Man Up | Ep. 200 • August 9, 2017
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or over a decade, David Tian, Ph.D., has coached tens of thousands of people from over 87 countries to achieve happiness and success in their dating and love lives.
Once a nerdy, skinny professor of Asian philosophy who couldn’t hold a conversation to save his life, David is now director of Aura Transformation Corp., and a world renowned dating and life coach. Dr. Tian has been featured in international media, including AXN, Cosmopolitan, Psychology Today, as well as co-hosting a radio show on national radio and a weekly dating advice column in a national newspaper in Singapore. Formerly a professor at the National University of Singapore, Dr. Tian is actively researching, speaking, and publishing in the areas of philosophy and psychology.
The show, “Man Up: Masculinity for the Intelligent Man,” is David’s way of helping as many people as possible enjoy empowering and fulfilling lives, while contributing to the global understanding of masculinity in modern times. In the show, he takes your questions posed in The Man Up private Facebook group and answers based on his experience Coaching tens of thousands of students around the world for over a decade.
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David Tian: Boom! Stop. I’m David Tian, PhD, and in this video, I answer the question: What if she’s a daddy’s girl? Welcome to Man Up 200.
Masculinity for the Intelligent Man. I’m David Tian, PhD., and this is Man Up!
Welcome to Man Up Episode 200. I’m David Tian, PhD., and for over the past 10 years, I have been helping hundreds of thousands of people in over 87 countries attain success, happiness and fulfillment in life and love. And again, this is Episode 200. This is a pretty big episode for us, so woo-hoo. I was going to film a much longer one, much bigger one, but we’ve been very busy the past couple weeks on many different countries, and we’re about to fly across the world in a few hours. I knew we needed to get some video done quickly because we wouldn’t have a chance to do it for a little while. Here we are, filming this last-minute again.
Thank you so much for hanging in there and for the guys who have consumed 200 episodes of me. I am honored and flattered, and thank you. A question here from the private Man Up Facebook group. If you haven’t joined that yet, please do so. It’s for your own good. There are over 14,000 other members in there with some really great interaction. All right, a question here from Cory.
“I have a question, David. I recently met a very cool lady. I believe she is relationship material. She is in her mid-40s, is independent, gainfully employed, owns her own home”, all of those are pretty superficial things, “and seems emotionally intact.” Intact, it’s like a really low bar for emotional maturity here, but okay. I guess a lot of guys in America are really lowering their standards just to get in a relationship with them. All right, I’ll accept this from you, Cory.
“One thing I’ve noticed is that she is a big-time daddy’s girl”, and he’s wondering whether this is an issue. Details:
“Now, she lives in Nevada and her dad lives in New York, so it’s not like she sees him very often. But she talks about him all the time and openly adores him. It’s almost as if she subconsciously compares any man in her life to her dad. I really don’t see this as a problem, but something tells me there might be a red flag here. What I should take in this mind set?”
He really doesn’t see this as a problem. Cory, you still have a lot to learn about what it takes to be in a successful, lasting, passionate relationship. Back in the old days, as in your grandparent’s generation, or depending on how old you are, Cory, in the ’50s and ’60s, people would just stay together just because they were together and it was just harder to get a divorce, it was not socially accepted, and it was maybe harder legally, as well as women weren’t as upwardly mobile and they aren’t as ‘independent’ financially as they are now. But nowadays, everyone’s just like, “Hey, it’s like breaking up, it’s just a little bit more paperwork.” The men get fucked over a lot more.
But anyway, the point is, Cory, there’s a lot that is required for a good, long-term relationship. The points that you’ve raised are not really as relevant as you think they are, and the one point that you think is really not relevant is more relevant than all of the other points that you’ve raised. If she’s a daddy’s girl, it’s pretty much… There are different degrees of being a daddy’s girl, but this is a really great time to point out: Even if you had a ‘nice, healthy home’, and your parents stay together, and you check all of the other boxes, with the average person, what the rest of the world thinks is going to make somebody not need to get therapy later on, or counseling, and they check-check-check, “Daddy really treated her well”, check-check-check. They’re going to get fucked up, too. Either way, you’re going to get fucked up.
