Man Up | Ep. 14 • September 17, 2015
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or over a decade, David Tian, Ph.D., has coached tens of thousands of people from over 87 countries to achieve happiness and success in their dating and love lives.
Once a nerdy, skinny professor of philosophical psychology who couldn’t hold a conversation to save his life, David is now director of Aura Transformation Corp., and a world renowned dating and life coach using therapeutic methods. Dr. Tian has been featured in international media, including AXN, Cosmopolitan, Psychology Today, as well as co-hosting a radio show on national radio and a weekly dating advice column in a national newspaper in Singapore. Formerly a professor at the National University of Singapore, Dr. Tian is actively researching, speaking, and publishing in the areas of philosophy and psychology.
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In this episode, I answer the question: What do you text a woman you’ve just slept with?
Masculinity for the Intelligent Man. I am David Tian, Ph.D., and this is: Man Up.
What to Say to Women
All right, welcome to episode 14. We’ve got another question from Matthew. It’s a quickie: What does a real man text to a woman he’s just slept with the next morning?
What to Text a Girl to Start a Conversation
Scenario A, he wants to see her again.
How to Talk to Women
Scenario B, probably doesn’t want to see her again but he doesn’t want to be a douche bag and just not text her again. Thanks. Okay, cool. That’s a pretty straight forward question: What should you text a woman you just slept with if you like her, if you don’t like her.
If you like her, if you want to see her again – actually if you’ve just slept with each other and it’s the next morning one of the best things you can do is just to solidify that connection. One of the worst feelings a girl gets – if you gave her a great time in bed and you connected and all that stuff, if you don’t want her to feel bad about what just happened – just don’t treat her like a prostitute.
If she has to right after sex, roll out of bed, put her clothes on and do the walk of shame out the door and you’re just like, “Oh hey, bye,” – you’re going to make her feel cheap. But if you’re attentive and you don’t just kick her out or anything. Or if you’re at her place, you don’t just roll off and put your clothes on and walk out. As long as you don’t do that like, wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am kind of approach then you should be fine. Because this is the modern world, these are modern times and adults understand these dynamics. It’s just the first encounter; you don’t expect marriage yet out of that for most modern people.
An easy thing to do if you want more, if you want to suss out whether she would be interested in having more of a relationship with you then after you have sex you can go do something else. After you have sex, in the morning – or after you have sex maybe in the morning or right after sex, if it’s early morning, you can go and get some food. Like some supper, Singaporeans call it, or an early breakfast together and then send her off, send her home, make sure she gets home.
Those are good things to do if you want to make her feel better about the whole thing – good about it, I mean, rather than just feeling like it was a cheap wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am thing. You can send her off or you can have breakfast together and that’s really easy. Over breakfast you can just talk and get to know her.
And if she comes out with you for breakfast after the deed, she’s down. She’s down for more. She wants to see you again and, you know, this is a good thing. So it solidifies the connection – having breakfast the next morning together will help solidify that. So then you don’t have to do this whole: what do I text her? – Right?
Now, if she has to go to work or if you don’t have time to get breakfast together or you’re both rushing off to work and you just get a coffee together – so you don’t have time for the breakfast – you just send her a nice text making sure she got to her destination, making sure she’s safe, something chivalrous like that.
Conversation Topics with a Girl
Or something just fun, so maybe you can take a photo of your croissant that you had and say something like, “Ooh a warm croissant in the morning.” Something like that, just casual – just ping her, just make contact to show her that you’re still interested in her besides just for this physical encounter.
It wasn’t just a way of tricking her into bed and now you don’t need her anymore. That’s the easier scenario to answer. Basically, you can just ping her like a friend – in other words, keep it casual. So you don’t want to go like, “Okay, when do you want to get married?” You don’t want to go heavy yet but just establish some contact that’s fun or even better, go for breakfast together or for a late night thing – food.
Scenario B, if you don’t want to see her again. All right, so the question is at what point did you decide that you don’t want to see her again? So if it was before sex that you decided that and you get the sense that she wants a relationship or wants to see you again then what you’ve done here is you’ve just done something where you knew that you were taking on a responsibility, in a sense, and you went through with it anyway.
So if you knew the effect emotionally that you would have on her and you went through with it anyway, you kind of were the douche bag. You’ve already done douche bag things, you kind of just fucked it up and now you’re in damage control.
So you said: if you probably don’t want to see her again. Now if you decided you don’t want to see her again because you didn’t have sexual chemistry – in other words, you didn’t know whether you would have sexual chemistry until you got to the bedroom and were doing the deed and then you decided there just isn’t this kind of chemistry.
But if you got to that point, if you got to the point where you’re having sex then presumably you liked her – like as a friend. Now you just have to be really, really obvious with her that it’s just something casual.
Talking to Women
So at this point you really have to be careful about the frequency of contact so you don’t send the wrong message. You have to be careful about the things you actually say so you don’t say anything that’s too commitment driven or commitment implications. In other words, don’t plan vacations together if that’s the case.
Don’t plan out how you’re going to have kids together. Don’t do any future projection that’s serious because those are all going to have her thinking about the two of you down the line, in the future. That’s just misleading. Stay in the now, stay in the moment.
