Man Up | Ep. 109 • May 13, 2016
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or over a decade, David Tian, Ph.D., has coached tens of thousands of people from over 87 countries to achieve happiness and success in their dating and love lives.
Once a nerdy, skinny professor of philosophical psychology who couldn’t hold a conversation to save his life, David is now director of Aura Transformation Corp., and a world renowned dating and life coach using therapeutic methods. Dr. Tian has been featured in international media, including AXN, Cosmopolitan, Psychology Today, as well as co-hosting a radio show on national radio and a weekly dating advice column in a national newspaper in Singapore. Formerly a professor at the National University of Singapore, Dr. Tian is actively researching, speaking, and publishing in the areas of philosophy and psychology.
The show, “Man Up: Masculinity for the Intelligent Man,” is David’s way of helping as many people as possible enjoy empowering and fulfilling lives, while contributing to the global understanding of masculinity in modern times. In the show, he takes your questions posed in The Man Up private Facebook group and answers based on his experience Coaching tens of thousands of students around the world for over a decade.
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David Tian: Boom! Stop. In Episode 109, I address the question of: Is being high status important for attracting women?
Masculinity for the intelligent man. I’m David Tian, Ph.D. and this is Man Up!
Hey, I’m David Tian, Ph.D. and for over the past ten years, I’ve been helping tens of thousands of people all around the world in over 87 countries attain success in dating and relationships, and welcome to Episode 109 of Man Up: Masculinity for the Intelligent Man. I’m in Shanghai, pretty high up as you can see. It’s pretty cloudy, but it was raining earlier, so it’s even worse before. But you can kind of see this view here, it’s pretty cool, and that’s a tower that I was in – we were in before. This room is 83rd floor, and you can see across the river is another Hyatt that we stayed in.
So, we did sort of a Hyatt tour for a week and a half, so here we are. Pretty cool view. I just want to show you the view of Shanghai. This is the Pudong side of Shanghai, very much central business district. Okay, so I got to move here so you can see my face. Cool, I think that’s pretty good. We’ll leave it there. Alright, so I’m re-shooting Episode 97. This is 109. I’m re-shooting 97 because the audio was spoiled, which gives me a chance to answer that question again. It’s good because in the meantime, another guy asked the same question and it’s about status, so great. I’m going to answer two guys’ question in one episode. I got to do this quick because we got to rush to the airport. We’re already running behind time. I’m always putting this to the last minute.
Okay, so the original question was from Tom. Can’t remember the other gentleman’s name, it’s up at the top so I’d have to scroll up and I’d lose the original question. So, I’m just going to focus on this one but another gentleman asked a similar question about status. So, here we go, Tom, the original question was, “What are your thoughts on becoming high status? It seems like a trend in the dating scene. Would you say it is really that powerful?”
So, it’s not a trend at all. If you can recall back to 2002 and 2003, well over ten years ago, there’s a guy named Mystery who was talking about DHVs. There are a lot of guys who are already focusing on status well over ten years ago. This is basic, basic, basic. It’s not like new or anything. It also comes from evolutionary psychology. We already knew this a long time ago. So basic, basic, basic.
Now, the thing is though, he’s asking the question on the context of an acquaintance’s program, which I haven’t seen. That acquaintance was a guest speaker on my program Desire System, and that was filmed I think January 2014, around there. And in the Desire System, I covered a lot of what Tom is asking about in terms of body language, eye contact, tonality. I also cover movement, your fashion sense, conversation, a lot of great things. And it’s pretty basic though, in terms of status itself is basic.
Now, the question is, further down – I asked for clarification, where’s he going with this, and he attached this article on a blog and he quotes it here, “Your status is your social standing: where you stand in a group. Women are attracted to men whom they perceive as having higher status than themselves, and not to men who convey lower status.” Okay, this is just straightforward evolutionary psychology. “You simply cannot make a woman feel attracted to you by communicating lower status. This is a key principle in the courtship game: never communicate lower status. Put in another way: make sure that you’re very obviously cooler than the girl is at all time.” Wow, this is just disgusting.
“The amazing thing about status is that it is about your self-image.” Self-image. “You do not have to be rich, famous or the head of a large company. If you believe you have higher status and thereby behave as if you do, then you will have it. If you communicate higher status, then you will be higher status.”
How to Attract Women
Okay, so first of all, let’s just set the record straight, I’m trying to get to the point quick: status is one factor out of many that make a difference. It’s one variable out of many that make a difference when it comes to attraction, sexual attraction. Obviously, it plays a role; status is linked to power, your access to power, and your access to resources and so forth. So, status, in terms of access to social alliances, or having the social alliances, so you can get allies, teams, and you can be the leader of those allies, as well as actual resources like food, shelter and so on, right? So that these things matter.
