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For over a decade, David Tian, Ph.D. — a uniquely qualified therapist, life coach, and former university professor — has coached tens of thousands of people from over 87 countries to achieve happiness and success in their relationships, dating, psychology, and lifestyle.
Dr. Tian has been featured in international media, as well as co-hosting a radio show on national radio and a weekly dating advice column in a national newspaper in Singapore.
The show, “Man Up: Masculinity for the Intelligent Man” (https://www.davidtianphd.com/blog/), is David’s way of helping as many people as possible enjoy empowering and fulfilling lives, while contributing to the global understanding of masculinity in modern times. In the show, he takes your questions posed in the Man Up private Facebook group (https://www.facebook.com/groups/manupcommunity/) and answers based on his experience coaching tens of thousands of students around the world for over a decade.
Connect with David Tian here:
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How to Get Friends With Benefits
- Selection in an important factor, David Tian Ph.D. explains why.
- David Tian Ph.D. discuss why in this situation, it should be about her.
- In this Man Up episode, David Tian Ph.D. tell us why we should be focusing first on making good female friends.
David Tian: Boom! Stop. In Episode 121 of Man Up, I answer the question of: How to get a friends with benefits relationship.
Masculinity for the intelligent man. I’m David Tian, Ph.D. and this is Man Up!
Hey, I’m David Tian, Ph.D., and for over the past ten years, I’ve been helping hundreds of thousands of people in over 87 countries attain success in life and love. And welcome to Episode 121 of Man Up, Masculinity for the Intelligent Man. I’m in Los Angeles. I arrived a couple of days ago. Very sunny here. I love it. I do miss, already, the hospitality of Asia, but I’m in a beautiful two bedroom suite here at The W, so I can’t complain.
But little things, lots of little things. I mean, I live in hotels, so these are things I spot, and you just can’t compare to Southeast Asia’s hospitality, just killer. Alright, I’m trying to keep this pillow in place.
Okay, um… And it slid down again. And I’m answering a question from the private Facebook group. Oh, one thing I wanted to point out. For the guys in the Man Up group, I’m releasing soon a new, brand new program with a brand new format that will help everyone who steps up to the program.
The details will be coming up soon. By the time you’re watching this video, it probably is already happening and it’s for a very limited time, I think just a couple of weeks, where I’ll be opening up registration for it, and talking about it and there’s going to be a lot of live elements to it.
So, if you haven’t joined the private Facebook group, join it now so you can find out what it’s all about. It’s only going to be released right now to the private Facebook group. So, if you’re not in that group, you’re never going to hear about it, so you got to join the group. So, join the private Facebook group by clicking the link below.
Okay, question in the private Facebook group from Neel. Neel’s question is, “How do I manage relationships with female friends that I’m attracted to?”
Okay, so here’s some detail he gave us. He says, “I feel like I’m running into this problem more frequently as I have built a social circle full of attractive and successful women who are very good friends of mine. I was just wondering if you could flesh out some of the details of how to manage relationships with female friends that you’re attracted to and want to have sex with, and the best way to approach having sex with these female friends without losing them as friends.”
“Many of my female friends”, he says, “seem to, in fact, be attracted to me; through evident preening, asking lots of questions, being touchy-feely, and particularly when we are alone just chilling, I do not push for sex as I would after a normal date. From a cold approach”, ugh, these PUA terms, “we both end up disappointed, and after she tends to be a little colder to me.”
So he says if he doesn’t push for sex, then the female friend ends up being disappointed, he says, and she tends to be a little colder to him. Some background, he’s 18 in a university in the US. He’s had a few girlfriends and multiple hook-ups, so he’s not exactly inexperienced; just perplexed by this topic.
Okay, he’s 18. So, it’s good to give me your age so I know the context, so I don’t rip into you. 18, I get it. When I was 18, I basically had one girlfriend and had no clue what I was doing. So, great. Lots of things to say, my god. One of the things I’ve said in the comments was that there’s a whole course in which I deal with this. So, the course called Limitless, I think it’s either in Module 9 or 10, where I go into a three-hour course, a three-hour module, specifically on social circles, and growing them, and meeting with girls within them and so on.
So, that would be my definitive statement of it, and you can get access to it by getting on Limitless, which opens registration a few times a year. So, if you’re wondering how to get on that, go to our main site, AuraTransformation.org. Hover over ‘programs’, dropdown menu, there’s going to be Limitless, Invincible, click on Limitless and you can type your email into the web form to get on the waiting list.
Okay, but I’m going to just get to the specifics of it. So, really, to understand this, you need to know the background, we need to be on the same page as far as your social circle, your social skills, your understanding of what a social circle is, how it works and so on. But I’m just going to try to give… I mean, the challenge for me is to try to do this in less than ten minutes. So, I’m going to try to take up that challenge.
