Man Up | Ep. 04 • August 20, 2015
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or over a decade, David Tian, Ph.D., has coached tens of thousands of people from over 87 countries to achieve happiness and success in their dating and love lives.
Once a nerdy, skinny professor of philosophical psychology who couldn’t hold a conversation to save his life, David is now director of Aura Transformation Corp., and a world renowned dating and life coach using therapeutic methods. Dr. Tian has been featured in international media, including AXN, Cosmopolitan, Psychology Today, as well as co-hosting a radio show on national radio and a weekly dating advice column in a national newspaper in Singapore. Formerly a professor at the National University of Singapore, Dr. Tian is actively researching, speaking, and publishing in the areas of philosophy and psychology.
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In this episode, we’re going to talk about how to communicate sexual desire without being sleazy.
Masculinity for the Intelligent Man. I am David Tian, Ph.D., and this is: Man Up.
Welcome to episode 4. In this episode I’ll be answering a question from Michael. Michael asks: How do I communicate sexual intent and desire with a woman without being seen as a douche bag or sleazy. I tend to date more aware and enlightened women, not so many club girls and flaky girls. Not judgmental at all there, are we? Okay, so cool, how do we communicate sexual desire without being sleazy.
First of all, I get the sense that from the tone of the question, that there’s a lot of shame associated with sex there, Michael. That being: having sexual desire in some way makes you less enlightened or less aware or it makes you a club girl or a flaky girl – well I guess flaky girls are bad, they’re bad – but club girls, not all club girls are flaky or bad.
So there’s kind of a judgmentalism already there and if that’s the case, it’ll leak through in your sub-communications. Just your tone and the words you’ve chosen, the categories and dichotomies you’ve created here and within just one sentence, have displayed quite a lot about your values. And if your values are not in line with being sexually open and liberal and free, that is not judging a woman for having sexual desire – you can call it dirty or naughty and that’s fun – but if you really think it’s really sinful to have that desire then that’ll come out.
This is very common that’s why we’ve chosen this question. This is just part of the whole Madonna-Whore complex that all men have grown up with. If you don’t deal with it explicitly, you’re carrying it. If you’ve never thought through it consciously and worked on it – you’ve got it. I’m not going to go into the reasons why and how it comes up but you’ve got it.
So here it is like, “I want the slut,” you know, you want to be sexually – oh man, someone’s going to rip that off and say, “David’s going to be like, ‘I want the slut’.” It’s going to be one of those, what do they call those like on live or something, the things that just keep running – GIFs! It’s going to be like a GIF. Anyway, he’s like, “I want a woman who likes sex.” Clearly everyone does but then on the other hand he wants a woman who is aware and enlightened and who isn’t like a slutty girl.
And this is going to make it hard for her to be free and express herself freely. So just make that clear before any verbal game or any kind of techniques will have any effect, you’ve got to address your value judgments. And why you make those value judgments and what you’re saying about that.
I assume -because he’s written a lot more in this email than what I read out – is that Michael is a really intelligent guy. And if he thought about it he would realize it because he’s aware and enlightened – that women shouldn’t be judged for having sexual desires just as you shouldn’t be judged for having sexual desires. What that will do for you is to free you up to realize that society is imposing a negative value system that is not for freedom; that actually restricts people in ways that are not healthy.
Talking to Women
If you ever, ever, ever have to be dishonest about your true feelings and beliefs and intentions, that is a bad thing. Now obviously little white lies are fine, like if someone says, “Do I look fat in this dress?” You probably don’t want to say yes. Most of the time, if it’s an important thing – you want to tell her you’re sexually attracted to her or let that out which is show that you’re sexually attracted to her – then you shouldn’t be ashamed of it.
It’s a normal thing and in fact, if you do it without any judgment, negative judgment and you’re open about your emotions and feelings and what you believe, then that’s incredibly attractive because that shows vulnerability. And vulnerability requires courage and courage is attractive. It’s probably not the answer you want or were expecting. You were probably expecting some techniques and what to do but that’s the best answer, that’s the better answer.
Now I give you a weaker answer very quickly just as far as strategies go. Let’s say he takes care of that and he deals with his Madonna-Whore complex and has a value system that actually is accepting of people’s honest sexual desires and thoughts and intentions. When he gets there then the easiest thing to do is to be open and honest all the time. Don’t just be showing intent and desire towards women or people when – to be open and tell them what you think – don’t only do that when you’re sexually turned on.
Then that will be sleazy because it’s like you’re only interested in talking to people because she happens to be attractive sexually and you want her. That’s sleazy. If however, you’re the social guy, you flirt because it makes people feel good and it’s funny. You flirt with everyone on a very superficial, light level, and then when you flirt with a girl that you actually do like, it’ll just feel natural for her. And that’s a really great way of practicing that.
Then when you want to take it up a notch, being a little bit more direct with your intentions, make sure that you’ve warmed it up and you can see that she’s responding to that light flirting. If she’s responding to the light flirting you can just gradually increase it. That’s the safe way to go.
When you get more comfortable with who you are as a person and your sexual desires, you can just start a conversation sometimes with that, depending on the venue and environment. And that is incredibly attractive, too, because that takes courage and honesty and vulnerability and also just owning it. But I’m assuming, given your question, you’re hanging out with aware and enlightened people. You’re probably not in those types of venues.
Talking to Girls
So start slowly, gradually, be really friendly to everybody, flirt with everybody and then when you’re more isolated with her – like you managed to be on the couch one-on-one with her or if you’re in the corner of the room with her – that’s when you can start to be more sexual with your statements and your compliments. So you can start to embed them like, “Not only are you sexy but you’re also really whatever,” right?
“Not only are you sexy but you’re also really travelled.” Or, “You’re also really cultured.” If sexy is too strong and you’re not comfortable using that word yet for yourself, just use another word that’s maybe like, “Not only are you pretty,” or “Not only are you attractive,” or “Not only are you a beautiful girl but you also got a head on your shoulders.”
How to Talk to Girls
That’s nice to see, something along those lines. Embed it so that it makes it more comfortable for you and it’s a lot more subtle to her. So you have a safe compliment and then before you give that safe compliment you put that more sexual or more direct compliment before it. So you put it together. Not only are you X but you’re also Y. It’s a really great way to just train yourself into that mentality.
All right, cool. So that’s the episode and make sure you join the Facebook group. There’s a private Facebook group for you to ask your questions and comments. And I will see you in the next episode, ‘til next time.