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For over a decade, David Tian, Ph.D. — a uniquely qualified therapist, life coach, and former university professor — has coached tens of thousands of people from over 87 countries to achieve happiness and success in their relationships, dating, psychology, and lifestyle.
Dr. Tian has been featured in international media, as well as co-hosting a radio show on national radio and a weekly dating advice column in a national newspaper in Singapore.
The show, “Man Up: Masculinity for the Intelligent Man” (https://www.davidtianphd.com/blog/), is David’s way of helping as many people as possible enjoy empowering and fulfilling lives, while contributing to the global understanding of masculinity in modern times. In the show, he takes your questions posed in the Man Up private Facebook group (https://www.facebook.com/groups/manupcommunity/) and answers based on his experience coaching tens of thousands of students around the world for over a decade.
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Why It’s A Mistake To Focus On Texting Her
David Tian Ph.D. reveals the truth about awkward silences.
David Tian Ph.D. explains why the strategy used in this istuation is bound to fail.
In this Man Up episode, David Tian Ph.D. shares what we can do when we are too needy.
David Tian: Boom! Stop. I’m David Tian, PhD, and in this video, I answer the question: How to keep her hooked through texting? Welcome to Man Up Episode 205.
Masculinity for the Intelligent Man. I’m David Tian, PhD., and this is Man Up!
Hey, I’m David Tian, PhD., and for over the past 10 years, I have been helping hundreds of thousands of people in over 87 countries attain success, happiness and fulfillment in life and love. Welcome to Man Up Episode 205. I’m in Toronto. On a – what would you call this, a veranda of our hotel room. Here’s the SOHO Metropolitan right downtown, in downtown Toronto. I’m on the balcony. It’s pretty nice, but the sun is out. I want to not have to wear sunglasses while doing this. So, we’re going to walk inside and – it’ll be a little tricky, but anyway, going inside. I got a question here from the private Man Up Facebook group. This one comes from Lyndon. Lyndon, I’m going to answer your question real quick, just take shoes off real slick and – hey, don’t show my shoes. Come on, here we go. Alright, here we go. I’m going to open up the question here. I’m going to sit down. Yes, there we go. Perfect. Woo, yes, dynamic; following me around.
Lyndon, here we go:
He said he watched Man Up Episode 19. Wow, throwback to 19, about texting a girl. Okay, so he says he needs advice because the situation is slightly different. I’m going to read the situation. Lyndon says he’s with a girlfriend. He’s 29 and lives in England. “We’re just friends for now.” Okay, so he met a girl. They’re just friends for now. “I’d like to turn it into something more as I’ve liked her for ages.” If that’s been the case, then you’re already in friend zone, but let’s keep going. “I got her number only a week ago.” You’ve liked her for ages but you got her number a week ago “And the first load of texts were setting up a date, but never officially called it a date; we just hung out, if that’s close enough.”
Yes, you never went to officially call it a date unless you want to go through the courtship process and ask for her father’s permission for her hand in marriage. Look, dude. Just chill out. It’s 2017 now. No, who cares if it’s officially called a date? That doesn’t matter. Anyway, he’s 29. This is kind of odd. If I were to get this from a 19-year-old, it would just make a lot of sense and I probably wouldn’t even answer it because I’m thinking, “Well, he’s just young. He’s going to go through the phases” but he’s 29 right now.
He says she likes picturesque walks, so we went on one Thursday just gone, and we had a drink at a nearby pub in England and a nice talk. The entire thing went as well as I’d hoped. No awkward silences or moments, just fun and getting to know each other a little better. I see her mostly weekends as she works behind a bar near me, so I’ve seen her yesterday, and my final text was today asking if she’s heard or been to a potential place that could be a possible next outing for us. She responded after about 20 minutes and I just sent one back after about 15 minutes.” This is when you’re really new, you count the minutes, “Joking about me getting lost again and left it there.”
“Now, here’s the thing. I’m heading away for a few days, which has been in the pipeline for a while. The signal for my phone down where I’m heading is poor, so that could be a decent cover if this goes wrong.” Let me reread that. “The signal for my phone down where I’m heading is poor, so that could be a decent cover if this goes wrong.” You need cover for it to go… I don’t even understand. “Should I not text her at all until I see her again the coming weekend, or is that too much to go cold turkey and will she think I’ve lost interest?”
Alright, so if you were to ask – I guess there’s some pick-up artists out there who would give you the tactical, “If it’s like the 19th minute, you send this text, and in minute 27, you send this text. If she doesn’t reply, you send this text.” I’m not interested in any of that. We don’t do any of that in Aura or in the group anymore. If we ever did, I can’t even remember, but we don’t do that now. Look, it’s already lost for you, Lyndon. I’m sorry, but I’m trying to pause for all those little tells. There’s a bunch of comments underneath. I’m not even going to go there, but it’s just obvious. It’s already over, Lyndon.
