Man Up | Ep. 122 • July 02, 2016
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or over a decade, David Tian, Ph.D., has coached tens of thousands of people from over 87 countries to achieve happiness and success in their dating and love lives.
Once a nerdy, skinny professor of philosophical psychology who couldn’t hold a conversation to save his life, David is now director of Aura Transformation Corp., and a world renowned dating and life coach using therapeutic methods. Dr. Tian has been featured in international media, including AXN, Cosmopolitan, Psychology Today, as well as co-hosting a radio show on national radio and a weekly dating advice column in a national newspaper in Singapore. Formerly a professor at the National University of Singapore, Dr. Tian is actively researching, speaking, and publishing in the areas of philosophy and psychology.
The show, “Man Up: Masculinity for the Intelligent Man,” is David’s way of helping as many people as possible enjoy empowering and fulfilling lives, while contributing to the global understanding of masculinity in modern times. In the show, he takes your questions posed in The Man Up private Facebook group and answers based on his experience Coaching tens of thousands of students around the world for over a decade.
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Why Do Women Cheat?
David Tian: Boom! Stop. In Episode 122 of Man Up, I answer the question of: Why do women cheat?
Masculinity for the intelligent man. I’m David Tian, Ph.D. and this is Man Up!
Hey, I’m David Tian, Ph.D., and for over the past ten years, I’ve been helping millions of people from over 87 countries attain success in life and love. And this is Episode 122 of Man Up, Masculinity for the Intelligent Man. I just said now a million people, because I realized that we have tens of thousands of paying members, customers and clients, but through our email list and various other platforms, we have helped and touch well over a million people’s lives. So, going for the million!
Now, private Facebook group has a question for the Man Up show. This is Episode 122 from Mr. Hang, he’s got a question here which is, “What is the reason why women cheat?”
Now, this is Episode 122, and you can watch in older episodes as I go through my learning curve of how to do these video episodes, and one of the things I was trying to do forever through the series so far is to try to keep these episodes below ten minutes. Most of the time that’s not happened, and part of the reason why is because I try to give a thorough answer. That was a mistake.
You know, I’m a lifelong academic, and to give a thorough answer to anything… I come from a field where you can write a 600-page dissertation on a single word, right? So, it’s always a challenge for me when I think I have to give a proper answer. But I’m not going to do that anymore, and hopefully if I just focus on maybe one perspective or one factor in these episodes, and I can do that thoroughly, and then with a caveat that if you want a more thorough answer, more detailed answer, then you should get into our other video courses or watch some other videos.
But this particular question, “Why do women cheat?” The most thorough answer would be found in Limitless which we open up a few times a year. So, get on the waiting list for Limitless if you’re curious about the thorough answer of the question, why women cheat. So, you can find Limitless and get on the waiting list by going to our main site, AuraTransformation.org, and then you go to ‘products’, drop down menu and you see Limitless there. Okay, let’s answer the question.
The most important factors. I will give you the two most important factors here. And so, the first most important factor is, the woman would cheat when her needs are not being met, when one or more of her needs are not being met, or more precisely, when not enough, insufficiently, when not enough of her needs are being met in that relationship. So, she gets into the relationship – if she sincerely got into the relationship – she got into it because enough of her needs were being met, that it outweighed whatever risk of commitment there was, so she went into the relationship and committed to it because her needs were being met.
At some point in that relationship, not enough of her needs were being met, so she went and got her needs met elsewhere by one or more other men, other parties. There’s that, so not enough of her needs are being met paired with the lack of ethical or moral integrity. So, she lacked integrity: falling through with a commitment even when she doesn’t feel like it. That’s a sign of emotional maturity. So, a cheater, somebody who cheats, a woman who cheats in a relationship, not enough of her needs are being met and she lacked integrity.
So, the integrity one, I think that’s pretty straightforward. That’s pretty obvious, right? The first one is less obvious, and the issue about her needs not being met – a lot of the guys I’ve worked with are really nice guys, really well-meaning guys. And when they hear something like that, I think they’ll think that – because of their own insecurities, they’ll feel like it was their failure that her needs were not being met. And this is not true. Now, sometimes, it’s his failure and, well, many times there are reasons why the needs were not being met, where the man could’ve shored that up. And there’s almost always some sort of fault on both sides, but there are definitely plenty of cases where you just don’t want to meet those needs.
Maybe one of the needs that are not being met by a woman who cheats, or that are not being met for a woman who cheats, is narcissistic supply. So in other words, maybe she’s not getting enough validation or approval of her ego stroking in that relationship anymore. Because now she knows that this guy likes her, over time that becomes less and less important in terms of getting feeding her narcissism. So, she looks for validation and approval from new sources because, you know, she’s already got this guy so she’s looking to conquer new challenges, right? She doesn’t know this unconsciously most of the time, but that’s definitely an issue. That’s an example of where it’s not the man’s fault, it’s just that she wasn’t ready for a relationship.
