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For over a decade, David Tian, Ph.D. — a uniquely qualified therapist, life coach, and former university professor — has coached tens of thousands of people from over 87 countries to achieve happiness and success in their relationships, dating, psychology, and lifestyle.
Dr. Tian has been featured in international media, as well as co-hosting a radio show on national radio and a weekly dating advice column in a national newspaper in Singapore.
The show, “Man Up: Masculinity for the Intelligent Man” (https://www.davidtianphd.com/blog/), is David’s way of helping as many people as possible enjoy empowering and fulfilling lives, while contributing to the global understanding of masculinity in modern times. In the show, he takes your questions posed in the Man Up private Facebook group (https://www.facebook.com/groups/manupcommunity/) and answers based on his experience coaching tens of thousands of students around the world for over a decade.
Connect with David Tian here:
DTPHD Podcast Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/dtphdpodcast/
Man Up Show Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/manupcommunity/
Small Penis Insecurity
David Tian Ph.D. and Steve Mayeda discuss why you should focus on getting sexual instead of your size.
David Tian Ph.D. and Steve Mayeda reveal where that sexual feeling should come from.
In this Man Up episode, David Tian Ph.D and Steve Mayeda point out that arousal is different from the state of sex.
David Tian: Boom! Stop. In Episode 124 of Man Up, Steve Mayeda and I are going to answer the question of what to do when you’re insecure about your small penis.
Masculinity for the intelligent man. I’m David Tian, Ph.D. and this is Man Up!
Hey! It’s David Tian, Ph. D. and welcome to Episode 124 of Man Up: Masculinity for the Intelligent Man. I’m here today with Steve Mayeda and we are at the Under 21 Convention in Orlando. I’ve been in contact with this gentleman for many years now, admiring from afar. It’s always good to connect in person.
Steve Mayeda: Oh, totally, man. So, you’re in good hands. [LAUGHS]
David Tian: Likewise, actually. There’s a question on the group, and then when I saw it, I was like, “Oh man, it’s so complex”, and I knew the guy I could throw it at who would be the best to answer this. So, I’ve been holding onto this question. David Shalem, I’m not sure exactly how to pronounce it, you’ve been waiting for a while, so here’s your answer.
Now, how about we introduce? So, just say a few things about yourself for the guys who are new to you. We have quite a few clients who overlap in some programs.
Steve Mayeda: Oh, yeah. Big time.
David Tian: Yeah, and it’s been great. The guys that get both of our stuff, it’s really…
Steve Mayeda: In terms of that… So, I founded a company called The Sexual Life. SexualLife.com, you can check it out. But let me just tell you, there’s not too many coaches that I really… At this point, like you were talking about in your speech, man. This guy, when it comes out, he gets loud, man. But there’s so much about the seduction scene which is just bullshit, that it’s just so disheartening. When you put your effort and life into it, you don’t really like a lot of people. And then I really do appreciate David’s stuff and the angles that he takes.
And whenever you present something where I’m like, “I want to ask you a question about that.” It’s more of a discussion in how… I mean, it’s just always such an intelligent thing. There’s actually a lot of stuff in his speech, which is…
David Tian: Yeah, I’m looking forward to yours tomorrow.
Steve Mayeda: Yeah. I’m a little bit more street. He’s the intelligent man. I’m just the sex guy.
David Tian: Well, this is intelligent sex.
Steve Mayeda: Fuck yeah.
David Tian: That’s what we’ve been… [LAUGHS] Alright, the question is from David, from the private Facebook group. He’s 30 years old. He says he’s got two of this biggest challenges, and the first one is, “Extremely embarrassing for me,” he says, “I have a really small penis,” he says, “And while I did have some success in the past with women, I always needed them to be obsessed with me before I sleep with them. That way, I would feel comfortable and less insecure when I get undressed. My insecurity started back in high school,” guys teasing him on the swimming team. He felt shame, depression and even went through five years of therapy and prescription psychiatric medications. He still feels very insecure after all that.
So, that’s the first question. The second challenge is an addiction to pornography affecting his sexual functioning. He’s 30 years old, using Cialis to help cope with it. Alright, so let’s see with the first one. The small penis, he’s really insecure.
