Man Up | Ep. 56 • January 12, 2016
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or over a decade, David Tian, Ph.D., has coached tens of thousands of people from over 87 countries to achieve happiness and success in their dating and love lives.
Once a nerdy, skinny professor of philosophical psychology who couldn’t hold a conversation to save his life, David is now director of Aura Transformation Corp., and a world renowned dating and life coach using therapeutic methods. Dr. Tian has been featured in international media, including AXN, Cosmopolitan, Psychology Today, as well as co-hosting a radio show on national radio and a weekly dating advice column in a national newspaper in Singapore. Formerly a professor at the National University of Singapore, Dr. Tian is actively researching, speaking, and publishing in the areas of philosophy and psychology.
The show, “Man Up: Masculinity for the Intelligent Man,” is David’s way of helping as many people as possible enjoy empowering and fulfilling lives, while contributing to the global understanding of masculinity in modern times. In the show, he takes your questions posed in The Man Up private Facebook group and answers based on his experience Coaching tens of thousands of students around the world for over a decade.
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What Should You Do, When Your Old Needy Self Starts Coming?
In episode 56 of Man Up, I answer the question of: What should you do when your old needy self starts coming out in a relationship?
Masculinity for the Intelligent Man. I am David Tian, Ph.D., and this is: Man Up.
Hey, it’s David Tian, Ph.D. and welcome to Man Up, episode 56. I’m answering a question from the private Facebook group. This is from Fernando from Chile. And it’s a very long question. It’s basically about – just summarize it again, really long. And that’s good. I really like to get the context of your questions so that’s a good thing – I’m not complaining, it’s very good. But to summarize it, he has a crush over this girl that he met on holiday while traveling – and I’ll skip the details.
But he’s now asking: How do I get over her? The thing is that I’m also obsessed, as all the guys are, who keep asking over and over again, “How can I get this girl?” “How can I get out of the friend zone?” Because I think is that we are somehow obsessed with these girls we like with or without flaws. And we try to get them at any cost except from changing ourselves.
And his question is: How can I overcome my neediness? How can I come to destroy my obsession about her? I ask for clarification. And he says he can approach a girl and try to make a connection and face the fact that she may or may not like me and that if the interaction goes well, he can build a weak or strong relationship with her from that point. However, the old him, the needy or creepy him, comes into the light after some time. Investing himself really quickly or being really unconfident. I think that what I need is a foundational change in my very core, in the way I consider myself and how I interact with others.
Okay. So I’ll try to keep this short. The past episodes have been really too long. I apologize for that. I’ll try to keep it short. And ironically, I’m trying to keep it short on one of the longest questions that were post. But the answer is good. The answer I can do is short because you’ve got to come up with the answer yourself. So he says: I think what I need is a foundational change in my very core, in the way I consider myself and how I interact with others.
So, yeah, if you’re doing well at the beginning and then you keep finding yourself sabotaging yourself because you’re needy or creepy side comes out because you’re not confident – and this is normal because of the principle of investment and of the cost-worth connection, which I’ve covered in a previous episode.
The more invested we are in something, the more attached we get to the outcome or to that thing. And if that thing is not completely within our control, it creates insecurity within us and that is completely natural. And if you’re not used to that feeling, it’ll bring up all of these insecurities. And if these insecurities exist, they’re going to come out at that point. When you’re in a relationship, it’s easy for you to have all these doubts and hesitation and all that, and for you to be shy and lack confidence and so on. So, yeah, you need a foundational change.
It took me over ten years of experimentation with thousands of clients around the world, to figure out how to actually do this process of giving guys that foundation of confidence through the brain, speaking to the unconscious – not through hypnosis but through other means – in an online course. So if you come for live training, we can fix that. I’m very confident in being able to fix that.
If you’re able to make our one-year course, we have a one-year, long term program. We ask the guys who want to do training with us, who are serious about it, to commit to a year to fix their whole lives. In one year, it’s pretty amazing that they can do that in one year. And then when they fix that, they payoff is for the rest of their lives. So that’s just a no-brainer, in my opinion. But you’ve got to commit for that year because then we, as a team, commit to you for that year as well. That’s always been no question, we could do that.
But a question was whether I could to that online for the guys who can’t make it to Singapore. And most of our clientele can’t make it to Singapore. So Fernando’s in Chile. I just answered a question from a guy in Sweden. This is normal. So after lots of experimentation, like years, we finally have come out of the beta version of this program called “Invincible” that’s designed exactly to do what Fernando’s asking, which is the foundational, core work. And it’s literally to the point where you just plug and play. Like you put the earphones on, follow along with the mental exercises and it actually creates confidence in you. I know it sounds fantastical but you’ve got to try it to experience it for yourself.
