For over a decade, David Tian, Ph.D. — a uniquely qualified therapist, life coach, and former university professor — has coached tens of thousands of people from over 87 countries to achieve happiness and success in their relationships, dating, psychology, and lifestyle.
Dr. Tian has been featured in international media, as well as co-hosting a radio show on national radio and a weekly dating advice column in a national newspaper in Singapore.
The show, “Man Up: Masculinity for the Intelligent Man” (https://www.davidtianphd.com/blog/), is David’s way of helping as many people as possible enjoy empowering and fulfilling lives, while contributing to the global understanding of masculinity in modern times. In the show, he takes your questions posed in the Man Up private Facebook group (https://www.facebook.com/groups/manupcommunity/) and answers based on his experience coaching tens of thousands of students around the world for over a decade.
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How To Get Over Your Anxiety When Meeting New Women
David Tian Ph.D. identifies the real problem and why it’s not a real approach anxiety issue.
David Tian Ph.D. tells men to get used to talking to everyone as this helps with talking to women.
In this Man Up episode, David Tian Ph.D. discusses the importance of being social, and developing your own self-confidence.
David Tian: Boom! Stop! In episode 57 of Man Up, I answer the question of, how do I get over my anxiety when talking to new women.
Masculinity for the Intelligent Man. I am David Tian, Ph.D., and this is, Man Up!
Hey, I’m David Tian, Ph.D. and welcome to episode 57 of Man Up. I’m in Shanghai in advance of our Mastermind summit here and I’m pretty excited for that to get going. Answering question from the private Facebook group. Abdoullah from the US asks a question.
He starts off with, “My question is simple, approach anxiety, how do I kill it?” Actually, I’m answering partly because it’s got nothing to do with real approach anxiety. So because you use that term and then the PUA swoop in and they give you all this advice in conquering AA (approach anxiety). And I’ve created courses on how to overcome approach anxiety but that’s not your problem.
And here’s why, so he says, “I’m usually the fun, witty, joke cracking in any social gathering”. But then when he wants to talk to a complete stranger, like an attractive lady…like at a Starbucks line or something, even if he thinks of a cool opener about her appearance or something in the environment, he completely freezes and finds himself missing chances on a daily basis.
And then he asks this very PUA question, so I know you guys are all like, this is why the PUA world sucks in giving advice to guys. “Since most of my friends are in relationships, going out in groups and meeting up with potential groups becomes as hard”, so his friends are in relationships, he doesn’t have anyone sarging with, picking up chicks with, “Going solo sarging seems to be my only option at the moment except I get really closed off when I’m by myself.” Because of course you’re doing something shit, creepy.
It’s creepy shit, you know like “sarging”. And you’re going out like going solo. Who uses that term? Going solo. Let’s de-creepy-fy you for a moment here. Here’s your real problem. Your real problem is you’re a funny, witty guy, except you get nervous when you’re talking to a stranger and because you’re not used to talking to strangers. That’s it! Just get used to talking to strangers. So, some of these guys in the comments had some interesting advice but you don’t need pick up advice. Okay? The problem isn’t your approach anxiety because you’re not really approaching a girl in a Starbucks line.
You should get in the Starbucks line. I mean like if you just walk by the Starbucks you see a girl there and like you weren’t in the Starbucks or you didn’t need to go to the Starbucks beforehand, but you literally walk by and you saw her in there, which is interesting. What you should do, if you really want to go meet her, is to just go make a beeline for her and drop the direct opener. That’s true approach anxiety, that’s like a pick up artist, that’s like true go and get it, go and man up, go and do it kind of courage.
For that sort of situation, the things that you find on the internet from PUA’s applies. Just man up and go and do it. In Limitless, I cover that as well. Like how to trick your brain so you don’t create nervousness or anxiety in the approach. There are lots of ways to trick your brain to distract your mind as your legs move. And of course you drill that opener over and over so you don’t have to think of it and it just comes out smoothly.
But, that’s not your problem because you have great openers that you think of on the fly. That’s a really great sign! You say you’re a wage funny guy when you’re with your friends. That’s also an awesome sign. So the only thing is you just need to practice. What I assume reading about you, reading a question I mean is that you’re not a social guy.
So in an earlier question, one of the guys lumped in my buddies Christian Hudson and Mark Manson in with PUA’s, just like I did we came out of that PUA world. I love the fact that Christian Hudson called his company the Social Man and now his umbrella company is called the Hero Company, just really cute names.
The Social Man was a great name and the guy took it. It’s a great name! Because it’s basically something you could say like “Be the social man!”, I keep saying that. Be the social man. Be the guy who just talks to people as a habit. Start thinking of yourself as you are a social man!
So don’t just talk to the girl in line because she’s attractive. Talk to everyone. Get really good at just talking to everyone. I said that in an earlier video, earlier episode I filmed in this filming session. Talk to everyone. This is how I did it when I was an introverted shy guy who was awkward socially especially when it came to strangers. I was worse than you because I wasn’t even witty and funny with my friends. You already have that going. I couldn’t think of openers on the fly.
You already have that going. You already have all these advantages over me when I started. And how did I do it? Well, I just had to think of myself as to take on a new identity, think of myself as a social man… social guy, and start making chit chats and small talks with people all around me. It helped that I was starting out in Ann Arbor, Michigan where everyone is pretty friendly and talkative.
It is a small town of sorts, it’s not small for Michigan but compared to New York, it’s a really small town. So people have still the small town mentality plus the campus takes up a huge part of it, so people are pretty friendly. So you’re getting pizza, the person handing you your pizza it’s really easy to talk to them. Just like they start asking you “how’s the weather?”, “did you see the game?” or whatever right? Like what’s your favorite pizza? Or what’s fresh? Or you know, you just start talking.
