Man Up | Ep. 131 • August 01, 2016
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or over a decade, David Tian, Ph.D., has coached tens of thousands of people from over 87 countries to achieve happiness and success in their dating and love lives.
Once a nerdy, skinny professor of philosophical psychology who couldn’t hold a conversation to save his life, David is now director of Aura Transformation Corp., and a world renowned dating and life coach using therapeutic methods. Dr. Tian has been featured in international media, including AXN, Cosmopolitan, Psychology Today, as well as co-hosting a radio show on national radio and a weekly dating advice column in a national newspaper in Singapore. Formerly a professor at the National University of Singapore, Dr. Tian is actively researching, speaking, and publishing in the areas of philosophy and psychology.
The show, “Man Up: Masculinity for the Intelligent Man,” is David’s way of helping as many people as possible enjoy empowering and fulfilling lives, while contributing to the global understanding of masculinity in modern times. In the show, he takes your questions posed in The Man Up private Facebook group and answers based on his experience Coaching tens of thousands of students around the world for over a decade.
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David Tian: Boom! Stop. In Episode 131 of Man Up, I answer the question of: What to do when your woman throws a tantrum?
Masculinity for the intelligent man. I’m David Tian, Ph.D. and this is Man Up!
Hey! This is David Tian, Ph.D. And for over the past ten years, I’ve been helping millions of people in over 87 countries attain success in life and love through the application of wisdom and cutting-edge research. And here I am in Bali in the Grand Hyatt Resort. I’ve been here for a week now and this really cool bird just literally flew in as I was starting. Pretty cool.
So, this is from the Garden Cafe, a view of… This is the Japanese quarter going that way, and that’s where the suite was, in the club area, the Club Wing is what it’s called. And this is a gorgeous… I think that bird thinks we’re going to feed it or something. This is a gorgeous area here, and then that’s the way to the pools. They have this gorgeous series of pools, including this cave-like grotto thing where you can pretend to be Indiana Jones or something.
Alright, so I’m answering a question from the private Facebook group. And again, I keep having to remember to look at this little pinhole here of a lens instead of looking at myself in the screen. Looking in the lens. I apologize for all of the hundred-something videos where I’m looking at myself in the screen. I generally don’t like to watch my own videos, so I didn’t quality control that until my team pointed it out.
Okay, so Winston from the private Facebook group. This is a question from a while back, but it got buried and I only noticed it now that we hadn’t addressed it yet. So, Winston, he asks a very long question. And in fact I’ve decided after reading it on the way here, walking here, that I’m going to cut this up into three or four different videos.
So, the first part of the question goes like this, “Dear David, wanted to know your opinion on this situation. So, my girlfriend constantly says we’re not having sex because she feels scared about getting pregnant. I know we watch what women do rather than what they say. Then she gets into that kinky mood and says, “Just for one second.” Told her, “No.” Because I didn’t have a condom. She kept begging. In the heat of a second, I figured it was just a second so why not? But it went downhill from there because she wanted more. I pulled out in time but then she blames me for not protecting her and then saying that if this happens again, she’s going to break up and go find someone else who could protect her.”
“I raise this as emotional manipulation and didn’t stand for it. She said she meant it with a straight face.” Okay, now three other questions that you asked begins like this. So, the second question you asked begins like this. Second, “she’s pretty emotional and fickle. She has many tantrums.” Okay. Your third question begins like this, “She told me upfront that she’ll test me a lot.” Okay, so it sounds like you’re with somebody who’s very unstable and immature, and quite possibly suffering from some kind of pathological disorder, but there’s not enough information here to make that claim.
The good is if she’s immature, the bad if she’s actually pathologically like this. Now, here are two things. The first is the more obvious, I guess you could say is… Actually, for a lot of guys, it’s not obvious. But the easier diagnosis to make here is that she’s immature and unstable. If you engage in the sexual act with her and she agrees to go ahead with it, then this is called consensual sex. Now, I know in the US, in some university campuses, there’s a lot of political correctness and they always side with the woman.
