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For over a decade, David Tian, Ph.D. — a uniquely qualified therapist, life coach, and former university professor — has coached tens of thousands of people from over 87 countries to achieve happiness and success in their relationships, dating, psychology, and lifestyle.
Dr. Tian has been featured in international media, as well as co-hosting a radio show on national radio and a weekly dating advice column in a national newspaper in Singapore.
The show, “Man Up: Masculinity for the Intelligent Man” (https://www.davidtianphd.com/blog/), is David’s way of helping as many people as possible enjoy empowering and fulfilling lives, while contributing to the global understanding of masculinity in modern times. In the show, he takes your questions posed in the Man Up private Facebook group (https://www.facebook.com/groups/manupcommunity/) and answers based on his experience coaching tens of thousands of students around the world for over a decade.
Connect with David Tian here:
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I Feel Insecure About My Girlfriend
David Tian Ph.D. explains why she ignores the rules you have both set.
David Tian Ph.D. deliberates if you should put up with her.
In this Man Up episode, David Tian Ph.D. tells us why we should stop being needy.
David Tian: Boom! Stop. I’m David Tian, PhD. And in this video I answer the question: When your girl makes you feel insecure. Welcome to Man Up Episode 175.
Masculinity for the Intelligent Man. I’m David Tian, PhD., and this is Man Up!
Hey. It’s David Tian, PhD. and for over the past 10 years, I have been helping hundreds of thousands of people in over 87 countries attain success, happiness, and fulfillment in life and love. Yes, I got that again! It’s been a while since I’ve done any episodes. I was sick for a week in Singapore for the first time in like a year, and I had back-to-back weekend live events.
We’re at the university, at the research lab, running experiments there as well for a major paper coming out, and just really busy. So, apologies for the guys who have been waiting for new episodes. But in the meantime, we’ve been rolling out footage from different talks I’ve been doing in different places.
I’ve now been bringing people to film that, that’s been cool. So, look out for that. That’s coming out. Plus, just more of different types of content and material, but we’re back to shooting Man Up. I’ll be doing some more episodes this week.
So, question from the Man Up secret Facebook group. This one comes from Paul. Okay, I’m going to try to summarize this because this is quite a long question. “Hey, David. First off, thank you for all the incredible knowledge and advice you’ve put out and made available.
It has helped me tons so far. Great work, and please keep the Man Up videos coming.”
Well, thank you, Paul, that’s very encouraging, and I will.
“Alright, here’s my question”, he says:
“I’ve had my first defined boyfriend-girlfriend relationship with this girl for a month. Okay, she’s an outgoing, very friendly type of girl that loves to meet new friends online and through travelling, especially English-speaking guys. English isn’t her first language. She says they boost her confidence when she’s interacting with other travelers.” English-speaking guys. Notice English-speaking girls don’t boost her confidence, it’s the guys.
“And I know it’s good for her ego to get attention from other guy friends.” Okay, yeah. It’s good for her ego. It’s not good for you. It’s not good for her person as a human being.
“I’ve set my boundaries for her, drinking alone with other men, having a monogamous sexual relationship, as well as drinking in general. She used to drink every night back in her college…” Okay, dadada.
So, she’s cutting back on the drinking and partying. “So, sometimes, I would tease her about that.” Okay.
She recently came back from a five-day trip in Southeast Asia where it seems like she only made guy friends. Although I know it is healthy for her to communicate and interact with all kinds of people, I can’t help but be jealous about how much time she’s on social media and just time on her phone when we’re together, presumably chatting with other guys online.
Even when I told her I can’t tolerate my girlfriend drinking alone with another guy, she posts pictures of her and a guy drinking together this morning.”
Okay, so whatever the rules you’ve set, if she agrees to them and then she goes and puts it into your face by what you’ve described, she’s either being passive-aggressive or she lacks integrity. Either way, she’s not mature enough, or she could have histrionic personality disorder. She could be borderline.
There are many explanations for why. Or she just could be immature. “And I notice we definitely lost some chemistry we had before she and I parted for individual trips, partly due to me committing the do more trap and sending initiating messages more often while we were apart.” Okay, so this is the situation you’re in, Paul.
You are anxious in this relationship because that’s currently your personality type. You’ve got to work on that to reduce the neediness if you want to get into relationships with women like this. That takes some time. That’s going to take you going through my Invincible program, and that’s like a two-month program, and then using it.
And so, the effects might be coming in three months later, where you’re changing, and then you’ll have to develop it. That’s the beginning of it. The more you are in that personality type, the more that you will be strong in the lack of neediness. However, right now, when you’ve become attached to a woman and she starts to pull away, you get needier.
You get more and more anxious. You start to fall into the do more trap, and you start reaching for it. And she’s pulling away. There’s so many signs. I think any smart male, if he is now looking at your situation, because objectively looking at it without the emotional attachment that you have to it, would just tell you the truth, which is: she’s really immature.
You say it’s good for her ego. It’s good for her ego validation because she’s immature, but you’re so deep in it because you’re of an anxious attachment type that you can’t see the [INAUDIBLE] so you’re stuck, and you’re getting needier and needier as this goes on.
So, you ask, “David, how can I overcome this insecurity?” Get started with Invincible. That’s a good start. “Should I confront her directly on this?” No. Confronting her will not do anything. In fact, she’ll probably nod like you have already done, and then do the opposite just to throw it back in your face.
So, no. Confronting anybody directly very rarely does anything or accomplishes the goal. “I know she needs variety in her life.” Shit. “And I’m happy that she’s making new friends, as long as she’s focused on me when we’re together.” Yeah, that sounds nice, but she’s not doing that. If she’s on her phone when you guys are together, presumably chatting with other guys online…
I mean, if she’s basically telling you she wants to be a slut and enjoy her freedom, and you’re like, “Okay, because I’m too deep and too attached into it, I’ll put up with it.” Get your balls back. She cut them off, put them in a nice little box.
You want to ask for them back. Actually, don’t even ask for them back because that’s what you’re trying to do here. Just go and get your balls back.
“P.S., I’ve seen the Relationship Red Flag video twice. I’m aware of issues David has highlighted there and I’ll be watching it again.” And yet, you have done nothing. Because I’ve already pointed this out in the free course on Relationship Red Flag.
This is a great situation. Paul may not understand what I’m saying because when you’re of an anxious attachment type and you’re needy, you just can’t see straight. You can’t think straight. You’re attached. You’re pot-heavy.
What’s the word in Poker when you put too much money down on a hand? You’re pot-invested or something, right? That’s what he’s doing right now. That’s what his situation is.
But hopefully, any other guy who is watching this and understands the context will see that this is just stupid that he’s putting up with this from this woman, who is basically just finding a guy who will give her the permission to fool around and live in the freedom to date around, and fool around, and have fun, while giving her the stability and comfort of having a relationship.
You’re getting screwed over both ways, Paul. Grab your balls, get them back, feel them. They feel nice and good. Make them grow a little bit. And as you grow, you’ll start to feel them hanging there, and you’ll be like, “Wow, it feels really good.” It’ll take some time for those balls to grow back, but we’re here for you for that. Go to Invincible. That will start the balls growing back, and just keep working on that and they’ll get bigger and bigger.
Alright, man. So, I’ll end there. Got a boat to catch. Oh, by the way, we’re in Bangkok, this is the river. It’s very nice here. Waiting for the ferry down the river there, and I’ll see you in the next episode. And I’ll see you in the private Facebook group. Click the link, join the group. We approve requests every day. I’ll see you inside the group. Until then, Man Up!