Now, I talked about this in terms of men with their mothers. If you had a really great mom who was loving, and adoring, and relatively virtuous, the dude is probably going to end up being a nice guy who has the nice guy neurosis that I pointed out in earlier videos. He’s going to put women on a pedestal, because that’s how he puts his mom, that’s how he sees his mom. Whereas dudes who have relatively slutty moms, or who are unvirtuous mothers, they see that part of their mother figure. They won’t be tempted to put the pussy on the pedestal, so to speak, and they’ll have a much more realistic view towards women. Of course, they’ll have also probably a more warped view, but both cases are warped.
Now, we get to the daughters with her dads. Daughters who are spoiled by their dads will probably not ever really have a lasting relationship, and even worse, it’s even worse than a girl who grew up with the reality, with the harshness and adversity of an average upbringing. The one who was spoiled will constantly compare, as you’ve pointed out, as you feel subconsciously you think, that she subconsciously compares all men that she’s with with her treatment by her dad growing up. That’s just obvious. It’s just a formative imprinting. She’s going to unconsciously compare. And even worse: Whenever the men that she’s with compare unfavorably, she won’t think it’s her fault or that she is unfairly or unjustly comparing. She will think it’s their problem.
Why? Because there was no malice, or evil, or bad stuff that happened, it was just spoiling. She’s just going to expect that that will come her to naturally if she just finds the prince in shining armor. So, she continues to see herself as daddy has made her: a princess. She will always fail in relationships because her dad… It’s easier to be a king or a prince to your princess when they are really young and their needs are relatively low-level to meet. As they become adults, and then they have kids, all of the vagaries of life come in play, especially finances and other things like that, the nitty-gritty of real life, inevitably there will be conflicts. There will challenges.
And because she is looking, pining to recreate that dynamic from her childhood with men, even a little bit of adversity, depending on how much she was spoiled, will spoil her fantasy and then she’s going to blame the dude for his failings, when she is basically unfairly judging them all. She won’t even figure this out until she’s in her 40s. Oh my god, she’s in her 40s, dude. I just realized that. I mean, you pointed that out, but how long has she been doing this? If she’s single in her 40s, how long has she been doing this?
This is the fate of women– I mean, the thing is, I know a lot of western men have been having to settle, like, to find a mature woman in the West… Listen to my accent, I’m from North America. I’m not just out here in Asia on my own, but dude, how long have men in the west been putting up with this shit so that to find a ‘mature woman’ emotionally, they have to get women in their late-30s and 40s. And even now, this woman has still not learned her lesson. I mean, based on the things that you’ve told me, if that’s accurate; if the information you’re giving is accurate.
But this is common, I’ve seen this before. I’ve seen this in case studies. I’ve read a lot about this in case studies in clinical psychology, and she’s going to mess up her children as well, get a divorce, go back out and look for her knight in shining armor, her prince, and then the first 3 or 4 years might be great, and then cracks in the armor appear and then she starts all over again. Now, here she is in her 40s, and you are her latest ‘victim’. No, this is big. If she’s really the daddy’s girl to the degree that you pointed out, this is worse than any of those things, like she’s independent financially on her own. None of those things matter as far as the relationship goes.
You can have two fucking poor people, but if they’re in love and they stick with it, they don’t look for the outlet, the exit, and they’re going to stick with it – people have been staying together in relationships before we had fucking electricity, dude. None of that shit matters. Emotionally maturity is all that really matters here. I know so many guys who are having to just look for these other things partly because they are ignorant, and immature, and they think these other things matter a lot more than they do. But secondly, because they are immature themselves, but thirdly, because they still don’t respect psychology yet.
If she’s a daddy’s girl, like really daddy’s girl where she’s unconsciously comparing all of the men she’s with to the treatment of her dad, which is super common – this is the same scenario for men and their mothers – and yeah, she’s already done for. Unless she gets some major counseling or has a major breakthrough… I think at 40 years old, the therapist should be able to point at the patterns that have been going on for the 20 years up to this point and just show her that. And hopefully, she’s rational. There you go. It matters; it matters, big time. All of the psychology stuff matters way more than all the financial shit that you’re bringing up.
Anyway, the point is, the psychology stuff matters more than all of the other things you are bringing up. If she’s a daddy’s girl, she’s going to be ruined on relationships within a few years of that relationship. There you go, that’s a really important thing. Join the Man Up private Facebook group. Get more education. Interact with the other guys in there. They’re asking really great questions. There are also some really great answers from some of the more mature, experienced guys in there. I’ll see you inside the private Facebook group. Click the link. Join the group. See you inside the group. Until then, Man Up!
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