Man Up | Ep. 132 • August 10, 2016
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or over a decade, David Tian, Ph.D., has coached tens of thousands of people from over 87 countries to achieve happiness and success in their dating and love lives.
Once a nerdy, skinny professor of philosophical psychology who couldn’t hold a conversation to save his life, David is now director of Aura Transformation Corp., and a world renowned dating and life coach using therapeutic methods. Dr. Tian has been featured in international media, including AXN, Cosmopolitan, Psychology Today, as well as co-hosting a radio show on national radio and a weekly dating advice column in a national newspaper in Singapore. Formerly a professor at the National University of Singapore, Dr. Tian is actively researching, speaking, and publishing in the areas of philosophy and psychology.
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What To Do When Your Girl Says She’ll Test You A Lot
David Tian: Boom! Stop. In Episode 132 of Man Up, I answer the question of: What to do when your girl says she’ll test you a lot?
Masculinity for the intelligent man. I’m David Tian, Ph.D. and this is Man Up!
Hi! It’s David Tian, Ph.D. And for over the past ten years, I’ve been helping hundreds of thousands of people in over 87 countries attain success with life and love by applying ancient wisdom and cutting-edge research. And here I am in beautiful Bangkok. I was trying to time the shooting of this video for when the sun is setting, but I got to rush through another flight, so I got to get out of here right after I film this.
But I think I’ve shown this view, this is like the temple view as they call it here. Beautiful temple. The temple complex is a part of the university, but there you go. So, I’m answering a question that is a continuation from the last episode. And this is from Winston, and I’m catching up in the Facebook group. So guys, in the Facebook group, I am getting to your questions. This one was posted weeks ago. I was behind because we had launched 10 Weeks to Freedom and I’m busy with that group right now.
It’s a very hands-on program, training program, and it takes a lot of my time and our team’s time. And we’re also doing all of this tech work, payment processors, website stuff, membership software, it’s all very complicated stuff. I actually just hired my new person on the team recently to help us with that, so a lot going on behind the scenes. And unfortunately, it’s not just, for me, about being a great coach and giving great advice because that’s so easy for me. But most of my time that I count as ‘time spent at work’ is doing stuff that’s not coaching, exactly.
So anyway, please take that into account. But I’m giving you more free stuff! All of these are free. Let me just remind you. When you join the private Facebook group, this is all for free, alright? So, I’m trying to give out as much free material, advice, content as I possibly can. And then maybe once every few times a year, I might ask you or offer the opportunity to get more coaching and get more hands-on advice, coaching and training if you so desire. But I’m trying to put out as much free stuff as I can, okay?
So just so you know, and I’m catching up. There are a lot of posts I looked at. I was like, “Okay, where was that old post from Winston from last episode when I was in Bali? Let’s try to find it.” It was so far down and I was like, “Shit. There’s so many other questions up above, but I’m getting to those questions.” So, please be patient and always feel free to bump up your question if I haven’t answered in a while.
So Winston, I was originally going to cut this up — because he asked three different questions here. I was going to cut it up into three episodes, but I don’t think that’s required. I’m going to just do it in two episodes. So, there was a previous episode, in the second half of his post, he’s got two questions here which I’ll read out both. Second, “She says she’s pretty emotional and fickle, like she’s very passionate about inequality and has the same kind of level in her many tantrums.”
So again, let me just remind you: Winston and his girlfriend, the girlfriend is– they decided not to have sex, but then he says she got into a kinky mood and said, “Just for a second.” He said, “No” because he didn’t have a condom. She kept begging, in the heat of the moment he figures it was just going to be a second, so why not? But then, it went downhill from there because she blamed him for not protecting her.
So, my response to that is in the previous episode. Go watch that for my answer to that, but that gives you some background. He said, “I raised this to her as emotional manipulation and didn’t want to stand for it. She says she meant it with a straight face”, that she blames him for not protecting her and then saying that if this happens again, she’s going to break up with him and go find someone else who could protect her.
