Man Up | Ep. 209 • September 26, 2017
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or over a decade, David Tian, Ph.D., has coached tens of thousands of people from over 87 countries to achieve happiness and success in their dating and love lives.
Once a nerdy, skinny professor of philosophical psychology who couldn’t hold a conversation to save his life, David is now director of Aura Transformation Corp., and a world renowned dating and life coach using therapeutic methods. Dr. Tian has been featured in international media, including AXN, Cosmopolitan, Psychology Today, as well as co-hosting a radio show on national radio and a weekly dating advice column in a national newspaper in Singapore. Formerly a professor at the National University of Singapore, Dr. Tian is actively researching, speaking, and publishing in the areas of philosophy and psychology.
The show, “Man Up: Masculinity for the Intelligent Man,” is David’s way of helping as many people as possible enjoy empowering and fulfilling lives, while contributing to the global understanding of masculinity in modern times. In the show, he takes your questions posed in The Man Up private Facebook group and answers based on his experience Coaching tens of thousands of students around the world for over a decade.
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What To Do When She Won’t Make Time For You
David Tian Ph.D. reveals what happens when you subject relationships to ultimatums.
David Tian Ph.D. shares the truth about about contract relationships.
In this Man Up episode, David Tian Ph.D explains what men should learn to be better in relationships.
Boom! Stop. I’m David Tian, PhD, and in this video, I answer the question: What to do when she won’t make time for you? Welcome to Man Up Episode 209.
Masculinity for the Intelligent Man. I’m David Tian, PhD., and this is Man Up!
Hey, I’m David Tian, PhD., and for over the past 10 years, I have been helping hundreds of thousands of people in over 87 countries attain success, happiness and fulfillment in life and love. Welcome to Man Up Episode 209. I am outside Salzburg in Austria. I’m not going to try to pronounce the name of this actual place, but it is a beautiful resort that we’re at. There’s not much to say about it. I just got to show it.
We came out here to just check it out because we just checked in the resort, just checked out the lake, and I just couldn’t wait to film. This is not the ideal filming time, but I just want to get this out of the way because I definitely want to make sure we got a video here with this beautiful backdrop. It’s crazy because it’s empty as well in the middle of summer. Another added bonus for this particular property, SPG Rock. Okay.
So I got a question here from the private Man Up Facebook group. If you’re not in the group yet, join the group. This one comes from Mike. Once you hear it, it should be pretty straightforward, but I’m recording this partly for you to hear the question. This is a question that I get asked a lot, this sort of question. Okay, so Mike:
“Hey guys, I’m currently in a weird situation. I could definitely use some advice. So, I’ve been seeing this girl for almost two years now, and I absolutely love being with her. The only problem that we have is that we only see each other a few times a month, and the only reason that we see each other so infrequently is because she has a pretty busy schedule and she lives about 15 to 20 minutes from me.” That’s not very far, by the way, Mike. “But she seems to make all the time in the world for her friends whenever they want her to come out and spend time with them.”
This is really important. We had a lot of comments on this. I screenshot this pretty early on, but something like over 50 comments at least on that question. It seemed like everybody was either totally ragging on him, it was very polarized. One thing that a lot of people missed out on was this particular sentence, because he buries it and then backtracks in the actual question. But this is the one part that obviously is the thing that gets in the way. “But she seems to make all the time in the world for her friends whenever they want her to come out and spend time with them.”
If she’s just really busy, if she works really hard, or if she’s a far drive from you, we get it. Those are all valid reasons to not be able to meet very often. But if she’s meeting up with her friends all the time as you make it seem like, Mike, then that sabotage all the other excuses and rationalizations you’re trying to put together. And let’s continue with the question. You’ll hear more rationalizations.
“I’ve actually talked with her about this several times. In fact, we actually broke up and didn’t talk to each other for about a month. I told her that I was willing to try and make things work but things would have to be different this time. I told her that I have no interest in being in a part-time relationship and I’ll only consider taking her back if she was willing to commit to seeing each other more often.”
Now, this is a very man way of dealing with relationship issues. What he basically did is he laid down an ultimatum. He said, “If you want this, then do this.” This is a very guy way of dealing with things in relationships. But if you want a passionate relationship, you can’t force, coerce, bargain, or contract affection or emotion. She is either passionate about you or she’s not. You can’t persuade her logically to do that. Even if you had her write down in a fucking legal contract that she must meet you X number of times or you’re going to break up, this is completely useless. Because even if she did follow that, and her heart wasn’t into it, it doesn’t matter that she actually followed it.