So if somehow you get into this relationship with her, it’s just a matter of time before it falls apart. If it were Victorian England and she’s got no choice – because you’re going through courtship, right? So, you meet her in the drawing room of her father’s house. And then after 50 billion dates, you eventually show her father your dossier of assets, and he agrees to the marriage, and then you’re off in Jane Austen heaven land, right? So if that were the society you lived in, you’d have a hope. If you were in a village in rural Vietnam, you might have hope. However, you are in – it looks like some place near London or maybe London itself. It’s over for you.
Here’s some other tales from the guys who are in the same sort of situation and don’t know why, that Lyndon sounds sort of like a virgin here. And it’s okay. There’s no shame around it, but it’s important for you to walk in with both eyes open into your situation. You’re too needy. You’re way hella needy right now. No matter what’s going to happen, unless you change the underlying mindset, whatever techniques or tactics are only going to be basically a palliative. It’ll just be like you have a wound, but we’re just going to give you painkillers and the wound will just keep rotting and basically kill you. Your neediness is killing you here.
Here’s the issue: You’ve been friends for ages now, but you just got her number a week ago. That’s already a big red flag on you, right? You got her number only a week ago, and the first load of texts were setting up a date, but we never officially called it a date. So, you’re hung up on this whether it’s an official date and all this stuff. You think about awkward silences. No one who is mature has awkward silences. There are no awkward silences unless you make them awkward, or in your mind you interpret them as awkward. That’s another thing of socially unintelligent people.
You’re already fucked. Because in a relationship, you will have silences. Whether they are awkward or not is in your fucking head. Now, the fact is, you were in flow. You were having fun, right? So, there were no silences yet. I mean, the silences that you felt awkward in. But if you get into a relationship and there’s going to be some kind of friction at some point – if you think that that’s something to be avoided, that there’s silence between you, it’s already over for you.
What you need to do is get the free course in our Man Up group. Go to the Man Up group. There’s a pinned post there. Hit the pinned post. Get the free course on how to make a relationship passionate, relationship red flags, and watch every single Man Up episode that might help. You just need more education on how relationships and psychology actually work. You’re very uptight and you’re gripping onto this thing like you’re going to squeeze the life out of it. You’re not even in a relationship with her yet, but you’re counting the minutes. “She responded after about 20 minutes, I sent one back for 15 minutes.” Wow, I don’t know, man. Maybe the next one you’ll do 10 minutes? It’s over now. It’s already over for you.
So, this is the really bad one. So, all of those that could’ve been like, “Okay, maybe he’s just really excited and focusing on the wrong things right now, but maybe he’s still got it together.” But this is the deal killer for as far as the diagnosis goes. “Now, here’s the thing. I’m heading away for a few days, which has been in the pipeline for a while.” Who cares if it’s been in the pipeline for a while? Even if you spontaneously decide to head away for a few days, great, man! You’re a man! You’re 29 fucking years old. You have the right to do that, so who cares if it’s in the pipeline for a while? But you’re afraid, “Oh, if I disappear, my opportunity will be gone. My window of opportunity will be gone.” Who in his right mind, you’re thinking to yourself, would go away at this juncture, in this relationship, that you just got her number, and for a few days – unless you have to? Basically, you’re telling us you have to do it because it’s in the pipeline for a while, so you book some shit, or you were booked.
Dude, you’re taking this way too seriously. The reason why is because you’re super needy. Anyways, that’s not the big tale, by the way. That’s just the set up for it.
“I’m heading away for a few days, which has been in the pipeline for a while. The signal for my phone down where I’m heading is poor, so that could be a decent cover if this goes wrong.” How? What are you going to say, “Oh, I fucked up this text message because my reception was poor.” How will your reception explain why your text sucked? You’re just looking for like, “How can I protect myself from saying something stupid, because I’m not good enough to just be me naturally. I’m not comfortable enough in my own skin for me to be my true self. I have to put on a front, and I’m so concerned that my front, that my resume, that my interview will go well that I can’t let her see me for who I really am. So, I got to pretend to be somebody else who has got all this shit together. That means I don’t want anything to go wrong. I don’t want to, by the way, go away for a few days, right? Unless I have to.”
