Man Up | Ep. 196 • June 27, 2017
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or over a decade, David Tian, Ph.D., has coached tens of thousands of people from over 87 countries to achieve happiness and success in their dating and love lives.
Once a nerdy, skinny professor of philosophical psychology who couldn’t hold a conversation to save his life, David is now director of Aura Transformation Corp., and a world renowned dating and life coach using therapeutic methods. Dr. Tian has been featured in international media, including AXN, Cosmopolitan, Psychology Today, as well as co-hosting a radio show on national radio and a weekly dating advice column in a national newspaper in Singapore. Formerly a professor at the National University of Singapore, Dr. Tian is actively researching, speaking, and publishing in the areas of philosophy and psychology.
The show, “Man Up: Masculinity for the Intelligent Man,” is David’s way of helping as many people as possible enjoy empowering and fulfilling lives, while contributing to the global understanding of masculinity in modern times. In the show, he takes your questions posed in The Man Up private Facebook group and answers based on his experience Coaching tens of thousands of students around the world for over a decade.
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David Tian: Boom! Stop. I’m David Tian, PhD, and in this video, I answer the question: When your wife loses interest in you. Welcome to Man Up Episode 196.
Masculinity for the Intelligent Man. I’m David Tian, PhD., and this is Man Up!
Hey, it’s David Tian, PhD., and for over the past 10 years, I have been helping hundreds of thousands of people in over 87 countries attain success, happiness and fulfillment in life and love, and welcome to Man Up Episode 196. We are at this beautiful beach here in Nusa Dua at the Mulia. It’s a private beach. Actually, can you show them that set of recliners that are completely empty? It’s like a very nice day, and all of these recliners… And look at that, the pool is pretty empty. This is a really nice resort. Everything is spaced out and it never feels crowded, even on a major high season, hot day like today.
You see there’s a Balinese temple up on that – top of that ridge there, and then there’s a whole other beach section of the resort over there. We just shot a previous video in the pool, the big-ass pool over there. They got so many pools here. This is not a commercial for the Mulia in anyway, but you know.
Alright, so I got a question here from Carl. It’s a two-parter, and I don’t remember when he first posted, but it’s two parts because he came and gave us an update. It’s really bright, sun’s in my eyes, high noon, put these on, hope you don’t mind. Okay, so I have eyes behind here. Okay, so Carl:
“I’ve been doing well lately, making some changes in my life.” Okay, bla-bla. My wife has gone… Oh, wait. Ah, yes. This is the second half, shoot. Okay, so let me find the first part of that question and we’ll start from there. We’ll start through it chronologically. “After looking at my situation…” Is that the first one? Oh, no, here it is. Okay. “David, my wife is saying that she has been hurt for far too long emotionally. She took her wedding rings off and said she would put them back on when she believes there was hope, but she also said that after this, she basically wants to see this change by the end of the kids’ school year, which is the middle of next month.”
A lot of talk about pressure, right? “So, I need to make some emotional changes within the next few weeks.” Whenever you hear that, you know it’s done. It’s sort of like somebody is like, “I need to get a six pack in the next few weeks because summer is coming, and I’m 50 pounds overweight! You need to help me!” Something like that, you know. Same sort of thing. I think the world does not understand how important psychology is, not even at the level of how important fitness is. The fitness craze, well, ‘craze’ but now it’s normal, most likely 20 years ago, maybe in 20 years psychology, people will approach it and respect it the way they understand and respect fitness. But anyway, I’m waiting for that point.
“Okay, so I need to make some emotional changes within the next few weeks in order to save my marriage and reconnect with my wife, who at this point in time is emotionally shut-down. Basically, we have over the last few years adopted the principle of, “I’ll only do this if you do that” and have hurt each other in the process.” Well, it’s okay because everyone else has done the same thing. Most couples devolve into this sort of thing.
“But she doesn’t want to talk about our relationship. She just wants to see my change. When we talk, usually she is staring at her phone. She spends a lot of time on social media, which between social media and her friend, her best friend, we really haven’t spent quality time together, and when we have it turns into a fight about the time we haven’t spent together.”
