Man Up | Ep. 108 • May 11, 2016
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or over a decade, David Tian, Ph.D., has coached tens of thousands of people from over 87 countries to achieve happiness and success in their dating and love lives.
Once a nerdy, skinny professor of Asian philosophy who couldn’t hold a conversation to save his life, David is now director of Aura Transformation Corp., and a world renowned dating and life coach. Dr. Tian has been featured in international media, including AXN, Cosmopolitan, Psychology Today, as well as co-hosting a radio show on national radio and a weekly dating advice column in a national newspaper in Singapore. Formerly a professor at the National University of Singapore, Dr. Tian is actively researching, speaking, and publishing in the areas of philosophy and psychology.
The show, “Man Up: Masculinity for the Intelligent Man,” is David’s way of helping as many people as possible enjoy empowering and fulfilling lives, while contributing to the global understanding of masculinity in modern times. In the show, he takes your questions posed in The Man Up private Facebook group and answers based on his experience Coaching tens of thousands of students around the world for over a decade.
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David Tian: Boom! Stop. In Episode 108, I answer the question of: Should you get back together with your ex?
Masculinity for the intelligent man. I’m David Tian, Ph.D. and this is Man Up!
Hey! It’s David Tian, Ph.D. And for the past ten years, I’ve been helping tens of thousands of people in over 87 countries find success in dating and relationships, And welcome to Episode 108 of Man Up: Masculinity for the Intelligent Man. I’m here in Shanghai. You can see behind me The Bund. Oh, it’s all lit up. Looks really nice now. A lot more contrast. And then over here, you can see Pudong. And you can see the pearl tower there. Okay, coming back here. Alrighty.
And I’m going to be answering a question that is long overdue. I thought I had answered it. Oddly, I hadn’t. I really thought I’d answered it. It is a long-ass question, and it’s from a man named Bilal. And Bilal, it’s been a while. I really thought I answered this. But I think what happened was, I read this question and then when I pressed play, and I opened up my phone again, and I scrolled down, because I must’ve closed the app probably or something like that, and I read somebody’s else’s question and I thought they were the same. But apparently, these are different questions.
So, this is a similar question, Bilal. And I know from the comments that you may not get this, you may not understand this. And it’s about his ex. So, guys, I get this all the time. I think that one of the most common threads among questions I get is guys asking me how do they get their ex back. And they often are too embarrassed to ask it, so they ask a question like, “If a girl’s like this, like this, like this, what should I do?” Trying to mask the fact that it’s his ex, but it comes out. And this is a long-ass question.
And usually, almost always, it is a bad idea. It is almost always a bad idea. You can get back together with her. But if it happens naturally, that’s best. But if you have to scheme your way there… The breakup happened for a reason. And if you don’t understand why that happened at a deeper level, then just getting back together will do you no good. It will simply delay the inevitable. That’s the situation for most guys, but most of them will not listen to that. Most of them are so blinded by their neediness that they’re unable to listen to reason. So, I’m creating a whole separate course for this that will be quite long and detailed on this.
So, look out for that coming up. But in the meantime, I will try to answer this question. Now, it is a long, long explanation. And then he gives me updates in the comments. I appreciate the detail, but here’s what I’m going to say to you. The initial question is, “Please, I seek your advice. Can you give me both – if I want her, what do I do? And if I don’t want her, what should I do? To be honest, what should I do?? I need help, thanks.”
And the question up above is, “Why does she block me and unblock me on WhatsApp?” Here it is, “Why does my ex-girlfriendwho broke up with me a couple months ago keep blocking me and then unblocking me in WhatsApp?” And here’s a basic situation. She blocked him because they broke up and she blocked him everywhere, Facebook and WhatsApp, but they work together. They’re in the same office. This is bad news already. “But at work, we will sitll see each other but don’t communicate”, he says.
She started to say hi, but I stopped her. I said I don’t want to even greet her. That’s bad already. You’re way too emotionally invested here. Then amount a month passed without communication, and then something serious happened at work and we had to communicate professionally. She saw that window and started to ask questions about my life. To be honest with you, I had feelings for her too, so I started talking but no social media. Of course, you have feelings for her. A lot of guys, they’re in this denial thing, like, “I’m totally okay. I’mtotally okay.” You’re not fucking okay. For you to actually seek out help, you’re not okay. You really want this to be resolved.
