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For over a decade, David Tian, Ph.D. — a uniquely qualified therapist, life coach, and former university professor — has coached tens of thousands of people from over 87 countries to achieve happiness and success in their relationships, dating, psychology, and lifestyle.
Dr. Tian has been featured in international media, as well as co-hosting a radio show on national radio and a weekly dating advice column in a national newspaper in Singapore.
The show, “Man Up: Masculinity for the Intelligent Man” (https://www.davidtianphd.com/blog/), is David’s way of helping as many people as possible enjoy empowering and fulfilling lives, while contributing to the global understanding of masculinity in modern times. In the show, he takes your questions posed in the Man Up private Facebook group (https://www.facebook.com/groups/manupcommunity/) and answers based on his experience coaching tens of thousands of students around the world for over a decade.
Connect with David Tian here:
DTPHD Podcast Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/dtphdpodcast/
Man Up Show Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/manupcommunity/
David Tian Ph.D. explains what happens when you constantly compare yourself with other men.
David Tian Ph.D. tells us why we really need to do grief work.
In this Man Up episode, David Tian Ph.D. shares the important change that we must do.
David Tian: Boom! Stop. I’m David Tian, PhD, and in this video, I answer the question: When you’re insecure because you have a hot girlfriend. Welcome to Man Up Episode 191.
Masculinity for the Intelligent Man. I’m David Tian, PhD., and this is Man Up!
Hey. It’s David Tian, PhD., and for over the past 10 years, I have been helping hundreds of thousands of people in over 87 countries attain success, happiness, fulfillment, in life and love and welcome to Man Up Episode 191.
Here I am in Bali, in the beach here. This was the office for the day. Not a bad office. Let’s get to the question.
This is a question from Raoul, and I’ve answered a question from Raoul before, so Raoul, it’s your lucky day – your second question answered.
“Does David have a video on being more secure if you have a hot girlfriend? It’s difficult being secure in a long-distance relationship, and even more when you believe that your girlfriend could do better physically and sometimes even emotionally. I’m an introvert and a little bit socially awkward versus a good-looking extravert guy. I don’t want to be the insecure always suspicious guy. Is there anything that could help?”
Yes. I’ve already made quite a few episodes about how to compete with the other guy, how to compare yourself with the other guy in a way, you know, that won’t trigger all of these insecurities. And it’s just to not fucking compare.
But it was in Episode 170 that I really just lost my patience and was just like – there’s so many guys who are played by this and they want to be better guys.
But what ‘better’ means for them, is for Raoul, it’s that he feels bad because he’s an introvert and socially awkward, versus a good-looking extraverted guy. The natural thing to do is to become a better-looking, more extraverted person. That’s what I did. That’s what lots of guys I helped do, and that’s the most logical progression.
I did a whole other – back in 2011, I did a talk on how to demolish your deepest insecurities, and that was walking guys through that process of figuring out whether the thing that limits you, the limiting belief you have, the insecurity you have, whether it is changeable or not changeable.
If for instance you’re overweight and you feel insecure that you’re obese, then obviously the thing to do is to work out and diet and not be obese anymore.
You know, so just go and do it. If you can change it, change it. If you can’t, if you feel insecure that you’re short and you want to be tall but you can’t change it, then you need to reframe and condition.
Really simple. If you haven’t seen that video, go watch the 2011 video I made, and it’s on how to demolish your deepest insecurities.
But that is a basic, basic, basic solution. That’s like entry-level solution. If you want to think about it at a deeper level, a more advanced level, then look at Episode 170, where I point out that that’ll only take you so far.
If you just try to earn your self-esteem, that’ll take you only so far because what’ll happen is you’re always going to be susceptible to the bigger, better deal, and that’s where guys end up comparing themselves to other guys to make themselves feel better, right? Normally, when they are doing better than the other guy, they feel good, right? That’s where Raoul is like…
If he was the good-looking, extraverted guy, then every introverted, socially-awkward guy he meets can make him feel good, like, “Hah, that guy’s socially awkward, ha-ha. Aren’t I awesome? I’m Raoul. Aren’t I awesome?” Right? But you’ll only feel good when you compare favorably.
