bedroom’s on the other side. There are three separate houses. The kitchen, full kitchen is in another house. Anyway, so let’s get into it.
I got a question here that generated quite a lot of comments in the private Man Up Facebook group. If you haven’t joined the group yet, click the link, join the group. This comes from Sier [sp]. I’m not actually sure how to pronounce it, ‘see-are’, I think. And Sier’s question got a lot of comments. I didn’t expect that, and partly because it’s from a very traditional background. I’m not exactly sure what country he is from, but let’s get into it, and you’ll find out more as we go along. Here we go.
“I’ve been talking with this girl for the last three years.” He says, “I’m kind of stuck in this love triangle kind of situation. For the last three years, on and off, we’ve sexted a few times. She is my relative, a traditional thinker.” I was like, “Wait, what? She’s your relative?” So, apparently, it’s his cousin once removed, and this is like normal in wherever they’re from. “A traditional thinker who believes that women should stay home and take care of the family, while the man works outside to provide for the family. On the other hand, I recently met this girl online who seems very sincere, goals-oriented and highly educated. She is driven and passionate.”
So basically, he’s more interested in, he’s more attracted to the girl he calls goal-oriented, highly educated, driven and passionate, and he thinks it would be easy to wife up and control, basically, the one he calls the co-dependent submissive. “The independent girl is very supportive of me to be independent and pursue my educational goals. She says she has no expectations of me and she’s willing to help me while I’m going through college. So, the girl that is co-dependent to me is the safer option because she is so…” Oh, wait. This is the co-dependent girl. She supports him, and supportive of all his goals, and he says she’s co-dependent.
I think he’s using that word in the wrong way, by the way. I think maybe he means she’s needy. I’m going to just drop the co-dependent because I think you’re using that word, Sier, in the wrong way. “So, the girl that is needy to me is the safer option because she is so obedient and submissive. However, the girl I met recently is very successful and independent, but she says that she loves me and she wants to make a family with me. But I feel insecure with her because she is very charismatic and very pretty.”
“I know that if I chose the needy girl, I basically have a worry-free relationship because she listens to whatever I say and she barely leaves home. But the risk of our relationship ending in a breakup or divorce is higher with the independent girl.” I don’t know what country this is in, if it’s plugged into the internet, which it seems like it is. That world is going to die, except for some cataclysmic third-world — like a world war or something, where Hollywood, and Google, and Facebook, and the internet is blown up or something. It’s going to be really hard for you to maintain these sorts of views because they’re just not tenable. It’s very easy to entice through temptation a woman to think that there’s something greater in life.
Let’s just get into it. Finally, he says, “Personally, I’m very impressed and infatuated by this independent girl, and she told me that she loves me many times. Now, I have a hard time deciding whether going forward to marry the insecure, co-dependent girl is safer or get into a relationship with this independent, charismatic girl that will lead to a marriage in the future.” I’m going to drop the traditional stuff. I’m not going to say anything about that. That’s over there. I want to make it applicable to the guys who are watching this.
The main issue here is a guy who is torn between two women, a safer option and a sexier option, basically. The safer option is the insecure, submissive girl. Submissive not in a sexual way, but just in her personally, and he thinks she’s safer, he can control her more. This is one of the many times, I suppose, that I’m behind women’s rights here. I’m glad that my daughter won’t have to deal with men like this very much because it’s pretty misogynistic. So, his view of a relationship is he gets to do his way, she’s just there like a plant. She’s just there to look pretty, support him. She’s basically his slave, right? And as long as she meets his needs, they’re A-Okay, and it’s easy to meet her needs because he says she’s insecure.
This is a horrible relationship that’s about to happen here. She will always be unfulfilled and he will always be unfulfilled. Here’s why: These traditional relationships where the man is misogynistic and the woman is submissive… No person is actually happy being submissive. If you look at the history of slaves, you think, “Oh, slaves. They’re happily cleaning my shit, and I can just kick them and abuse them, and they’re not saying anything. They look fine.” Yeah, but actually, underneath this is seething bitterness, and they’re just repressing or suppressing that. Every human being has within them the belief that they are worthy, the desire to be worthy.