Get used to talking to people that you don’t know yet. Everyone! Everyone! Everyone!! Can I say that even stronger? Everyone! Not just hot girls. This is one of the first things we need to train guys out of. When they come to us at the Aura Academy, the truth is, it’s a lot harder to train a pick up artist than it is a guy who has no training in PUA background or doesn’t even use the word approach anxiety, doesn’t know what that thing is. It’s easier to train them because they’re like more of a blank slate.
Because when we say go just talk to everyone they’re like, “Oh, okay!” Right? And they don’t build it up into this weird thing. But the guys who have only been approaching girls who are attractive, they’re weird! They’ve been conditioning themselves to be creepy. Imagine like for months and months and months, you only open or start conversation with women that you want to fuck.
That’s sick! That’s creepy! Right? What is that doing to your unconscious mind? Don’t worry, I know, because I did that to myself. It’s bad. You have to de-creepy-fy yourself. You have to undo that conditioning in yourself. The easiest way to do it is to start talking to everybody and start seeing everybody as worthy of respect as human beings to start unless proven otherwise. So start talking to the taxi driver, say good morning to the people in the elevator.
If you have a doorman at your building, ask him how his day is or wish him a good morning if you’re in a rush. On the way back home, say good afternoon. Stop by the desk and chit chat, find out how their day is. Find out “does your wife come by and bring you some lunch? What did you have for lunch?”
Talk to people. Just talk to people! Be the guy in the café who knows the first name of the barista there. Because you go there regularly, you ask about how her day is, you ask her how her exam was. So you’re in a first name basis with her. You rock up to the line, walk up, you rock up to the line. And you make eye contact and she’s like “oh look, you’re a regular!” or whatever right. You just talk to her, you talk to people on the line. If you’re nervous talking to the hot girl here, talk to the person behind you first and warm it up. She sees you’re normal. It’s all quiet, right? You’re not talking to anyone. No one’s talking to anyone. And then suddenly you’re like “Hey!”.
What’s that sound like and feel like to her? You’re picking her up, that’s not good. It’s creepy! So just start warming up the room if it’s not warm already. Start talking to the little kids. Start talking to the old dude. Look for the guy that doesn’t look cantankerous, the guy who’s got that smile on their face and they look friendly, okay? Talk to people who look friendly. And ask for recommendations for, whatever, you’re a witty guy you can come up with your own stuff right? Warm up on people who are non-threatening to you. Get used to that.
And even if the first dozen times you are not able to pivot to the attractive girl, or your attention to her, because you’re just getting good at warming up, that’s fine. I mean, that’s something that’s called training. You’ve got to train your brain to do that. Condition yourself to do that. But over time, that part of you will become second nature. It’s a habit of you just saying a few words on the way out of your building.
Asking the taxi drivers who are the best tippers. Asking, you know, whatever, like talking to people throughout the day. Getting out of your head and getting it out of your mouth right and talking to people. And then when the attractive girl is there, there’s just going to be a little bit of anxiety because she’s attractive, but that’s it! You’re just going to blurt it out. Just blurt it out because you’ve been blurting it out to everyone else who’s not intimidating to you. Get in the habit of training your brain to be social.
That’s the key. Be social.
You want to make it easy to go about the day and just meet attractive women? Just start conversations with them when there’s a lot of anxiety. You should have anxiety! Because you’re creepy! Because if you only intend to talk to attractive women, then you’re creepy! That’s like the definition of creepy! They’re creepy! So don’t be creepy.
Train yourself out of creepiness. Start finding things of interest in people that you don’t want to have sex with. Talking to them because their human beings too. Okay? And finding things of value in them and giving value to them and just interacting with them, or even just putting just the value of putting a smile on somebody’s face. Okay?
Because in this day and age, there’s a lot of stress. Put some smile on somebody’s face is a great thing. Put a smile on their face and then when it comes to talking to the attractive girl, just put a smile on her face. The agenda’s the same. You’re not needing anything from her, you’re not creeping her out, you’re not asking, you’re not demanding. You’re not trying to get a number. You’re just giving, give.
Don’t get, give! Don’t get, give! Don’t get, give!! When you give well, from the right place without needing anything in return, you’ll get. Okay? But don’t ever think about getting. And in fact, just throw that whole vocabulary out of your head. The whole get stuff from girls. You don’t want to be getting numbers. You don’t want to be getting kisses. You don’t want to be getting sex. Those things are two ways. Right?
When you start to value yourself as a human being, and part of that is valuing other people, and you develop your own self-confidence, self-esteem, you’ll see that it’s never a matter of getting anything from the girl. Alright? It’s about you giving. There’s a little bit of give and take but it’s an equal exchange. You’re exchanging kisses. After all, it takes two lips to kiss. You don’t get to kiss. She gets the kiss as well.
Okay, so there you go. Be the social man!
Okay, props my buddy, for that name for his company. Damn it, stole that one. Be the social man and join the private Facebook group, ask your questions there. Kept this, oh! Man! Meant to keep this under 10 minutes. I’m over. But, there you go. So I’ve got to wrap this up. Trying to stay under the time limit.
Make sure you go to the private Facebook group, join the group, we approve requests daily and in the group you can ask me your private questions. I want to get your questions. This is the life, blood of the show. What we do here, it doesn’t run without your questions, so I want your questions and I’ll see you in the private Facebook group. Until then, Man Up!