Man Up | Ep. 103 • April 29, 2016
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or over a decade, David Tian, Ph.D., has coached tens of thousands of people from over 87 countries to achieve happiness and success in their dating and love lives.
Once a nerdy, skinny professor of philosophical psychology who couldn’t hold a conversation to save his life, David is now director of Aura Transformation Corp., and a world renowned dating and life coach using therapeutic methods. Dr. Tian has been featured in international media, including AXN, Cosmopolitan, Psychology Today, as well as co-hosting a radio show on national radio and a weekly dating advice column in a national newspaper in Singapore. Formerly a professor at the National University of Singapore, Dr. Tian is actively researching, speaking, and publishing in the areas of philosophy and psychology.
The show, “Man Up: Masculinity for the Intelligent Man,” is David’s way of helping as many people as possible enjoy empowering and fulfilling lives, while contributing to the global understanding of masculinity in modern times. In the show, he takes your questions posed in The Man Up private Facebook group and answers based on his experience Coaching tens of thousands of students around the world for over a decade.
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David Tian: Boom! Stop. In Episode 103, I answer the question of: What to do when you’re intimidated by educated women?
Masculinity for the intelligent man. I’m David Tian, Ph.D. and this is Man Up!
Hey! It’s David Tian, Ph.D. And for the past ten years, I’ve been helping tens of thousands of people in over 87 countries attain success in dating and relationships so that they can find love and fulfillment. And welcome to Episode 102 of Man Up: Masculinity for the Intelligent Man. I am in Shanghai at the Shanghai Fashion Week. Taking a break. I just came out of a fashion show, so I thought this would be kind of cool, to shoot on a corner.
Answering a question from Mac, from inside the private Facebook group. Mac’s question is, he says, “I’m a big fan of your videos and advice.” Okay, so he’s hitting a rut these days and would like to get my advice. He’s in his late 30s and he believes he has an awesome life. He has a high-paying job, travels around the world, has a good social group, tons of hobbies. However, he is unable to pull attractive women. That’s his language. I asked him to clarify what the fuck he means by pull, and he says get into a relationship with, or consider potential for a long-term relationship. Pull is not quite the right word there guy, Mac, because guy’s start using the word pull from pick-up, and they’re talking about pulling girls back, out of the club, like literally; metaphorically and literally pulling them out. So, you don’t want to do that.
But you want to attract attractive women, alright. A few things. There’s three different points. These could all be three different episodes, but I’m going to answer this just according to Mac’s question here. So, answering them in one episode. The first is: “I seem to always end up in the friend zone.” Okay, Mac, I think I’ve recorded like three videos on that already. Just Google “David Tian Man Up friend zone” and you’ll see them there.
Number two, “I am on the shorter side, and so when I go on Tinder dates the girls immediately give me dirty looks.” Okay, so that’s an insecurity about your height. I’ve dealt with that in many episodes, but there’s a talk that guys like so you should check that one out, and there I address height as a limiting belief. So, that one you can find just by Googling ‘David Tian 21 Convention’ and then that should bring it up. But if it doesn’t, you can keep looking. ‘David Tian 21 Convention’. I think the title of it is ‘Demolishing Destructive Beliefs’, so you can look it up that way.
Okay. By the way, Tinder, if you’re on Tinder, it’s a very superficial app. So, basically, they just look at photos. And then you have a little bit of description, but people don’t go on there to find their soul mates generally. They first are on there to find somebody they’re physically attracted to. I mean, you’re going to meet girls who are looking for the physical on Tinder. So, if you’re like, “They reject me because I’m not physically attractive”, well then don’t fucking go on Tinder, or increase your other attributes.
So, there’s a lot of other things that women look for other than your height. So, just get better at those. Now, for a guy who’s got deep insecurities, he’s not going to actually listen to any of that. He’s just going to be like, “But no! But no! But no!” And then his, “But no – with height!” You know? So, a guy like that’s going to take… So, I’m not actually talk – Mac, if that’s you, if that’s a debilitating, limiting belief, you’re not probably going to be able to take this advice. But everybody else would be able to see what that means.
So, go to the video from the 21 Convention. You can see that there. I talk a lot about that there. It’s a one-hour talk.
The third thing you bring up is: “I also meet a lot of girls in business development situations, meeting they meet me for business or sales calls, but I’m not sure how to transition for a date.” Dude, look. I’ve actually done some episodes on how to meet women at work. I just say don’t do it unless you’re starving in the desert, in other words it’s a metaphor. There’s a lot of scarcity around having to pick up women at work. Why the fuck would you do that? So, no, I’m not even going to help you meet women in business development.
No, man. Don’t mix those two. What’s your scarcity mindset that you can’t even create opportunities for yourself outside of your workplace? Don’t fuck up your workplace. And especially – unless it happens naturally, like she’s interested in you just naturally, then just don’t go there. Okay, so if you’re not sure how to transition to a date, you can just do it naturally by asking her about some interests, personal interests. And then say, “Hey, we should meet for coffee.” Or better yet, invite her out to a group activity. That’s one of the easiest things to do.