You’re so fucking uptight you’re going to kill it. Even if by some chance you’re lucky enough that in this next date that you get that she [INAUDIBLE 00:09:00] to meet you in goes well and smoothly and there are no silences, because all silences for you will be awkward, right? So, there’s no silences, and then by the third, fourth, fifth date, there will be silences and you will consider that to be awkward. There will be times when you have to let your guard down and you be you, and you don’t want to be you because you’re afraid that you’re not good enough for her. Why? Because for the whole fucking – you’ve known her for ages, but you only got the number now. You’ve known her for ages, but you only got that connection now. You’ve already been – you already don’t believe that you can be your true self and for her to like you for that.
It’s already over no matter what. It doesn’t matter what anyone else says as far as tactics go. That whole Vince Vaughn movie, I can’t remember now, it’s like “Oh, wait four days to message her back” and that kind of shit. It doesn’t matter. It’s already over. So your question: Should I not text her at all until I see her the coming weekend, or is that too much to go cold turkey, and would she think I’ve lost interest?” Who cares? Do what you want to do. The thing is, you’re too focused on her, so no matter what you do, it will fail. It might work for a week. It might work for a month, but eventually you’re going to have to let your guard down and be your real, true, needy insecure self. There’s nothing wrong with actually being needy or insecure. It’s the fact that you don’t want to be needy or insecure, so you hide it, and it’s really the shame.
So I’ve been backing away from saying the word ‘neediness’ a lot. That was a word I used a lot four years ago. I’ve grown a lot since then: knowledge, here, everywhere. Well, not that much on the body but I grew here a lot. But anyway, that was four years ago. I don’t use the word ‘neediness’ that much anymore because it’s okay to be needy. The problem is when you put shame on top of being needy like, “I don’t want to be needy. I’m ashamed of being needy. I don’t want to look like I’m needy. I want to be perceived as X.” Any time you want to be perceived as anything, whether it’s high status, whether it’s cool, whether it’s whatever fucking thing like you’re intelligent or whatever, you’re already gone. It’s already over for you. You’ve already lost. You’re already unhappy and unhealthy emotionally.
It’s okay to be needy and insecure, but if you’re ashamed of being needy and insecure, that is what will sabotage it. That’s actually the case for you, Lyndon. What is the long term fix for it? First, start getting educated because I think you just have a basic education issue, just an information knowledge issue. That is easily handled by our free courses and by all of the content we’re going to be putting out and have already put out on top of that. And then you need to start diving deeper into the roots of your insecurity and start to work through those emotionally. And so, we have all these other paid courses for that, or coaching, or therapy. All of those will help. But first, just get started on learning up on your education.
Another thing: Join the private Facebook group. So many guys who join the group, when you join the group, don’t just join the group and do nothing. Join the group and follow the fucking instructions. It bothers my mind how many stupid people there are. Okay, I know you’re not all stupid, but maybe you are. It’s like you’re not tech-savvy. There are so many people, so many Americans especially. There are a lot of Americans in the group. I’m not sure why. I think it’s mostly the English-speaking world, 300-something million Americans, 60 million in UK, 30 million in Canada. The overwhelming will be American, but it seems like the rural Americans have trouble with technology. They don’t understand how privacy settings work on Facebook. They don’t know how Facebook works. They don’t read the cover image where the instructions are clearly stated on the cover image.
So when you enter, do yourself a favor. Turn that brain on and read the cover image. Just follow the instructions which just says ‘Tap this cover image for your free courses’. Tap that motherfucker, and then see all the wonderful text there. The other thing is – on mobile and on your laptop, if you’re looking at this on laptop, there will be a pinned post. That’s the post at the top of the group. No matter what, that thing will be there. If you’re in your mobile, it will just say ‘pinned post’ in really small letters. That’s understandable if you don’t see it.
But if you’re tech-savvy with Facebook, you know how to use it, you’ll see that right underneath the cover image. There’s a pinned post thing. Just tap it. Kaboom, and rolls out all these free courses. You just take those free courses. They’re all there. So many guys, maybe like every week there are three or four, maybe several, will come in and like, “Okay, I’ve joined the group.” You know, instead they start either trying to ask questions or answer other people’s questions without any education. So, the first step is get your basic education. Get that information. Get that knowledge. That’s all there in the free courses. There are free courses on how to recover from a breakup, on how to start conversations with women. This is one that Lyndon would need, what attraction is all about, how to make friends anywhere you go. There are so many. I can’t just remember all of them, but there are like over 13 courses in there.
Get that pinned post. Join the private Facebook group. Tap the pinned post. Get the free courses. They’re all in there. Lots of education, over 5 hours easily of video the last time we counted. Definitely more than five hours now, and I’ll see you inside the private Facebook group. There’s actually a lot of guys in there who are quite mature. They interact with each other and comment. We have over 17,000 people in there now, so join the private Facebook group. I will see you in there. Lyndon, get some education. For the guys watching this, get some education. I’ll see you inside the group. Until then, David Tian, signing out. Man Up!