Okay, so now this becomes – in the comments thread – a lot of getting clarification and getting him to open up about what’s really going on and their background. So what happens is, a lot of people feel like their background is irrelevant, and all of the information that they don’t tell us is probably the most important information. The reason why they don’t think it’s important, the reason why they’re still stuck in a problem is because they don’t appreciate the information that’s key to the solution. So, there’s a lot of diagnostic type of questions coming up. I asked them a bunch of those, and he responds, and here’s some of the responses to give you the background.
So, his wife has a female best friend, and they spend all night together. And he says this, “She”, his wife, “has lived here in their town, their small town of a few thousand for her whole life.” And he says, “I grew up 75 miles away but I moved to this town 15 years ago. I would like to go to church every Sunday but” his wife doesn’t like to go because she feels if religion… Okay, so that’s fine. So, she’s not religious. That’s an important thing I wanted to get.
“She basically fell in love with her best friend, the female best friend. She’s still sexually attracted to me but we left my needs behind like I have hers, but I need to be able to get her more interested in being around me rather than hanging out with this friend of hers all day, constantly posting on social media about each other.” And then what’s interesting was as we were having this comment exchange in his question thread, he says, “At 2:49 AM, she just came in at 2:30 in the morning and won’t speak to me.”
And then he said, “Plan B involves losing my wife, also my children. I’m used to seeing them every day and enjoying…” Okay, and “enjoying like when she does this, and leaves until the middle of the night, they’re all I have for a while now.” So basically, she shows up from work, he comes back from work, she says, “Alright, I’ve been watching the kids all day. It’s your turn now” and she takes off to meet her best friend, and they do god-knows-what. Like, he doesn’t really know, and then she shows up at 2:30 in the morning and then this is the situation he’s now texting us at this time.
“The new home we just bought 8 months ago…” Okay. “Basically, she is dumb to the fact of this and claims that it isn’t happening when anyone from the outside can clearly see what is up. She just told me she hates me, the worst thing she has ever done was be with me and I’m a sorry bastard and that is all I will be.” Oh, man. “All this because I wouldn’t give her the house and pay for everything.” Okay, there’s like a lot of stuff you just thrown at us randomly, “drunk at night”…
Okay, and he says… “Basically, she prioritized me with the house and the kids, but she feels like when I get home, she should be able to leave and go and stay out with her buddy all hours of the night, or go to the bar with her single friends in the middle of the night. But like you said, when I’m gone and support and love are gone, when her friend finds a new man and quits hanging out with her for a while, then maybe that alone time will help her realize what happened.”
And then he says that they post on Snapchat at 10pm, them doing makeup, and her caption was, “Doing makeup, so what?” And then she shows up at 2:30AM that night. So, she definitely went out somewhere. She definitely went out and partied it up in your small town bar, or club, or wherever it was with her friend. And here’s a crucial piece of information, they are young. I’m going to skip a whole bunch of stuff, let’s just get to that part. Here it is. Just give me a second. Here it is.
They have been together 12 years total. They got together really young. “She was 14, I was 17.” Holy shit. She was 14, so she basically married her high school love. They split up at the four-year mark like you say, it’s just what I predicted in a couple of my keynote talks this is what’s going to happen at the three to five year mark. People will fall out of infatuation, out of lust, and they mistakenly think that’s love, when it’s really just passion that just fades away over time, and you have to work at it to rekindle that passion.
“So, I went to college and never looked back. Eight months later, she contacted me.” So, eight months after he started college, she contacts him. “We had a few dates and boomed back into a relationship. We got married in 2003.” The way that they got back together was over Christmas, or when he comes back from university, he goes to a party, a house party and she is there with her new boyfriend. He says that after they hit it off right there at the party again, they rekindle that passion within a week or two, she dumps the current boyfriend and goes back to him.
So, you know, there’s all kinds of red flags going on with this lady, with this girl of yours. And it’s understandable. She married the guy that she started dating when she was 14, it had a middle period of eight months when they broke up, got back together, got married, now they have two kids and she had these kids young. And you know, if they’ve been together 12 years total and she was 14 when they started dating, then the math says… Well, 12 years total, 14, what’s that math – 20 – 26, okay, right? Okay, 26, right? So, she’s 26, he’s 29. Oh, that’s a little bit older than…
Okay, so they’ve been living in the same fucking small town since a long time, her whole life, and she’s had two kids now, and she’s on Snapchat. So, if you know anything at all about Snapchat and social media – for instance, Snapchat is a really easy one. You open up that app, it’s not intuitive. So, you open up the app, and at the top, there are going to be all of these like Cosmopolitan Magazine and all of these other paid media advertising. It’s just basically stories that they just show you, and a lot of their stories are about gossip stuff, like gossip rags. It’s going to be about the Kardashians, and Kendall Jenner, and all that shit.
