Man Up | Ep. 156 • November 14, 2016
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or over a decade, David Tian, Ph.D., has coached tens of thousands of people from over 87 countries to achieve happiness and success in their dating and love lives.
Once a nerdy, skinny professor of philosophical psychology who couldn’t hold a conversation to save his life, David is now director of Aura Transformation Corp., and a world renowned dating and life coach using therapeutic methods. Dr. Tian has been featured in international media, including AXN, Cosmopolitan, Psychology Today, as well as co-hosting a radio show on national radio and a weekly dating advice column in a national newspaper in Singapore. Formerly a professor at the National University of Singapore, Dr. Tian is actively researching, speaking, and publishing in the areas of philosophy and psychology.
The show, “Man Up: Masculinity for the Intelligent Man,” is David’s way of helping as many people as possible enjoy empowering and fulfilling lives, while contributing to the global understanding of masculinity in modern times. In the show, he takes your questions posed in The Man Up private Facebook group and answers based on his experience Coaching tens of thousands of students around the world for over a decade.
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Boom! Stop. I’m David Tian, PhD. And in this video, I discuss: why do you feel so jealous about her sexual history? Welcome to Man Up Episode 156.
Masculinity for the intelligent man. I’m David Tian, PhD, and this is Man Up!
Hi! I’m David Tian, PhD. And for over the past ten years, I’ve been helping hundreds of thousands of people in over 87 countries attain success, happiness and fulfillment in life and love, and here I am in Bangkok and just walking out from the Luxury Collection Hotel here. And it’s really cool, because it’s actually connected directly through the Sky Bridge to the BTS. So, just swinging around, you can see – I mentioned in an earlier episode how all of Bangkok… Well, not all, but a big part of Bangkok in this area, from Sukhumvit, down a couple stations that way and then starting up again about two stations over, starting from there and going about four stations, they’re all connected by these Sky Bridges. Well, it’s not bridges, it’s like sky platforms. I forget the exact term of it.
And then up above there, you can see it’s called the BTS or above-ground subway here. So, it’s pretty cool. Very comfortable living here, and this particular hotel connects right through to the subway. So, you can see the platform, I just walked all the way out. Very convenient. Anyway, this is not a hotel review, but I just wanted to show you that.
And I’m going to show you the rush hour traffic here. One thing about Bangkok and Jakarta is the horrible traffic. This is, what? Like 5:30pm, so it’s not even that bad yet. But everyone who has been out here know I’m talking about the horrible traffic. There you go, here are some more. Alright, so I’m going to go to a quieter area over here.
And I’m answering– quite a few guys had the same question over the period of about a week or so, and it was about the same issue. They’re asking, “Why is it when the girlfriend or the girl I’m seeing has had more sexual experience than I have, or is getting more attention from guys than I am getting attention from girls, why do I feel jealous? Why is there this overwhelming feeling of jealousy?”
So, I’ll give you three quick reasons for this. The first is to understand the science in evolution. So, from an evolutionary perspective, it just makes sense if you find out that at woman has had a lot of sexual partners, that you find some degree of insecurity around whether you can trust because of the paternity uncertainty. So, it’s not clear whether if you have a baby with her, whether it’s yours, and so you doubt this and this.
So, from an evolutionary perspective, it warns you not to invest too much. So, just to understand this from a pure science perspective, it just sort of makes sense. There’s a great book about this by David Buss and scientists in evolutionary psychology, I think it’s called — one of the words in the subtitle or the title is ‘jealousy’. It’s not that hard to find.
So, there are some scientific research in anthropology that says that we came from tribal societies, where in tribal societies, to counteract the paternity uncertainty, women took a mating strategy where they hooked up with multiple men so that the men never knew if that was really their child. So, basically they invested in all of the children in the tribe, in the village, and raised them all up just in case.
I think that originally, 50,000 years ago, the tribes were not that big. 50,000 years ago, we weren’t in large communities yet. And if we understand evolutionary lag, what we’re adapted for, it’s about 50 to 100 thousand years roughly. And at that time, we travelled in groups of 10 to 15 people, 15 at most roughly. So, this is my knowledge of anthropology, paleoanthropology. So, anyone whose knowledge differs – a difference from that – please feel free to talk about that in the Man Up group.