When you compare unfavorably, the bigger, better deal comes along which means one of – or he beats you on one or all of the things that you consider to be important for you, where that could be he makes more money than you, he’s better looking than you, or he’s more fit than you, or he’s a better talker than you, got better game than you, more famous than you; whatever it is that he comes along and he rocks up on your dates, your interaction with some girl or your relationship, and now it triggers all of your insecurities.
Now, you’re back to square one. Now you feel like shit because you compare unfavorably now.
So, what do you do with the bigger, better deal? You’re always going to be susceptible to the bigger, better deal. Well actually, the only real way to get true security, to get true self-esteem; the only real way to do that is to actually understand – to actually get to understand a feel that you have your own self-worth.
The fact is that all of these guys for whom their self-esteem rests on other shit besides themselves; in other words the money they have, or the body that they got. And so, if they get into a car accident and they can’t work out anymore, then where is their self-esteem? They don’t have that body anymore and et cetera.
Their self-esteem, their feelings about their self-worth rest on things outside themselves instead of intrinsically for themselves that they have this self-worth already inside themselves. They don’t have to do anything more. They don’t have to be anything more, they’re just by who they are.
Now, how is it that this is so counterintuitive to so many people? They’re like, “But I have no self-worth! I have no self-worth. I have to get good grades in school, or I have to work out really hard, or have to make lots of money, or I’m useless and worthless!” So if you have that attitude, well then you’re always going to be susceptible to the bigger, better deal.
You will always have fake self-confidence; fake, that’s all it is. So a lot of these guys, they’re just building fake self-confidence. How do you get for real? You have to build a real sense of self-worth. You have to build a real sense of self-worth. How do you do that? How do you do that, David?
That sounds great. I want to feel worth in myself just in who I am. I don’t want to have to depend on earning it. I just want to be who I am and feel a sense of self-worth no matter who walks up on me, whether it’s a celebrity, or you know.
I don’t want to feel insecure around anyone based on the fact that I’m comparing myself to them. “David, that sounds awesome. Take me to the Promised Land. How do I do that?” Well, this is the hard part. This is the part that 90-something% of guys are resisting, that is that you need to do the grief work.
Now, the way to do that is to actually – the easiest way to do that, I should say, the second-easiest way to do that is to get a therapist or a counselor. Whatever term works for you.
That therapist will take you through the process over weeks and months and years of doing the grief work to encounter your previous traumas in your youth, in your childhood, and in your infancy for all we know; and definitely in infancy, you already are experiencing these traumas because from infancy, you have these coping strategies that you then adapt or adopt using, and that you then carry on into your adult life.
That’s one way to go. That’s a long-term solution. That is also a solution that most guys will not want to go for because they have pride, and ego, and whatever stereotypes around it.
So, the other thing I’ve done, the best way, the most efficient, most effective way is – this is not a sales pitch in any way whatsoever. I’ve done it because I realize that most guys aren’t going to do the therapy.
They either don’t have the financial means for it or they don’t have the maturity to go for it, or they’re in a place where they can’t find a good therapist and they have hang ups over internet, Skype and shit.
So, I’ve created for myself first and then for hundreds of beta clients, tested live in person over a series of years, over four years, live in person, a series of courses, events that have led guys through the grief work. One of the best things you can do for yourself is start with a course I made called Invincible.
That has been tested and tried, proven, and that’s a good starting point, and then you get into the relationships and self-esteem. There’s a course called Rock Solid Relationships.
That gets paired along with Masculine Mastery. I’ve plugged my own courses, but the only reason I’m plugging my own courses is because – well, that’s not the only reason.