Steve Mayeda: Man, I love the question. I swear to you guys, just to bring it back about seven years ago at this convention hall, like just in the other room, Jason Savage and I who is… You should go watch his speech, 2010, 2009, Orlando and Sweden. Man, some of the best speeches the 21 Convention just had. I know him personally. Great guy. One of the few seduction dudes. We were talking about penis size. Penis size, it doesn’t matter; it matters to us. So, it can matter to the women. Women love dick, man. When women see dick, like you were talking about at the end of that speech, it triggers them in a way that is just off the charts. And I’ll tell you this, if you can find a way to send a dick pic, it’s fine. But you can’t just blindly send it.
David Tian: Yeah, don’t open with it.
Steve Mayeda: You fucking…
David Tian: Yeah. [LAUGHS]
Steve Mayeda: But the thing is, is that that is a trigger. If you want to make sexual escalation go from zero to 60, the hand on the dick is key. But you remember in that one go-fund-me type thing, people got all pissed off about it, because that wannabe PUA guy had a book and the feminists got all mad. So, you can’t just get a girl’s hand and do that. You have to find the times in women want to be sexual; they want this, so you, as a man, need to learn to communicate that. That being said, your dick size does not matter.
Now of course, women are going to love a man’s dick when they build a relationship with that man. But the best thing you can do is pull your dick out. The funny thing is, actually… I mean, how street can I get on this thing?
David Tian: [LAUGHS] Just go for it.
Steve Mayeda: I’ve done a lot of fucking gangbangs. I’ve done a lot of crazy, crazy sexual shit. They’re trying to film more stuff here. But I do not have a big dick, man. It’s not huge, whatever, but every woman I’m with loves my dick. Here’s an interesting thing: Let’s say David Tian’s penis is like this, man, and it hurts women, and then mine is like this. I’ve been in this situation so many times, so I really want you to listen to this. I’ve been fucking and I fucked the shit out of a chick, right? And we connect on different levels, because sex is so much more than just this mere physical action, right?
And they’ll be like, “Goddamn, Steve, your dick is so big”, and I’ll be like, “Look at this. Like, this is it.” And they’re like, “No, man, your fucking dick…” I’ll be like in all of these different situations, right? Like, I’ll be in front of them, I’ll do like the Chinese finger cuff.. Is that racist?
David Tian: No, go ahead.
Steve Mayeda: But anyway, David’s got her from behind. And it’s happened to me and Jason, man. I mean, that dude’s pretty stacked himself. And the women would be so engaged, but because sex was different. So the thing was, is I wasn’t afraid to be naked. Another thing, my porn friend Erik Everhard, who is way healthier than any guy in pick-up that I know about sex, just because that’s his thing and he walked through a lot of those demons. And he’s friends with James Dean. It’s interesting to hear the take on all of that.
David Tian: Oh, yeah.
Steve Mayeda: But Erik’s a great guy. I mean, I did an interview with him, you should watch it, but he has a huge penis and he’s like, “Man, you know, it can get in the way. Like, it hurts women, blowjobs are horrible, they’re really… You have to be particular.” Like, he’s so much more sensitive to the type of pussy and the type of mouth that a girl has in order to really get pleasure, and he’s like, “That’s why I get paid.” And so, penis size, we take into this consideration.
But man, the sexual feeling is going to come from confidence. And one thing, actually Erik, we would talk about a lot he’s like, “When I was a kid, I didn’t care about being naked,” and I never cared about being naked. And so, it was an advantage that I kind of came to the table with. So when it came to get sexual, I was so overwhelmed. I was just as insecure as everybody else, but I was so overwhelmed and I had a little bit less of that fear of getting naked that I was like, “Okay, let’s go, let’s go.” And then I did all this stupid shit, and blew right away, and got all insecure, and bitched about it and cried and all that shit, but that allowed me to get to a spot where I could work on those beliefs.
Here’s the thing. So if you’re like, “My penis is too small. I’m not having sex. I’m finding out all these different ways. I’m trying to get somebody to love me first”, you’re going to build up more anxiety around it and you’re going to build up more disorder. Isolation, you’re talking about a lot of mental disorders. Isolation is the bedrock for all of that. So, any time that we get into any sort of anxiety, any sort of fucking addiction, isolation is dependent upon that. And the way you actually get over those things, is you should integrate with people, or a fellowship or something like that.
