Man Up | Ep. 94 • April 01, 2016
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or over a decade, David Tian, Ph.D., has coached tens of thousands of people from over 87 countries to achieve happiness and success in their dating and love lives.
Once a nerdy, skinny professor of philosophical psychology who couldn’t hold a conversation to save his life, David is now director of Aura Transformation Corp., and a world renowned dating and life coach using therapeutic methods. Dr. Tian has been featured in international media, including AXN, Cosmopolitan, Psychology Today, as well as co-hosting a radio show on national radio and a weekly dating advice column in a national newspaper in Singapore. Formerly a professor at the National University of Singapore, Dr. Tian is actively researching, speaking, and publishing in the areas of philosophy and psychology.
The show, “Man Up: Masculinity for the Intelligent Man,” is David’s way of helping as many people as possible enjoy empowering and fulfilling lives, while contributing to the global understanding of masculinity in modern times. In the show, he takes your questions posed in The Man Up private Facebook group and answers based on his experience Coaching tens of thousands of students around the world for over a decade.
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Should You Ask Her How She Feels Towards You?
David Tian: Boom! Stop. In episode 94 of Man Up, I answer the question of should you ask her how she feels towards you.
Masculinity for the intelligent man. I’m David Tian, Ph.D. and this is Man Up!
Hi, this is David Tian, Ph.D. and welcome to Episode 94 of Man Up. It’s getting late over here, full day of work. Just came out of a workout and I’m still sweating. Got a good metabolic burn on that workout. I shot an episode earlier, episode 93 obviously. Not obviously, the one before this and it was on Vincent’s question. So I’m continuing Vincent’s question and in the previous episode I only got past the 3rd sentence. So let’s get into it.
Just a recap, he’s studying nanotechnology and he met a really beautiful girl in one of his classes and they texted for a year but he says that at that point he was too scared to ask her out on a date. “After one year, I finally asked her out,” he says, “She said yes and we went on a date.” So that’s where we stopped as of the last episode.
He finally asked her out. She says yes and they went on date and “It went pretty okay,” he says, “but definitely could have gone better. We had a lot of fun but she seemed uncomfortable, [not much long eye contact, didn’t really reciprocate when I picked up more sexual topics]. At the end, I went in for the kiss but she turned her cheek towards me then smiled at me and told me goodnight.
Recall from Episode 93 because we know that it took him a year of texting to finally asked her out on a real-in-person meeting and he was too scared to ask her out on a date; so we’ve already established this fear threshold. So we know a lot about him already.
It went pretty okay, he says but she seemed uncomfortable. Dude, if she’s uncomfortable on a date this isn’t like you just walked up to her on the street or anything. She is on a date with you after a year of being in your class and texting and she’s uncomfortable. This is not pretty okay.
So again, like we know he’s socially awkward because he hasn’t…it took him a year to work up the courage to just say, “Hey do you want to grab dinner?” it took him a year to do that and I know a lot of women who are older and nostalgic for life in the 1950s when there was courtship because back then the gender weren’t as equal as they are now but women now are crushing it in universities in the higher education.
Women are doing much better than the men and they are doing just as well in their careers, right up to maybe the top 1%, top point one percent they’re still dominated by men but over time you’ll see a lot more gender equality. So if you women want gender equality then you can’t be hypocrite and say, “Okay, we want gender equality but we still want men to kiss our asses and beg us out on dates.” It’s not how it works.
So Vincent you’re buying into the old world when it doesn’t even apply and many women don’t even want it. Many women are empowered. Many women want to have autonomy. They don’t want to wait to be asked out on a date and if you want to keep it casual just say, “Hey, you want to grab a coffee. If you want to make a little bit more romantic you say, “Hey, you want to grab a drink.”
Or you want to keep it formal and you know that you want to see her on multiple occasions maybe to become like your girlfriend or something then you can say, “Hey, I’m thinking about grabbing dinner on Tuesday, you want to join?” Something casual like that welcome to 2016. Treat women with respect in that level that you don’t need to have to like buy their affection through this whole courtship thing.