And just because she’s acting on the outside like she’s a loser and she doesn’t deserve any better doesn’t mean that that’s actually unconsciously what she thinks. Unconsciously, she would be well-served by a man who sees her, who’s in love with her, who sees her with so much potential, and so on. So, anyway, she’s not going to be fulfilled because you’re basically just using her as a slave. You’re not going to be fulfilled as you’re talking about here because no one can respect the slave. So, if you’re in a relationship where you’re starting a family with this, you’re going to cheat because you just can’t get sexually excited about her. So, this is the downfall of all traditional relationships.
It used to work in the past because there was no choice. It used to work in the past because you lived in your village, and if you cheated on her or committed adultery, the village elders would find out and stone you. You’re in the kind of society that still marries cousins. The world is changing pretty quick. If she’s able to escape that place, physically, and is able to plug into the internet, she’s going to learn all these things about freedoms, and these very attractive ideals that would — She could find a video that says ‘I’m enough’, and she might start to believe that. And maybe she’ll watch some of my videos, and maybe she’ll watch this video, and she’ll be like, “Fuck you, Sier. You’re a piece of shit.” And she finally gets her own [INAUDIBLE 00:07:13] and punches you in the face and walks out.
And then maybe in your society, you might throw acid on her or something, so that’s pretty bad. So, that’s a deterrent, right? But inside, she’s like, “I want to be enough.” That’s her unconscious belief. Anyway, that relationship is doomed in that traditional way in this time now, where everyone’s plugged into the internet and information is easily accessible. As long as she’s not being physically controlled, she’s not going to be happy there. And she will never be happy there. She can just convince herself to be a slave.
So, the slave and slave-owner relationship is not a love relationship. On the other hand, unless in some really warped way… Anyway, on the other hand, the guy who is attracted, the thing that he’s actually sexually attracted to, is ‘independent, charismatic girl’, ‘very successful’, and ‘independent’. He keeps saying independent. That scares him, a woman who is independent. See, all these traditional guys. I’m in one of those rare groups where I happen to be in Asia, and I’m an Asian face, I suppose, so guys that are not normally in other groups on dating or men’s groups are in my group, and they’re from all over the world.
So, we got guys from India, from the Middle East, all over the world, from Africa, all over the world. It’s interesting because their cultures are so vastly different from the west, and even from most of Asia. They are still in the — of women should not have independence, and that independence scares them because, who knows, a woman might stand up for herself, and then you’ll have to actually deal with her as another human being. So, clearly, you’re seeing where my values are, and I firmly believe these and can defend them philosophically. I challenge you to defend yours, but yeah.
Look, there’s a lot of guys who are afraid of independent, successful women. I have a whole free course on that. It’s a course for dating for smart, successful men. So, I have, in my past, a lot of clients… In fact, all my clients were smart and successful because I charged high rates because that’s the type of person I want. When we open it up to free, so now we have a free group and free courses, I’m getting a lot of guys who are not as successful as they’d like to be, so they’re insecure about their success, and they’re insecure around a woman who is more successful. That usually means more money, and she can speak better, she’s better educated, and maybe she comes from a better family, that is a richer family, usually, and they feel insecure because their self-worth is based on all of those things, and she beats him on all those points.
I have a whole other video. It’s called… I can’t remember the name, but it’s Man Up Episode 170, and then the follow-up is 174, and it’s about how to compete with the other guy. So, it started off with a guy being very insecure because this other guy had all of — he was more successful, better body, all this other stuff, and he felt insecure competing with that other guy to get this girl. It’s the same issue. You’re insecure because you don’t match up well versus her on all of these things that are important to you: money, status, body, whatever it is that’s important to you; articulateness, education, formal education, all that shit.