And he’s like, “That’s emotionally manipulative.” And she said she meant it and said it with a straight face. Okay, so go listen to my answer for that in the last episode, but I’m pretty sure I quoted Marilyn Monroe’s bullshit about, “If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve my best.” Any girl who says that or supports that sort of thing, you just want to run from because that woman is not mature enough to be in a relationship with an adult.
Okay, then it goes on through, it says, “Second, she’s pretty emotional and fickle, like she’s very passionate about inequality and has the same kind of level in her many tantrums.” I think what he means is, she gets very passionate in her many tantrums to him as if she’s defending racism or something. “Do you think it’s a red flag or just something normal for her type?”
And then the third question is, “She told me upfront that she’ll test me a lot. From what I know, females only test when they sense weakness. I normally don’t treat it as a test but instead deflect it into light-hearted jokes. I know she’s an anxious attachment type, does this have anything to do with it? More info: we’re in a long-distance relationship and I’m back for about a month. We Skype talk daily, she’s introduced me to her parents and close friends too. So far, I’ll only let her come to me then I’ll go out…”
Okay, so the rest of it is not important. The one question I want to home in on is, “She told me upfront that she’ll test me a lot.” Damn, it took five minutes to get there. Sorry guys. We got to be more concise. I’m a little rusty. To be honest, because I was in North America for like six weeks and I’m still getting my bearings in this time zone and all of the demands here.
So if a girl says to you she’ll test you a lot, run for the hills. That girl is manipulative. That’s a pretty manipulative set up. She’s basically setting you up to give her permission to be a bitch. It’s sort of like a guy telling another guy, “I’m going to punch you, just so you know.” If a woman is testing you and it’s for your good, she will be testing you most of the time unconsciously.
It shouldn’t be like, “Okay, now I’m going to test him.” That’s not healthy. So, here’s something I want to put out there and it’s very important. I’ve been talking about masculine/feminine polarity, masculine/feminine energies. And it seems like if you’re from a PUA background, a pick-up artist background, or you go on the internet and you consume information, that’s your primary source of information… So, a lot of people in the world are like that.
They think that when I mention masculine/feminine polarity, that I’m referencing just one book, David Deida’s Way of the Superior Man, as if that’s the only source they have that mentions this sort of polarity or these energies. And that just shows me how little they’ve read and how little they’ve learned. This is a deep show. If you’re just looking for surface-level tips like, “How to win friends and influence people”, surface-level stuff, go and buy that. Those are already written and they’re in the airports, airport bookstores, there’s plenty.
But to get deeper, at the deeper level of authenticity, a lot of men, a lot of boys I should say in their 20s are not ready for this level of depth. So, just to put it out there. So, masculine/feminine energies, what David Deida says is women are going to be testing you a lot, and one of the common themes among tantrics… So, his advice comes from the broader field of tantric energies and there’s a whole world of research or book and resources on that.
But it comes from that context, so it’s important to understand the context. That school of thought says that it’s the woman’s job, almost, to test a man, to be like the banshee, and the man is supposed to be the Shiva, and stand strong, and withstand it and have this tempestuous storm going about him, but he is immovable. And that makes sense when the storm does not mean to be the storm, when the tempest is not intentionally trying to harm the man.
Unfortunately, a lot of women in their 20s are spoiled, spoiled because the society is still– especially politically correct society. So, places where there’s no political correctness, the women are not empowered at all, right? But political correctness makes it so that it is almost always the man’s fault by default and it’s his error by default. Very dangerous world to live in.
The man often says it’s his fault because it’s okay for a woman to test me because that’s her job. And it’s not the case. There are a lot of women who are spoiled or they could actually be psychopaths or narcissistic personality disorder or something along those lines. That’s a minority, but the majority of them are just spoiled. They get away with stuff. They get away with Marilyn Monroe crap.