But it just sort of makes sense from an evolutionary perspective why you’d be jealous when you find out that a woman that you’ve invested time into has a history of sexual promiscuity; just makes sense. It’s actually evolutionarily useful to you to sort of – it’s a red alert. Like, “Okay, hold on, let’s make sure we don’t over-invest just in case she cheated on you or something like that.”
And then beyond that, just because it’s evolutionary, adaptive, doesn’t mean that it’s a good thing. It’s just to understand why you feel that way. But beyond that, in terms of human psychology, the more you invest in something, the more it becomes worth to you. So, this is what I talk about in many of my programs, called the Cost-Worth Connection.
So, the more it costs you, the more you consider it to be worth; the more worth you put into it, or the more worth you ascribe to it. So, the more you invest in a girl or a woman, the more that you will feel jealous when you find out that maybe she was sexually promiscuous, or maybe that she likes some other guy.
One of the other examples was, “My girlfriend is a huge fan of–” I forget which star it was. Maybe it was Channing Tatum or whatever, “And she drools about him and fantasizes about him”, and all this, and he’s like, “I feel insecure or jealous when this happens. How do I deal with that?”
And so, that’s the same sort of issue. And that is less of an evolutionary explanation, it’s more of an investment issue where you put a lot into this. And maybe if he shows up, maybe she’ll throw everything out the door just for him. But beyond that, actually in that case as a really good segway, the deeper, deeper reason… So, at the service level there’s investment, but if you’re equally investing in a good relationship, you’re equally investing so that you shouldn’t be over-invested to the point where you’re pot committed or whatever the term is in poker, where you went too far into that hand and you lose all rationality.
If you have equal investment, mutual investment, you invest in her, she invests in you, you shouldn’t feel that much insecurity because the investment should be matched and it should be equal what you both put into it. So, that should mitigate that insecure feeling. So, it really comes down to the third, which is the self-worth issues. And this I went into in much detail, and a lot of detail, in the live shows I shot in the Facebook group that I was doing for a couple weeks. And then I might do again, depending on how much engagement we get as we go forward.
But it got a lot of engagement. We had hundreds of guys watch those videos. I think at the last count we had 900 to 1,000 on the first video. So, go watch the live shows inside the Facebook group. I went deep into the self-worth issues and the co-dependency. So, the investment with the woman, that you put into a woman – even if she invests back in you, you still might not appreciate that. Mentally, psychologically, you still may not be able to draw strength from it because of your co-dependency issues.
So, I go into that in a lot of detail in the live shows. Of course, there’s a lot more to say about it, but I go into more detail in the live shows. In addition to co-dependency, there’s your whole self-esteem and self-worth problems. They’re all related. So, guys who exhibit a really obsessive level of jealousy, where it nags at them to a degree where it’s almost neurotic, that’s beyond the evolution or just investment, the first two points I made. That’s where it’s at the level of – there’s self-worth issues, worthiness issues or self-esteem issues.
And they’re probably in a co-dependent relationship with that woman or that girl. Unless you deal with that underlying issue, then this jealousy is never going to go away.
What a lot of guys try to do, and a lot of PUAs and game guys try to do to counteract the jealousy, is to – there’s some acronym for it, but it’s basically, “Go fuck 10 girls” or something. They basically want to make their ego feel good by getting the same attention that she’s getting, but he’s going to get it from girls and he’s just going to pop his ego up.
A very bad and dangerous strategy. It’s actually going to just drive the issues deeper into your psyche. It’ll actually make it harder for you to access them while this is happening. So, it’d actually prolong the pain, in fact.
And it’s still an addiction, in fact; that low self-esteem, self-worth. So, get that out. That’s the underlying issue. So, I go into detail on that in the live shows. Get into the Facebook group to access those live shows. My arm is now shaking a bit. I did a heavy workout today, counteract some of that birthday eating. So, I’m going to end the video here.
So, just to recap, why do you feel obsessively jealous about your girlfriend’s sexual history or the attention she gets from guys? Evolution, over-investment possibly, over-investment from you.
And then finally, very likely in all cases, a self-worth issue, self-esteem issues, co-dependency issues, and I’ve covered the third one in a lot more detail in the live shows, inside the Facebook group. So, join the private Facebook group. Click the link, join the group, and I’ll see you inside the group. Until then, Man Up!