One of the issues is selection. So, before anything else, the most important thing – in fact this is the most important factor in a relationship, whether you’re looking for a one-night stand or a long-term relationship, or in your case, friends with benefits – is the selection of the other party, of the partner.
One of the naivety and the big lies of the pick-up artist industry is that women are all the same. So it’s like, “You can use this one line on all women, anywhere at any time in human history, and it will work.” Anytime you hear ‘anytime’, you should be weary of it.
Now, there are obviously words that are used universally like “Hello.” Those are universal greetings, but in a more specific context, like when you want to get something from somebody, you need to be very careful of the person you’re trying to get things from. And one of the problems here is, already, one of the things that is against what we do in Man Up is… And you can get a lot out of the wording of the question.
So, one of the things we’re against is, the wording here is giving away ‘betraying’, a mindset, and the mindset is that you’re trying to get… Okay, so, “How to manage relationships with female friends that you’re attracted to and want to have sex with, and how to have sex with them without losing them as friends?”
So, this is very much like, “I want to have sex. I want to have sex”, and it’s not about her. It should be about her. So, you shouldn’t be having sex with women that don’t want to have sex with you. Now, if she wants to have sex with you, it’s not a problem having sex. So, that’s the first step, right?
So, most guys are not asking, Neel, a specific situation, they’re asking, “How can I have sex with this female friend who currently does not want to have sex with me?” That’s the more challenging thing, and that’s what a lot of guys ask me, and that’s something that I’m pointing out, that you have to be clear about the other person, the other party has to be the type of girl who’s into this: the type of girl who’s open to casual sex.
And many women, many young women, in the West, liberal Western countries, are generally open to having casual sex with the right guy. And the right guy who is not just attractive, and dominant and fulfills her sexual fantasies, but also the right guy who is discreet, and not needy, independent, not clingy. So, all of those things are important for her in looking for which guy to do this with, if she does at all.
And if he’s attractive physically to her, her type, physically, but also has those personality traits, then she would definitely consider it. Now, the best thing you can do is to find women, or get around women… If this is what you want to do, if this is what you want to have, friends with benefits, you’ve got to make friends with females who are open to having friends with benefits situations. That’s key number one.
So, if she’s really not into that at all because she’s looking for her Prince Charming, or she’s looking for a relationship, or she’s sort of needy herself, or she just wants to fall in love and have like a lovey-dovey thing – basically, she’s looking for a relationship – then don’t fuck with her because… I suppose you could lie, and manipulate, and cheat and deceive. That’s not good. That’s not something we ever teach. That’s not something I ever support or promote. And if you do that, then fuck you, right, and get out of our program, get out of the group.
So, just as a caveat, right? Find the right woman who wants to have that relationship and then be that right type of guy. And I’m going to get to that second half, be the right type of guy, in a second. But first, I want to point out, Neel actually has a different scenario. His scenario is, as far as he can tell, if he doesn’t push for sex, then he says, “We both end up disappointed, and afterwards she tends to be a little colder.”
Okay, so probably if that’s the case, if your reading is correct, then she did want to hook up. And you not hooking up with her, she interpreted that as somehow she’s unworthy or that you’re not turned on by her so she feels less valued as a person, especially if she puts herself out there.
Like, if she puts herself in a situation where the two of you are alone and isolated, and there’s alcohol, so there are plenty of excuses to make a move and you don’t make a move, women who like you as more than friends will feel… Sometimes, they’ll feel hurt, especially the younger they are, and you’re 18, probably the same age, right? They’ll take it as a slight on themselves. It’s normal to be insecure when you’re young.
So, this is a different scenario, right? This is where they’re actually attracted to you. In this case, what you need to do is, it’s more about you and your worries. Now, you need to suss out whether this girl’s the type of girl who is going to be interested in having a friends with benefits relationship.
So, what are some of the things you can do? Well, you could just come right out and ask her but that’s not very romantic; it’s not very fun. Instead, what you should do is to do it indirectly through stories, through your personality, through things you say; indirectly.
It’s very easy to do it through short anecdotes, through things you share with her. So, there’s some typical ones that should be true of your life. So, don’t lie about it, but I’ll give you an example of a way to show that you’re discreet. Why is it important that you’re discreet? Because she does not want to hook up with a guy, and have casual sex with a guy, who’s going to go around bragging about it or destroying her reputation. So, it’s got to be discreet. That’s one of the most important parts of it, of creating that dynamic.
So, you have to tell her you’re discreet. But people who are… If you just tell her you’re discreet, she might think you’re lying, and a lot of guys lie, and guys who lie are fucking pussies. So, don’t lie, and instead of just coming out with it you can just tell a story.