And many times, that’s the right way to go. Now in this case, I think that there are enough steps along the decision pattern that both of you gave a scent along the way. And for her then to blame you is immature. One thing to point out is that the woman should be just as responsible as a human being, as a human adult, for these situations where a female should have condoms, a female should also be in charge for her side of the birth control; restraint, willpower. And to put it all on the man is just unfair and irresponsible.
So, she’s irresponsible and immature, right now, at the moment. Now, the second thing to notice is that if she puts this all on you, then clearly she’s setting you up for a certain type of relationship dynamic, and you’ve pointed that in the further questions below that about testing and her many tantrums, and her emotional manipulation and so on.
So, I think you’re already aware of that. But it’s also important to ask yourself why you’re attracted to somebody like that. And generally, women who are manipulative would only get a partner who is easily manipulated. And often, that means that for you to have attraction in this context means that there’s something about you at the subconscious level, the unconscious level that you’re attracted to this. And that often means you’re a fake nice guy, pseudo-nice guy or you’re in a transactional relationship.
Basically, you are like a fixer and that you need to rescue people in order for yourself to feel worthy and that you then feel like you are deserving of this relationship. You have to point the mirror at yourself as well. Yes, she is immature and emotionally irresponsible and manipulative, but what does this say about you? So here’s the deal when it comes to women and being a strong man. While in this situation, you said one thing. You said no because you didn’t have a condom.
She kept begging. In the heat of the second, you gave in. You gave in. You gave in and said, “Why not? Let’s do it.” And then later on you asked the question– “she told me upfront that she’ll test me a lot.” And you don’t understand, actually, what tests are given the context of the question. That’ll be for a different episode. But here’s an example of a test that she’s giving you unconsciously. If a woman tests you consciously, then that’s a fucking bitch.
But women and people, like your boss, will give you work that he thinks you can handle but is challenging for you. And in a way, that’s a test, right? And here’s a test. She wants you to hold to your word. You say no, then you shouldn’t do it. But if you say no and you do it, then you have failed as a man because you gave in to the feminine temptation of pleasure. So, it’s like the fat man, right? The fat man, the obese man he says, “No, I’m on a diet.”
Then this beautiful tub of ice cream is presented in front of him and he says, “Well, maybe just this once.” What do you think of him now? You think he is weak, his willpower is weak. He is not strong as a man, he cannot be relied upon when push comes to shove. So, that’s actually it. I mean, you are, right at the moment, a weak man who gives in easily to pleasure and little things like this.
And that’s nothing to do with being a pick apart or being sexual-whatever. A lot of men in the world get a lot of– they’re just pussies and they get some pussy because they have that feminine energy that the girls relate to, like the gay best friend who happens to actually get aroused by women. There’s that, but they can’t hold onto the relationship. Because over time, that weakness will become evident, and this is one of those cases where you’re supposed to say–
If you said no, then let your no be no and your yes be yes. I think that’s a Biblical allusion, but let your no be no. So, if you’re not going to do it, stick by your fucking guns and don’t do it. If you give in after you said you’re not going to do it, and then you give in and you do it, then you’re a weak man and that’s what she’s responding to.
That was her excuse to act like a psycho. And now in some tantra bullshit, David Deida kind of tantra bullshit, they might side with the woman in saying she was right in challenging you and blaming you, and projecting this onto you because she is the wild, untamed feminine. I don’t believe in that. I don’t believe in that at all. Adult human beings have the responsibility to be mature, to adhere to their word, and it is just manipulative for her to lay all the blame on you.
However– so that’s one thing, get the hell away from her. I know you’re very proud of this relationship, the fact that you’re in one and all that. I know this from other communication with you, but this girl is not ready for a mature relationship and she’s just going to eat away at you. I’ve been doing this for over ten years. I know you won’t take this advice. You’re too deep into it. So, now I’m talking to everybody else that’s watching it.
