Man Up | Ep. 93 • March 30, 2016
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or over a decade, David Tian, Ph.D., has coached tens of thousands of people from over 87 countries to achieve happiness and success in their dating and love lives.
Once a nerdy, skinny professor of philosophical psychology who couldn’t hold a conversation to save his life, David is now director of Aura Transformation Corp., and a world renowned dating and life coach using therapeutic methods. Dr. Tian has been featured in international media, including AXN, Cosmopolitan, Psychology Today, as well as co-hosting a radio show on national radio and a weekly dating advice column in a national newspaper in Singapore. Formerly a professor at the National University of Singapore, Dr. Tian is actively researching, speaking, and publishing in the areas of philosophy and psychology.
The show, “Man Up: Masculinity for the Intelligent Man,” is David’s way of helping as many people as possible enjoy empowering and fulfilling lives, while contributing to the global understanding of masculinity in modern times. In the show, he takes your questions posed in The Man Up private Facebook group and answers based on his experience Coaching tens of thousands of students around the world for over a decade.
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Hey, welcome this is David Tian, Ph.D. and this is Man Up Episode 93. So now we’re in 93 which is really cool almost to 100, we committed when we started shooting Man Up to 50 episodes and here we are almost doubling it. We’ll see how much longer we can go, maybe to 200 or 300, we’ll see, really it’s driven by your questions;, so if you want me to keep filming, answering questions please ask me questions.
So we got a here question from Vincent in the private Facebook group. Vincent is studying nanotechnology in Germany and he met a really beautiful girl in one of his classes. “We texted for sometime but at that point I was too scared to really ask her out on a date. After one year and really contact with her I finally ask her out. She said yes and we went on a date.”
Those are two sentences and from those two sentences you can already know a lot about Vincent. So Vincent is he’s not a man yet. He’s a boy and by that I mean, it took you a year of texting her to finally ask her out. You didn’t tell me what you guys did on this date but probably dinner or something boring like that.
How To Ask Out A Girl
You could ask her out for coffee and then had one on one times is just as good if not better and it took you a year to do that, a year of texting and it’s because you said., “At that point I was too scared to ask her out.” So you’re a student studying something very complex, nanotechnology and I assume you’re at least 18, 19?
And that’s the transition period. Okay, so this is cute if you’re like 10 years old, you got a crush on a girl in your class and you’re too shy to ask her if she wants to be your Valentine then you work up the courage to do it and there you go.
And it’s okay to do that, I mean, you’re young and you’re trying to grow up and that’s the problem and this is the perfect group for you. Now if you’re a graduate student or something then you’re really behind. You really need to be a man.
You said you’re too scared to ask her out. There are a lot of things to be scared about in this world like ISIS, battle, death, being killed by a gun.
There are a lot of things to be scared of. There are many other things that are worthy of much more fear worthy than asking a girl or talking to a girl and asking her if she wants to go to coffee.
How to Approach A Girl
Now the P-way world they even give it a term for the sort of this fear, it’s like approach anxiety and that kind of make sense if it’s like when you’re cold approaching somebody.
So like direct sales like cold approach sales is scary, I mean, it’s not something that’s the norm, growing up cold approaching friends but this is somebody in your class and you’ve known her for a year and you’ve texted her that’s a different type of fear. It’s not approach anxiety, that’s just fear.
How to Start Talking to a Girl
So when guys asked me, “I’m afraid to do X, Y, Z what should I do?” – The answer is always do X, Y, Z. you must do whatever you’re afraid of, just go and do it. So you really need to do you’re X, Y, Z, go and do it. If you’re afraid of it you must do it and it’s just the process of manning up and facing your fears and stepping through and going to do it.
Dating Advice for Men
Anyway, the answer to all of his problems is he has to man up. He has to go on. No matter what even if you were to get this girl, like you could take a pill and suddenly you know how to ask a girl out and whatever. It doesn’t fucking matter because you’re afraid, you’re scared. Anytime there’s a fear-based question the problem fundamentally is always the fear. You got to fix the fear first because nothing else after that matters.
That’s part one and we’ll call that Episode 93. For the guys who are asking longer questions I might break up the question like I am now for Vincent. So check back Vincent and check back for the rest of the story but that first diagnosis is fear-based and that’s the first thing.
How to Talk to A Girl
That’s the most important thing you got to fix. Nothing else matters. If you’re too afraid to talk to a girl then you’re not a man yet and that’s okay, most of the world isn’t men. Most of the males in this world no matter what age they are, are not men yet because what they’re afraid of is something that 100 years ago especially 2 or 300 years ago your forefathers, I mean, there are a lot of things you should be afraid of.
Talking to a girl in your class is at the bottom of that fucking list and while you’re still a little boy and you’re pussy because you’re sheltered in your little comfortable first world life then everyone else is a pussy around you and you think it’s okay. It’s not fucking okay.
On that note, join the private Facebook group. We’re going to continue with Vincent’s question but we already know what the fundamental problem is but there’s still a lot more questions so I’m going to answer that. Thank you for watching Episode 93, come back for 94 where I finish out that question. See you in the private Facebook group. Join the private Facebook group, see there.