Tell a story that you had a really good friend, Michelle, or Melissa or whatever, and one drunken night the two of you hooked up and the next morning you guys pinky-swore that you wouldn’t tell anybody. Now, this was just between the two of you, and it won’t happen again so, “Let’s just keep it as a secret, promise?” and you guys pinky-swore.
And then a week later, Todd comes up to you and goes, “Holy shit dude, you hooked up with a woman? High-five, dude!” and you’re like, “Fuck, he told” or “Fuck, she told”, right? She told somebody. And then you say, “I hate people who can’t keep secrets.” That’s an example of how you can use an anecdote to show that you’re somebody who values discretion.
Another one could just be when you talk to her about the girls that you’re thinking about hooking up with but who just get clingy and needy. So, you can tell a story about how you’re going to hook up with, I don’t know, Samantha, right? And then you guys were getting heavy, hot and heavy, but then the next morning she starts calling you, and wanting to meet and crying, like you broke her heart or something, and you guys didn’t have sex; you just made out.
And you thought she was cool with it, but she’s not, and now you regret the whole thing. Get it? So, this should be part of your personality. That’s why everything, I keep getting these emails from dudes who are like, “David, I don’t want to learn psychology. I just want to learn what to say and what to do.” Well, fuck you. Seriously. Get off my mailing list. As soon as I get a guy like that, I go to unsubscribe and I unsubscribe him for him. I don’t want them in my life, I don’t want them in my group, okay?
When they grow old enough, then I can help them. But understand this: it’s all about the psychology. If it’s in your personality, then it’s easy as fuck. If it’s not in your personality, it’s impossible. Well, I shouldn’t say that. Nothing’s impossible. It’s like .01% chance that it could happen.
Get it? Alright, good. So, if it’s part of your personality that you’re congruent with this, it’s not something like, “Oh, you’re like a kid”, like, “Oh, I just want to fuck these girls and have no consequences.” A guy like that is immature and won’t get it because he won’t be able to handle it, and a girl like that won’t be comfortable with him because he’s not confident in himself and easy-going with it, right?
So, it’s a catch-22, right? On the one hand you’re like, you got to have the mindset that you do this all the time, and you can handle it, and you’re not looking for a relationship with those girls, and you’re not clingy and you’re not needy. Of course, if you were like that, you probably wouldn’t be watching this, right? You probably wouldn’t be looking for help.
So, the catch-22 is, how do you come off as not needy when you’re in fact still needy? And there’s that process, and that is what the programs are for, okay? Especially Invincible and Limitless, they walk you through it.
Now, I know a lot of guys who – because Limitless and Invincible are actually quite advanced programs, there is a program that I’m working on right now, watching, in the Man Up Facebook group only, that is a step-by-step program that is very structured. And it takes beginners as well as advanced guys, guys in relationships as well, through a series of ten steps and there’s a life coaching with it. And we’re making it as affordable as possible. So, you need help, right?
So, if it’s not a natural for you… Now, Neel, you seem like you have, for an 18 year old, quite a bit of experience already. So, just understand that if you can communicate to her, to them, what you’re about, and you need to do it with confidence and congruence.
So in other words, this is who you’re about, you put it out there, you’re not ashamed, you don’t give a fuck what anyone else says. This is who you’re about and you know what you’re about. And anything else, anything less than that, is a lie. So, if you go around pretending like you want to be in a relationship when you really don’t, or you’re just settling, that’s a lie as well.
So, I’m talking to everyone, right? So, look, I know a lot of guys… Because I’m saying that because I know a lot of guys are fucking hypocrites. They want to hook up with a lot of girls, but they have the shame and bullshit, so they try to be a nice guy and they get into a relationship with one girl, but really, they just keep messaging me asking for help on how to hook up with girls, “How do I cheat on my girlfriend?”, bullshit like that, right? So, don’t be like that. Be strong, be honest, honest requires strength. So, same to you, man, Neel, be honest, and do it like in a really carefree way.
You could just say, “Look, I’m not looking for anything serious.” You could say that. In fact, you could say that to every girl you meet. “Hey look, let’s just be friends. By the way, I hope you’re not a clingy, needy girl because I am not looking for a relationship.” And she’s like, “Yeah, what are you talking about? Yeah, of course.” You’re like, “Cool.” Just so that’s out of the way, and then you go on and you make her laugh or something, you spray her with a water gun or something. You know, whatever, right? Have fun with it but be honest with it.
The best thing is, when you’re honest… Because it’s not even a trick or anything. It’s not like something you would memorize and are going to now say. That’s ideal. Because if you’re just talking to your friend, the natural fucking thing is to share about your life. And if your life is about this, Neel, you should talk about this situation with the next attractive female friend you meet, this girl who is disappointed. You make it sound like there are more than one.