So, status in itself obviously helps because it’s access to resources and social alliances. Is it the end-all, be-all? Of superficial women, yes it is. But like other non-superficial women, it is one factor out of many. Another factor that’s very important is your physical appearance. So, if you’re fat and ugly and you have horrible breath, being the guy with social status in your context, Tom, and in the PUA context, it’s usually like a club or some shit.
So like, the guy at the club at the most expensive table with the dom train coming to him and he’s like, you know, a 50,000 dollar table, he has the highest status in that club, but it doesn’t mean girls are sexually attracted to him. If he’s got horrible breath, if he’s got booger coming out of his nose while he’s talking, while he spits to him while he’s talking; if he’s fat and ugly, and just disgusting and has disease… Just because he’s got the money and other guys look up to him doesn’t make them sexually attracted.
The girls who will be going there are the ones who might not mind selling out to get a free drink at the table and then bringing it back to the hot guy that she’s going to bang, who has lower status but a great physical appearance, and a great personality and a great heart. Those are all things that, in my opinion, are more important in life than status. But you know, PUAs who don’t have status, I mean, PUA, and all of that really appeals to guys who don’t have status – and that’s where it really comes down to. Like, guys who fake status.
So basically, this article that Tom has quoted is coming from a position of, “I don’t have status.” So, it starts off with saying your status is your social standing, but you can fake it if it’s in your head. It’s sort of like, either it’s objective or it’s not objective. And if it’s objective, then you can’t fake it. So in order words, if it’s your social standing, you can pretend like you’re better than you are, and you might trick people into thinking you’re better than you are, but then you’re just a fake person on a fake status.
Because if status means where you’re standing is relative to that society that you’re in, your social standing, then let’s say your social standing in actuality is low because on the traditional status markers you’re low… For instance, on education, on money, on your background, your family background and so on is low but you pretend it’s high – because you want to get the girls who like guys who are getting that – then you’re a fake.
And in a way, it’s sort of like that fat, ugly, horrible personality, evil guy in the club who’s got the 50,000 dollar table and laying it down, girls will not be sexually attracted to him. The gold diggers will want to come to him and use him, and other people will use him to a more minor extent, but no one’s really going to be sexually attracted to them. So, status in itself doesn’t equate to sexual attraction. It can, sometimes when it’s about superficial girls or girls who want to show off that they’ve hooked up with this guy. But to be really sexually attractive, you need to have…
It’s good, it’s obviously better all things considered, to have all of these other variables that matter. Like your physical appearance, or your fitness, your fashion, more importantly, for men; your personality is more important for everybody. And whether you actually have values that are in common with the people you’re talking to, with the girls that you’re interacting with.
So, there you go. Status is one out of many variables, especially the more superficial the girl is, the more status will be important to her; the more superficial people are, the more status appeals to them. So, if you want to attract superficial people, then by all means just gun for status. But what PUAs try to do is fake status, they fake status and they obsess about status. Anybody who obsess about status is actually displaying a symptom of a narcissistic personality disorder.
Basically, what this is saying is, people who obsess about how other people perceive them, whether other people think that they’re important or significant, there’s actually something psychologically wrong with them or psychologically unhealthy about that. And what happens is most PUAs started out as low self-esteem, needy people. Low self-esteem, needy guys who feel badly about themselves. And they cover that up by pretending to be puffed up and having that fake self-esteem, which is basically like a fake confidence. They try to fake these mannerisms in the hopes that it will appeal to the superficial people, because they themselves are too focused on how other people perceive them.
Dating Advice for Men
So, even when they get the girl that they want, it’s mostly to fill that need in their heart for that ego validation, to tell themselves, that the world can tell them that they’re worthy of love. And they fill that void by being a fake person. People who have status don’t give a shit about status. So, people who have status don’t think very much about it. In fact, they think lowly of it. It doesn’t really matter, because what really matters to people of status, genuinely status… So PUAs, just build real status and value in your lives. Stop fucking faking it.
Now obviously, if you are coming from nothing and you made yourself something, like you’re a first generation wealthy or something, then just simply take a manners course, a grooming course. Like, I took a modelling course, it was a six week thing, teach you how to walk and move and so on, and I’ve taken all the good stuff from there and put them into my program. This was like seven/eight years ago, so I already integrated all of that into the body language, into the movement and tonality. I learned it from various other places. I learned about conversation and what you should say, what you should ask, how you talk in cultured settings, high table settings and so on; from a lot of different sources.