So hopefully that has made it a little easier for you the next time you ask a girl out. And this whole asking out, it sounds like when you asked somebody out that’s like unequal like the person who’s asking it sounds like you’re supplicating like, “Oh please, would you go out like…”
How about you give her the opportunity to go on a date with you. If you’re a person of self-esteem you would just be like, “Yes I’m fortunate to go out with you really beautiful girl but you should feel appreciative of the opportunity to go out with me as well, I mean, let’s talk about equality.” Anyway, I already talked about that in the earlier episode so I’m going to bracket that for this one.
Because he has trouble reading social cues, I mean, if you think it’s pretty okay that she’s uncomfortable then you’re already screwed up. You’re not calibrating. You can’t read it yet and that’s okay. You’re still in school so I’m assuming you’re in your early 20s. You still got time, a lot of time. I didn’t discover any social psychology until I was in my late 20s.
She didn’t reciprocate when you picked up on sexual topics. – Dude, Vincent you cannot about sex right now. If you don’t even have enough courage to talk to a girl, if you’re too scared to asked a girl on a date for a year then there’s no fucking way that you’re sexually experienced and there’s no fucking way you can talk about sex in a casual-controlled no big deal manner because it’s a big deal for you, I know it is. So don’t talk about that, in maturity this is going to come out. Just go to where you are. Don’t try to be a pimp when you’re just a nice cute innocent boy right now.
Go with where you are. Don’t try to pretend to be somebody way ahead of where you are. So drop the sexual topics until you have more sexual experience and until you have the guts to talk to a girl whenever you want to. Like ideally you’ll be a man and a man goes and gets what he wants. A man when he sees somebody he wants to talk to just goes over and says hi and talks to them – that’s a man. A little boy is the one who’s afraid to talk to people, who’s too scared to asked people if they want to join or if they want to go along or if they want to come out to the movies with the group, something like that.
At the end, you went in for the kiss he says. Yes, you’re in Germany. Germany actually sexually speaking is very advanced, evolved (I don’t know if it’s the right word) but very advanced maybe from a small town in Germany I must account for this whole went in for the kiss. Just the thought of that was like you’re saving it up, you’re saving up like, “Oh, I hope I get the kiss at the end of the night.”
And the whole value of disparity, that’s inherent in that. The assumption is he’s of lower value. That he has to go in for the kiss, “Oh, look at me I got a kiss from her!” If you’re thinking going in for the kiss and I know a lot of guys like this in Asia, in Singapore who have no experience around dating, no experience with women, no experience being one-on-one with a girl, and gets super nervous because they have no experience and are 30 years old or more and I understand that, I mean, I get it; so you just need more experience.
If you’re thinking, do I go in for the kiss? You should kiss her when the time is right not at the end of the date. You should kiss her when there’s a connection on the date, in your conversation and maybe you don’t even need to kiss, just withhold the kiss for awhile. Going in for the kiss at the end of the night is reeking of neediness. It was okay when you had to ask mom and dad her permission to take her out and stuff like that but it’s 2016 now.
Then he gets denied, she turned her cheek towards him instead and she just doesn’t like you enough. She could be playing hard to get. I don’t get that feeling because a girl playing hard to get is really flirtatious and then withdraws it almost like she just suddenly woke up and realized she can’t be too easy. This does not sound like a girl who’s playing hard to get, this sounds like a girl who just wasn’t having that much fun and wasn’t feeling it, didn’t feel the chemistry.
So he asked her if she has time next week to come over. She told him she was not in town and has to learn for her exams but that we will see if she finds some time. Okay that sounds like a blow off. “After that, she didn’t invest anymore. She used to text me random stuff, etc. and respond very quickly but that just stopped.”
Yeah, you just creeped her out on a date men and of course you’ll creep her out. In fact, you’ll creep out any girl that you view in this way. If you view her as a really beautiful girl that you’re too scared to talk to for an entire year there’s no fucking way in hell that that date will go well unless she’s just been through tons of bad relationships and finally wants to settle for a controllable guy, a controllable little boy basically. It’s just not sexually attractive plus you’re not confident plus you’re not even comfortable in your element.