What’s important here is not what you’re going to enforce or ultimatums that you get her to agree to. The guy will always, in the end, these self-righteous guys, most guys, are very by the books and they want relationships to basically be open agreements. “This is what I agree, this is what you agree, and this is what our contract is.” That’s what they’re comfortable with. The thing is, if they do that, it undermines the passion in the relationship and it undermines the attraction in the relationship. It undermines the emotion in the relationship because you can’t force somebody to like you. You can’t logically persuade them to do that. It’s an emotion, so there are ways of influencing or persuading people to feel emotions, but they’re not done through these sort of contractual means.
And then the guys who do this and engage in these sorts of relationships, they get really self-righteously mad about it when she breaks the contract. And then all she does is feel guilty about it, but she’s still not going to follow through because she doesn’t want to. Now, the idea is if you have to enter into a contract at all, it’s already game over because that means she doesn’t want to. This is either she wants to stay in it and wants to meet you or she doesn’t. And putting down a contract and saying, “Look, bitch. Two months ago, you agreed to this.” And then she goes, “Okay, I’ll grudgingly come out now.” What do you gain from that? Nothing, but a lot of guys don’t understand how relationships actually work. They don’t understand emotions because they haven’t taken yet the David Tian masterclass that is free inside the Man Up Facebook group. We have a whole free course on how to make a relationship passionate, relationship red flags, and so on.
Anyway, going on here. He got her to verbally agree to a contract and then he said, “Okay, we’ll get back together.”
“Well, it’s been a month since we got back together, and nothing has changed.” Oh, surprise. “I texted her today to see what her plans were for the weekend, and she told me that she’s too busy and couldn’t see me until next week. That was the straw that broke the camel’s back and I called her out on her BS.” What’s the point? I mean, you already entered into a contract, basically enforcing/coercing somebody. Like, “Okay, I agree to this.” It doesn’t even matter. You don’t even care if she wants to. Clearly, she doesn’t want to see you enough.
Dude, if it was Ryan Gosling or Channing Tatum who asked her out, maybe that’s a bad example because you’re so into it, but you’re so in this relationship. If it was her dying grandmother, would she take the time to get out of her house, into her car, and drive out? Yes, obviously, she would. The fact of the matter is she just doesn’t want to meet you badly enough. You’re her comfort zone, you’re her security blanket, you’re her backup guy for whatever reason she’s getting some sort of value out of keeping you around, and you’re too pussy to break it off. This is the situation you’re going to be in.
And if you keep taking her back, by the way, because you’re showing you don’t really have balls. You’re like, “Okay, I’ll take you back only if you verbally agree to this contract.” It’s just like – what a weak move, man. “I told her exactly how I was feeling and told her that I need a little more effort on her part or this isn’t going to work.” Effort. Like, there’s so many guys in the world – and guys and girls. Girls get into this too, but I think it’s more common among men because it’s a male way of thinking, entering into contractual agreements as relationships, as the foundation of relationships.
Like saying, “Look, I need you to make a more of an effort.” Like, she’s your employee or something. Look, if she doesn’t want to do it, forcing her to do it isn’t going to make a fucking difference. The thing is, she doesn’t want to. She doesn’t want you bad enough, right? “Now, she is super pissed at me.” Good for her. “And thinks I’m being completely unreasonable.” Yeah, when you force somebody… It’s sort of like the way you talk to your teenager daughter, I imagine. I’m sure you don’t have a teenage daughter. I don’t have one. It’s sort of like that same sort of scenario, the same dynamic. You want her to do your homework. You want her not to party and waste away her years in high school and study instead.
So, you ground her. What good is that? “I’m going to force you to stay home.” Guess what? If she’s smart, she’s going to figure out a way to sneak out of the house and party. What do you gain out of that? I mean, you can basically be her daddy and ground her. Basically, that’s the relationship you’re creating here, and she’s saying, “You’re being unreasonable, daddy.” Recreating that dynamic. And maybe she probably does have daddy issues if she’s picking a guy like you, and you have mommy issues because you picked a girl like this. Which is not a bad thing. I mean, everyone has issue with the primary care givers.