And one of the least stressful. Just say, “Hey, man.” Or you can call her man, that would work even better, and just invite her out to a group coffee, or a movie gathering, or just some other group event that you’re doing. My arm’s getting tired, so you’re slowly looking up my nostrils now. My arm’s tired. “Also, you’re going to hate me for this, but I feel like most of the girls I meet in the business world don’t respond to screening and qualifying. They all travel, they all are smart, they’re all well-educated and have good jobs. So, it’s not like a random club chick. I probably don’t give…”
Okay, so first of all, this is something that could be a whole separate episode, the fact that you would group club chicks into one category. That’s a big stereotype. So, by that, I know that you don’t actually hang out much in clubs. So, there are a lot of people in clubs – I mean, I go to clubs. I don’t really go that often these days because I’m focusing on other things in my life, but yes, there are more girls who are flaky in clubs than outside clubs, but there are a lot of people who… I mean, all you’re looking for, dude, is travelled, and smart, educated, good jobs. Smart, travelled, educated, good jobs. They’re going to be in the fucking clubs.
Clubs are expensive, right? Clubs are expensive, so you need a good job to go there and pay for it – especially if you’re a dude. Girls who travel. Yeah, I don’t know, there’s this thing right there: which is like: smart girls are better or somehow more – educated girls have higher value. It’s not. Smarter and educated girls, they’re actually sluttier on average. I’ve got nothing against that. I mean like, slutty in a totally objective… They’re more promiscuous, they have more sexual partners, because the smarter you are, the better you are at rationalizing this.
So, it’s got nothing to do with smarts. Morals and education, there’s actually some research that shows those are negatively correlated. Being smart doesn’t make you a better person. Being smart doesn’t make you a better morally good person. Smart is easy to find, guys. It’s easy to fucking find. Just go to the fucking universities. Being educated is the easiest thing to find. And there are institutions in the world that actually pre-select for you so that you don’t even have to do the work. You just go to those places. Because in order to be there, you’re going to be educated. It’s educational institutions, how about that, right?
So, no, man. Stop with this worshipping of education. I can tell, generally speaking, guys who are looking for girls who are educated are usually not educated themselves or have that as an insecurity. So, you’re showing a lot about yourself and looking – saying girls and clubs are all dumb. And actually, that’s not the case. There are a lot of girls in the clubs who are very well-educated. Are there girls in the clubs who are morally good, who are compassionate and spend a lot of their free time helping homeless or helpless people? No. There are not.
So, if that’s what you’re looking for, power to you. I respect you even more for that than guys who are just looking for education. Education is easy to find. A good person is hard to find. A morally good person with compassion, that’s hard to find. There you go. My little rant on that shit. But your stereotyping club chicks, throw that out there. Throw that out right now. But here’s your other problem: you’ve got a lot of insecurities, man. Your insecurity about the fact that people who are travelled, and smart, and educated have good jobs, therefore you cannot screen them? Are you fucking serious? Is that all?
I mean, then you’re not doing it correctly, and you’re showing me that you’re intimidated by people who are smart, well-educated, have good jobs and travel. That’s a joke, man. So, maybe you’re not used to hanging out with people like that. All of my friends meet all of those criteria. I mean, that’s just bare minimum for me to hang out with you. Like, I’m in fucking Shanghai right now. It’s just a bare minimum. And I went to the fashion show. I got the tickets through a lifestyle concierge service. Just to be in our social circles, you’re expected – like, this bare minimum. That’s – what else do you got?
The question is, what else do you have? Have you donated to the charity? Have you helped out with the poor? Do you have a heart? Where’s your compassion? What else do you have going on for your life? That’s what’s important. I don’t fucking care if you’re educated or you travel. That’s the easiest fucking thing to do. “Next, I probably don’t give off any sexual vibe.” Okay, that’s a whole separate episode. I have now answered five separates topics right here in this episode. Well, this is the 5th, the sexual vibe.
So, what you should do is, first of all, Google ‘David Tian Sexual Vibe’. I’ve put out an article like 2008. It still holds. You got to get your voice, you get to get your eye contact. You have to get your mind set right, and then you have to dress and carry yourself, or your body language, in a sexual manner. The mindsets the most important. Your psychology is the most important. You have to be comfortable with your sexuality. There’s more paparazzi here. They’re randomly walking up to people and taking photos. I find this interesting as a social phenomenon. Not really sure what they’re doing with those photos, but that’s interesting, so that’s going on right now.
“I could really use your help on my any fronts.” Well, there you go. Five different fronts. Questions one, two, and five. I’ve already answered in other venues. So, I’ve given you the suggestions for how to find those answers. And I answered for you the question about screening, qualifying, and the issue about random club chicks. And I address briefly that you shouldn’t be hitting on girls at work anyway, so don’t compromise your work professionalism just for a little bit of nookie on the side. Obviously, if you’re going to be in a relationship with her, that’s a whole separate thing, then it should happen naturally, it should be based on your current interests, that you have some things in common, and then you just ask to go out on a group date or for coffee, or something very casual first just to get to know each other better. And then it will naturally progress from there. That’s pretty easy. That’s pretty straightforward.
Okay, cool. That’s Episode 102. Was it 103? Sorry, 103. And join the private Facebook group. Click on the link below. Join the group. I’ll see you inside the group. Until then, Man Up!