You’re asking, how do I get there? – Well, you need some training, you need some coaching, you need a lot of knowledge. You need to learn about 2016 and what the modern social world and what women are like? What they have to go through from a young age, attractive women and just get with the world? I think you’ve been in the world of nanotechnology too long. Women are not technology.
So an appreciation of psychology is missing just as like the biggest thing that every guy in the group of having trouble with women can do, the biggest thing you can do for themselves is to respect and learn about psychology. Respect and learn about psychology of young people today.
So that would blow your mind in itself. We are human beings. The way we think and feel is everything when it comes to dating, attraction, relationships, marriage, etc. and if you’re in the world of technology and you can’t bridge that gap to emotional intelligence, you will lose. You will lose your wife. You will lose your children. You will lose sexual opportunities. You will lose dates.
You will lose in this world because as technology becomes more sophisticated you will be replaced unless you’re the top guy in the world, you will be replaced and emotional intelligence that will be the last thing that AI will be able to do.
So if you want to stay relevant, the way to go is managing people, understanding human psychology, that’s what you need, Vincent and obviously are my programs in Aura are all heavily psychology-based or deeply psychology-based. So a good start would be to start our free courses and start from there.
“Now, I won’t see her for at least a month because it’s semester break which is good I guess because it allows me to get some emotional distance. – Yeah. The reason I needed the emotional distance is because I became emotionally invested very quickly and need to work on that. No, duh. Also I made a mistake. She just fits every physical trait I like in a girl which was enough for me to possibly justify every other nonphysical traits she could have had.”
So he’s so sexually inexperienced and datingwise inexperienced that just because she’s hot he loses his head. So get it out of your system, masturbate some more like it’s not that big of a deal. Beauty fades, it fades and there is no reason to get all nervous around it. It’s just a thing, in fact it’s a physical thing.
Physical beauty is a physical thing. You can possess it, you can take it. Emotional beauty, intellectual beauty like moral beauty – that’s not a thing that you can just grab and possess that is much rarer, that’s what you can look for, that lasts. Physical beauty does not last. Youth cannot by its very nature last and that’s a big part. Youth is a big part, evolutionarily of what males look for in females.
And he justifies every other nonphysical traits you could have had which is of course bad and “I feel like a lot of women unconsciously noticed that.” – Of course they do, not just women I noticed it just from your first three sentences.
“I didn’t screen and qualify sincerely and I discovered yesterday how powerful screening qualifying is.” – Well good for you, awesome. Excellent, that’s the way to go. Keep doing it, keep doing it, get used to seeing beautiful women so that’s not a big deal when you meet them. You got to inure yourself.
You have to desensitize yourself to physical beauty so it doesn’t have a control over you. You can appreciate it like a beautiful painting but you don’t salivate and lose your head over it. And that’s a really interesting point, desensitize yourself to beauty. desensitize yourself to beauty, desensitize yourself to ephemeral, transient, meaningless, physical beauty because what is transient and ephemeral it will go and even if, if you marry her 10 years in, it will go and there will be another girl that will be even hotter, should be 10 years younger and now you could have gotten her, I mean, or you also just give up on improving yourself and you stagnate, both are bad.
So if you’re in it for physical beauty then that relationship is not sustainable and I get it, a lot of guys are doing this for ego. They want to feel good about themselves that they got a girl. Get it out of your system but don’t assume that anything like that will last or lead to anything great and I used to think there was a phase that every guy has to go through in order to get to the next level.
I’m not sure that that phase is necessary or that phase needs to be very long. So you can desensitize yourself to it. You can view it. View physical beauty, you can get vogue or whatever the fuck beauty is to you and just see it a lot. Obviously in person surround yourself with physically beautiful people is the best way to go and you ought to do that, so you’ll get used to that and then of course philosophically you should know and try to get your values up but I get it a lot of guys especially young guys under 30. I think if you’re under 30, you’re young. They’re so much ego involved that it’s difficult for them to think beyond, to see deeper things.
Finally we get to his question, should I just try to completely forget her for some time which hard for me. I mean she’s the main reason why I’m writing this and ask her if she wants to spend some time when the new semester begins.
