“Hello, Social Retards!”
by David Tian, Ph.D.
Last weekend, I was partying at a local mega-club, which I like because there are relatively few social retards there. I was joined by a big group―over a dozen fun guys, a few Singapore Airlines stewardesses, and a couple of fashion models.
One of our guy friends, Ken, was trying out a “new look,” which included a bling-bling belt buckle so shiny I needed sunglasses to look at it.
He wanted the opinion of the average girl on the street. He spotted a group of three below-average-looking girls standing on their own in the middle of the bar area next to us.
So with a big smile, Ken turned to them. But as he started his sentence, one girl immediately stuck her hand in his face and waved him away. She wouldn’t even let him finish his sentence!
That’s when we found our social retards. I’m sure you already know the type: Adults who lack elementary social maturity, incapable of interacting socially, and ignorant of basic social manners. The way we usually are when we’re seven years old and afraid of strangers, hiding behind mom whenever a grown-up addressed us.
How to Make Friends
If you really want to be left alone to stand around, drink, and listen to music with your two friends, you can do that at home or in a restaurant-bar. If you come to a crowded social setting where people are being social, you should observe basic social norms, including politeness and civility. You don’t have to talk to anyone, but you don’t have to be rude, either. Show common courtesy and respect due to any human being.
When Ken came back to us, we had a good laugh. So another one of our guy friends wanted to meet the social retards. What did they think of his sunglasses at night? He got the wave off even before he started his sentence. The next friend went to get their opinion on his new tattoo. The same socially retarded reaction. And then the next friend, and the next. People around us started to notice and joined in the laughter.
Finally, a girl in our group ended the frivolities and went over to say, “Look, you’re not even hot enough to be such bitches… But thanks for the laughs!” They stared speechless.
Hilariously, these social retards still had no clue that most of the bar were laughing at them. I’ve got to hand it to them. That’s an impressive level of social retardation.
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