One of the reasons is, obviously, it’s my own course, but it’s also because I don’t know any other courses that do this. So you know, I seriously don’t know any others, that’s why I made it, because I knew guaranteed there’s a room in the market for this because there’s nothing else out there like it that actually takes guys…
It’s not a fucking bunch of lectures. I’m doing the videos right now. I can just put the videos online for free. The videos in themselves won’t change you. You have to do the grief work. What does that mean? Grief work means that you actually have to grieve, you have to mourn.
Oh no, the guys are like, “What the fuck? I got to cry? I got to grieve? That sounds like shit I don’t wanna do”, right? That’s exactly right.
That’s why most people suck. That’s why most people when they look at Raoul’s question, they’re going to be like, “Oh, well just get some game, man, and get a fashion makeover, and go to the gym.” Those are all superficial solutions.
Those aren’t going to actually solve the problem in the long run, the issue of a lack of a sense of self-worth intrinsically just in who you are.
You’re always going to have to earn it, and if you can’t – for every single one of those things that you’re trying to earn to get the self-esteem, it will always be ephemeral and it will be fake because of that. It’s like that kid’s story where they build a house on sandy land or some shit.
Or was it like the house, like I’m going to blow your house down, what’s that one? The Three Little Pigs, right. So, what’s the last one, the one that actually works? It’s a house made of bricks.
So, I made one out of bricks for you, but you can continue to do what the rest of the world does, a house of sand and shit like that. That’s a good analogy, the house of sand. They are the house of sand, we are the house of bricks.
If you want to get to know how to actually make it right, you can get a really good therapist and commit to it for six months or more, and hope you had a good therapist. Or you know, that’s usually about 200 bucks an hour.
I totally think everyone should do that anyway. But if you want to do it quick and a jump start, kick start onto this process of grief work and getting a sense of self-worth just in who you are, so that’s unshakeable, and it’s not based on your game or any of that shit, then Rock Solid Relationships, Masculine Mastery, and later on this year, Lifestyle Mastery is the series of courses that will take you through that. It starts with Invincible.
There you go. I didn’t mean it to be a plug, but I really don’t know any other work that does this. You can read books all you want. It won’t change you emotionally. It’ll just change you intellectually. You can watch videos all you want, but they won’t change you emotionally.
I don’t know what I’m pointing at – emotionally, not intellectually. The prefrontal cortex is not where the change that you need to have happens. It does not happen in the prefrontal cortex. So, I think a lot of people just – especially dudes get confused about that. They just want to learn knowledge.
Knowledge is freely available on the internet now. The whole world’s knowledge at your fingertips. It’s not the knowledge that’s the problem, it’s the emotional change. That’s what I mean by the grief work.
Now, in addition from that point, when you have the grief work done or that you’re getting it done, it’s never really finished. I mean, you’re exploring your whole formative years.
But as you’re doing the grief work from that point of having a real sense of self-worth, then you can earn the self-esteem through those other things because they’re not founded on sand.
So, if you base all of your self-worth on these other things, then it’s always going to be on a sandy foundation. It will not be on a firm foundation.
That foundation comes from the grief work, from uncovering all that trauma, and processing it, and seeing new perspectives on it, and so forth. And I take you through that in those advanced courses.
I didn’t mean for it to be a plug, but it is a shameless one. So there you go, David Tian, PhD., signing out. Join the private Man Up Facebook group. Raoul asked his question there. You can ask your question there. You can interact with the other guys.
There’s some really great guys giving some really good advice on there, a lot of the questions I don’t even have to answer. I just watch as the comments roll in from the more mature guys and it’s awesome.
It’s a really good community. We’re coming up to about 10,000 in the group right now. Join the group. Awesome community.
And in the meantime, maybe show them the beach. It’s pretty empty now, just cleared out a bunch of people, and real nice. Very nice breeze. It’s not humid at all right now, a nice dry season.
I will leave you with this view then. I’m just going to say David Tian, signing out. Until next time, Man Up!