Introduce her to your friends – not in the sense of this is the girl I’m seeing but in the sense of you can invite her to friends’ outings so she can hook up with your friends. So basically, she has other options. She can see that you’re flirting with other girls; she can flirt with other guys. It’s not like your hitting on other girls while you’re holding her hand or anything but you just show her that you have an abundant social life and everything’s just cool. Hopefully, hope to God, that you made that all clear before you jumped into bed with her.
If you’re like Romeo with her, like, “Oh, I love you! I have this connection with you. Let’s talk about where we’re going to go for our honeymoon.” – All this before you had sex and then “Ugh, the sex isn’t so great so I don’t want to see her again. Uh, now what do I do?” You’ve already fucked it up because you have not been transparent.
If on the other hand, you’re transparent from the beginning, you talked about the girl you saw last week or you talked about your buddy who’s seeing these two different girls and whatever, whatever. Girls talk about this all the time, by the way. Especially – misnomer, right – the more educated you are the more this talk that actually goes on.
The more educated you are, the more Sex and the City you’re probably going to be as a woman. The more of a realist you are, the harder it is to faze you and the less judgmental you are.
The more woman power you generally are as an educated – unless you’re at the far extremes with feminism. But the more female empowerment you are, the more you’re like a man. You approach dating like the traditional male way of being the hunter and in the way of being the pursuer and being the chaser – of getting, of looking to get things from the man. That’s generally the more educated approach.
So one of the things that Matthew was saying earlier was – in the email – was that: These are educated women. Well that actually means that they’re going to understand us even better. It’s the uneducated village girl that you’ll have to watch out for because she’ll come at you with all this naïve – well naïve for the modern world.
But here’s really idealistic notions, so if she’s really an uneducated, traditional, conservative – not having been exposed to a lot of things in the world then that’s a girl you really have to be careful with in terms of relationship expectations.
But the more career woman she is, the more modern she is, the more educated, sophisticated she is, the more you can talk to her like a realist. The more you can approach her with the kind of masculine take on things.
The more she’ll understand that because she’s intelligent. You don’t have to tippy-toe around her, you can just tell her the way it is and it’s up to her to choose whether she wants to go through with it or not. Always give them that choice.
And you have to make it clear what you’re choosing. Do not misrepresent yourself, do not lie, do not be deceiving. Be clear on what you’re about; don’t shy away from talking about your life or your lifestyle.
If you saw a girl – man, if you lined up two dates in a row like off Tinder – on Tinder this is so common, right? – Girls will line up Tinder dates two hours apart. Tinder dates are like the new mass speed dating thing.
So if that’s the case and this is girl number 3 and you sense that maybe she’s looking for a relationship and you don’t want to hurt her – because you want to be a real man, you don’t want to hurt her – just mention the fact that the first two girls you saw tonight on Tinder were not great and you’re hoping that she will be – you don’t want to get into specifics because that’s just mean about the other two girls – but you just, you know, as a back story for her to realize, “Okay, this guy clearly dates a lot of women so I have to be careful.” She has to be careful if she’s looking for emotional commitment from you or wants to dive into something serious quickly with you. She’ll get the idea especially if she’s intelligent.
The more transparent you are, the more all of these worries go away. The more courageous and brave you are by just putting yourself out there without hiding anything, the more explicit and clear you are about your own set of values, the easier it will be for you in relationships. The less heartbreak and drama you’ll be getting.
It’s the guys who are wishy-washy, it’s the guys who aren’t clear about their values, it’s the guys who are closeted men, who do things in shadow, who do things that they’re ashamed of – those are the guys who have a lot of problems in relationships with women.
Those are the guys who get the drama because they’re not clear on what’s going on. The woman doesn’t know the boundaries. The boundaries aren’t there because the guy hasn’t determined his values yet. So that’s the real answer. Determine your values that you can know where to draw the boundaries.
To answer the question quickly: Scenario B that you don’t want to see the girl again and you just had sex – be polite, be civil and just make sure you don’t – actually you don’t want to text her too quickly – in other words, you don’t want to send anything lovey-dovey or anything.
You can check if she’s got home safely – that’s good because you should care about that stuff. And then I’d wait a day or two before you send anything more otherwise you’re going to get her hoping. It’s better at this point that she understands.
The more educated, sophisticated she is, the more she will get the idea. And hopefully you were transparent from the beginning so she also knew what she was getting into. And also has that – she’s like, “Okay, we don’t have chemistry so we don’t want to pursue this further.”
But if you got that far with her probably you guys are friends. You can turn that into just a friendship and that’s cool. You can even have like the sit down over lunch or coffee and just like, “Hey, you’re such a great friend.” Keep using the word friend, friend, friend, friend, friend with her and she’ll get the idea.
Introduce her as your friend. She will probably – if she likes you still – she probably’d want to make a move on you, get physical. In that point, you might have to have a little talk with her just to let her know, “I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to raise your expectations. I’m just not ready for commitment. I’m just not ready for anything serious and I don’t want you to get hurt. Just so you know.”
And it’s just you being honest, they have to respect that. People have to respect that. You’ve got to put it out there. Ideally you would have said that before you made her vulnerable. It should all be done right from the beginning.
Okay, so there you go. Make sure that you join the secret Facebook group – the private Facebook group where I answer your questions personally on there. I read all of the questions and comments and you can vote up the questions you want answered. All right, so join The Man Up Movement – go to Man Up group and join it. I’ll see you in the next episode – man up.