But you can get that from one of those etiquette classes. I’m in China, and there’s a lot of new rich here. In fact, you can’t be old money, because if you were old money you would have been persecuted during the communist revolution, or you would have already fled to Taiwan. So, there’s no real old money here, it’s all new money. But then the new money wants to fit in with the international money, so they will hot pay tens of thousands of dollars for their kids, and for themselves, to take grooming and etiquette courses. So, you learn how to say Louis Vuitton and you use a fucking knife and shit, right? So, they learn all that; culture, manners, class bullshit, right?
Dating Tips for Men
So, you learn all that. But then the people who actually have class, they actually take pride in saying fuck you to the class because it’s kind of like an independence thing. So, people who have a status don’t really give a fuck about status. When you have it, you don’t really appreciate it so much and you’re looking for other things. And the deeper things, and things that are much more rare than status like a good heart, like compassion, like integrity, those are the things that good people look for. Those are the things I think about, and those are the things that my programs focus on.
Obviously, to save you the money and time in taking a grooming and etiquette class and how to speak in a high-status way, I already include that in Limitless, in many modules actually. I also included it in the Desire System to a lesser extent, but very thoroughly in Limitless. So, if that’s something you’re interested in, I cover that there. But that’s just a peripheral, I mean, that’s in a later module because the most important parts are your mindset and your attitude. Far more important than all the practical shit. Because when you fix it in here, it takes care of all of the stuff out there. Fix it in here, takes care of the stuff out here. The stuff out here is much easier to learn.
I’ve been coaching for over ten years and I’ve taught guys from the outside ins before, where you just give them the body language and the way they speak, and the eye contact and so on. And then, they’re just focusing on all of this external stuff, and they’re in their heads and they’re uncomfortable, and awkward and it’s just all wrong because they haven’t fixed up here first. This is much harder though it’s easier in terms of you can just stay in your room and do it, but it’s more direct; it requires more courage. So anyway, that’s something that most of my programs focus on.
Now, because in an online delivery, that’s really your best bet, to focus on here.
Okay, but then he came up with another comment, “Thank you, David. Would you agree women will not sleep with someone who is perceived lower value than her, though? This is what you’re…” Okay, yes. The question is, “Would you agree a women will not sleep with someone who is perceived lower value than her, though?” Value and status are different things. So, status, if it means your social status relative to your society, that’s actually something that’s determinable by the standards of the society. Okay, so it’s still relative to that society but within that society is subjective, so however the society has given you the value.
Value itself though is relative and it’s subjective. So, value is simply what somebody considers to be important. Now, what most PUAs, when they use the word ‘value’ they use it differently from how I use it. They use it differently from how our Aura Transformation company uses it. We use the word value to mean something different from what PUAs use it as. PUAs mean social value; that’s all they care about, what other people think of you. So, they all are displaying, and encouraging, and teaching other guys and training them to have narcissistic personality disorders. So, there you go, and then they need therapy afterwards and they need to come to us.
But in the meantime, they’re all like, “Oh, social values, social values, social values.” But like, how much the society – and usually the societies were quite narrow for them – it usually means the society of the people in the club. So, how much the people in the club value you. So basically, you’re letting your own value as a human being be determined by other people and other people that are relatively, to me, of low value.
Let’s put it this way. I’ll give you an example of relative values. And I’ve already been writing about this since 2009 in the blog. You can go google Challenge Screening, David Tian, Asian Rake, any of those things you’ll find it, that article. In the club, the guy who’s putting down 50K at the table, having the dom trains, everyone’s looking as the sparklers come by and then the girls go over for their free drinks and to use the guy. And also, in the hopes that he’ll have the whole package, right? So, he’ll also be physically fit, attractive, he’ll have a great personality, make them laugh, also a good person. I mean, like that full package. But it rarely is the case, it’s usually the guy is overcompensating with money.
So in that case, that guy’s social value is quite high. But you know whose social value is the highest in the club? The hot girl. So, the hot girl can get into that table for free if she’s hot, and the guy says, “Yeah, come”, because he’s hoping he can add her to his fuck list, right? So, he’s going, “Yeah, come on in.” And with nothing else other than her putting on some makeup, and looking pretty and shoving her boobs up, she can go into that table, her value is higher than this guy who had to work his ass off for like 40 years or 50 years, to make those millions that he’s now able to splash 50K in one night. And her value, just a 21 year old girl, just looking real pretty and shit, is equal to his. It’s pretty crazy, but that’s the club.
So, the guys who are playing the status game in the club will almost always lose and will always lose to the girl, the hot girl. They will always lose to the hot girl, because if the hot girl can play off different money guys, the hot girl will always be able to get in there for free with very little money to her name, it doesn’t fucking matter. She didn’t work for nothing. Versus, imagine like the Dalai Lama walking to the club or some spiritual guy, somebody who actually has moral or spiritual values. Maybe he’s going to go visit his friend on his birthday or something, and he sees all of these hot girls trying to do their thing, young girls trying to jockey for a position.
