Man Up | Ep. 47 • December 09, 2015
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or over a decade, David Tian, Ph.D., has coached tens of thousands of people from over 87 countries to achieve happiness and success in their dating and love lives.
Once a nerdy, skinny professor of philosophical psychology who couldn’t hold a conversation to save his life, David is now director of Aura Transformation Corp., and a world renowned dating and life coach using therapeutic methods. Dr. Tian has been featured in international media, including AXN, Cosmopolitan, Psychology Today, as well as co-hosting a radio show on national radio and a weekly dating advice column in a national newspaper in Singapore. Formerly a professor at the National University of Singapore, Dr. Tian is actively researching, speaking, and publishing in the areas of philosophy and psychology.
The show, “Man Up: Masculinity for the Intelligent Man,” is David’s way of helping as many people as possible enjoy empowering and fulfilling lives, while contributing to the global understanding of masculinity in modern times. In the show, he takes your questions posed in The Man Up private Facebook group and answers based on his experience Coaching tens of thousands of students around the world for over a decade.
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Can You Stop Your Girlfriend From Leaving You?
I’m David Tian, this is Man Up, episode 47. In this episode we’re going to be talking about how to stop your girlfriend from leaving you.
Masculinity for the Intelligent Man. I am David Tian, Ph.D., and this is: Man Up.
Hey, I’m David TIan, Ph.D. Welcome to Man Up, episode 47. This is coming from Brandon. Brandon is asking the question: How do I stop my girlfriend from leaving me? This is kind of similar to the earlier episode I shot, episode 45, on getting your ex back. How to get your ex back, if you haven’t seen that go check that out. I’m going to be referencing that because it’s a similar situation. It seems to be like ex week or something like that.
How do I stop my girlfriend from leaving me three years in? She’s just not responsive. It seems like the situation is, she’s out late at night, he’s texting her. She doesn’t respond until the next morning. In the past, he was saying, that she responded much more quickly. Within the hour, within minutes, but now she’s taking a longer time. She’s late to their dates. She’s not home much.
Three years in. This is called the “messy stage”. This is when it’s already lost and again you’re in damage control. From the description of the relationship, just like in episode 45, the guy slacked off in his life. He’s not leading an exciting life anymore. He used to be doing things that really pushed his comfort zone and now he’s just really investing in work which means he’s at the office more and he’s even working some weekends.
And she needs your presence. She needs you to be there. Not like, so she’s always crying, you give her your shoulder – but that’s good, too. A relationship isn’t a relationship if you’re not fully present there with her.
A lot of guys, especially in their 20s and early 30s, just like to have a woman next to him as a crutch. Like a parachute, in a way. He’s socially acceptable now because he has a girlfriend. So he pats himself in the back, “I got a girlfriend now. I can feel like I’m okay.” And then he goes and does the other stuff he wants to do which is like make money or something. She’s not your – something to showoff – like a trophy or something.
She’s not your security blanket or comfort zone or something to rely on. That’s not a relationship. And if that’s the dynamic you have with her, that she’s just the girl that’s there for you. So you’re not putting in lots of extra effort. If you’re not putting your presence into the relationship then it’s inevitable that she’s going to pull away.
There’s two dynamics. The guy gets lazy in the relationship, stops doing new things, stops pushing himself to grow and develop. Also, just finding the wrong thing – for her, from her perspective – to invest his time into and neglecting her emotionally. You might be there for her physically, at the end of the day, you’re always waiting at home for her to come back. But emotionally, you’re thinking about other things. So you’re presence isn’t there. You’re not fully in the now, in the flow with her. So those two things are causing the situation for Brandon.
The advice is this: Go full-in on your presence. It doesn’t mean you do grand gestures like taking her on some vacation or something. Those are only Band-Aid solutions. That will probably mask the real problems. What you really need is just to have, when you’re with her, fully-present, completely focus on her.
Not thinking about other things, your thoughts are elsewhere. Like work or some business you’re trying to do. No, just fully focus on her and try to feel what she feels. Really empathize with her. Feel what she feels. Give her your full presence.
And be ready to walk away. You’re probably at the stage already going to lose it. I’d say the average guy, in this situation, 20% chance he’s going to actually be able to win her back. Because at this point there’s so much deficit in the relationship so she’ll probably pull up. But your best bet is to go full presence.
Give her your full attention and try to feel what she feels. Get inside. Try to get some one-on-one time with her. But any grand gestures are just going to mask the issue so try to, just on a day-to-day basis, be fully present with her. That’s the best advice. In fact, any guy who’s in a relationship, that’s the best advice.
This is episode 47. And join the Facebook group. Click on the link. Join the group. We approve requests on a regular basis every day, sometimes multiple times a day. That’s where you ask your questions of me. You can also me in the comments. But join the private Facebook group, do that and I can interact with you personally. So do that and I will see you, until then – man up.