And there are plenty of people, it could be up to 4%, in some fields up to 10%, of the population who either have narcissistic disorder or what are generally known as, in the larger category of Cluster B personality disorders, including psychopaths, psychopathy, or psychopathic disorder, or antisocial disorder, borderline personalities. These are basically people who lack empathy and who are narcissists just to some degree. They’re all narcissists but some are greater narcissists.
Now, what that means is, there are plenty of women that you’ll meet in nightlife venues, and in Wall Street and in places where there’s a lot of power and money. So, fashion’s another one of those places, entertainment industries, where the woman is getting lots of attention, and that attention becomes something that she feeds on.
And after a while, she’ll become satiated by the attention from one source and she’ll need new sources of attention to feed her insatiable narcissistic supply, her narcissistic ego. So, that’s not an uncommon case, actually, because the more attractive a man becomes, the more susceptible he is to getting into a relationship with a woman who’s used to getting lots of ego validation from society and from other men. So, she’ll have to be mature enough not to need that, not to feed off that.
Now, that’s a special case, actually, right? So, the rest of the population, that might be two percent, three percent of the population, right? So, in most cases, especially for the nice guys who don’t have a lot of game and who aren’t in nightlife or entertainment or anything; for the regular population, the normal population, that the needs that are not being met would include the need of feeling significant; the need for security; the need for novelty, of unpredictability, of uncertainty, novelty; the need for connection and love; the need for growth; and the need to give, the need to feel the joy of giving or contributing to something greater.
They were probably met at the beginning of the relationship, then over time they became less and less important to one or more parties, one or both parties, and the woman, one of her needs – or one or more, probably more – of her needs are not being met, so she looked elsewhere. A common scenario is, at the beginning of a relationship, a guy puts lots of attention on her, spends lots of time with her, so she’s getting that connection with him, so she’s getting that need met. Then she feels significant and he makes her feel significant because he put a lot of attention on her, and there’s a lot of uncertainty at the beginning of a relationship. It’s all new. So of course, there’s novelty.
And over time, what’ll happen is, those three needs of novelty, that’s probably the first one that will go because they get into a routine, and it becomes predictable, and a lot of people, a lot of younger women and attractive women, are used to getting lots of novelty in their lives and they need that again.
And a guy often, when he’s in a relationship, will then think, “Okay, got that relationship thing down, check”, right? And then he goes off and like, “Oh, now it’s time to make money, now it’s time to focus on my career”, so his priorities change and there’s no wonder why she would look elsewhere emotionally, and now you’re counting on her integrity kicking in, but emotionally she would go elsewhere because the need for new experiences is not being met by the man anymore, plus the need for connection, it’s not being met by him anymore because his attention is elsewhere, and then she doesn’t feel as significant or important anymore to him.
And with those three very important, universal needs – everybody has those needs to some degree – when they’re not being met enough, she’s going to look elsewhere, she’s going to want to look elsewhere.
Whether she actually follows through with that desire will come down to her integrity. So, if a woman cheats, you automatically know she lacks integrity to some degree, and the deeper issue of the psychology is that one or more of her fundamental human and personality needs are not being met. So, the secret, the takeaway is, if her needs are not being met, then the way to make sure a woman never cheats on you, if that’s one of your concerns, is to be sure to know what her needs are as a human being, as an individual. Whether she needs security, or connection, or to feel important, and to make sure you meet those needs on a consistent, daily basis.
Even if, over time, maybe it’ll take extra creativity for you, or it’ll take extra work as a man to consider her needs and to place her needs as a high priority, you’ll need to do that if you want a thriving, passionate relationship and one that lasts. So, there you go. Make sure that you’re meeting your partner’s needs and they won’t cheat on you. Secondly, look for somebody who has integrity and look for a track record or history of integrity. Does she display compassion to other people even if she has nothing to gain from them, especially material or power gain, from those people? Does she continue and still want to contribute to them?
Okay, so that’s Episode 122. I’m, by the way, filming in the suite here at The W in Los Angeles. I sleep in the second bedroom there behind me. I’m also filming with a new shotgun mic. Hopefully, the sound is good. The lapel mic, the battery’s always a little wonky, so this one is plugged right into the camera. [BELL RINGS] Hope that works out. Oh, got someone coming to the door. Alright, so until the next episode, join the private Facebook group. I’ll see you inside there. It’s David Tian, over and out. Man Up![MUSIC]