They see a lot of guys splashing out money and they just see through it all as just ways of compensating for that emptiness in themselves. And he sees right through that, and his value system is totally different. His value system makes it so that you’re of higher value if you have thought deeply about your spiritual, your values, maybe you’ve done this meditation, I don’t know, whatever their spiritual values thing, hierarchy is. But you can see easily how people have different hierarchies of value.
The person who has spent 20 years in the Congo working for Doctors without Borders, to me, is of higher value than the hot club girl or the [INAUDIBLE] type. I’m not going to attack any specific individual. Also, I think [INAUDIBLE] does try to donate to charity and so on. But you imagine the typical dude at the club, the douchebag at the club who’s laying down money to compensate for his lack of other areas of his life… And how those hierarchies that value you are different, so no, I mean this bullshit, “Would you agree women will not sleep with someone…?”
If she perceives… And here’s the deal, value and status are not the same, so you’re asking the value question within the context of the status question, so I wanted to bring that out; that value can vary very quickly and easily within a physical environment, a society. Whereas social status, if that word means anything… Because what you were saying earlier was, the quotation you have here earlier is, “If you believe it, then it’s true.” Like if you think you’re higher status, then you are. You’re totally devaluing or destroying the definition of status as an English word.
That’s like saying if you’re obese but you look in the mirror and say, “I am thin”, then you’re thin. No, you got a lot of fat on your body. Just believing that you don’t have any won’t change the situation. So, social status is your social standing, and the standing is determined by society, not by you. You can always switch societies, of course, but within that society is subjective. Value, however, can be determined by you. So, this Dalai Lama can just laugh at all these people who’s in the club think he’s of lower value, when he thinks he is living according to his own values and a life of dignity, and integrity and authenticity; so he’s of higher value to himself.
And in fact, he probably wouldn’t even think in terms of value. I don’t think in terms of social value. None of our programs teach guys to think in terms of social value. It is a dangerous, dangerous road to walk down. Instead, we think about values, as in moral values, maybe spiritual values for you, whatever’s important to you and understanding why it’s important to you, because that’s much more important to gaining your self-esteem for the long run: lasting, permanent self-esteem.
And lastly, one of the many things that has kind of pissed me off… I noticed a lot of questions. Guy just show up into the group, coming from some fucking PUA background, and assume that I’m a PUA, that we do PUA bullshit, that we have the same assumptions. We don’t fucking have the same assumptions with PUAs. We don’t fucking just want to bang girls. We don’t fucking care about that shit. We don’t fucking care about social values, social status. If that’s the fucking shit that you want, you’re not just talking about learnings like to stand up straight, and have your chin up and speak with culture in a nice deep resonant tone or whatever, if that’s not what you mean…
Because that’s easy and you can learn that on the fucking internet, but if you’re actually gaming for status, like doing frame battles, at an extreme level and so on; shit testing all this shit. Like, if that’s what interests you, then please leave my group, please don’t interact with me at all. I don’t want to deal with you. I’d rather quit, go hang out in my parent’s basement than have to deal with that. Understand this? Please understand that we are not fucking PUAs, okay? We are trying to help people actually find fulfillment. We actually give a shit about moral values. I just said shit and moral values in the same sentence, yes I did.
Alright, so please, we’re not in that game, alright? I have a lot of friends who are, and some of them are still in that marketing-wise, but we’ve moved beyond that many years ago. We still want to help every guy who wants any help on that. So, we welcome you, but understand why there is tension in terms of understanding your question. We do not share the same assumptions, we do not share the same goals, okay? Let’s just make that fucking clear. Put it out there, I don’t fucking care. And if you think I’m a hypocrite, call me out, but fuck that shit, man. I don’t want to deal with this shit no more. Status, social value, it’s disgusting.
It’s like this narcissistic shit that it’s in my head. Just answering the question is like pollution to my head, alright? So, understand this. I’ve gone through extreme lengths to destroy these beliefs out of my head. And if you go through Invincible, an awesome product, you will find how to do that for yourself, so that you have these strong reactions to these limiting beliefs that prevent you from achieving and experiencing the things you want: fulfillment, happiness and so on.
Tips for Men
So, I’ll leave at that. I thought I’d be a little bit more emotional at the end to just get people’s attention as well. There you go. Please join the private Facebook group. I appreciate all the questions, I appreciate Tom’s question, I appreciate the question earlier by the other gentlemen, I’m scrolling up now to find his name, thank you for all these questions. Jason, is it? I can’t find it now. Yusaki? Yuseki. Thank you for those questions. I will see you inside the private Facebook group. Join that. Got to rush to the airport. Until the next time, Man Up!