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For over a decade, David Tian, Ph.D. — a uniquely qualified therapist, life coach, and former university professor — has coached tens of thousands of people from over 87 countries to achieve happiness and success in their relationships, dating, psychology, and lifestyle.
Dr. Tian has been featured in international media, as well as co-hosting a radio show on national radio and a weekly dating advice column in a national newspaper in Singapore.
The show, “Man Up: Masculinity for the Intelligent Man” (https://www.davidtianphd.com/blog/), is David’s way of helping as many people as possible enjoy empowering and fulfilling lives, while contributing to the global understanding of masculinity in modern times. In the show, he takes your questions posed in the Man Up private Facebook group (https://www.facebook.com/groups/manupcommunity/) and answers based on his experience coaching tens of thousands of students around the world for over a decade.
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When Your Guy Friends Attract More Girls Than You
David Tian Ph.D. talks about men who are ego-driven, when they have validation neediness.
David Tian Ph.D. discusseshow human beings are very much driven by comparisons between themselves and other people in order to feel happy and satisfied.
In this Man Up episode, David Tian Ph.D. reveals what gets in the way of real, sustained contentment and happiness and fulfillment.
David Tian: Boom! Stop! This is Man Up, episode 38 and we’re going to be talking about in this episode: What to do when your girls like your friends more than you?
Masculinity for the Intelligent Man. I am David Tian, Ph.D., and this is: Man Up!
Hey guys, David Tian, Ph.D. This is Man Up. We’re continuing, this is episode now 38, we’re continuing the question that Tim had asked. I’m about to reach for my phone. I am filming this on my own. The tripod is totally failing on the grass because it’s very uneven. So I’m actually now holding it. And it’s cold and my hand’s getting a little bit tired and cold but I’m going to try to knock out a few of these questions while I’m here in Canada.
Very busy out here seeing family and just getting some paperwork done. So if you guys are out here – I know a bunch of guys in Canada who’ve been reaching out to me. I just haven’t been able to do a lot of meetings just because I already have so much on my plate. Been out here for two and a half weeks, before popping back to warm and sunny -hopefully not too polluted – Asia.
So, let’s get to this question. Again, this is from Tim. Part two of his original question. Just one paragraph here so I’ll read it out. His original question was how to handle jealousy. He’s asking now: What’s even more curious to me is that for a long time, I see myself as a fairly non-needy person.
I’m usually quite unreactive and chilled when challenged by women. But recently some girls that I’m only mildly interested in tried to hook up with my friends and there’s this nagging feeling within me that hurts. Maybe because I knew they could’ve been mine. I never thought this could happen to me since I always have several options around, would love to hear your thoughts on this.
All right, Tim. Again, just as a background, Tim asked a couple of questions before in the private Facebook group. One of the questions, the original one, was about multiple relationships. From what I recall, correct me if I’m wrong. I think it’s the same Tim. What I picked up from that, just reading the question and some clarification back and forth, was that there was a lot of ego involved.
You wanted to have an open relationship but you wanted to have the girl tell all the other guys – not only the guy she’s dating – but all of her girlfriends. So this is causing problems, obviously. And I questioned, towards the end of that video, the insistence on having her tell everybody that she’s seeing you. It’s like you’re claiming her. You’re pissing on the tree to stake your ground or territory or whatever.
What do you need to do that for? And if you’re doing that, there’s a lot of ego involved. Let’s just be honest, 99% of the PUA world and the guys coming into this group, about half of them are coming from that background. That’s how they heard about me. To have so much ego is disgusting. Most of the PUA world – including many of the most prominent coaches – are just ego-driven.
Even if they’re like big shots or they get publicity in the moment, I know they’re going to be miserable. They’re going to be miserable. It might take a year, it might take a couple of years, a few years but they’re going to fall. And it’s going to hurt. And hopefully they’ll come out of that humbled, because that’s a necessary stage, and evolve beyond that. But many of them don’t. Many of them just paper over their ego, their validation neediness with more validation. It’s a horrible cycle.