So, the best thing you can start doing is to get sexual. And what Jason would always say is ‘by any means possible’. And so, I would tell him, I’d say, “So, what about hookers?” And he’s like, “Well, it depends on the situation.” So obviously, getting hookers is not real sex. Obviously, it’s not the healthiest choice, but at the same time a lot of men have gotten them. And when you take out like, “I’m going to control women, or I’m going to finally do this, and it’s my shame buying this girl, or I’m trying to do all this stuff,” and you can make it about a choice to exercise some freedom. That might be a good idea.
But of course, talking to women… And talking to women with your dick, and what I mean by that is not taking your dick out but your sexuality. So, “Hey, I want to get to know you.” And I would even talk about it. Now, by talking about it, it’ll mean, I’m ashamed, and I have a small penis, and I hate myself or whatever. You could say, “You know, I have a lot of issues about image and sex. What about you?” And this builds up a dialog.
The interesting thing about my speech, I’ll shut up after this, I’m sorry. I talk a lot.
David Tian: No, just do it. I don’t want to stop you.
Steve Mayeda: But women… This is amazing. So, we interviewed all these people from my speech and we interviewed the Ammirati group, Zan’s group. So it was actually David Tian, Aura, okay? There’s TSL, which is mine, The Sexual Life, and then there’s Zan’s group, and there’s like this crazy… There’s so much crossover. And there’s healthy people that come from these groups, right? Because they’re talking about these things. Everybody has their own little highlight of what’s the main thing.
And one of the guys from the Ammirati group, because we posted on their board, “What does every young man need to know about sex?” My speech. And they said all this awesome stuff. Ammirati did awesome shit. But one of them is, “Women are just as insecure, if not more, than you.”
David Tian: Yeah. The first thing I thought of when you started with penis size, that if she has an emotional connection, the fact that that’s your penis is what’s going to turn her on. So, imagine a girl… Like, girls have insecurities and curiosities about other women’s vaginas. And so, generally the vagina is hidden. So, even if you’re changing in the swimming area, you’re not going to get a good view of it as a girl, right? So when they actually go to a strip club, and they’re seeing, for the first time, a spread leg’s vulva, they’re fascinated. Like, “Wow, somebody’s different…” And there are all kinds of vaginas.
Steve Mayeda: You hang out in a stripper locker room and you’ll hear some bitch’s thoughts, some shit, on vagina. It’s awesome.
David Tian: And as a man, you wouldn’t judge one vagina from another, generally. You’re not going to be like, “Oh, look at that fat one. Look at that”, you know, of chunky vagina and… You know, to you, it doesn’t matter. If it’s her vagina, and if she likes you, she’s going to be excited for the fact that that’s your penis. And so, knowing how to use it… A big part of it is being, if it’s hard, that’s what she wants, and that’s a separate psychological skill set in a way; to know what that’s like, to be in flow in that sense.
Steve Mayeda: Here’s the trigger. So, you were talking about in your speech, arousal is different than something else. But it made think, because you were going in a different direction, but you were saying the distinction of arousal. That’s important, because arousal is different than the state of sex. Arousal is this back and forth to sex, right? And so, it’s social, sexual, social, sexual, and it’s this weird thing and things can stop. But in the state of sex, they go. And the state of sex begins where I say, technically, if you were to point out the social dynamic, is when I want you, you want me.
Like rapport is, I care about what you say, you care about what I say, right? And so, that’s established maybe non-verbally, verbally. But sexually, it’s usually non-verbal and it’s like, “You know, I want you, you want me”, and then you’re in the state of sex. It’s very easy to stay here and hard to get popped out of it. So, the interesting thing is when a woman gets invested in your dick and how your dick orgasms for her, it’s amazing. You’re talking about some resistant stuff where women put the breaks on with certain things. Man, I have to rewatch your speech, because I was just watching it real-time. Little flags go up.