So, the girls that are disappointed when you don’t make a move, great story to tell all the women, man. Why? Because it’s part of your fucking life, it’s honest, you want to get her advice, “How do I let girls know that I don’t want to have anything serious? I don’t want them to get clingy, and yet have some fun with them if they’re into it?” Consenting adults, right? And then you’re like, “Like you, you’re really attractive. If we were to hook up, I mean I don’t want to make this weird but, if we’re… No, I mean. No, no, no, forget it”, right?
And then you can thread it. You can just basically see that and then come back to it later. You know, basically the issue is that you’re putting it out there as part of your life, and it’s just a natural part of your life. So, if they hook up with you, they know the deal. In fact, when you say things like that, you’d become a lot more attractive because a lot of women see that as a challenge, young women. Actually, older women as well. Actually, all women see that as a challenge.
But some women may have been just hurt because they got attached, when they didn’t mean to, to a guy like that. And so, they might pull back and recoil, and that’s good because you don’t want to hurt somebody. So, give them and respect their free will, respect their autonomy. Okay, cool. That was a little rant but at least it was also honest and politically correct.
The summary, right, the takeaway. First of all, there is a much longer, more detailed, more in-depth treatment of this in Limitless, so get on that if you want the full course. It’s over three hours, and it’s just one part of Limitless. So, Limitless is freaking everything; the deluxe.
That’s takeaway number one. Takeaway number two: you have to choose the right women. So, don’t try to hook up with women who aren’t going to be ready for it or don’t want it. But there are plenty of women, especially in Western, liberal countries, that want to just have casual sex and have fun.
A lot of them just want to have fun with the right guy; the guy they can trust and be comfortable with, that he won’t go tell all his friends and won’t freak out, but will actually lead the situation and could also give her a great time in bed. I mean, that’s the whole point, right? The sex.
So, you also have to be coming off like you know what you’re doing in bed. And a lot of it’s physical. If she’s going to hook up with you with friends with benefits, it’s not going to be an emotional connection so you got to be ready for that. But for the guys who want that, that means it’s going to be physical, so you got to take care of your shape; you got to take care of your form if you want that to happen and you got to be physically appealing.
So, that’s takeaway number two. Limitless, pick the right women. Number three, so I guess sub-point two, is to take care of yourself physically. Point three, takeaway three, is that you have to make it seem… And the only way you can truly make it seem that way is if it truly is part of your life, and your personality, and your values, that you live this way; that you’re not looking for a long-term relationship right now, and you just want to have some fun, and you don’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings.
And you can do that through anecdotes, you can do it through getting her advice about those situations that you’re going through, and just talking about it, like girl-to-girl, like you know, guy-to-guy. Like right now, we’re talking about it guy-to-guy. In fact, you should treat your female friends just like you treat me and coming to me with advice. They love talking about this shit.
They talk about this shit for hours for fun, so they would love to talk about it with you. So, start doing that. Actually, for all guys who have female friends… In fact, if you have close female friends, I don’t know how you can have close feminine female friends without talking about relationships and emotions.
So, it’s good education, you should do it, that’s why I recommend that every guy, before he starts hooking up with girls and chasing them in clubs and shit, should first and foremost be focusing on making good female friends.
They will be his best educators, not just by teaching him the way I’m…Like, I’m teaching you through lessons and things like that. They can’t do that, 99% of them can’t do that. But instead, they’re going to just give you their opinion and their worldview, their perspective, and that’s what you’re missing, the female perspective.
If you hear from me… You know, I’ve been doing this for over ten years. I know when a guy hears it from me he’s like, “No, really? Like, that’s what girls think? No, really?” But if you hear from a girl, it’s so easy; it just slips right into his head and he’s like, “Okay, that’s what she believes.” It’s like fashion consultation.
It’s like when I do the fashion makeover, and I say this doesn’t look right, and they look at me like… It takes so long, there’s so much resistance to taking advice, they’re like, “No.” It’s like fashion for most dudes is like… They don’t realize this, but it’s part of their identity.
So, they loathe to give up their baggy khakis and shit. But if a cute girl says it, “Oh, you look much hotter in those”, they’ll ditch the khahis in a second and put on the tight jeans. So, get some female friends. You’ll learn a lot through observation, and by hearing their perspective and just getting the vibe and understanding their inner world.
A lot of the guys in the Man Up group and a lot of the guys… I mean, the guys in the Man Up group are already a step ahead, but a lot of the men out there in the world do not understand the female world, and that’s partly because they don’t have good female friends. So, get your female friends. That’s takeaway number three.
Okay, so much longer than I expected, but join the private Facebook group not only to ask me your questions but also to get on the launch of the brand new program I’m coming out with, that’s only going out to the guys in the Man Up group. Alright, I’ll see you inside the group. Until then, Man Up![MUSIC]