And it’s going to be throwing at these females, at this 26 year old wife of yours who lives in a small town of a few thousand, where she’s lived for her entire life, it’s going to be thrown at them this other life of glamour, and models, and bottles, and… Well, that’s the way guys think with models and bottles, but like, whenever – like shopping, luxury, tons of luxury, travelling everywhere, status, a lot of status, ego validation stuff. It’s a shame because science has proven that we actually enjoy life better, we’re actually happier, when we’re connected to nature. That’s easier to achieve in a small town. You’re closer to nature generally in a small town versus a city that’s got concrete everywhere.
You know, if you’re a higher IQ, that will affect you less, but you’re still affected by it. And the problem is, that is what would make us happier but evolution doesn’t want us happier. Evolution doesn’t give a shit about how happy you are. We have not evolved to be adapted for happiness. We’ve evolved for survival and fucking, okay? We’ve evolved for survival and replication. Strictly speaking, not even just fucking, the act, but we’ve evolved to have babies.
And those two things, if you’re really happy, it’s got really nothing to do – only a little bit to do – with how well you survive, and more importantly how much you replicate yourself. So, we are much more driven. We have no defenses for the status shit that’s coming to us through Snapchat, through the luxury lifestyle, and it’s going to be really hard for her to resist that. She’s on Snap, she’s seeing the life outside her small town, this world that’s amazing. Look at this wonderful beach right here, it’s great. I totally get it.
I mean, I enjoy it but I know the science, we’re happier actually when we’re actually – these deeper things, like meditation, you think about relationships, these other ties that are much more important to us. But somebody who hasn’t left her hometown her entire life, has already had two kids, married her high school sweetheart and is now getting plugged into the rest of the MTV world, it’s going to be hard for her to resist wondering what’s on the other side.
And his update is that things have gotten a little bit better. He’s taken her to some festivals. They are going out more. They are making more of an effort to rekindle the passion, that’s awesome and that’s a good sign because when I first read your original post a few months ago, I thought that she was maybe just not gonna – she’s gonna be narcissist for a while, and I think it’s a good sign that she loves her kids enough that she’s going to take the effort to invest in you in the relationship. So, keep going. You need to introduce more adventure, more fun things into your life, more new and novel experiences into your life.
I recommend travel. You can get an RV, put the kids in there, and take a road trip down the next town or wherever, down the state line, the next state. Go to a beach. Go to a national park. That’s a really great one. And you know, maybe you’ll wanna take a trip down to Vegas. I think that people who are really down-to-earth should go to Vegas because that will turn them off to the luxury shit. It’s just tacky as fuck. Anybody who has got any class should be turned off by Vegas, but you know, I know there are a lot of Vegas lovers watching this because they pick up chicks there, because they’re all slutty and drunk there.
So, she sees that just like, “Oh, I don’t actually want that.” That’s great. You’ll want to take her to an in-between place like New York or LA because you can take it easy over there and still enjoy the luxury, but Vegas is just tacky. Something like that. You pack your kids in RV, take a road trip, enjoy life, do new things. Don’t get into a rut. Don’t get into a routine. There are free courses I’ve made on how to rekindle the passion in your relationship, get those. I know you have, Carl, already started those so that’s helping you to rekindle that relationship for whoever is watching this.
If this is a similar issue that you’re having, we have complimentary courses on how to rekindle your relationship, the passion in the relationship, and how to also… Also, look out for these relationship red flags which was showing actually before. So, this is a red flag. It’s time to take this seriously and really get your shit together. So, these are complimentary courses inside the Man Up private Facebook group. Click the link. Join the group. I’ll see you inside.
I gotta enjoy the beach, I got a drink waiting right here on this flag. I have no idea what this weird shape is happening here, maybe someone can tell me, but it’s a really handy – not a bottle, but a cup holder. Alright, I gotta finish my drink and head back to the beach, so David Tian, signing out.
See you in the private Man Up Facebook group. Click the link. Join the group. Until then, David Tian signing out. Man Up!