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For over a decade, David Tian, Ph.D., has coached tens of thousands of people from over 87 countries to achieve happiness and success in their dating and love lives.

Once a nerdy, skinny professor of philosophical psychology who couldn’t hold a conversation to save his life, David is now director of Aura Transformation Corp., and a world renowned dating and life coach using therapeutic methods. Dr. Tian has been featured in international media, including AXN, Cosmopolitan, Psychology Today, as well as co-hosting a radio show on national radio and a weekly dating advice column in a national newspaper in Singapore. Formerly a professor at the National University of Singapore, Dr. Tian is actively researching, speaking, and publishing in the areas of philosophy and psychology.

The show, “Man Up: Masculinity for the Intelligent Man,” is David’s way of helping as many people as possible enjoy empowering and fulfilling lives, while contributing to the global understanding of masculinity in modern times. In the show, he takes your questions posed in The Man Up private Facebook group and answers based on his experience Coaching tens of thousands of students around the world for over a decade.

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How To Meet Women In Small Towns

In episode 70 of man up, I answer the question of: How do you meet new women, in a small town, when you’re in your 30s?

[Intro Music]

Masculinity for the Intelligent Man. I am David Tian, Ph.D., and this is: Man Up!

[Music Fades]

Hi, I’m David Tian, Ph.D. and welcome to episode 70 of man up. I’m in Bangkok. Pretty pumped to get this one out. Been procrastinating a bit in detox week after a pretty intense… coming out of the… felt like the holiday partying. Had a good detox week, ready to jump back into things. Anyway, let’s get into it. Okay first question or question for this episode from Doug, from the “Man Up!” group on the private Facebook Man Up group.

Okay, it’s a relatively simple question. He’s a 36 year old and his question is “where should a mid to late thirties guy”, so a guy in his thirties, “in a small town”, so he’s in a small town, “go to meet new women?”. So where do guys in their thirties – mid to late – I guess that’s sort of important, go to meet women, new women in small towns. Okay great!

So my goal is to get these Man Up videos down to five, six, seven minutes. And I take it as a personal challenge so I’m going to try and do it for this one. Okay, so, my exposure or experience with small towns is, I think the smallest town I’ve ever lived in was in Ann Arbor, Michigan and that was about a hundred and twenty thousand I think back then.

If you’re town is a lot smaller like five thousand or something, I don’t really have much experience in living in a place like that. I’ve driven through places like that but I don’t know what it’s really like to… you know I’ve had friends who grew up in places like that. So what I know personally that I can vouch for, insofar as your town is smaller than a hundred thousand, so it’ll become less and less true.

One of the things is if your town is a thousand people, like that’s smaller than the population of my high school, in Toronto, you should move. If you’re a single guy, I mean you probably know all the women there. You probably grew up with them. Unless it’s a community for lots of small town with 15-minute drive from the edge of each of these towns, there’s a possibility.

Then it’s like a wide spread of communities. Otherwise, I would move. No matter what, you should move to the big city. Because I don’t care about these short term fixes, I don’t care about parroting somebody else’s line. That’s one of the reasons why I don’t like what came out of the pick up artist community or movement or group or industry I should say because a lot of it was short term fake.

There’s a short term fix if you live in a small town. If at that point in your life you want to meet new women, you’ll just do so much better… if you had an amazing game so to speak, like when you’re really good in flirting with women and connecting with them but you live in a town of two people, it’s just not going to happen. The bigger pond you go to, the bigger the pond, the better you’ll do in terms of finding new women. Just fucking move to a new big city. If you’re a single guy, that’s the time to do it.

If you’ve got a family with kids and you want to have a safer community, whatever that means, less petty theft and whatever… yeah, move out to the smaller towns as a bucolic thing. If you really love the country side, that’s a different thing. What you’re basically doing is you’re giving up – it’s a trade-off wherever you choose to live. I’m choosing to live in Bangkok, because I travel so much, even though I live in Bangkok, I just haven’t been able to stay consistent with my Thai language classes.

I had a tutor who came in everyday when I’m here. When I’m not here like four weeks at a time, like sometimes I’m away for two months from my things. But I travel around all over so that’s a trade-off. I have to trade off the desire to learn the Thai language in order to do more travel. So everything’s a trade-off.

The trade-off for living in a small town is you just don’t get the opportunities and it’s so important – the logistics, the environment that you’re in, in determining who you are as a person that no matter what you could do to compensate for the fact that you live in a small town in terms of meeting new women is just not going to compare to actually moving to a big city. I think as a young person, you said you were mid to late thirties, so… but if you’re single, if you’re single… if you’re single and you want to meet a partner, you ought to move to a big city.

But if you’re a small town guy and you really like the small town culture then I get it. So you like that and I know plenty of people who do – who prefer that. And that’s a certain type of personality, and that’s cool. So here’s where you’ve got to go. You go to wherever people… or young people congregate. I’m assuming you want to meet single women, right? So, wherever single women congregate and that’s often… like in Ann Arbor, it was in the café. Obviously there were bars. Where there are hundred thousand people, there are a lot of bars.

If you’re town is like fifty thousand people, there might only be two to three bars that are good. In Arbor we had a nightclub but it was pretty bad. At least it had a night club. But you’re looking at the hub for activity where there is the most foot traffic. There’s usually a main street. And on this main street you’ll have café’s and bookstores. Well not anymore. Café’s and restaurants and these restaurants often turn into lounges after 10pm. Might bring a DJ in and tiny dance floor, you know, but it will have that atmosphere.

You’re looking for turnovers. You’re looking for new people. Because if you’ve lived in a small town, ok, so here are two scenarios. Let me keep it under control. There are two scenarios, one is you are new to the small town and in which case you just go to the high traffic areas and just be friendly and talk to people. And no matter where you are, either it’s a big city or a small town, you’ll be looking for people who share your interest.

So if you’re interested in improv comedy, go meet people out of improv classes. Dancing – go meet people especially women at ballroom… couples dancing like ballroom dance, line dances. If you’re interested in yoga, that’s awesome right? So just go to your interest first and foremost. It’s the same whether you’re in a big city or small town.

However if you’ve been in this small town forever, for a long time, and you feel like you know that the people there already, the eligible women, basically what you’re looking for are fresh prospects, fresh leads. So what you need to do is go to the tourist parts of town. Go to the tourists departs.

At Ann Arbor, it was Maine street in Kerrytown in the campus area. Over the edges of the campus because tourists generally didn’t get to the center of the campus much. So the edge of campus you get all the bars and restaurants and cafés and sushi restaurants. Hang out in places. In back in my day there was big borders so you have all that activity going on. Where do people socialize and hangout, you should go there and do your work there. Bring a book to the café, you know, just get to know the verses and when someone new is coming in or a tourist or someone just moves there, you can probably go there too and you can go and meet them there.

Okay, so look for the social hot spots in any community. There will always be one, even like a town of twenty thousand will have a neighborhood bar where everyone goes after work and hangs out. Go there. Don’t go often to the forest alone. You’re not going to meet many women there.

Okay, so common sense. Seven or eight minutes… so join the private Facebook group that’s where Douglas… Doug, asked this question, you can too. I want to hear from you. The show is run on your questions. I need to hear your questions. Go in the private Facebook group, click the link in the corner and I will see you in the group. Until next time, man up!