It’s still in early stage, so we’re coming up to 2.0 with that. But we’re out of the beta and it’s been tested really amazingly well. And along the way, interspersed sort of like in the – so it’s an eight week course. In the odd weeks, 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9 – there’s a bonus, actually. 9th week is mostly the inner work, the mental work of building that foundational confidence. And then on the even weeks, 2, 4, 6, 8, there are hours and hours of instruction and video of all the techniques, the strategies and methods. So you have the skills. So it’s a complete course in itself. It’s not as big as Limitless – it’s another course we’ve developed and tested extensively. Limitless is everything. Invincible is homing in on this one area of confidence and mental, inner confidence. And in this design, using proprietary techniques we’ve developed over the years of giving that to guys over the internet.
So anyway, that was a quick plug for the program. It’s not even open right now so I’m not even giving it as an advertisement because you can’t buy it. I’m just telling you that it’s available at some point soon. Look for it early next year. We’ll be releasing it again for early registration. But right now, we’re fixing some things in the program and improving it, getting feedback from the guys who are currently in it, on their 1.0 run, and tweaking it and so on. Anyway, look out for it coming up. It is possible to do that. If you can somehow fly out – I know Chile’s really far – to do live training. Or if you want to just do a private one-on-one Skype training, we can also do it that way.
But foundational confidence at this level – the only other way I know that a guy could develop this is through long-term counseling. And that’s awesome; you should be getting that anyway. Therapy is a horrible word because it sounds like there’s something wrong.
The most successful people in the world get coaching. I get coaching. I get counseling. I have my own therapist but he’s really just like a coach. He’s like a coach for the brain and the heart and understanding myself because I’m not objective when it comes to myself. I’m a bad coach for myself because I’m not objective. I can’t step away from that so I hire others. I hire specialists in all kinds of areas.
Just like a UFC trainer has his striking coach, his wrestling coach, his BJJ coach, his movement coach, his health and diet coaches. It might be more than one. So you have a whole team just for your striking. And it’s the same with any guy who’s at the top level of success. You’ll find that they have surrounded themselves with a coaching team. And, yeah, it’s expensive because when you get the best they should cost more because they can’t spread out all the goodness. Because time is limited, everyone has the same 24 hours a day.
However, through means like the internet – that’s why it was such an amazing thing, developing Invincible – so that we could offer this over the internet. Yeah, so that’s the answer. If you want foundational confidence when it comes to women, when you get attached, there’s no other way that I know of other than long-term – I’m talking about years and years and years of weekly psychotherapy.
Because the pick-up artists aren’t safe from this, at all – in fact, they feed the beast. In reference to my earlier videos on why the PUA industry is dangerous for a man’s long-term emotional health and well-being and maturity. And it’s because it actually feeds the beast of validation.
They think they’re growing. They’re growing in one area. But in the area that is the more core area, it’s actually getting weaker because they’re getting dependent on female validation to feel good about themselves. And then when they get into a relationship, it’s a disaster. Because now she has him by the balls, literally – well, figuratively.
He probably likes literally. But she’s got him by the balls because all of his validation is now in this one woman, or maybe two women, whatever, or maybe three if you’re polyamorous. But still, I mean, that’s a very small – you know, just two, three, four women versus when you were a single guy, you just picked up chicks. And you’re feeding off that validation from girls because they were responding well to you, felt like the man. That’s very dangerous. It’s dangerous psychologically for you especially if you plan to get into a relationship.
And you express it perfectly, Fernando. You’re saying, “I feel comfortable approaching and building that first connection, but then insecurities come up.” And the fastest way to do that is to get our program, Invincible. Sorry it’s not available right now. Enter your email into the waiting list page. That’s my consolation for you. So go to auratransformation.org, go under products.
There’s a dropdown, it’ll say Limitless and Invincible. Click on Invincible. It’ll take you to the page where you can type in your email and you’ll be notified as soon as it is launching. So there you go. Be very picky with who you find as your therapist or counselor. It’s really important that you find a good one. There are a lot of bad ones out there, just as there are bad fitness trainers. Make sure you pick the right one. Take your time picking the right one. But, yeah, you should be doing that anyway, if you can afford it. But then, there’s Invincible coming up next year – early next year, early 2016.
Okay, so join the private Facebook group. Ask your questions there. I’ll answer them. I can sometimes answer them right in the comments. Otherwise, I’ll interact with you personally and then answer them on these videos, on the next episodes. All right, so until then – join the private Facebook group – man up!