“I told her that I explicitly told her that I was only interested in getting back together if she would make more of a commitment to make this work, and she hasn’t changed at all. So help me out, guys. I’ve been with my fair share of women and I don’t get attached very easily to anyone, but this girl is different.” Okay, so first you’re saying, “We’ve been together for two years” so that’s your comfort zone thing. But then we don’t see each other very often and then you’re saying, “I don’t get easily attached to anyone.” But this girl is different. But if you don’t see her very often, why are you getting attached to her? If she’s being a bitch to you, why are you being attached to her? Clearly, you have attachment issues. You have anxious attachment or neediness towards her.”
“I’ve honestly never met anyone I enjoy being around as much as I enjoy being around her.” Clearly, she doesn’t feel the same way about you. Because if she did, she would be making the time to come out and meet you. She just doesn’t like you enough, and forcing her to do it isn’t going to make her emotions change. “All I want is to be able to see her a couple of times a week, and I really don’t think that’s an unreasonable thing to expect.” And now you sound like a whiny guy. “I just want to see you a couple times a week. That’s not unreasonable.” If you’re like, “Be reasonable! This is a reasonable agreement I’m putting in front of you!” It’s already over, man. You’re forcing her. Attraction is emotion. It’s not something you can force. Passion is an emotion. It’s not something you can force.
Unless you want to basically be in a contractual relationship, like an arranged marriage or something, and that’s not what you want apparently, you’re forcing her. You’re like, “You better fucking like being with me.” How’s that going to actually change her, right? Clearly, you’re her comfort zone, and because you guys have been together for two years. Maybe in the beginning, you had some passion, but now you’re her security blanket. It’s going to be hard for her to just break that off. I predict that you will have, it’s a two-year relationship, I predict that you will you have three to six months beyond this of the salad stage, which is just break up, get back together, break up, get back together, break up, get back together, and then finally each time you break up, it gets worse and worse. And then finally, you have a break up that makes it so that you can’t be friends anymore or even stay in touch. It gets awkward when you see her again, that kind of thing.
Okay, so it ends with, “I don’t think I’m being unreasonable. I told her exactly how I’m feeling, but she doesn’t think that she’s in the wrong at all here.” Now, you’re just arguing, “Who is the wrong? I am in the right. I have the right to do this. I have justice on my side. I have truth.” None of that shit matters. All you dudes, none of that shit matters in a relationship. You’re all trying to enforce a contractual relationship. I see this a lot in America especially. This adherence to the rules and laws, and what is right, and this self-righteousness. And they never turn the mirror on themselves and think, “Are emotions done this way?” And I bet, once you have kids, if you don’t change, if you don’t listen to what I’m saying and get emotional intelligence, and learn about emotions, and learn how attraction, passion, and love works, and instead you coerce it, you’re going to fuck up your kids, Mike.
“And I told her exactly how I’m feeling, but she doesn’t think she’s in the wrong. I’m thinking that I will just let this play out a little longer.” Why? “And if she isn’t willing to budge on this issue, then I’m just going to break it off for good.” Yeah, you said that last time, I bet, man. You’re also in your comfort zone. You also don’t have the balls to break it. Every time you take her back, you just show that you don’t have the balls. I asked, “Why would you want to spend more time with a girl who has clearly chosen not to spend time with you?” One question, that was it. 25 likes on that. Thank you guys. But yeah, there you go, Mike.
This is pretty cut and dried. I was shocked how many guys in the comments were polarized on this issue. It is so obvious what the issues are. Mike is being a wimp and a pussy, and he can’t break it off, but he keeps being self-righteous about it. He continues to try to enforce love, and enforce attraction, and enforce passion, to institute rules that will force her to be with him. You know, this is every single Hollywood movie that where a guy tries this, it completely backfires and he’s the villain. Don’t be the fucking villain, Mike. Learn about emotions. Learn about attraction. Learn how passion works. It’s not how the average person thinks it is. Get into the Man Up Facebook group. Well, for whoever is watching this. If you also have the same questions or issues like Mike, and get the free courses where I go over this in pretty good detail in the free courses.
Of course, I got a lot of other Man Up episodes where I talk about these sorts of issues, about attraction, and love, and what is the difference. There’s another longer seminar. It’s called Love vs Attraction. You can YouTube search that and find that video, and I go over the difference between love and attraction, and what attraction is, because that’s something that Mike doesn’t understand here.
Alright, man. So, I got to get going. The sun is in my eyes. I got a lot to enjoy here, and David Tian, signing out. Join the private Man Up Facebook group. I’ll see you inside the group. Until then, David Tian, signing out. Man Up!