This is what he’s going to do. He’s going to feel really, really bad about this, and then it’s going to eat away at him because this advice from this guy, David Tian, makes a lot of sense, and yet he’s emotionally weak. How do I know he’s emotionally weak? Because he says no but then he goes and does it, so I know he’s emotionally weak. So, he’s not going to have the fortitude to break up with her.
Instead, they’re just going to drag this motherfucking thing out and eventually he’s going to feel really, really bad two years down the road. She will probably cheat on him or just drive him crazy. And then at that point, he will need to get more and more help. And at that point, when he’s at rock bottom, he will finally man the fuck up.
But hopefully, the fact that I’ve shown him his future, given his inertia in the momentum he’s established, he will then wake up and realize he has to put an end to this now. But the odds are very much against him in doing so. However, this show isn’t just for him, so it’s for all of you. So you understand now, if you have a woman who manipulates you in this way, she’s not ready for a relationship. She will continue to manipulate, and indeed increase the stakes over time.
And he’s not ready either because he’s weak and gives into temptation too easily, and therefore cannot be trusted as a man. I mean, that’s what trust is. I mean, you wouldn’t need to trust somebody with something that you know they’re going to do and you know that they want to do. You need to trust somebody with something that you know that they are tempted to do and you can trust them that they won’t do it, or it’s hard work and they will do it even though it’s hard, and painful and not the most enjoyable thing.
You don’t need to trust people to eat ice cream. They will eat the fucking ice cream if it tastes good. You need to trust people to not eat the fucking ice cream. I hope that metaphor is not too stretched, but there you go. So, the takeaways. If a woman blames you for shit that is at least 50% her responsibility, then run for the hills because she’s not ready. Let her fuck up a bunch of other people’s relationships in her own life for several years until she, hopefully at that point, will mature.
The other takeaway is, when you say, as a man, when you say to a woman that you make a decision and she’s counting on you to stay with that decision, you’ve got to stay with that decision if you want to remain in your masculine energy and you want people’s respect. Her respect definitely, but also people’s respect. I’ll give you one more example as a parting gift.
Imagine you are going to war, and this is from a book by David Deida, this example. You’re going to war and you’re a war vet, they’ve called you up and you got to go back. And your wife says to you on the day that you got to leave– literally, they’re waiting outside to take you to the base and pick you up from your home. And she, at your house door, she hugs you and stops you and blocks your way and says, “No, honey, please. Can’t you just say this to them? Can’t you just make up an excuse? The baby’s on the way, I need you here. I love you and I need you here. I need you.”
After you have already, for many years, described, told her and she feels that your purpose in life is too– well, one part of your purpose in life is to serve your country in this way. She knows this but she stops you and begs you to stay. One part of her is hoping you will say no and get in that van and go to the base, but it is her job, she feels, to release the emotion, to express the emotion that she’s feeling, that she doesn’t want you to go. But a part of her would be incredibly disappointed and crushed if you said, “Oh, okay. Hey, in that case, you call the general. “Hey, general. I’m going to have to pass this one. Maybe next war, see ya. My wife’s calling.”
Where they’re waiting outside for you and everything. You probably can feel that. You’re less of a man in doing so. But in a way, it’s a woman’s job to express her emotions. Ideally, the man would do the same, but she wants you to say no. When you said yes, you lost her respect. And to a certain degree, you’ve lost your own self-respect if you understand it at that level.
So, if you can resist the temptation, delay the gratification, it’s hard work but you earn it. When you earn it, you feel the worth in yourself and you build your self-esteem that way. Okay, that was a long takeaway. But build your self-esteem and don’t give in to temptation, unless you decide to, in which case it’s not temptation.
Alright, so until then, I’m going to enjoy beautiful Bali, this great weather right now. It’s not too humid and enjoy the sun. So until next time – Oh, join the private Facebook group. We approve requests every day. Join the private Facebook group. I will see you in there. Winston asked his question in there. I will see you in there. I can address your questions there. I will see you in the private Facebook group. Until then, Man Up![MUSIC]