And who empowers them? Well, the fucking pop media does, political correctness does, liberal side does. And men, white knights everywhere. There are white knights all over the place. One of my good friends, Anthony Johnson just put out a talk– I’m not sure if it’s freely available yet but it was on psychopathy and his ex-wife, and it was a very vulnerable talk. Kudos to him. I was there live when he delivered it. It was awesome.
I see the comments that are criticizing it, and they’re just white knights: guys who just want to come to the defense of the woman, that he doesn’t even– they don’t even know. So, there’s so much of this white knighting going on. Men have very little solidarity with other men. And one of the examples is, this bullshit, if you take it too far, the tantric David Deida kind of line of thought of, “It’s the woman’s job to test you”, and it’s there for excusing pretty much all of her bad behavior, and I know David Deida doesn’t really believe that extreme version of that because there’s like– after going on for paragraphs and pages talking about it, there’s that one sentence that says, “If it’s unacceptable to you, then you must leave her right away.”
And that’s all he will say. Most of it is about withstanding the tempest storm of drama because it’s somehow a test of your masculine energy and so on. It’s only a test if she’s doing it unconsciously. If she’s consciously testing you, then she is a psycho. That is just mean, immoral. It is immature, it is manipulative. And if, for some reason, she thinks that you’re beneath her in terms of emotional maturity, then she shouldn’t be with you. It’s condescending to go and say, “I’m going to go test you.”
No, get the fuck out of my face, bitch. Basically, teach me what you want to teach me and say it to my face, or love me and in loving me don’t test– don’t purposely go out and bring me down. That’s not a healthy relationship. It’s not a healthy human individual. So, if she’s testing you in the sense of, she feels like you’re being weak in some area but she’s not self-aware enough to realize that that’s what’s bothering her, what she’ll end up doing is acting out in other ways that seem irrational to the man.
And he has to be mature enough to understand that that acting out is a symptom of something deeper. It’s deeper because it’s deeper in her unconscious. She’s not aware of it, and that’s where the masculine energy has to be strong there, because it’s with good intent on her side to make him stronger. But for a woman to consciously warn him that she’s going to be testing him is just setting him–
That’s a bitch, and she’s not mature, and that’s manipulative, and it’s mean, and it’s narcissistic and it’s called kinds of bad stuff you should run, Winston.
All of the things you’ve shared so far point out that either point to the fact that she’s either have some kind of personality disorder or she’s just a bitch. Either way, run for the fucking hills. Or the third option is, she’s just not mature enough. Maybe five, ten years from now, she’ll have gone through enough and maybe she have taken some psychology classes and gotten some training, self-understanding, and maybe she will have matured through pain and challenge. Maybe, but that’s very unlikely if she’s over the age of 20.
Most people over the age of 20 don’t change, don’t improve unless they take drastic measures and massive action forward to break the cycle of the limiting beliefs and other patterns that they developed. Okay, so that’s all you need to say about that one. Let me try to keep these short unlike some of the ones that go onto 30 minutes.
So signing out from beautiful Bangkok, I got to hop on a flight soon and I will see you in the private Facebook group. You can also add your friends to the private Facebook group. So, go ahead. The settings are so that you can add for your friends. We still have to approve everybody, but you can add them. So if you think that this would be a good group for them to join or they’d be interested in it, go ahead and add them. We’ll approve them. We approve a lot of requests every day, so go ahead and do that.
And of course, you should join the group yourself if you haven’t joined. It’s a great group. A lot of them active going on there. We also have lots of special announcements, and I often will answer the answer directly in the comments if it can be answered directly there.
Again, this is free. So, I just want to keep putting out free content for you. Obviously, the disclosure for us, the more we help you fully, the more good will we produce. But you can just take advantage on this and we want you to take advantage of it.
So, ask the questions in the group. That’s what this show is based on. So, I’ll see you inside the private Facebook group. Join the group, click the link, join the group and I’ll see you in there. Until then, Man Up![MUSIC]