Tim, you’re falling into this trap. It’s great because I’m seeing more questions just validating that original hunch that I had, that intuition, just based on the earlier question. Here again, you’re actually getting to it yourself.
You’re kind of seeing this but you don’t really point it out. One of the things you put in your brackets was, I mean again just validating yourself unnecessarily, saying here in the brackets: “I’m usually quite unreactive…” When you hear that you’re like – the alarms go off. “…and I’m usually quite chilled when challenged by women. And there’s this nagging feeling within me that hurts.” That’s good. That’s self-awareness. That’s evolution. That’s good. It’s maturity.
But then you negate all that with the brackets: “Maybe because I knew they could’ve been mine.” And then you end it with, “…since I always have several options around.”
It’s just like when somebody who’s – including many women, I’m not just pointing out myself because I’ve gone through that stage so I know what it’s like to utter those words. But women who’ve gone through the many years of validation stage can read right through you. That you’re just doing this, you’re acting out of your ego because you need to feel like “the man”. Because you don’t feel like you’re a man yet unless you get lots of women, several options around.
I don’t feel, I don’t react, I’m not needy. This is bullshit. Here’s what a mature man would say: I’m jealous. I’m jealous that these girls like my friends. I’m jealous of my friends. I’m insecure. I need this validation from girls telling me that I’m better than my friends. It’s just a normal ego thing.
Social Psychology has proven that human beings are very much driven by comparisons between themselves and other people in order to feel happy and satisfied. And this is something you’ve got to be very aware of in yourself. People who are happy when there was no money, there’s nothing – like 200 years ago when there was no Apple computers, there are no cars and people were still happy.
They didn’t have electricity, whatever, right, it’s pretty primitive. But they were happy. You don’t need all of these external material things to be happy. I’m out here in nature. People have been happy. Homo sapiens have been happy for tens of thousands of years. And they’ve also felt really jealous; they’ve felt really good about themselves, as well.
And most of that is just looking at your neighbor, seeing he’s worse off than you and you feeling good about yourself. Now this is a low level kind of happiness but it’s there. It’s a part of human nature. It’s a part of your evolution, evolved to nature because if we didn’t have that, we probably wouldn’t be surviving – like fighting to the death, survival of the fittest. We wouldn’t have made it. So it’s part of our competitive nature that drove us to this point. So you’ve got to be aware of that in yourself, the less evolved part of yourself. It gets in the way of real, sustained contentment and happiness and fulfillment.
And of course, you’re not reaching for it because the things you’re saying have nothing to do with happiness or fulfillment. It’s everything to do with ego. I have no interest in helping you stroke your ego or stroking other parts of yourself. You stroke your ego by having people stroke other parts of yourself.
I’m not interested in doing that. I’ve been down that road. I can show you how to get girls into you and all that. It’s not going to matter as far as your happiness goes. In the end, you’ll still be miserable. Hopefully you’ll awaken to this fact and keep following the videos.
I’ve produced some products now – especially the one called Limitless and Invincible that walk guys through not only how to be more sexually attractive but more importantly how to find fulfillment and purpose in life. And to evolve beyond these trivial, petty, ego validation stuff.
So just putting that out there for your consideration. I try to be as humble as I can about these things, intellectually as well. It’s amazing how far I’ve come in five years, looking back, and the things that I thought I knew very well. My academic background also teaches me that we all know very little, really. We think we know a lot more than we really do. Putting that out there for your consideration, Tim, hopefully you’ll take that to heart.
For all you guys who want to ask any other questions, I’d love to answer them. I’m always looking for more questions. You can help me by giving me more questions that I can sink my teeth into. A lot of guys write to me privately. I’d prefer if you put it in the Facebook group because then other guys can benefit from it, all right, so just putting that out there. The best way to do that is to join the private Facebook group. You can see the link somewhere near this video, under the video probably. And I’ll see you there in the private Facebook group, until then – man up.