Man Up | Ep. 46 • December 08, 2015
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or over a decade, David Tian, Ph.D., has coached tens of thousands of people from over 87 countries to achieve happiness and success in their dating and love lives.
Once a nerdy, skinny professor of philosophical psychology who couldn’t hold a conversation to save his life, David is now director of Aura Transformation Corp., and a world renowned dating and life coach using therapeutic methods. Dr. Tian has been featured in international media, including AXN, Cosmopolitan, Psychology Today, as well as co-hosting a radio show on national radio and a weekly dating advice column in a national newspaper in Singapore. Formerly a professor at the National University of Singapore, Dr. Tian is actively researching, speaking, and publishing in the areas of philosophy and psychology.
The show, “Man Up: Masculinity for the Intelligent Man,” is David’s way of helping as many people as possible enjoy empowering and fulfilling lives, while contributing to the global understanding of masculinity in modern times. In the show, he takes your questions posed in The Man Up private Facebook group and answers based on his experience Coaching tens of thousands of students around the world for over a decade.
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This is Man Up, episode 46 and I’m going to be talking about how to break up with a girl who’s too attached to you.
Masculinity for the Intelligent Man. I am David Tian, Ph.D., and this is: Man Up.
Hey, man. I’m David Tian, Ph.D. and this is Man Up, episode 46. I’ve got a question from Anthony here. He’s basically asking: How do I breakup with this girl without hurting her too badly? The context here is they were dating for about three months. She wants to get serious, he doesn’t. He wants to break up with her without it getting too weird. Already, he’s saying, she’s causing a lot of drama. She ignores him for a week then just starts pummeling his phone with text messages. Saying, “How could you do this to me?” “I miss you.” “Meet up.”
And then she comes late at night, crying, everything. So, I get that. If she’s following you like that, kind of feeling an intense emotional reactions to you. And you said they were unprovoked kind of emotional reactions, just sort of out of the blue. Just going from ignoring you to – basically, hot and cold, hot and cold. You’ve already gone way past the line of emotional maturity in terms of how to handle this.
So the whole problem needs to be avoided. Right now, you’re in damage control. Not just because it’s the third month. And so you think you’re a little bit in damage control, like you wish you could take back the last two weeks. No, no. You’re in serious damage control. You really messed it up. Most pick-up artists, they don’t know this. The background is – this is from a pick-up artist context. The problem with a pick-up artist is when it comes to relationships – pick-up artist don’t know how to do relationships.
Picking up Girls
One of the things is a lot of the times they’re just picking up girls for their ego. So they feel like men. So they can be proud of themselves as men. One of the bad byproducts of this is they get into relationships with lots of girls because if they’re successful at picking-up chicks then they’ll be seeing two or three or more women at the same time, more than one night. They might see them multiple occasions. And now you’re in a kind of relationship because once you see a girl for multiple occasions, you’re in a relationship of some kind. Depending on how you set the expectations.
And the standard operating procedure for these pick-up artists is tacit approval. In other words, if she doesn’t ask you, you don’t say anything. If she doesn’t ask you to define the relationship, you don’t define the relationship for her. And this is tacit, so it’s silent, silent approval. So she’s approving of you seeing other girls as long as you don’t talk about it. That’s the view. Just so the girls who are watching this know that’s the view of players and pick-up artists. They just assume that if you don’t confront them about it, that you’re cool with it. Because I’ve noticed that this is a massive miscommunication between women and men even in the modern world.
Now, a lot of more women are acting like men in that sense, more masculine, of seeing lots of guys. And if the guy that they’re seeing doesn’t ask, “Are you seeing other guys?” She assumes that he’s okay with it. Most people are, at the first two, three, four weeks in. And maybe five years from now everyone’s going to be cool with that. I don’t know. But at the moment, in the western world, in English speaking worlds – people who are plugged in with MTV and influenced by Hollywood like Singapore seriously is, kind of doing all of like Singapore exceptionalism – is the assumption there is two , three weeks in but then a month in, the average person will start to feel attachments.
And it has to be clear from the beginning because if you start, Anthony, dealing with it when she starts pushing back, it’s already too late. When you get the pushback and you haven’t already addressed it, it’s too late. And what does this all stem from? It stems from dishonesty or – maybe that’s too strong of a term – inauthenticity. Before you even have sex, before you get far into flirting – just right at the beginning. Like in the first five hours of meeting each other.
Talking to Women
The first five hours of conversation between you, the first date, you should be clear about what you’re looking for. For whatever reasons you have – maybe you’re just still enjoying your singlehood, maybe you’re just finished college and want to explore the city you’ve moved to or whatever – you’re not ready to settle down, have a family or for whatever reasons that you have. And you have to be honest about it, that this is why you’re not a good candidate for – at this moment – for a relationship. So she needs to know that from the beginning. Not three months in when you sit down and have the talk with her – it’s too late. That’s like amateur hour to do that.
Now you’re in damage control, what can you do? It’s always the best policy to be honest and that’s the best thing you could do. You sit her down – if you haven’t done it already – you admit to your fucking mistakes. I know a lot of guys don’t like to admit that, their mistakes. They don’t like to say sorry. It’s bullshit.
That’s a really jerk move not to say sorry for the things that you messed up on. You messed up for not making her expectations clear. For not being mature enough to know what it is you’re looking for, and to prepare them and to have the courage to lose her at the very beginning. Because it’s her free will and her decision, her free right, to not get into that relationship with you knowing that further down the road this is what’s in store for her. And you have to tell her – unless you’re a coward.
You have to admit. “I’m sorry. It was my lack of courage in telling you this upfront, right from the beginning. And I deserve all of the hatred that you’ll be throwing at me.” You tell her everything that you told me in these emails that you are feeling, about your guilt in complicity in her scenario, all right? So you put it out there.
Chances are, when you do that, she’s going to fall more in love with you. But the thing is that she has to know, all right? She knows and then you’ve got to be ruthless in breaking it off.
In the sense of when she phones you at 4 a.m., drunk and crying and stuff, you have to be strong. If she comes to your door, hug her, take her back home. And if she’s phoning you, phoning you – do not pick up. If she’s texting you, reply 24 hours later or whatever. It’s got to be business now and you’ve got to be cold. You have to allow her to hate you. That’s the mature thing to do.
Because you already messed it up so that’s the best thing for her. For her to hate you is the best thing. Then she’ll get over and at some point she’s going to learn from it. But at the moment if she likes you even a little bit, she’s going to keep coming back, like an addiction, to you. So be the better man. Be the bigger man and take it.
Tips for Men
All right, so that’s Man Up: How to have a breakup with a girl who’s attached to you too much. I’m David Tian, Ph.D, in Singapore right now. Make sure that you join the Facebook group. Click the link here or up here, wherever that link is, and join the Facebook group. We approve join requests. It’s a private Facebook group. We approve those requests everyday. You can ask your questions for me there and get my answers directly from there. So join the Facebook group. Thank you very much. I’ll see you in the Facebook group, until then – man up.
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