Wait that’s two questions. Let me repeat what he wrote. Vincent, listen to this. “Should I just try to completely forget her for some time and ask her if she wants to spend some time when that…” Oh, I see, I see. He’s asking, “Should I just try to completely forget her for this one semester break, one month break and then ask her when the new semester begins if she wants to spend some time or should I just straight out ask how she feels towards me?” – Don’t do that, we already know.
She’s not that into you men. She’s not into you and you made her feel awkward, that’s the truth. Face reality. You cannot grow unless you face reality, nobody can. If you stare in the mirror and say, “I’m beautiful, I’m beautiful, I’m beautiful” but you’re 60 pounds overweight. That couldn’t be beauty so that’s wrong. If you stare in the mirror and you think, “I’m fit. I’m slim. I’m skinny. I’m skinny. I’m skinny,” but you’re obese, it’s not going to help. The reality is she’s not into you. If you continue to hound her, asking her out it would just further annoy her.
So the only way back is when the new semester begins you’re in her class so you have to do it indirectly. She sees you in some other capacity. One easy way to do it is to befriend her friends and hopefully not with this horrible agenda of just befriending her but because they’re innately interesting to you or they’re interesting in themselves to you and during this month you completely change all of this neediness which is going to be difficult. If you’re on my program, Invincible. it could happen but otherwise, that’s not going to happen.
I’m just being honest but you could learn.
It will take you I think a year at least of transformation, sustained transformation and experience dating different girls just to have the experience of being out with a beautiful woman at dinner or at drinks, coffee and sitting together, walk through the park, in group activities inviting two or three beautiful women together to have tea or to go to the bar together or to watch a movie together and then grab dinner afterwards like so many things that can be done to help you become cooler but right now you’re mind is so needy towards this woman and needy towards female like the fact that you’re too afraid to ask her out on a date and took you a year is already so cowardly that you need to grow balls, I don’t know what else to say.
So no, even if you wait a month unless you do some serious sustained mental emotional work, the kind that I provide in Invincible, but I don’t know anywhere else that can do it, so it’s really sad but you can learn a lot of facts, I mean, if you read a lot of psychology read Nathaniel Branden on self-esteem but it’s pretty complex and it’s going to take awhile for it to become internalized and then for you to apply it.
I don’t see you coming at this level in a month being ready to be attractive to her. Do your best bet, is to come back with a fashion makeover, so you got to look different so that she starts to associate different feelings towards your presence and then you can slowly during that course of that semester become friends with people that she knows so that in a social setting when you’re all are out with a group going out for drinks at 9 PM that she happens to be there and you happen to be there and then that’s a perfect opportunity for her to see the new you, the new that’s not needy and cowardly.
If you don’t drink don’t worry, just go to the café then. You can do a study in the café at 9 PM with her friends on a Tuesday night, whatever and you see her there or whatever? Figure out who her friends are and when she sees them and then organize a group of activity together or join a group-type of thing that she’s enjoying like an extracurricular thing that she does or just have a class with her and then it’s easy to happen to sit next to her and really casually ask her how she is without an agenda, not trying to get anything but just “How you’re doing? Cool, good to know you’re doing well” and stuff like that and just real casual and then she starts to realize you’re not trying to get something from her but you’re perfectly fine just being cool.
And then you got to be new, you got to be a new you and that should be visually, auditory you should sound different. You got to be confident. You got to actually learn confidence. You got to develop confidence during that time and then maybe, she would change her views. But you’re talking about one individual out of 7 billions and nobody can guarantee that because no one knows who this girl is and there’s relatively little information you’d given us about her.
So that’s the reality. Nothing good comes easy and you’re going to have to think through it. I created a program called Invincible to speed up that process a 100 times, a hundred fold but right now we’ve closed it. You can get on the waiting list. Obviously you can go there through auratransformation.org products tab dropdown Invincible, it’s easy as fuck to find. All right guys, join the private Facebook group. I’d spent two entire episodes with a grand total of 30 minutes answering Vincent’s question. I’m trying to give as much value as I can to you guys. This is my job. This is my passion and take advantage of it. I’ll see you on the group. Man up!