Man Up | Ep. 60 • January 19, 2016
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or over a decade, David Tian, Ph.D., has coached tens of thousands of people from over 87 countries to achieve happiness and success in their dating and love lives.
Once a nerdy, skinny professor of philosophical psychology who couldn’t hold a conversation to save his life, David is now director of Aura Transformation Corp., and a world renowned dating and life coach using therapeutic methods. Dr. Tian has been featured in international media, including AXN, Cosmopolitan, Psychology Today, as well as co-hosting a radio show on national radio and a weekly dating advice column in a national newspaper in Singapore. Formerly a professor at the National University of Singapore, Dr. Tian is actively researching, speaking, and publishing in the areas of philosophy and psychology.
The show, “Man Up: Masculinity for the Intelligent Man,” is David’s way of helping as many people as possible enjoy empowering and fulfilling lives, while contributing to the global understanding of masculinity in modern times. In the show, he takes your questions posed in The Man Up private Facebook group and answers based on his experience Coaching tens of thousands of students around the world for over a decade.
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In episode 60 of Man Up, I answer the question: Will she leave your boyfriend for you?
[Intro Music] Masculinity for the Intelligent Man. I am David Tian, Ph.D., and this is: Man Up!
[Music Fade] Hey, I’m David Tian, Ph.D. and this is episode 60 of Man Up! Whoo! Episode 60, welcome to 2016! By the way, right so… question from the private Facebook group, this one comes from Lajos. I don’t know if I’m pronouncing that correctly. Posted from Serbia. He is writing from Serbia. He says, “First I want to thank you and your team for this brilliant group and awesome ‘Man Up!’ show. You’re the best!” Well thank you! I’ll always appreciate honest appreciation, hope it’s honest. So thank you! Love it! Anyway, Let’s get into his question.
He’s writing from Serbia, welcome all the way from Bangkok and Singapore to you and Serbia. He’s Nationality is Hungarian. He’s never had a girlfriend and never was really good with girls. Okay, good context. I appreciate your honesty. He was always the awkward one stuck in the friend zone. Got it. Okay, so here’s the situation, he met a girl in summer camp. Summer Camp, how old are you and you’re still going to summer camp.
Trust In A Relationship
Okay, summer camp, I think that places his age a bit. A lot of girls. And he got to know… this is a long ass question… alright, I love it. So I’m going to try and summarize it for you guys who are watching the video. Um… met this girl at summer camp and she mentioned that she has a boyfriend… or the sister… the sister told him. The sister told him that this girl he likes has a boyfriend so back off and don’t hope for too much.
But they connected and then he says they were inseparable. Every night they were sitting there in private and talked almost all night. Then at the end of camp on the last day, boyfriend arrives and she gets really nervous. Ooh, this is cool. This is like a drama. “He acts I accidentally run into them”, he says. She introduces him to me but it was like awkward. I think you know that’s not too uncommon.
One week after camp was over he added her on Facebook and started to chat daily and he started calling her “my girl” and then she says to him that she has a boyfriend and she only sees him as a friend. She found it strange. Then he confessed to her that he’s really into her. And he doesn’t want to be just friends.
And he says, “If we’re only going to be friends, then this has to be over because I can’t see her as a friend. I value her more than that. And we both cried.” No that’s fine! He says, “that was pathetic”. You know, that’s your honest feelings. Nothing to be embarrassed about when it comes to feeling deeply and crying. Alright, so put that out there.
So in case you’ve been brainwashed by weird shit on the internet, the truth is whatever you are honestly feeling, don’t bottle it all up and have it come out and deal with it. Okay, so it’s there. Pretending like it’s not there won’t do you any good. Okay, so… that’s what happened. I think it was this large part… largely because of his courage in saying then let’s not be friends because I value you too much and then crying. And then having the genuineness and honesty to do that.
Attract Women And Identify Flirting Signs
She can’t stop contacting him. Then they decided to meet. “Let’s call it a date” he says, and talk about the situation. Whenever you meet a girl who’s already had the talk with you to talk again about the situation. To his surprise she confessed to him that she knew of his intent from the beginning but she didn’t want to confess herself to him and “yes she has feelings towards me” but at this point she can’t decide to break up… whether to break up with the boyfriend and be with him or leave him or stay with the boyfriend. So I decided I will wait until she makes her decision.
The problem is that, okay, so there it is. She is like, okay, after hiding the fact that she has a boyfriend from him even though he kind of knew through his sister but she didn’t discuss it during summer camp. If you’re a PUA who likes to bang girls, there’s a lot you can learn from this just how as much attraction works. But this Man Up is not about being a PUA and just fucking girls. If the PUAs are watching, this is not for you – turn it off – and go to another video.
If you’re a man and you really want to man up and understand masculinity, and how to be happy in a male and female relationship, listen deeply… intently. So who’s this girl? So you got to know who you are what you want in life. It speaks of the earlier episode, and the guys are also asking me all the time. Like this girl is better than me, what do I do. It’s like, who are you and how are you making yourself better?
Focus on yourself more than on the girl. Because if you focus on yourself, developing yourself, the right girl will find you. Okay so, I firmly believe that. And it just makes sense psychologically. You are going to be speaking the words that are coming from the thoughts in your mind. The thoughts in your mind will be driven by what you do and experiencing on a day to day basis, and minute by minute basis what you’re doing with your life.
Some people out there say that the energy you put out there is what you get back. Maybe you don’t even need to go to energy, but it’s true with energy… but you don’t even need to go to energy. It’s just like the shit you think about is going to get reflected with the people that connect with you because they will connect with you on the shit you think about.