And here’s what happens. So like then, they do a work thing together, and then she becomes involved with him again, like him, sort of, and then they start messaging. And then he starts to think, “Oh, wow. Okay, maybe it’s back to ‘normal’ again.” So by this point, she has a new boyfriend and they’re both Indian-Asian, which is interesting. He says they look similar. That’s kind of weird.
But then, you started to create a jealousy. Like, you’re working the thing again. You said you created a jealousy plotline here. “It shook me up she’s dating a guy, but she wants me too, or just got jealous because I was talking to other…” And then he creates this desire in her. She regrets it, blocks him on WhatsApp, unblocks him. And this is very common behavior. This is common behavior among people who are emotionally immature, which is most people. Most people in the world don’t understand their own emotions. They’re all, “Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! I’m hurt! I’m hurt! I’m hurt!” It’s all about, “Do they love me?” It’s all about you. Like, it’s all about you here, and it’s all about her and her world.
Like, “Do they love me? Am I getting enough of my love? Am I significant enough? Am I the man? Am I the woman?” And so now, you guys are forced to communicate with each other at work. So now, you start communicating. She’s nice to you and you take that as, “Hey, let’s flirt a bit more.” And then she regrets it. But she liked it, and then she regretted it. This is very common, especially among people who don’t know what they want. And there’s a lot more here. He’s asking me, “What about this? She does this. What should I do?”
You should do nothing. This is over. This is fucking over. Neither you nor her are emotionally mature enough to have a successful relationship right now, whether it’s with that girl or any other girl. I’m just telling you straight up. You want to get her? It doesn’t matter. It’s ruined anyway. No matter what, it’s going to be ruined. You need to grow up. The only way you’re going to be able to do that, to actually mature psychologically, is either time and a lot of work. So, you could either do it the hard way and have many relationships, maybe two years, and then take a break, and then three years, take a break, for ten years. At the end of that ten years, maybe you’ll then be able to understand what’s happening. Most people still don’t, but maybe that will be you. And hopefully, if you were to go through all that, you’ll be ableto have that psychological experiencing and understanding.
Or you could do a shortcut, which is where you get the formal instruction, either through taking clinical psychology, which is difficult to get into and very time-consuming, or actually getting real coaching. I cover the problem here that you’re dealing with, which is your maturity levels, I cover this in detail in both programs called Invincible and Limitless, as well as pretty much every single one of my live events and programs. So, I would suggest you get coaching. I mean, I don’t mean to plug the programs, it’s because their problems are so deep, and so pervasive, and so many that one video can’t do it.
Now, I am going to be putting out a crash course on understanding situations with your ex, how to get your ex back, if that’s good for you to do. And then actually, most importantly, understanding why you would have this dynamic in the first place, of having the breakup and then wanting to get back together. But you know, even when you get that, Bilal, you could get her back, but what’s the fucking point? I mean, neither of you are emotionally mature enough for a successful relationship anyway. So, you’re basically just going to break up again. And it’ll be a lot worse than what it is right now. That’s the truth.
So, in the interest of keeping this under eight minutes. Alright, it’s eight minutes, awesome. Bilal, there’s your answer. If you need something more in-depth of understanding the situation with exes and stuff, just Google it, YouTube search my name “David Tian how to get your ex back” or something. I’ve done so many episodes answering questions like this. So, that’ll help you understand that as well as Episode 96, which is the one I thought I was answering your question in that video, but it was somebody else who had a similar situation.
So, I know that you’re not actually probably going to be in the mindset to understand and appreciate this advice, so I’m just putting out there the truth. And hopefully, you’ll be able to follow through with that. But you need help, you need help to grow up fast. But you know, that’s where you’re at right now. Okay, so look out for the “How to Get Your Ex Back” course. It’s a free course I’ll be putting out soon. And in the meantime, join the private Facebook group. I’ll see you inside the private Facebook group. Until then, Man Up!