Go watch that video. That’s a whole other bag there, Episode 170 and then 174, being worthy of love, and so on. You got to get that handled. You got to get your insecurity handled. And some other guys are asking this question, I saw that earlier in the past couple days, guys saying, “Hey, I got this date with this girl but she’s so successful, and so independent, and so charismatic. I feel so insecure. Any tips?” I hate it when guys ask tips. If I see a guy ask tips, I’m going to start just kicking you out of the group. I don’t do tips. I do strategies. I do methods. I do psychology.
Anyway, tips are useless. Look, you can see a guy who asks for tips, I’ve already done a whole podcast on this, guys who ask for tips have already the loser mindset. This plays into the question, right? The guy’s like, “I’m not successful. Any tips?” Well, that’s why you’re not successful, because you keep looking for fucking tips, and hacks, and cheats. Here’s the deal. In the comments, in response to those guys, they’re like, “Dude, you’re…” They’re trying to cheer him, like motivational pep talk, “You’re A-Okay, you’re doing great, man. You’re the man.” That’s bullshit. That’s like a guy going to his garden, and there’s weeds all over, he’s just like, “There’s no weeds. There’s no weeds.”
He’s obese and he’s like in the mirror, like, “I’m so thin. I’m so thin.” It doesn’t change the fucking reality. So, if you’re poorer than her, if you’re less articulate than her, as I could be, if you are less educated than her, if you’re more out of shape than her, if there’s an age discrepancy and you happen to value age in a particular direction… If you suck on all of those metrics that you value, then the truth is, you suck. And the problem isn’t that you suck and that you should think that you don’t suck, the problem is your values. Your values are all wrong. Sier will never find happiness. Anybody who values the things that he values will never find lasting fulfilment and happiness.
Even when he can lord it over and slave that bitch, right, then he’s still… Oh, don’t show my… Even if you lord it over and slave that bitch, he’s not going to find happiness. And then when he’s with the independent girl that makes him really excited and sexy, that’s not going to last because he’s going to sabotage it because of his insecurities. So, go to Episode 170 and 174 where we talk about what to do when you feel very insecure because the girl’s cooler than you, or more successful, or whatever. And then also, go to the underlying reasons why this is the case. I made a set of videos on the nice guy and the predator. The white knight-predator.
There, I use the word co-dependent in a more accurate way than you are. So, it’s a needy, nice guy, in a kind of pathological sense, who is actually a closeted narcissist as CR is. He’s a closeted narcissist because he values these superficial, materialistic, ‘successful’ things and that’s all that matters to him. You know this means that if we were as successful and charismatic as that girl, he’d look down on his old self and he’d look down on any guy who is like him. There’s no love there. There’s no grace there. He’s basically a nazi but he’s on the losing end of that. So, he wants to be a strong nazi so he can date the strong nazi girl and fuck her.
In the meantime, there’s no love. There’s no real connection. It’s just pure animalistic attraction here on both sides. So, one is an easily controlled animal, the other is a wild horse that he wants to tame but he doesn’t think he’s got the skills to tame it. So, it’s pretty simple. Figure out your insecurities, go to 170, 174, and then go watch the series of videos I’ve done on the white knight syndrome. I’m not sure which episode number it is, but ‘David Tian white knight’, google that.
As well, you can watch the Modern Mating Explained set of videos, the Practical Psychology for Extraordinary Living, and you can go see those videos. That will answer, at a deeper level, this issue of what you’re attracted to as being bad for you — but you think is bad for you because it intimidates you, because you’re insecure. But actually, if you don’t go towards that direction of the thing that you’re actually attracted to sexually, and in terms of emotions, and you go with the safe option, you will never be happy. So, I’ll see you inside the Man Up Facebook group. Join the group. Connect with us there. I’ll see you inside the group there. David Tian, signing out. I got to run to breakfast. We’re getting pretty late and it’s getting hot out here. So, I’ll see you inside the group. David Tian, signing out. Man Up!