So… Um… Look, what type of woman do you want? Who do you want to be five years from now or whatever… at the end of this relationship or in the middle of this relationship? Who do you want to be and what type of woman would support who you want to be – would challenge who you want to be to help you make that person grow. That’s the kind of question you are going to ask.
How To Establish A Trust
Now we come back to this girl. Yeah, you connected. Yeah, it was like summer camp love. You know, summer love happens all the time. So if your girlfriend’s going off to summer camp without you, you should be worried. For any kind of formative experience like that without you, you should be worried. Because she’s just going to grow and most young people can’t handle it.
They can’t handle the maturity and the commitment. They think love is like, “Oh! Feelings!” and that’s all it is and when feelings go, there’s no more love and they break up. That’s a great recipe for never being happy in a relationship.
So anyway, she confesses she DOES like this guy and doesn’t know whether to choose the boyfriend or him. Bingo! That’s all you need to know! Bing! Bing! Bing! Big red flag! This girl is not ready for a relationship. Give her a prize “go be single and be promiscuous for a while to go figure what the fuck you want instead of fucking over all these dudes”. She’s screwing over the… Lajos, I hope I’m saying that right.
She’s screwing over Lajos and Lajos is man enough to say “well, if you don’t want to be more than friends with me, that’s enough”, cries… that’s man enough, man! That’s good for you! You weren’t so needy that you beg her to pick you or anything like that, hopefully. But if you did, it didn’t sound like it. So good for you. But she’s like she’s got her tentacles on you. She’s got the hooks on you trying to keep you back.
And then meanwhile, she’s stringing along her boyfriend who has no clue, I’m assuming. No clue! Shows up on summer camp, who knows what he’s doing. Maybe he’s fucking around too. Well, they’re not fucking… maybe he’s flirting around too. So maybe everyone’s just getting what they deserve. Maybe he deserves it. But if you’re a man of integrity, Lajos, and you want to grow up to raise your kids to be people of integrity, then I would tell this girl that she needs to grow up.
Trust And Relationship
And if she can’t choose right now, even if she were to choose right now, you don’t want a girl who leaves her boyfriend for you for many reasons. Many reasons which I would need to get into in a different video in one of the time in trying to keep this video short. So any girl who’s with a boyfriend is considering leaving him to be with you, that’s already over. Don’t even get involved. Just say, pleasure to meet you.
Maybe two years, three years, five down the road, you’ll be mature enough for me to get in a relationship with. Because if you get into a relationship with that girl, I can guarantee you will eventually crash and burn and you’ll have to come and watch these videos again and then it will make a lot of sense with you. These will be here as long as the internet, as long as Youtube and Facebook are still existing. Actually we can take them off and post them somewhere else. So as long as the internet exists.
Okay, the question goes on though “because the problem is after she confessed her attraction to him, for two to three months later they went on maybe from five to ten dates and still chat every day. But somehow she’s cold now and she’s not answering his messages that much. And this is where understanding that attraction in some of that pick up stuff does help and makes sense of what’s going on. Because she’s not a girl who’s into… who’s ready for a committed relationship.
Instead she’s just going with the butterflies in her stomach kind of feeling. And a person like that, which is mostly young people, I’d say ninety percent more of young people in their twenties are not ready for a long term relationship. Because it is about a long term, you need to get passed that initial infatuation butterflies in the stomach, the emotions kind of stuff. She’s like running on that, like bad fuel to run on.
So what happened? Well, you’ll let it die out. Because summer love is intense and it’s about that peak and the high that you have to capitalize it. You just want to hook up but then reality sets in. Reality of “oh my God this is going to go on for months”. And after the honeymoon period, go look it up.
Go google it the difference between passionate attraction and companionate attraction. These are actual scientific, academic terms in the brain that are perceived differently. So, you got to transition if you want to get past that six-month period, or its relative from one month to a year or more. Definitely after three years, you’re going to have to transition to – if you want to keep going – into a companionate attraction which feels different.
From the passionate attraction, she doesn’t feel the passionate attraction because PASSION by very nature does not last. So you get 5 to 10 dates so that’s a great way to kill the passion. You just stringing it along. It’s just like watching the same movie nine or ten times in a row. Two or three months in a row. Is it exciting anymore? It can’t be! You know the fucking ending. You already know what it’s like. The novelty is gone.
This is clearly the wrong girl. She can’t even choose between you or the boyfriend. She’s already lacking integrity. Leave that far away, let her grow up before you get involved. And how do I know? The proof is in the pudding. The proof is two or three months later she goes cold after five to ten days with you. The boyfriend probably still has no clue how immature is the girl he is seeing because she is still with him and its comfort zone for both of them.
Now it’s not so passionate and exciting and new for her to be with you. And that’s a big part of the appeal of an affair. This isn’t a full blown affair you’ve got because you’re really young because you’re going to summer camp. But this is a younger person’s version of an affair. So there you go, know what type of woman you like to get involved with. This woman is not suitable for a long term relationship.
You had your fun and hopefully you can appreciate that. Summer of fun. Move on and raise your standards. RAISE YOUR STANDARDS! It’s a good take away, raise your standards.
Alright, damn it! It’s over 10 minutes again! I get carried away. I’m sorry about that. I’m going to try to keep it under five for the next one. So please ask your questions. Long questions – I like that! Go to the private Facebook group and ask your questions and post them there. I will respond as much as I can in the comments and respond obviously in the videos. So join the private Facebook group, click on the link and join. Until next time, Man Up!