And one of those things is, is that, “Is it unique to her?” So, any girl can get turned on and get sexual. And what I actually think – because I don’t think it’s a conscious decision that she’s lying – about like if her pussy’s wet or whatever. It’s the nervous system, and she internally is like, “No, I’m not turned on”, but she is. That’s the interesting thing. So, if you can trigger that as a guy…
David Tian: Yeah. Or there’s a delay, like it takes awhile. That’s one of the scientific theories, that it takes a while for the brain to detect that the vagina is moist. So, there’s that – but the vagina’s moist. And there’s blood down there, but she doesn’t know yet. This hasn’t reached the brain that, “I’m turned on by this thing.”
Steve Mayeda: But where the choice comes in, and where I see it in real-time, and of course I’m not a scientist, but I’ve had a lot of sex, and I talk to a lot of people about a lot of sex, and I think that more people should do that, is that where that choices comes with a woman. Like, if I’m naked, you want to get a pattern of escalation. It’ll just work 90% of the time better than any social dynamic. I’m making out with a girl, and about two to three seconds in she moans, because we’re into it. And then I get more aggressive and she stops. That will always happen.
So that stops. Why is she stopping? I don’t get it. It’s just a woman thing where it’s just, “Oh shit, okay. I don’t do this with anybody. You don’t even know my name, why is this happening?” Shit like that starts happening. All you do is you back up, you go, “Hey, cool, we can totally stop”, because as a guy you’re like [MAKES NOISES], but it’s like, “Hey, totally cool. We can stop. You’re right. We don’t know each other. But look,” and here’s the money line, “Just kiss me how you want to kiss me. I don’t need to do anything.” I can’t tell you how many times I’ve done that, man. I’ll keep my pants on, but what’s happening there is the choice.
“Oh, I get to express myself.” And you’ll get it if you do it. And if you do it enough times, you’ll build up the social intelligence to sense it. So a lot of times, I get more turned on when they kiss my neck so I go, “Just kiss my neck. I’m not going to do anything.” So then, they kiss my neck and then I moan. I show my intent, my expression towards their unique expression of kissing me. Because here’s the thing: Women think I do this to everybody. And I might, but in this moment of their doing… Like, I might do those patterns, I really do like them.
David Tian: Oh, I see. It’s unique to her.
Steve Mayeda: I really do like them. So she’s going like, “This is my sexual identity.” So again, make out, two/three seconds, maybe five/ten, they get into it, I press harder. As soon as they see me press harder, then this flag goes up, “Stop. I don’t know you”. “That’s cool. You’re right”, I just back off. And this is real time. Like, “Oh god, I want you.” “Wait, wait, wait, wait.” “Okay, okay, cool. We don’t have to do anything.” I can be a gentleman. It’s all good.
David Tian: And when you do that, what it forces you to do is to be present with her. Like, a lot of guys think of sex as like an athletic activity almost, they’re like, “Okay, I got to train for it. I got to get the dick hard, and then I’m going to do these positions.” Their thinking it’s like a physical fitness thing.
Steve Mayeda: So many men think it’s just all about the dick and the orgasm too.
David Tian: It’s just like, [GESTURING] until they’re done. I think the biggest part for a lot of guys is learning that the psychological presence is the biggest contributor to whether you stay hard and whether you’re with her, whether she has a good experience.
Steve Mayeda: Yeah. So, when I was younger, I’ve never had a problem with keeping it up. But then I’m 38 now and I’ve been in a relationship, so what you’re talking about is the sex drive goes down and – there’s more I can talk about extra too. But to stay hard or stay engaged, it’s not that I’m not attracted, it’s just the variety, it needs to be there. But if you freak out about it… And see, here’s the problem. My dick doesn’t get hard. Immediately, is any man, any man who experiences that is like, “Fuck, there’s something wrong with me.” There’s something core within us where that fuck with us. But if we have a good men’s group to talk about it, like your Facebook group or whatever else…
David Tian: Yeah. It’ll sabotage you if you don’t deal with it.
Steve Mayeda: Yeah, you got to realize it’s normal. And if you want a girl to be all about your dick, you got to make sex not about the dick and the orgasm. That’s a part of it. And make the sex about everything; you communicate sexually with your mouth, with your body. And I’m not just saying eat her pussy, but her skin, her life. How are you connecting with the part of her that wants more; the part of her that doesn’t get validated by anybody?
David Tian: Yeah. You know what was good for me? I haven’t said this in the series yet: tantric coaching. Have you exploited–
Steve Mayeda: I’ve talked to tantra people but I don’t…
David Tian: Yeah. So, one of the things was a three-day coaching process that I flew out for. It was a very good coach. And there was no actual sex, but there was physical contact. And she’s like… So, I thought it would just be like… Because no matter what, it’s going to be fun, right? But what it does, is she actually got me in tune with… Because when you’re having sex as a man, you’re basically just focused on this thing. So, what you’re saying, there are five different modalities, touching the skin, and slapping, and just being in tune with the rest of your body. And her body, her breathing, the thoughts are…
Steve Mayeda: There’s a funny story about tantra. So whenever I get involved in a tantra group, and I used to live in Maui and there were a lot of them, I would just fuck everybody. And then they would move me out and they just got too cult-like. So, you have to earn your right. But yeah, as a three-day thing or a week, fucking do it, man. That’s what I did [INAUDIBLE].
David Tian: Because part of what I was actually looking for was sex instruction from a woman to get pro feedback. And there are maybe only three or four legit ones, and they were basically prostitutes. So, I didn’t want to try that yet. This one turned out really, really well. And the biggest thing was the psychological talk that we had about traumas. What it turned out for me was that there was trauma blocking my expression, and that would not have been covered with just having sex.
Steve Mayeda: And that’s the other thing too, because sex is repressed. So, sex is this open language that we have that’s extremely powerful. But when we’re 30, we start to learn the game plan about how the world works, and like Santa Claus is… And sometimes, you learn a little bit earlier, but I learned late. So like, 27, 28, that’s when I started to get laid.
David Tian: I learned a little later than that. [LAUGHS]
Steve Mayeda: So yeah, man, there’s shit there and with women and men, good sex so rarely happens that it’s so sporadic. Even if you’re having sex at 18, you don’t get really good sex consistently or times within each other until later in life, and that does unlock stuff, but that’s just because the sexual repression I think… We repress strong, we don’t talk about sex.
David Tian: So, just to close up the last question he had. The second one was on addiction to pornography. Now, I just ended my talk attributed to Steve. So, why don’t you clear that up?
Steve Mayeda: David, you should watch my five-hour discussion… No, it’s only an hour and a half but it’s called Everything You Know About Porn is Wrong.
David Tian: That’s probably why I was like, [INAUDIBLE] but apparently…
Steve Mayeda: So basically, I hate it when people talk about sex addiction. I work with people with addiction. I mean, not to belittle anybody’s story, but I’ve seen really… You’ll see in my speech, but because I use all my own photography it’s actually kind of cool. It’s really pretentious. [LAUGHS] I used to be a photographer, I probably shoot better stock photos. But really, I had to cut out a lot of photography from…
Well, digital cameras came out for me in 2003 to maybe 2006 or ’07. I cut a lot of the pictures out because my friends are dead and they’ve all OD’d. I did just much drugs with them. I’m amazed that I’ve survived. I work with people with addiction. I also have sex addiction stuff. And when people throw out that word, it’s like they make it this big deal. And addiction is a big deal. Like, I see people die. I fucking know somebody that died a couple of days ago. I know somebody that dies on a month-to-month basis with it.
But the thing is, is that most sexual dysfunction, impotency, inability to ejaculate, premature ejaculation, all that sort of stuff…
David Tian: Okay, I’ll end it. We’ll come back.
Steve Mayeda: …sorts itself out.
David Tian: [LAUGHS] It sorts itself out. Alright, we went way long, and now Steve’s got to do the Q&A. So, hey man. I might be able to grab him again later, but I’m going to end it here. So, I think we’ve been going on quite a bit. So, join the private Facebook group, get your questions answered.
We can also just send them as well to some of my friends and they can answer them for you directly, not even perhaps in episodes, but it was a lot of fun. Man, that was probably one of the more in-your-face kind of Man Up episodes we’ve ever done and it was a lot of fun. So until next time, join the private Facebook group, click the link below, join the group and I will see you inside the group. Until then, Man Up![MUSIC]